By the way, I have to take credit for Juan Pierre's 15-game hitting streak. On August 11th, I posted a clock on the site that keeps track of games until Pierre's contract is over. His streak started the next day, and he's 26-for-66 (.393). If I could just find a way to do something about that hot dog he calls an arm...

August 26, 2007 - Dodgers 6, Mets 2
There's still gas in his tank (both types of gas, probably)

For a guy who hasn't pitched in three weeks and-by the looks of it-hasn't had a salad either, David Wells had a successful debut for the Dodgers on Sunday. After Wells' first pitch of the night was ripped to third, it didn't look like he'd be around particularly long, but he made it through five, giving up two runs on seven hits and three walks. He pitched out of trouble constantly, finally striking out Moises Alou with the bases loaded in the fifth to end his night.

Perhaps Wells' biggest contribution came with the bat, as he led of the top of the 5th inning by beating out a bunt. That's right, the guy who makes Olmedo Saenz look like a triathlete beat out a bunt. Hell, Juan Pierre doesn't even do that anymore these days. Wells came around to score the tying run, and the Dodgers added another on a double to right-center by Jeff Ke—no, wait, Ramon Martinez. Kent was pulled an inning earlier after taking a John Maine pitch in the helmet, and it turned out to be a blessing. As Kent sat in the clubhouse looking at the calendar to figure out how many more days of this shit he'd have to put up with, Martinez gave the Dodgers the lead… and would have given them more had Matt Kemp not done a 360 degree spin at second base to figure out where the hell the ball was.

The Dodgers added three more runs in the sixth, taking advantage of a Jeff Conine error, and the bullpen pitched four scoreless innings to shut down the Mets. Jonathan Broxton got Joe Beimel off the hook in the 7th inning, and Takashi Saito (remember him?) pitched the ninth for a non-save. The win—a big one to momentarily stop the bleeding—moves the Dodgers to within three and a half games of San Diego in the Wild Card. That's just close enough to make next weekend's series in San Diego a complete disaster.

August 25, 2007
Old dudes beat Dodgers

Watching all the senior citizens run around the field at Shea Stadium on Saturday night, I wasn't sure whether I was watching baseball or lawn bowling. Orlando Hernandez started for the Mets, Sandy Alomar Jr. was behind the plate, Luis Gonzalez was in left for the Dodgers, Jeff Kent at second, Rudy Seanez and Roberto Hernandez relieved (or tried to, at least), and David Wells, grandpappy of them all, sat in the dugout thinking back to the days when he was in his early 40s.

On this night, in fact, most of the damage to the Dodgers was done by those of an excessive age—on both teams. Orlando Hernandez (old) limited the Dodgers to one hit through the first five innings and ended up giving up just four through seven innings. The first two Dodger baserunners were caught stealing by Sandy Alomar (old), who had to oil his shoulder before throwing to second. The Dodgers finally got on the board in the seventh inning with a pair of home runs from Luis Gonzalez and Russell Martin, but by then were playing catch-up. The homers got the Dodgers to within one, but Roberto Hernandez (old) immediately gave a run back, unable to get through a single inning without getting bombed. Gonzalez (old) didn't help matters by failing to catch a catchable ball that drove in the run. Roberto Hernandez, who's pitched for six teams in the last five years, now has a 6.20 ERA since Ned Colletti made the brilliant decision to sign him. Colletti must have some kind of email alert that lets him know when a guy over the age of 40 is released by another ballclub. It's truly amazing that Julio Franco isn't wearing a Dodger uniform these days.

Anyway, the Dodgers eked out another run in the eighth inning to pull within one again, but Juan for Four hit into a double-play to end the inning. The scene repeated itself a few minutes later when Luis Gonzalez grounded into the double-play to end the game. Wow, quite an offense.

By the way, is it just me, or is Rick Honeycutt looking more and more like a woman?

August 24, 2007
Tomko's 12th loss: his roster spot

Ok, so I was wrong. Instead of adding another useless arm to the pitching staff, the Dodgers replaced one with another. Truth be told, if I had a choice between Brett Tomko and David Wells, I'd certainly go with Wells, who at least has some passion for the game. But that doesn't mean it'll make one bit of difference in the outcome of the season. Even Wells agrees: "Am I the solution? Probably not," he said after joining the Dodgers on Friday and immediately seeing his new team lose to the Mets, 5-2.

Tomko, meanwhile, was almost happy to leave. "I'm not mad. I'm not even disappointed. It's life." Actually, you really can't blame him for the chipper attitude. He's leaving a team and fans who had no confidence in him (and rightfully so), and going home to his Playboy Playmate wife. He leaves the Dodgers with a 5.80 ERA and a bizarre hope that he'll catch on somewhere else. "It just got out of whack," he said, about his pitching for Dodgers. "It's just get back to the basics and pitching like I did last year or the year before." Yeah, uh, anyone want to tell Brett that he had a 4.73 ERA last season? And lost 15 games the year before?

August 23, 2007
He's Brett Tomko, just fatter

Not wanting to make a run for the Wild Card with only one pitcher incapable of getting anyone out, the Dodgers are adding another on Friday. Though it's not official, the Dodgers will announce that they've signed 44-year-old lefty David Wells—the only guy who can make Roberto Hernandez feel young. Wells was released by the Padres on August 9th, and I guarantee you the only thing he's thrown since then are Cheetos into his giant mouth.

At his best, Wells is a good pitcher. But he hasn't been at his best for about five years. Today, he's Brett Tomko on a motorcycle. Tomko has a 5.80 ERA; Wells was at 5.62 before the Padres dumped him. The Dodgers don't figure to get rid of Brett Tomko, so basically they've just gotten worse by adding another guy of his caliber. Thankfully, Wells still has a seven-game suspension to serve from an incident earlier this year, so at the most he'll get five starts.

Ned Colletti must have thought that Wells had pitched for the Giants at some point in his career. Either that, or he wet himself knowing that he could sign someone for $80,000. Only problem is that Wells' contract includes performance incentives, which the Dodgers are rumored to be including. With those incentives, the Dodgers could be paying Wells almost $1 million for a month's worth of mediocrity. And lest we not forget, it takes a lot of fabric to make that uniform.

August 22, 2007 - Dodgers 15, Phillies 3
Lowe finally gets some support

If you compare the fifteen runs that the Dodgers scored on Wednesday to the thirty that Texas produced, it's not much to talk about. But if you consider that earlier this month it took the Dodgers nine games to produce fifteen runs, you've got to look at fifteen in nine innings as a major success. Unfortunately, no matter how many hits the Dodgers had (eighteen), how many different guys had RBIs (eight), how many times they struck out (just once), how many extra base hits they tallied (five), or how many runs Derek Lowe allowed (three over seven innings), they still have to come back on Thursday and beat Philadelphia again. At this point in the season, you can't continue to lose series after series and think everything is going to be okay. Besides, if the Dodgers can't win in mid-August, how can they truly believe that they have the fire it takes to win in October?

August 21, 2007 - Phillies 5, Dodgers 4
Dodgers waste Hendrickson's miracle

Topping the list of things I don't expect to see happen in my lifetime is the cataclysmic collision of Jupiter and Mars. Second is the extension of the Red Line subway to Santa Monica. And third is Mark Hendrickson working out of a bases loaded, nobody out jam. Well, crazy as it may sound, I can now cross one of them off the list.

With Brett Tomko having left in the fifth inning after failing to retire a batter, in came Hendrickson. With the Dodgers already down by two, you had to figure they'd soon be down by five. But then it happened. A soft line out. A strike out. A fly out. And just like that, Mark Hendrickson had escaped someone else's bases loaded, nobody out jam. He can't pitch two decent innings as a starter, but he can inherit three runners and strand them all? Freak.

Unfortunately for the Dodgers, Hendrickson's work only held them close enough to keep it vaguely interesting. The Dodgers added a run in the seventh inning to pull within one, but ultimately couldn't overcome Tomko's crappiness (4 innings, 4 ER, 3 BB...) and even crappier baserunning. Luis Gonzalez was caught off base on a botched delayed steal in the first inning, Juan Pierre was nailed in the third trying to stretch a double into a triple, and Russell Martin was hung out to dry at third base an inning later. Excessive aggressiveness or pure stupidity, the frustration was doubled by the fact it was Jayson Werth at the front end of the throws to third. Werth was a medical disaster when he was in L.A., and now he's making sure his former team fades a little further from contention. Oh, did I mention that Werth also had two hits and a walk? Awesome.

On a positive note, Andre Ethier batted third on Tuesday. Welcome back, Grady—how was your nap?

August 19, 2007 - Dodgers 4, Rockies 3
Martinez lifts Dodgers (and his average to .180)

After Sunday's game at Dodger Stadium, Brad Penny drove downtown to the police station. "I'd like to file a police report," he said. "Something was stolen from me today." Indeed, it was his fifteenth win that was stolen—by teammate Scott Proctor. With the Dodgers leading by one in the eighth, Proctor gave up a 2-run homer to Todd Helton, taking Penny out of the picture and putting the Dodgers on the edge of losing their 47th straight series (or something like that). Proctor, as it turned out, would get the win.

With the bases loaded in the bottom of the eighth, Ramon Martinez stepped to the plate—and fans stepped a little closer to the exits. Martinez, who's been a favorite of Grady Little despite having a batting average that most relief pitchers would be embarrassed to own, stroked a Jeremy Affeldt pitch to right-center that returned the lead to the Dodgers. Takashi Saito earned his 33rd save by striking out the side in the ninth, and the Dodgers moved to within 2-1/2 games in the Wild Card race. It's mid-August, and we're already talking Wild Card? That's truly pathetic.

Also pathetic is how, four years from now, you'll be walking down the aisle of Ralphs and run into Russell Martin—using a walker. Seriously, Grady Little is going to single-handedly destroy this kid's career. After catching all fourteen innings on Saturday night, Martin was right back in the lineup twelve hours later. In the month of August, Martin has started all but one game. This season, he's started all but thirteen. Sure, you want him in the lineup as often as possible. He's exciting to watch, he's the most consistent hitter they have, and he catches a good game. But I don't care whether you're 24 or 44, squatting behind the plate every day takes a toll. That's why there's such a thing as a backup catcher. That's why, I would imagine, they spent $1 million on Mike Lieberthal. "Russell wants to be in there every day," Little keeps saying. Well, terrific, Mark Hendrickson also wants to be a starter again, but is that going to happen? Sometimes a manager has to do what's best for the team. Giving Martin rest is what's best for the team—now, and for the future (hopefully a future that doesn't include Little).

August 18, 2007 - Rockies 7, Dodgers 4
Prolonging the pain

As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Not the wee hours of the morning, when Saturday's 14-inning game was over, but the actual daylight hours of Sunday morning. By the time I got home from Saturday's game, all I wanted was a bed, a gun, and some Prozac (in no particular order). At five hours and six minutes, it was the longest game at Dodger Stadium in twenty years. That's a lot of Juan Pierre to handle. And with a Dodger hit coming less than once every half-hour, it was torture taken to a new level.

Frankly, I don't have the energy to go into the details right now. You know the facts: The first five guys in the Dodger lineup went a combined 3-for-29, Shea Hillenbrand had four hits but hasn't a clue how to run the bases, Roberto Hernandez has no business being on a major league roster, and Olmedo Saenz has no business being in the starting lineup when James Loney is sitting on the bench. The Dodgers are now 7-1/2 games back of Arizona, and they deserve every game of it. The worst part? There's another game to watch in about two hours.

August 17, 2007 - Dodgers 6, Rockies 4
Stults spells Hendrickson with success

If Eric Stults had pitched two innings on Friday and allowed four runs, it would have been considered an improvement over Mark Hendrickson—who he replaced in the starting rotation. Just called up from Triple-A, Stults did even better. He went seven innings, allowing just two runs and striking out nine. For a change, fans were treated to a Dodger nobody shutting down another team instead of another team's nobody silencing the Dodgers.

The Dodger offense produced ten hits—a few of which actually happened with runners in scoring position—and they went on to win, 6-4. The victory is their third in a row, something that didn't seem at all possible just a few days ago. While it's very nice of them to actually seem like they're trying, it's a little late in the season to suddenly show a heartbeat. The Diamondbacks surged when the Dodgers fell over the last month, so the Dodgers are a little too far back for me to do backflips over three wins. What the winning does do, though, is keep suckers in the seats. On Friday night, the team passed the three million mark in attendance for the twelfth straight season. Congratulations to Dodger fans, who've paid outrageous prices to see a mediocre product in record numbers.

August 15, 2007 - Dodgers 6, Astros 3
Dodgers win; D'Backs scared shitless

With Brad Penny on the mound, Mark Sweeney on the bench, and most fans on suicide watch, the Dodgers broke out of their funk for an hour or so on Wednesday and beat the Astros, 6-3. For five innings, it was status quo, as the Dodgers continued to flail away with runners in scoring position. The second, third, and fifth innings all ended with someone standing at second base. The way things have been going, it wouldn't have been surprising to see a bat boy run out with a lawn chair for Matt Kemp after he stole second with two outs in the sixth. Russell Martin delivered, though, hitting his second home run of the night and giving the Dodgers a 4-3 lead. An inning later, the freak show continued, as the Dodgers got two consecutive hits with runners in scoring position and padded their improbable lead.

Gosh, so exciting. Yeah, maybe if you're five years old. If you're out of diapers, though, you know better than to let Wednesday's victory titillate you. These are the same guys who've looked like holy hell the last three weeks—and just regular hell prior to that. The fact that a few of Juan Pierre's ground balls have gone through the hole this week isn't quite enough to make me perk up from my summer slumber. Honestly, the only thing that gets me to watch a game these days is my sick desire to see if it can get any worse. Can they go 300 at-bats without a run-scoring single? Can a double-amputee shut them out? Will Grady Little bat Pierre in the cleanup spot? Stay tuned.

August 14, 2007 - Astros 7, Dodgers 4
Dodgers explode for four, but get Marked off

Under normal circumstances, the loss of Nomar Garciaparra to the disabled list might be considered a big blow to the Dodgers. With the team immersed in a putrid slump, though, nobody bats an eye... because the Dodgers might as well not bat at all. Does it really matter whether Nomar is at third, Shea Hillenbrand is at third, or Charley Steiner is at third? Does it matter who's batting cleanup? Does it matter who's on the mound? Does it matter what Mark Hendrickson's role is? Does it matter what shitty pitcher they're facing?

The Astros came into this series with the Dodgers as the worst road team in the National League. They left the stadium on Tuesday night feeling a little better about themselves. Brett Tomko and Joe Beimel were knocked around for seven runs, and the Astros went on to win, 7-4. It was the fourth straight loss for the Dodgers—tenth in their last twelve games—and drops them to a pathetic 60-59 record. You'd think that they'd play well once in a while just as a fluke, but you'd be wrong.

On a positive note, Mark Sweeney must finally feel like he belongs in blue. With two on and the Dodgers down by three in the ninth, Juan Pierre capped his 30th birthday celebration by popping up behind the plate. Sweeney, who was on first, jogged toward second as Brad Ausmus caught the last out of the game—or so Mark thought. Sadly, it was only the second out, the third coming a second later when Sweeney was doubled up at first. Maybe he was daydreaming about Barry Bonds, maybe he figured the Dodgers always have two outs, or maybe couldn't wait to get back to the clubhouse and help Pierre blow out his candles. He definitely blew out the team's candles. Actually, he blew out the team's candles, stuck them up his asshole, and then put them back on the cake. How do the Dodgers come up with this shit?

August 12, 2007 - Cardinals 12, Dodgers 2
Cardinals fatten up on Dodgers

Remember when you actually used to look forward to sitting down on a Sunday and watching a ballgame? If you're a Dodger fan, it's probably been awhile. And after watching the game against the Cardinals on Sunday, you've probably decided that there are more productive ways to spend your time—like dropping weights on your toes, drinking expired milk, and seeing how far you can jam a bobby pin in an electrical outlet.

KCAL-9 tried to do all of us a favor on Sunday and dropped the signal for a couple minutes in the third inning... but unfortunately Mark Hendrickson was still pitching when the picture came back on. Hendrickson gave up eight runs on eleven hits before he was pulled in the third, but the game was essentially over in the first inning. In the top of the inning, the Dodgers failed to advance Rafael Furcal after a leadoff single. In the bottom of the inning, Ryan Ludwick hit a 3-run homer. Game over.

The comic relief came in the third when David Eckstein hit a soft liner to Hendrickson, who mistook it for a shot out of a canon. In a panicked attempt to save his own life, Hendrickson's glove went flying, his arms flew up in the air, and the ball—travelling roughly the speed of an old lady pushing a shopping cart—deflected off his hands (somehow, both hands). Bruised, Hendrickson left the game. Sadly, he wasn't alone in his heinousness, as Scott Proctor and Joe Beimel each gave up a pair of runs later.

If the Dodgers should be embarrased about anything, though, it should be the fact that they spent all weekend letting a terrible pitching staff off the hook. Off the second-worst pitching staff in the league, the Dodgers scored two runs on Friday, one on Saturday, and two again on Sunday. Anthony Reyes, who came into Sunday's game with a 1-11 record and an ERA over five and a half, limited the Dodgers to seven hits and two runs in six innings.

The Dodgers are now three games above .500 for the first time since mid-April. They're six games out of first, don't have a single starting pitcher they can count on, and Juan Pierre is back batting second. But don't fret—now we've got Chad Moeller at Triple-A. Whew, we all know how Grady Little likes to take advantage of all his options behind the plate.

August 11, 2007 - Cardinals 6, Dodgers 1
Grady Little is a douchebag

Over the last few weeks, I've written plenty about Grady Little. I've written about Little's absurd lineups that featured Juan Pierre batting second and Andre Ethier batting eighth. I've written about Little burning out Russell Martin by refusing to give him a day off (in fact, Martin started for the twelfth straight game Saturday). And I've written about Little's apparent inability to motivate his players. What I haven't written much about is how Little manages a game (or manages to screw up a game). Well, I'm going to take care of that right now.

It's the fifth inning Saturday afternoon and, thanks in large part to Rafael Furcal, the Dodgers are down 5-0. Nomar Garciaparra leads off with an infield single. Andre Etheir follows with a double. So it's second and third, nobody out. If the Dodgers are going to get back in the game, this is the time. Juan Pierre steps to the plate and—typically—pops out on the first pitch. Ramon Martinez follows, works the count full, and takes a fastball down the middle. Runners on second and third, two out. Due up: Derek Lowe. With the Dodgers down five runs, everything points to Lowe being pulled for a pinch-hitter:

• He wasn't pitching a sharp game.
• He's fighting through a hip injury that he re-aggravated an inning earlier.
• The Dodger bullpen hasn't necessarily been overworked lately.
• It's still early enough in the game that if the Dodgers were to pick up a couple runs, they could get back in it.
• The Dodger offense has been anemic, so you've got to make the most of every scoring opportunity.

Clealry clueless to all of this, however, Grady Little has no one warming up in the bullpen and leaves Derek Lowe in the game. Lowe grounds out weakly to end the inning, and the Cardinals escape unscathed. Little has made some poor decisions over the last season and a half, but I think this one takes the cake. By leaving Lowe in the game, Little basically threw in the towel. What other way is there to read it? With the Dodger bats as quiet as they've been, what the hell is he waiting for? A five-run rally in the ninth? It's been a week since the Dodgers have scored more than two runs in an inning, and Little is banking on it happening in the last four innings Saturday? Jesus Christ, the man's head must be filled with cream cheese.

Actually, the way the Dodgers have been playing, I wouldn't necessarily blame Little if he jammed sixteen ounces of whipped Philadelphia in his ears before every game. Saturday, the Dodgers had five hits—none of which with runners in scoring position. They're now five for their last seventy-four with runners in scoring position. Should we even be calling it scoring position anymore?

Meanwhile, the Dodgers were taken to school on Saturday by a Cardinals pitcher. No, not Braden Looper. I'm talking, of course, about Rick Ankiel. The former Wild Thing, who was recalled two days ago from Triple-A as an outfielder, went 3-for-4 with two home runs and a circus catch in the outfield. Good for him, it's actually something amazing to watch. And it means there's still hope for D.J. Houlton.

August 10, 2007 - Dodgers 2, Cardinals 1
He does it all aloney

A few years ago when Adrian Beltre was still sucking, the Dodgers picked up third baseman Tyler Houston late in the season to scare Beltre into action. It worked. This week, the Dodgers picked up two first baseman—albeit mediocre ones—who figure to step in if James Loney falters. Whether the acqusitions had anything to do with it or not, Loney stepped up on Friday, powering the Dodgers to a 2-1 win over St. Louis. Brad Penny rebounded from a couple lousy starts and a wild first few innings to blank the Cardinals over seven. A clean-shaven Joe Beimel pitched a scoreless inning, and Takashi Saito narrowly escaped the bottom of the ninth, earning his 29th save.

Prior to Loney's ninth-inning home run, the Dodgers were completely and utterly silenced by Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainright—who pitched the best game of his career. The Dodgers had only four hits through the first eight, and hit into two double-plays. Their only scoping chances came in the fifth, when Andre Ethier struck out to end the inning with two guys on, and in the eighth, when Mark Sweeney struck out to leave Ethier at second base. Were they slipping back into their scoreless funk, or was Wainright really that good? I don't know, but Tony LaRussa sure thinks he's the greatest man alive, doesn't he? Look at me, I have a law degree and I'm going to bat the pitcher eighth.

Before the game, of course, the Dodgers announced that they had signed journeyman prick Shea Hillenbrand. Released by the Angels at the end of June, and then released a couple days ago by the Padres after spending just twelve days with their triple-A affiliate, Hillenbrand was assigned Friday to Las Vegas. After he inevitably wears out his welcome there, the Dodgers will call him up to destroy their clubhouse chemistry—just about the only thing they've had going for them of late.

August 9, 2007 - Dodgers 5, Reds 4
Eureka! Five runs!

It was a great day for the Dodgers on Thursday. First, Juan Pierre was dropped to the seventh spot in the lineup. Then, they actually scored. And after that, Candy Maldonado's name came up. Can it get any better?

As for the game, it took eleven innings, but the Dodgers picked up their first win in a week. Not only did they score, they scored in five different innings—some of them even coming consecutively. While they blew a couple chances to bust the game open, it was Rafael Furcal's solo home run in the 11th that won it for the Dodgers. Delwyn Young got the start in left, going 4-for-4, and Russell Martin—making his tenth start in a row—had three hits. Scott Proctor notched his first win for the Dodgers and Takashi Saito made just his fourth appearance in the last two weeks, picking up his 28th save. That all sounds great, but their streak of futility isn't quite so easy to forget. It's going to take a little more than a 5-4 win over the Reds to fool Dodger fans into caring once again. It'll take a fleece blanket, or a lunch box, or a Tommy Lasorda bobblehead.

Now on to the important topic: Candy Maldonado. Until Thursday, Maldonado was the last Dodger traded to the San Francisco Giants—twenty-two years ago. That trade netted the Dodgers superstar Alex Trevino (who has now been mentioned here two days in a row). On Thursday, the Dodgers got the 2007 equivalent of Alex Trevino: pinch-hitter Mark Sweeney. In exchange, the Dodgers give the Giants… well… nothing. Officially, the Giants will receive a player to be named later or cash. Unofficially, Ned Colletti will buy Brian Sabean a cheeseburger and call it even. A National League West whore who's had three stints in San Diego and spent two years in Colorado before joining the Giants, Sweeney will give the Dodgers a left-handed option off the bench. Hmmm... can anyone say Marlon Anderson? Wilson Betemit?

August 8, 2007 - Reds 1, Dodgers 0
Helen Keller made more noise

So, you mean to tell me that Grady Little moves a guy with one of the team's worst on-base percentages into the leadoff spot and the Dodgers don't win? Geez, go figure. Actually, Grady could have put himself in the leadoff spot on Wednesday and the results couldn't have been any worse. Hell, he could have put his goddamn wife in the leadoff spot and it wouldn't have made a difference. Little finally wised up and hit Andre Ethier fifth in the lineup, and what did Ethier do? Nothing. Just like everyone else.

Prior to Wednesday's games, the Dodgers shared third place with the Colorado Rockies. Sensing an opportunity to claim third place for themselves, the Rockies went out and got twenty-three hits against the Brewers. Against the Reds, the Dodgers had four. Four hits, good enough for fourth place. Four seems to be the operative number here. The Dodgers didn't have a baserunner until the fourth inning, they stranded four runners, and I threw up four times during the game.

The Reds made a few fine defensive plays, but you can't blame the loss on bad luck. You can blame it on the Dodgers not producing enough offense to nullify the luck factor. If you get twelve hits, luck probably doesn't play a huge part in the outcome. If you get four hits in a one-run ballgame, yeah, a little luck may play into it. I don't know. Who fucking cares.

It's been 41 years since the Dodgers were last shut out in three consecutive games. Do you know how many shitty guys have played for the Dodgers over that period? Twenty years ago, the Dodger roster included the likes of Mike Ramsey, Len Matusek, Gilberto Reyes, Tito Landrum, Ralph Bryant, Jeff Hamilton, Craig Shipley, Danny Heep, Glenn Hoffman, Franklin Stubbs, Tracy Woodson, Ken Landreaux, Alex Trevino, and Reggie Williams. That team sure sucked, but did they ever get blanked three games in a row? Nope. Hundreds of shitty players have worn the Dodger uniform over the last 41 years, but it's now official: the 2007 crop of shitty guys is the absolute shittiest.

Oh, and by the way, Russell Martin has started nine straight games.

August 7, 2007 - Reds 4, Dodgers 0
It could be worse—you could be this guy

Now that Barry Bonds has hit his 756th home run, a big question emerges: Will commissioner Bud Selig follow the Dodgers around until they actually score a run? For the third time in four nauseating games, the Dodgers were shut out on Tuesday. The Reds are sixteen games below .500, but that didn't stop them from scoring three in the first inning off of Mark Hendrickson—whose best appearance to date has come in a lunch box commercial—and blanking the Dodgers 4-0 at the Great American launching pad.

It was the Dodgers fifth loss in a row, and something like their 30th in the last 31 games. With runners in scoring position, they're something like 1 for their last 40. They've been behind in pretty much every game since the All-Star break, half their team is on the DL or close to it, and Olmedo Saenz is finally matching his appearance with his performance.

As the Dodgers sink in the standings, I ask you just one thing: Are you really surprised? They signed over-priced pitchers with a history of injuries, they entrusted centerfield and the top of the lineup to a guy whose only redeeming quality is the ability to beat a train in a foot race, and a third of their lineup is already earning social security. There's nothing surprising about the Dodgers' struggles. It's definitely miserable to watch, but it's not surprising. You want surprise? Nomar Garciaparra taking a pitch would be a surprise. Juan Pierre hitting the ball on the ground when he actually needs to hit the ball on the ground would be a surprise. Grady Little showing a pulse would be a surprise.

The Dodgers have a $108 million dollar payroll and they're a game away from being in fourth place. Wilson Betemit's fault? Guess not.

August 5, 2007 - Diamondbacks 3, Dodgers 0
Already at rock bottom, Dodgers go even lower

Lucky for Frank McCourt that he closed escrow last week on a $33.5 million dollar beach house. Since the Dodgers won't be playing in October, he'll have plenty of time to lie on the sand sipping his strawberry daiquiri.

A game out of first place on Friday afternoon, the Dodgers now find themselves four games back. Really, it was just a matter of time. They've been playing mediocre baseball all season, but no one else in the West had stepped it up. Now that the Diamondbacks have, and the Dodgers are tanking harder than ever before, it's panic time in Los Angeles.

The Dodgers failed to score on Sunday for the second time in three games and pretty much looked like they were ready to pack it in from the start. Brad Penny was late covering first in the second inning, which led to two runs, and the Dodgers couldn't advance Andre Ethier in the third inning after he led off with a double. When you're not scoring runs, those mistakes are huge, and the Dodgers paid for them on Sunday.

Speaking of paying, the Dodgers are paying Rafael Furcal and Juan Pierre a combined $21 million this season to set the table for the big guys (whoever those might be). What are the Dodgers getting for the $21 million? On-base percentages of .351 and .317, respectively. Both went 0-for-4 in Sunday's game. Combined, Furcal and Pierre have scored a total of 126 runs so far this season. That's just six more than the combined total of the Dodgers' catcher and 39-year-old second baseman.

Meanwhile, Andre Ethier is hitting .300 with a .368 OBP, and where's he batting in the lineup? Eighth. Behind even the .174 hitting Ramon Martinez. I'm sure that Grady Little has some grand plan that no one understands, but until he decides to share that plan with the rest of us, how about swapping Pierre and Ethier? I realize that the Dodgers aren't paying a guy $8 million to bat eighth, but I'm not sexactly sure what they are paying him $8 million to do. Four-hop a ball to second base?

August 4, 2007 - Diamondbacks 8, Dodgers 7
Next stop: Fourth place

Now that Barry Bonds has left town and the 'Barry Sucks' chants have faded, we can get back to focusing on what really sucks: the Dodgers. With their loss to the Diamondbacks on Saturday, the Dodgers have now lost three in a row and eight of their last ten. After being shut out by Doug Davis on Friday (Doug Davis??), the only run the Dodgers could produce for the first five innings Saturday came on a bases loaded walk. The Diamondbacks, meanwhile, jumped out to an early lead, taking advantage of a shaky Derek Lowe, a shaky D.J. Houlton (what's new), and an even shakier Dodger defense.

With the Diamondbacks up by six runs in the sixth, things were looking pretty goddamn bleak. If the Dodgers weren't going to bring me any joy, I knew I needed to find it myself. So I popped a beachball with a pen and walked upstairs to get a malt... which made me wonder: Do the Dodgers sell more food when the team is playing like shit? When I returned to my seat, I got a dirty look from the lady in front of me (whose poor kids now had nothing to do but watch the game), and then a three-run homer from Nomar Garciaparra. Andre Ethier's eighth-inning home run got the Dodgers to within one, but that was as close as they'd get—just close enough to make it interesting, and just close enough to put me in a lousy mood. The Dodgers tried to put me in a better mood by showing me shots of Kirk Gibson in Arizona's dugout, but all it did was remind me that I've had no happiness for the last nineteen years... and that the Dodgers' bench coach is Dave Jauss.

The Dodgers are now three games behind the Diamondbacks and just a game away from dropping into a fourth place tie with the Rockies. The friggin' Rockies. No fear, though—we've got Scott Proctor.

August 2, 2007 - Giants 4, Dodgers 2
Opportunity knocks, Dodgers don't answer

When you've got Mark Hendrickson and Brett Tomko pitching on consecutive days, it's a safe bet that you're not coming away with a pair of wins. Indeed, the Dodgers lost to the Giants on Thursday, 4-2. Within minutes of the first pitch, Tomko was already behind by three runs, and the crowd would have none of it. When the Asshole of the Century is one home run away from tying the all-time home run record in your stadium and you're getting booed louder than him, it definitely says something. I think it says that even though you're a good painter, you're not going to have your own bobblehead night any time soon.

Tomko's awful first inning was only part of the sad story on Thursday, though. The Dodgers got 11 hits, drew six walks, and scored two times. Two times. Rafael Furcal, Russell Martin, Nomar Garciaparra, Matt Kemp, and Andre Ethier all had multi-hit nights, but Juan Pierre, Luis Gonzalez, James Loney, and Ramon Martinez stranded a combined twenty-one runners. As a team, the Dodgers left thirteen on base. As a team, that's not going to cut it down the stretch. The front office showed some faith in the current roster by leaving it alone at the trading deadline, so it would be nice to see that decision pay some dividends. Leaving thirteen guys on base against a shitty team like San Francisco is not the way to do that.

As one guy approaches the 755 career home run mark, let's not forget about the guy approaching the single season mark of six. That guy is Nomar Garciaparra, and after his fifth home run of the year on Wednesday night, six doesn't seem so out of reach anymore. His fifth was a big one—a two-run shot in the eighth inning to break a 4-4 tie with the Giants. Moments earlier, another Dodger veteran, Luis Gonzalez, had tied the game with a two-run single. It was definitely a night for the old dudes, as the young ones went 0-for-10. Maybe Colletti should have dumped them yesterday after all.

On the mound, Mark Hendrickson not only shut down Barry Bonds, but limited the Giants to three runs in 6-2/3 innings. You may say that there's nothing particularly special about allowing three runs in six innings, and while you're right, there's certainly an exception to that if you're Mark Hendrickson. Seeing Hendrickson limit the opposition to three runs is like seeing a no-hitter from, well, almost anyone else.

Considering that the Giants are one of the worst teams in baseball, Wednesday's win is nothing to do back flips about, but it does keep the Dodgers within a game of first-place Arizona. If you're looking for a reason to do back-flips, how about this: Brett Tomko pitches Thursday and you have bleacher tickets.