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29, 2004
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5, 2004
The picture above? Well, Dodger fans need something to be excited about. April
4, 2004
If we have some things turn out the way we hope, we have a chance to be decent. There's also a chance of not being very good at all. April
3, 2004
The Dodgers also traded infielder-outfielder Jason Romano to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for shortstop Antonio Perez. With Romano in Tampa, the Dodgers are having open tryouts for team mop-up man. Naturally, new shortstop Antonio Perez will have a chance, but some think the Dodgers will promote from within the organization, selecting Olmedo Saenz. "I like to mop. I like to clean. But no windows," said an enthusiastic Saenz when he learned of the Romano trade. But most disappointed about the trade was Dodger utility man Jose Hernandez who claims he was promised the "mop-up" roll by manager Jim Tracy. Tracy denies ever making this promise. "Hernandez couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat. He couldn't mop up anything if he had a… uh, a mop," explained Tracy. Hernandez, Saenz and Perez are expected to have a mop-up contest after Sunday's game against the Angels. Some worry that there isn't enough for them to clean in the clubhouse since it is so early in the season. "We've got plenty of slobs on the squad," explained Tracy. "Stuff's constantly falling out of Gagne's beard. Shawn Green has all those empty protein shake containers around his locker...not that they're working. There'll be plenty to clean up." April
2, 2004
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Win. Loss. Win. Loss. Win. Loss. Win. Loss. Win. Loss. Not the sign
of a particularly good team. That's been the Dodgers' pattern, however,
over the last ten games, alternating wins with losses. And in those
five losses, they've scored a run or less four times. Again, not
the sign of a good team. Thursday, the Dodgers lost to the suddenly-energized
Mets, 6-1. The loss, which drops the Dodgers into a first-place
tie with the Padres, brings to light a few items: (1) Karim Garcia
might very well be one of the most repulsive characters on the planet.
(2) Vin Scully must be taking Viagra, because he's got a hard-on
for Todd Zeile. (3) In a matter of days, Jason Grabowski's average
will dip lower than his uniform number. (4) In a matter of days,
Jason Grabowski will get a one-way ticket to Vegas. (5) In the first
inning, Milton Bradley attempted a bunt, seeing Zeile playing deep
at third. Dude is a ballplayer. (6) At this moment, Wilson Alvarez
is probably eating. (7) At this moment, Mike Piazza is neatly trimming
the edges of his beard. (8) The Dodgers should pucker up, because
it's time to kiss first place goodbye.
The Mets had scored 7 runs over their previous 6 games. So it made
perfect sense that they would score nine on Tuesday against the
Dodgers. The Mets scored at least a run off five of seven Dodger
pitchers, including Brian Falkenborg, making his first appearance
as a Dodger. While the Dodger offense spent the middle innings spinning
their wheels, Vin Scully spent the middle innings trying to pronounce
Falkenborg's name. The correct pronunciation is: "Not gonna
be around long." With their 9-5 loss Tuesday, the Dodgers'
lead in the West is down to just a game. And the Player Formerly
Known as Darren Dreifort is down to about 130 pounds—which
is about 12 pounds more than David Weather's neck. 
It's hard to believe that it's late April and the Dodgers are still
in first place. It's hard to believe that Paul Lo Duca is second
in average to only Barry Bonds. It's hard to believe the Dodgers
swept the Giants in San Francisco last weekend. And it's also hard
to believe that Jeff Weaver hasn't killed anyone. However, it's
impossible to believe that one game saw both Cesar Izturis
and Alex Cora hit home runs and Kaz Ishii pitch a 4-hit shutout.
Vin Scully said it best 16 years ago: the impossible has happened.
If Krispy Creme had said before the season that they'd give every
fan in attendance a Krispy Kreme franchise if Izturis and
Cora homered in an Ishii shutout, no one would have thought they
were crazy. Hell, if Krispy Kreme had promised each fan a franchise
after simply an Ishii shutout, it would have been a reasonable marketing
move. What were the odds of the Izturis/Cora/Ishii combo? Well,
if you multiply the number of home runs in Alex Cora's career (18)
times the number of at-bats in Cesar Izturis' career (1199) divided
by the number of walks issued by Kaz Ishii per nine innings (6.1),
you get 3,538.... which means absolutely nothing. We'll just say
this: the odds weren't good. Frankly, there was a better chance
of Rick Monday saying something intelligible. A better chance of
Jim Tracy dropping his shorts and making a doodie on second base.
A better chance of Tim Crews singing the national anthem.
Winning five games in a row against the Giants proved to be too
much to ask for. Yeah, yeah, never end a sentence with a preposition.
Well, there's another rule: never end a game by taking a called
third strike. But telling that to Jose Hernandez is like telling
Michael Jackson to stay away from the day care center. Fine, lousy
analogy. Regardless, on Saturday night Hernandez did what he does
best: go down on strikes—this time representing the tying run.
Matt Herges, who cried when the Dodgers traded him in 2002, picked
up the save. Jeff Weaver, who isn't particularly good, was charged
with his second loss. Milton Bradley, who is an angry man, was ejected
in the first inning. Jason Grab-bag-of-crap-ski, who replaced Milton
Bradley, surprisingly went 0-for-3. Jim Tracy, who is an idiot,
left Jeff Weaver in the game about a batter too long. Tom Martin,
who runs funny, immediately gave up the hit that busted the game
open. Jim Gott, who is a very generous man, gave away Cokes to an
entire row of fans. And Dodger fans, who know no better, chanted
"Barry sucks" for nine innings. All told, Dodgers lose,
5-3.
Hey, at least it was the middle of the day and no one watched the
fucking game. The Dodgers went down quietly in a rain-shortened
6-inning game on Thursday, losing to Colorado, 7-1. Lima Time was
short, lasting just three innings and allowing seven runs (five
earned). Meanwhile, the Dodgers were up to their old tricks, managing
just two hits and blaming it on the weather and the umpires. Despite
scoring nine runs on Wednesday, the Dodgers scored just two runs
combined on Tuesday and Thursday—an embarassing effort for
Coors Field... actually, an embarassing effort for any field. But
it was wet on Thursday, so you have to give them a break. Water
can be scary. Especially when it's dropping from the sky. The Dodgers
can put away their raincoats now, though, as they head back to LA
to play Barry. Here's a thought: if Bonds is allowed to wear all
that fucking armor on his body, Dodger pitchers should allowed to
arm themselves as well. Imagine Odalis Perez with a rocket launcher.
Kaz Ishii with a battering ram. Jeff Weaver driving out to the mound
in a tank. It's only fair. After all, it's the Dodgers and Giants.
It's war.
The Dodger pitching staff is no longer the force it was last season.
And Kaz Ishii is no longer the mediocre pitcher he was last season—he's
worse. Ishii gave up seven earned runs on Tuesday in Colorado (ok,
so it would be 5 runs anywhere else) in just three plus innings,
and the Dodgers folded quietly, 7-1. Since Japanese names generally
mean something, it stands to reason that the three i's in Ishii's
name are meaningful as well: Ineffective, Infuriating, and Integument.
Why Integument? Because we opened the dictionary to 'I' and that's
what was there. If you flip to 'F' and look up 'fucking joke', you'll
find this definition: "The Dodgers overcoming four Barry Bonds
home runs to sweep a series in San Francisco, yet scoring only one
run at Coors Field." If you flip back a few pages in the F's,
you'll find this definition for frustration: "A Dodger fan's
state of mind after Jeromy Burnitz hits his third home run of the
season—all against the Dodgers." And of course there's
this definition for the word 'typical': "Ending a game with
the bases loaded." Ok, one final definition, this one for a
strange word pronounced 'Jason Grabowski'... the definition: "Utterly
useless." 
The numbers tell the story this weekend: Three one-run games. Three
Dodger wins. Three Giant losses. Three Eric Gagne saves (though
only one scoreless inning). Three home runs in a row for the Dodgers
on Sunday. And three home runs for Barry Bonds. No, wait... thanks
to Jim Tracy, make that four home runs for Bonds. Now
that's a fuckin' series. Last April the Dodgers were swept by
the Giants in San Francisco, and the Dodgers returned the favor
on Sunday, beating the Giants 7-6 and winning their fifth game in
a row. For the second consecutive day, Marquis Grissom ended the
game... and for the second consecutive game, Bonds stood in the
on-deck circle, unable to do anything but play with his body armor.
Don't look now, but the Dodgers have the best record in baseball.
Actually, look now, because it won't last—at least not as long
as Jim Tracy's brain is filled with pie. With the Dodgers up by
four runs in the 6th inning, and first base open, the Dodgers elected
to pitch to Bonds. Keep in mind that Bonds had hit four home runs
in his previous ten at-bats, including a shot off Jeff Weaver in
the fourth inning Sunday. It's not about having the balls to challenge
the guy. It's about having the stupidity to challenge the guy. It's
not a smart move, period. There's a reason Bonds walks 700 times
a year: he's kind of good. Tracy lucked out on Sunday, because if
the Dodgers hadn't won, blame would have been splashed all over
that man's no-personality face. Let's hope he learns something.
And let's hope God was watching on Sunday, because Tracy is rapidly
securing his place in Dodger Hell. But today isn't about eternal
damnation; it's about baseball. And about a team playing better
than anyone expected. And about a broom.
For a Dodger fan, there is nothing more enjoyable than a win in
San Francisco. And when Giants fans are teased by Barry Bonds standing
in the on-deck circle, the win is even sweeter. And when a former
Dodger grounds into the game-ending double-play, life is sweetest.
It's generally our recommendation to Dodger fans to take victories
in stride—we tell everyone to not get too excited. Well, when
it's two in a row against the Giants... in San Francisco... to start
the season series... in dramatic fashion... we have this recommendation
to Dodger fans: LIVE THIS SHIT UP! Uncover that Think Blue bumper
sticker. Paint your ugly face blue and white. Take a piss on a J.T.
Snow baseball card. The Dodgers are in first place and the Giants
are three games back. Plus, Alex Cora is hurt again. It's a beautiful
weekend! Look, we all figured that Marquis Grissom would come up
the hero on Saturday, adding insult to injury, but as it turned
out, the only people insulted were Giant fans. Here's hoping the
insults continue. (And while we're making wishes, a scoreless inning
by Gagne would be nice.)
The Dodgers came from behind to beat the Padres on Thursday night,
winning their third series in a row to begin the season. Lucky for
them the schedule began with San Diego and Colorado. Still, it's
a start that no one expected—especially Hideo Nomo, whose fastball
no longer can be called such. Nomo gave up home runs to two of the
first four batters on Thursday, but like Ishii a day prior, managed
to hang around long enough to pick up the win. It might have been
a costly win, however, as Shawn Green left the game in the fifth
inning with tightness in his right groin. That really shouldn't
come as a shock. Since he's been the first baseman, Green has actually
had to move around a bit—almost like an athlete. Every few
minutes he has to take a few steps towards first, stick a foot on
the bag, and reach for a throw. On occasion, he's even had to bend
over. And once or twice—hold your breath—he even got dirt
on his uniform. There's no way anyone could sustain such rigorous
activity without hurting themselves. Speaking of hurting, that's
what Dodger fans will be doing after Marquis Grissom hits four home
runs this weekend.
Looking lifeless one day and potent the next, the Dodgers beat the
Padres on Wednesday, 11-4. The Dodgers scored six runs in the second
inning off David Wells, and didn't look back. The generally crappy
Kaz Ishii managed to last until the seventh inning, and he even
drove in two runs with a bases-loaded single—an impressive
at-bat for a guy who usually looks like he's going to crap his pants
at the plate. The story, however, was Olmedo Saenz. Okay, fine,
the story wasn't Olmedo Saenz. Olmedo Saenz struck out. But what
are the chances that the story will ever be Olmedo Saenz?
Right, not very good. So we just wanted to see what it sounded like.
Frankly, it sounds stupid. Moving on... In other news, Todd Hundley
was seen walking in traffic on the Coronado Bridge. When told of
the sighting, a Dodger official replied "No shit, how do you
think he got there?"
Good things come to those who wait. OK, well maybe not good
things, but expected things come to those who wait. And in
this case the expected thing is the shittiness of the Dodgers. Lest
anyone think the Dodgers were going to surprise people this season,
they've now lost two straight. The only surprise is that it took
this long for their true colors to come out. Making their Petco
Park debut on Tuesday, the Dodgers were DOGgone bad. It was a CATastrophe.
And their offense was a bit FISHY. Okay, that's already old. Almost
as old as Darren Dreifort is looking these days. The poor guy is
either clinically depressed, on drugs, or just plain dying. That's
not Darren Driefort on the mound—it's the ghost of Darren Dreifort.
That's not the Darren Dreifort who once hit two 440-ft home runs
in one game—it's Tripp Cromer in a Darren Dreifort uniform.
For the love of God, get the guy some sun, a couple dumbells, and
a sandwich. Meanwhile, as Dreifort wastes away, Jeff Weaver is just
a waste. After a decent start last week, Weaver gave up six runs
on Tuesday before being pulled in the 4th inning. Didn't matter
much, though, as the Dodgers managed just seven hits—each in
a different inning. Adding to the fun was Shawn Green, who homered
in the 7th—with the bases empty and the Dodgers down by five
runs. Yep, they're back.
If you were smart, you left the tag on that Cesar Izturis jersey
you bought a couple days ago. And on the Juan Encarnacion thermos.
And the Dodger underpants. You weren't thinking straight when you
dropped $115 at the souvenir stand. You were swept away by the magic
and promise of a 4-game winning streak. You were swept away by the
dream of an underdog beating up on the rest of the league. You were
swept away by Shawn Green's smile. No wait, wrong guy. Anyway, point
is you were duped. You were weak. You got sucked in. And thankfully,
on Sunday, you got smacked in the face. It wasn't a particularly
painful loss—but it was a typical loss. Two runs. Four hits
through eight innings. A former Dodger hitting one out. Jason Grapieceofcrap
coming up empty as a pinch-hitter. It was typical—and there's
more where that came from. Sure, it was cool that they won a couple
games, but aside from Milton Bradley, they're still the lousy team
they were this spring—minus Jolbert Cabrera. A happy Easter
in Chavez Ravine? Jesus Christ.
Okay, the Dodgers are off to a nice start. We can admit that. They're
4-1, they haven't lost since Opening Day, and Milton Bradley has
yet to be arrested... although he did come very close to removing
his batting gloves immediately after he hit his 440-ft home run
on Saturday (and, of course, it was the batting glove thing that
sparked his feud with Paul LoDuca last season). The Dodgers are
in first place, but let's be real—they haven't exactly been
playing the cream of the crop. Three against the Padres. A couple
against the Rockies. Scott Elarton. Denny Stark. You can't put the
Dodgers down for winning, but you can't read into it either. There
are 157 games left, and plenty of time for them to fall apart. As
a Dodger fan, you'd hope that won't happen. As a Dodger Blues fan,
however, you'd better hope it will. Look, let's face it: if the
Dodgers don't start losing soon, this web site is going to get really
fucking boring—as boring as the 2004 Dodgers were supposed
to be. As boring as an Alex Cora at-bat. As boring as an evening
with Jamie McCourt. As boring as 30 seconds of Rick Monday. Ok,
you get the point. 
The Dodgers, fresh off two dramatic victories, won their third in
a row Friday night, easily beating the Rockies, 5-1. Recognizing
that the Dodgers are unbeatable and are obviously playoff-bound,
the City of Los Angeles plans to honor Frank McCourt with a star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Now considered one of the greatest
owners in Dodger history, McCourt has undoubtedly brought back a
winning tradition to Chavez Ravine. Because of McCourt's empty pockets,
the Dodgers got to keep Alex Cora—who tripled in two runs Friday
night. Because of McCourt's empty pockets, the Dodgers got to keep
Wilson Alvarez—who struck out 19 guys in three innings of relief
on Friday. Because of McCourt's empty pockets, the Dodgers got to
acquire Jason Grabowski—who... well, he struck out. So forget
about Grabowski. (Yeah, we know, that's tough to do... unless you're
Jim Tracy, apparently.) So, the Dodgers are all alone in first place.
Live it up, people. Wear that Dodger gear proudly. Dust off that
Glenn Hoffman jersey. Put that Tom Martin bobblehead back on your
dashboard. Wash off that Guillermo Mota shot glass. But do it now.
You don't have much time.
For the second consecutive night Wednesday, the Dodgers edged the
Padres on a walk-off base hit. Paul LoDuca's 11th inning single
off former Dodger Ismael Valdes drove home Milton Bradley, and also
gave the 1,300 fans left at the stadium reason to drive home—that
is, except for the fans who've begun to line up for playoff tickets.
With a two game winning streak, and the team as hot as they've been
all season, there's an excitement that hasn't been felt since, well...
since the Dodgers announced that Duaner Sanchez was being added
to the 40-man roster. Jeff Weaver made his Dodger debut and picked
up where the man traded for him left off: good pitching with no
run support. Weaver, looking a little like an escaped mental patient,
threw seven innings and allowed just one run. The Dodger offense
was hardly impressive (managing just one run through the first 10
innings), but it eventually got the job done. Paul LoDuca—or
as Vin Scully called him on Wednesday, Paul DoLuca—had four
of the team's six hits. So, it's three games into the season and
the Dodgers are tied for first place. What does it mean? About as
much as a Shawn Green solo homer. Get excited if you must, but know
the Dodgers' plan is to keep you interested for five months just
so that they can break your heart in September. Don't forget that.
The Dodgers came from four runs behind on Tuesday to night to beat
the San Diego Padres, which means three things: (1) they'll never
do it again, (2) they've already won one more game than we expected,
and (3) fans who don't know any better now think the team is destined
for the playoffs. Of course, these are the same fans who only cheer
when they're told to by the scoreboard. Like we said, they don't
know any better. Speaking of not knowing any better, Jim Tracy still
has Paul LoDuca in the 5th spot... which is like batting Kaz Ishii
leadoff. OK, it's nothing like batting Kaz Ishii leadoff, but you
get the point. Fine, you don't get the point. But we do have a point.
Fine, we don't have a point. Anyway, it looked bleak for the first
few innings on Tuesday, with the Padres hitting Odalis Perez and
the Dodgers hitting into double plays. After Perez departed in the
6th, however, things miraculously turned around. The Dodgers needed
some help to score their first run—with Dave Roberts coming
in on a balk—but after an Angry Beltre homer, the game was
suddenly tied at four. (And, suddenly, Shawn Green's uniform was
a little dirty.) After a scoreless inning by Fatty Gagne, the Dodgers
uncharacteristically won it in the bottom of the ninth on a pinch
single by Robin Ventura. It was fun, but don't get too used to that.
Things seemed to come together for the Dodgers those last few innings,
which means it'll probably be July before something like that happens
again. So, the Dodgers have evened their record, but more importantly,
Darren Dreifort—who pitched to two batters in the eighth—no
longer resembles Darren Dreifort. Either Olmedo Saenz is stealing
Dreifort's meals or Dreifort's bi-monthly surgeries have taken a
toll on the poor guy. Either way, $11 million should be plenty to
afford a quesadilla or something.
For about 24 hours, there was some excitement in Los Angeles. The
Dodgers had acquired Milton Bradley, a guy who could hit, and suddenly
it seemed like the team could be decent. It seemed like they might
actually have a chance. It seemed like they might surprise us. And
then the season started. And the only surprise was that more than
3,000 fans hung around until the end of the game. Whatever excitement
was generated by Sunday's trade was quickly extinguished in just
a couple innings on Monday. The Dodgers got a couple guys on base
in the first, and you start thinking that maybe this is it—maybe
they'll get an early lead, maybe they'll start strong, maybe it'll
carry them through the season. And then they leave two guys on base.
And then they leave the bases loaded. And then they leave two more
guys on base. And then Nomo gets shelled. And then you realize you're
a Dodger fan. And these are the Dodgers. And that hot dog just cost
you four bucks. But be thankful. Be thankful that there are no illusions
of grandeur. Be thankful that as long as Jim Tracy is making the
lineup, you won't have to spend your money on playoff tickets. And
most of all, be thankful that you can bunt better than Hideo Nomo.
Like a guy going shopping on Christmas Eve, Paul De Podesta made
the "big" move on Sunday, acquiring problem-child Milton
Obelle Bradley from Cleveland in exchange for Dodger minor league
player-of-the-year Franklin Gutierrez and a player to be named later.
Provided that the player to be named later isn't Eric Gagne, the
deal makes sense. Bradley is no superstar, but he's young, talented,
and blessed the world with Candy Land. Problems have followed Bradley
wherever he's gone, but some people (namely Bradley, his mom, and
PDP) feel that he's been given a bad rap. Frankly, judging people
on their past actions is a pretty reasonable thing to do. So let's
judge: Hospitalized for drunkeness, fled from police, clashed with
opposing players, pulled by his manager for not hustling. And all
before his 26th birthday. Case closed: the guy is a pain in the
ass. That said, he's still a good ballplayer, and the last time
we checked, major league baseball was about winning. The Dodgers
could field a team of nice guys like Alex Cora, but Alex Cora's
don't win. Alex Cora's may be nice to reporters, Alex Cora's may
not create problems in the dugout, and Alex Cora's may not run from
the police, but Alex Cora's don't win. Odds are that Bradley will
be Bradley—which means there's a good chance he'll carjack
Ross Porter before the All-Star break, but there's also a good chance
that he'll do a lot more with the bat than Robin Ventura, the guy
most likely being displaced from the lineup. (There's also a good
chance that Shawn Green will have a nervous breakdown from playing
first base, but that's a topic for another time.) To a certain extent
the Bradley deal was probably made to save face—after all,
McCourt promised a hitter and now he can say that he's delivered.
Now hopefully McCourt won't have a problem with Paul LoDuca hiding
in his office. And hopefully Franklin Gutierrez won't turn into
the player many expect him to be. And hopefully there will be many,
many more Jim Tracy quotes like this one—a fine way to transition
into a new season:
The Dodgers on Saturday sent infielder/outfielder Jolbert Cabrera
packing to "Ichiro-land" for Mariner right-hander Aaron
Looper and left-hander Ryan Ketchner. Cabrera
had helped the Dodgers at second base, center field, left field,
at the concession stands, and as Eric Gagne's personal goatee comber.
"It's a shame that Jolby had to leave," said a disappointed
Gagne. "We had good times together. This one time, he found
a piece of chicken in my goatee. I hadn't eaten chicken in two weeks.
It was pretty gross."
Ever since about December we've known it, but only now is it official:
the 2004 Dodgers are the biggest losers in Los Angeles history.
With their 6-4 loss to the Angels on Friday night, the Dodgers have
lost 20 spring training games for the first time since moving to
L.A. in 1958. It's generally accepted that spring training records
and stats don't mean too much, but in this case, it's safe to assume
we've been given a pretty accurate glimpse of what's to come. If
the Dodgers .375 winning percentage this spring extends over the
course of the season, they'll win about 60 games... although if
Jeff Weaver can keep his ERA under 7, they might win 64 or 65. If
Robin Ventura can become 28-years-old again, they might win 67 or
68. If Jayson Werth can hit .400 off the bench, they might win 71
or 72. If Darren Dreifort's head doesn't fall off, they might win
73 or 74. If someone changes the schedule and they don't play the
Yankees for three games, they might win 76 or 77. If by some miracle
Jim Tracy is fired, they might win 81 or 82. If Adrian Beltre finally
lives up to his potential and hits 73 home runs, they might win
87 or 88. If Shawn Green dives for a couple balls in the outfield,
they might win 91 or 92. If PDP can pull off a midseason Izturis-for-Nomar
deal, they might win 97 or 98. And if hell freezes over, they might
win 100. Go Dodgers!