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> AUGUST 2008 August 30, 2008 - Dodgers 6, Diamondbacks 2
Saturday’s win catapulted the Dodgers to within three and a half games of the Diamondbacks—the same place they were about two months ago. Along with the leap in the standings, of course, there’s a lot of other movement in the organization this weekend: Jeff Kent is on his way to L.A. to get an MRI on his bad knee. Hopefully the doctor visit will go something like this: “Well Jeff, the test results are back and they’re conclusive. You’re an asshole.” Andruw Jones is on his way back to L.A. to get his knee examined. I’m sure he and Kent will exchange pleasantries in the waiting room—right before Jones is told by the doctor that his swollen knee is fine, it’s his bloated contract that’s the problem. Chin Lung Hu, who proved earlier this season that he’s not ready to be a major leaguer, will be among those called up on Monday when rosters expand. Excellent, another guy whose at-bats I’ll happily miss. It’s getting to the point where I really only need to watch about three minutes of each game. Chan Ho Park, ungrateful that the Dodgers were willing to take a chance on him after he played in all of one major league game last year, has said he’ll go elsewhere next year if it means being a starting pitcher. Oh no, my heart is broken. Chan Ho, won’t you please stay and throw 0-2 pitches down the middle? August 28, 2008 - Nationals 11, Dodgers 2
On Thursday, the Dodgers lost their seven straight, and their ninth in a row on the road. It's the most consecutive road losses they've had since 1992. Worse, they were swept by the worst team in baseball—and absolutely embarrassed by them on Thursday. The Dodgers scored two runs in the first, and then the Nationals scored eleven unanswered runs while the Dodgers stood there with their thumbs up their asses. A guy with a 6.00 ERA struck out four Dodgers in two innings, a guy with six home runs hit two, and Christian Guzman topped it off by hitting for the cycle—a feat the Dodgers haven't accomplished in 38 years. The Dodgers reacted to the loss by sending Clayton Kershaw to the minor leagues, but they really could have sent 24 guys with him. The kicker, though, is that the Dodgers are now on their way to Arizona with the ability to get within a half game of first place by Sunday afternoon. That's just wrong. August 26, 2008 - Nationals 2, Dodgers 1
Explanation #1: They’re cursed and they’ll never have a successful season again. While some part of me believes that the baseball Gods are punishing the Dodgers for the joy of 1988 or for trading Stan Javier, this is a ridiculous explanation. Next. Explanation #2: The Dodgers have been distracted by the Democratic National Convention. While it would be nice to think that some of the Dodger players are politically aware, I’m pretty sure the only thing they know about Joe Biden is that his name almost sounds like Joe Beimel. Next. Explanation #3: Manny ain’t nothing without the dreads. We all know that since the haircut, Manny Ramirez hasn’t looked very Manny at the plate. But more than his slump being about the hair, it’s probably about the fact that he’s daydreaming about playing for the Yankees. Even so, you can’t blame a team’s collapse on one guy. Next. Explanation #4: The Dodgers suck and Ned Colletti is a moron. Hmmm… I like the sound of this one. Ned spent millions of dollars on guys that just aren’t that good (or that healthy… or, in the case of Esteban Loaiza, even on the team), and even a monster slugger from Boston, a bearded rental from Cleveland, and a 66-year-old future Hall-of-Fame pitcher from San Diego can’t save them. Add to that the fact that Joe Torre is a poor game manager, Takashi Saito is sorely missed, and Mark Sweeney is the shittiest employee in America still with a job, and I think we have the answer. Bingo. The Dodgers’ funk, of course, continued on Tuesday, as they fell to the powerful Washington Nationals, 2-1. They left another 10 guys on base and failed to capitalize on a few golden opportunities to score. Derek Lowe, meanwhile, pitched a complete game and gave up just two runs. That’s comforting. August 22, 2008 - Phillies 8, Dodgers 1
Greg Maddux was great for the first three innings, prompting Charley Steiner to wet himself and predict a no-hitter. Moments later, Maddux self-destructed—a common occurrence for him this season when he’s been away from Southern California. Among the nine hits he yielded were home runs by Ryan Howard and Chris Coste, and frankly, it looked like Vin Scully might have been able to hit one out against Maddux. Not Maddux’s fault, however, was the Dodgers’ feeble offense. Aside from Andre Ethier’s first-inning home run, the Dodgers did nothing, managing just five hits—including one from Mark Sweeney. The top four in the Dodgers lineup had a whopping total of one hit (Ethier’s home run). The Dodgers are now a very unspectacular 11-9 since Manny Ramirez joined the team, and 2-3 since Tanyon Sturtze was recalled. That’s ok, though, it’s only late August. August 19, 2008 - Rockies 8, Dodgers 3
Meanwhile, as the Dodgers fell out of a first-place tie with Arizona, they welcomed their newest old teammate (or oldest new teammate?), Greg Maddux. The acquisition of Maddux—in exchange for two future-stars to be named later—definitely doesn’t bring the same excitement it did in 2006, but it certainly makes the pitching staff better for the next six weeks (especially if they play in any senior softball tournaments). Maybe Maddux can teach Chan Ho Park how to waste a pitch with an 0-2 count. One word of warning: The Dodgers will be paying half of Maddux’s remaining salary, so don't be surprised if Frank McCourt adds a hot dog tax and starts charging you for catching foul balls. August 17, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Brewers 5
Sunday, it was Chan Ho Park’s turn to blow one. The Dodgers entered the top of the ninth with a 5-1 lead, ready to slip back into a first-place tie with the Diamondbacks. Not so fast, says Joe Torre. With one out and Jason Kendall on first, Torre pulled Jason Johnson (who had pitched a strong 2-1/3 innings) and brought in Park. First up was Little Rat Boy (a.k.a. Craig Counsell), who hit a grounder to first that turned Loney into a bumbling idiot. Loney first booted it, then picked the ball up and hurled it past Park, who was covering the bag. Ray Durham then singled in two to make it a 5-3 game, and after a J.J. Hardy groundout, up stepped Ryan Braun. Strike one. Strike two. Hanging curve right down the middle. Tie game. Vomit on my TV screen. Enter Andre Ethier, who had already homered earlier in the game. After Matt Kemp singled to start the bottom of the ninth, Ethier took a 1-2 pitch from Carlos Villanueva and deposited it over the right field wall. I didn’t catch Park or Loney among the jubilant Dodgers swarming Ethier at home plate, but maybe that’s because they were already back in the clubhouse preparing dinner and an erotic massage for their new hero. So, pretty safe to say that Juan Pierre will be in the starting lineup on Tuesday? August 14, 2008 - Dodgers 3, Phillies 1
The Dodgers didn’t do a ton against Philadelphia starter Brett Meyers on Wednesday, but the three runs they squeezed out were more than enough for Hiroki Kuroda. Continuing to rebound from his prolonged suckyness earlier this year, Kuroda went seven innings, striking out seven and walking no one. Hong-Chih Kuo pitched the final two innings and blew away the Phillies, who looked lethargic following the five-run lead they blew on Wednesday. Meanwhile, the Dodgers lost two pitchers before the game, as Brad Penny and Cory Wade were placed on the disabled list. Wade figures to be ready to return when he’s eligible in two weeks, but you can probably count Penny out for the season. He was out for seven weeks the last time his shoulder tendinitis and bursitis flared up, and clearly he wasn’t 100% when he returned. You’ve got to figure he’ll be out at least as long this time, which puts us into October—just in time for him to watch the playoffs on TV with the rest of his teammates. The distressing news about Penny and Wade, however, was tempered by the exciting announcement that Eric Stults and Tanyon Sturtze were called up to replace them. Stults, of course, spent time with the Dodgers earlier in the year, and Sturtze… well… his first name rhymes with Canyon. And he was a 2004 invitee to Vero Beach. Important stuff. August 12, 2008 - Dodgers 4, Phillies 3
While Ethier started Tuesday’s game on the bench, he made his presence known in the bottom of the ninth with a game-winning base hit off of Phillies reliever J.C. Romero. The single—coming after a tough at-bat—scored Russell Martin and put the Dodgers a game above .500. Hong-Chih Kuo got the win, but Clayton Kershaw had another quality start, pitching six innings and giving up three runs (two on a first-inning home run by Chase Utley). Off the field, the Dodgers made a roster move on Tuesday—one that’s almost comical. They placed Andruw Jones on the disabled list (disabled in the sense that he can’t hit a baseball to save his life) and activated Nomar Garciaparra (activated in the sense that he’s now free to re-injure himself in a way of his choosing). Jones will take a few days off to rest his right knee (no, wait, left knee?) and will then begin a “rehab” assignment in Vegas with hitting instructor Jeff Pentland. The Dodgers can call it whatever they want, but what they’re doing is demoting their $18 million centerfielder to the minors. Ned Colletti should be right there with him. August 10, 2008 - Giants 5, Dodgers 4
Sunday, the Dodgers suffered a defensive meltdown in the bottom of the ninth that would have made the Bad News Bears proud. The Giants did everything they could to hand the game to the Dodgers—popping up bunts, hitting weak ground balls—but apparently the ball was lubed because the Dodgers treated it like a goddamn bar of soap. With one out and runners on first and second, Jose Castillo grounded a tailor-made double-play ball to Casey Blake, who booted it and couldn’t get anybody out. Emmanuel Burris then grounded to second, but Pablo Ozuna was slow starting the DP, and the Dodgers only managed an out at second while the tying run scored. Then came the fucking kicker. With two outs and the game set to go extra innings, Eugenio Velez hit a little comebacker to Hong-Chih Kuo (a.k.a. I Have a Glove on My Hand but it's Just for Decoration), who pulled a Bill Buckner and watched the ball dribble through his legs. Angel Berroa charged from short, and probably would have had a play at first if he had cleanly come up with the ball. But he didn’t, a run scored, and the game was over. Just for the record, the last three batters for the Giants were Jose Castillo, Emmanuel Burris, and Eugenio Velez. Quite an intimidating threesome. So, instead of being a half-game up on the Diamondbacks, the Dodgers leave San Francisco a game and a half back. If it’s true that Manny Ramirez was talking recently about wanting to join the Yankees after this season, this weekend’s losses may have him thinking about moving up that date. August 7, 2008 - Dodgers 4, Cardinals 1
As for the Dodgers’ new monster, Manny Ramirez hit another home run, his fourth in six games. The two-run shot in the third put the Dodgers up 3-0 against Kyle Lohse who was 13-3 entering the game. Pretty good record for a guy with a screwed up arrangement of letters in his last name. He should hang out with Brett Favre. Of course it wasn’t easy for the Dodgers, though, even entering the ninth inning with a 4-1 lead. Jonathan Broxton hadn’t pitched in almost a week, and it showed. The Cardinals put runners at second and third with one out before Broxton realized he’s bigger than everyone else and struck out Rick Ankiel and Skip Schumaker to end it. August 5, 2008 - Cardinals 6, Dodgers 4
In typical Dodger fashion, though, the 4-run comeback was for naught. The Dodgers left the bases loaded in the top of the 10th, and then Jason Johnson surrendered a 2-run homer to Ryan Ludwick (who has no business having 28 home runs) in the bottom of the 11th to end it. I fully expected it to end an inning earlier when I visualized Cesar Izturis hitting a walk-off homer, but either way the Dodgers drop another game in the standings. Manny Ramirez may be energizing the fans, but I hate to break the news: the Dodgers are 2-2 since the trade. If there was anything positive that came out of Tuesday’s game (other than Chad Billingsley’s five innings of one-run ball), it was the fact that Joe Torre finally opened his droopy fucking eyes and put Andre Ethier in the starting lineup. Ethier responded with two hits and got robbed of a third. If Andre is lucky, maybe that’ll be enough to buy him another start before the end of the month. August 3, 2008 - Dodgers 9, Diamondbacks 3
Ramirez wasn’t the only Dodger hitting on Sunday. After struggling for runs much of the last week, the Dodgers scored nine—on a season-high sixteen hits. Matt Kemp went 3-for-5 with his thirteenth home run of the year and even Pablo Ozuna contributed a hit. Making his fourth start in place of Brad Penny, Jason Johnson wasn’t particularly sharp. He went four plus innings, giving up three runs and five hits before being pulled after walking Orlando Hudson (or O-Dog, if you ask Vinny). Despite pitching well, for the most part, since replacing Penny, Johnson is set to fade back into obscurity later this week when Penny returns. So, the Dodgers end up winning the final two games of the series against Arizona, and everyone is ready to get in line for playoff tickets. Sure, it’s great that they came back to win the final two games of the series, but that’s because they lost the first two games. I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that puts them right back where they were on Thursday: a game out of first place. Only now, there are four fewer games in the season and one less opportunity to be makers of their own fate by going head-to-head against the Diamondbacks. Whoever they go head-to-head with, though, I guess they’ll be okay if one of the heads has nappy dreads. August 1, 2008 - Diamondbacks 2, Dodgers 1
As for Manny, he still has the dreads (for the time being, at least), still has the goatee, and still has the baggy jersey, but there’s something about the Dodger uniform that kind of takes away his edge. Is it just me? He doesn’t look like the same intimidating guy he was in Boston. And I’m not saying that because of one double-play or the ridiculous “99” on the back of his jersey. I’m saying that because the Dodger uniform has lost some of its magic. You take a superstar, put him in a Dodger uniform, and he just becomes another player. Christ, I’m a downer. Speaking of downers, how about Matt Kemp? After doubling in the Dodgers’ first run in the 7th inning to break a scoreless tie, Kemp was caught off third on an infield single by Ramirez. Sure, baserunning mistakes happen, but they happen about three times as often to Matt Kemp. There’s no telling if Kemp’s blunder cost the Dodgers a run, but it would have been an important run considering that Chan Ho Park and Joe Beimel immediately gave up the lead. The crappy bullpen work (and lack of offense, of course) cost Clayton Kershaw his second Major League win. Kershaw—clearly not having gone through puberty yet—went six scoreless innings, walking one and striking out three. Maybe Joe Torre will get a fucking clue on Saturday and start Kemp in center and Andre Ethier in right. I don’t care what arm a pitcher is throwing with, Andruw Jones shouldn’t start another game this season. The Dodgers are now three games back and it’s crunch time. Jones has been given plenty of chances to save Ned Colletti’s job, but they can’t afford to keep putting him out there. You might as well put a goddamn librarian at the plate. |
Idiots. The Dodgers win their first game in nine days and they can’t wait to talk afterwards about the energy that Manny Ramirez brings to the team. Are they fucking kidding? I mean, yeah, Ramirez has been pretty great (four more hits on Saturday including two home runs), but what exactly did the Dodgers do with Manny’s energy the previous eight games? Until you’re five games in first place, guys, just do us all a favor shut the hell up. If you’ve forgotten already, you bastards got swept by the friggin’ Washington Nationals last week. 
If Jimmy can crack corn and I don't care, then Jeff can go 0-for-3 and I don't care. Matt can go 0-for-4 and I don't care. Clayton can get the shit beat out of him, and I don't care. I don't. I don't care at all. It's pretty goddamn sad that it's come to this, but it has. The Dodgers are too bad to care about. I turn on the TV, see that the Dodgers are losing, and just shrug my shoulders. 
As the Dodgers continue to disintegrate before our very eyes, everyone seems to be wondering two things: (1) Why? and (2) How could I have been so stupid as to think they ever had a chance? The answer to the second question is simple: you’re stupid and you masturbate to pictures of Manny Ramirez. The answer to the first question is a little more difficult. Here are are few possible explanations…
Chad Billingsley, Clayton Kershaw, and the rest of the Dodgers staff spent much of the past few days listening intently to the Master talk about mental preparation, game analysis, and pitching mechanics. Then they watched the Master go out and give up seven runs to the struggling Phillies. If the two players to be named later in the deal turn out to have all their limbs, the Dodgers might have given up too much. 
Hiroki Kuroda didn’t have much on Tuesday night against the Rockies. Sadly, the Dodger bullpen had even less. The Rockies (yes, the ones that are twelve games below .500) crushed three home runs—two against the pen to bust the game open—en route to an 8-3 win over the Dodgers. The Dodgers weren’t without opportunities to score, leaving nine guys on base and blowing more than a few scoring opportunities. You’ve definitely got to like the look of a lineup without Juan Pierre, Angel Berroa, and Pablo Ozuna, but on Tuesday their absence obviously brought no luck.
Tuesday, walk-off. Wednesday, walk-off. Sunday, walk-off. The Dodgers are walking off more that an Alzheimer’s patient at a nursing home. Exciting as they are, of course, the walk-offs are telling—mainly telling the league that the Dodger bullpen ain’t been so good. 
The last time the Dodgers swept four games from the Phillies, John F. Kennedy was still alive. Charley Steiner was a 13-year-old kid. John Glenn had just become the first American to orbit the earth. The year was 1962, and now, 46 years later, the Dodgers have done it again. This time, though, it may be a little more impressive. First of all, the Phillies are actually good. Second of all, the Dodgers were coming off of two horrendous collapses against the Giants. And third of all, they did it without Scott Proctor.
On Sunday, Joe Torre finally named Andre Ethier a regular in the starting lineup. “We're looking to win every game," Torre said. "Right now, it's team first and individuals after that." Ethier responded with a single and a triple on Sunday. On Tuesday he was on the bench again. I guess what Torre meant to say is that it’s team first unless there’s a lefty on the mound, in which case Juan Pierre will start in place of Ethier. (You and I both know that Pierre is a lefty, too, but clearly Torre is still learning his team.)
Manny Ramirez definitely makes the Dodgers a better team, but better than what, exactly? Better than the total piece of crap they were before the trading deadline? Fine, so now they’re one step above piece of crap. Their fecal foulness certainly showed this weekend, with the Dodgers blowing a lead in the final inning not just once, but twice. That’s not the sign of a team particularly interesting in first place. In fact, losing two games like that to a team 17 games under .500 is just about the kiss of death. Emotionally, it’s enough of a blow to send the Dodgers on a colossal nosedive that could see them lose the next ten or twelve… maybe thirty.
He’s not exactly looking like he has his shit entirely together quite yet, but Clayton Kershaw is certainly headed the right direction. The rookie made his longest start on Thursday afternoon, going seven innings in a 4-1 victory over the Cardinals. Kershaw had a bit of trouble finding the plate (he walked four and threw 42 balls), but when he did find the plate, he made it count (striking out seven). And frankly, you can’t really blame him for throwing balls to Albert Poo-holes. You try standing sixty feet, six inches from that monster. 
Down by four runs, ninth inning, nobody on base… Could there be a more useless time for Andruw Jones to hit a home run? Or so Dodger fans thought. As it turned out, Jones’ homer was the first blow in a 4-run inning that saw the Dodgers—silent on both sides of two rain delays through the first eight—suddenly tie the Cardinals with an out to spare in the ninth. Hits by Andre Ethier, Russell Martin, James Loney, and the rapidly-aging Jeff Kent, a walk of Manny Ramirez, and a sac fly off the bat of Casey Blake accounted for the final three runs. It was the Cardinals’ 27th blown save of the year, and last time I checked they didn’t even have Todd Worrell or Jeff Shaw.
I have to be honest—I’m sort of at a loss. The Dodgers deal for a superstar, don’t have to pay him, and he actually steps up and plays great baseball in his first weekend in blue. Short of Kal Daniels doubling in his first at-bat as a Dodger, I can’t remember anyone starting off their Dodger career like Manny Ramirez has. I really don’t know what to say. I was prepared for him to go homerless through the middle of September, complain about the traffic in L.A., and get into a dugout shoving match with Larry Bowa. But aside from his 9th inning double play on Friday night, Manny has been… well, Manny. After going 4-for-5 with on Sunday afternoon, Ramirez is now 8-for-13 as a Dodger with five RBIs and two home runs. His two home runs equal Andruw Jones' season total, his eight hits are a quarter of Jones' season total, and his five RBI puts him just eight below Jones’ season total… although that’s not saying much since Jones is only thirteen RBIs above my grandma’s season total.
With one ground ball double-play, Manny Ramirez’s statement was loud and clear: I’m officially a Dodger. The double-play, of course, came in the ninth inning with the Dodgers down by one and the tying run on base—the perfect scenario for complete disappointment. With 55,000 on their feet, visions of a walk-off homer dancing in their nacho cheese-filled heads, Ramirez stood at the plate overmatched by Brandon Lyon. After swinging feebly at two outside pitches, Manny fouled one off and then grounded into a perfect 6-4-3. Meanwhile, Ken Griffey Jr. drove in two runs for Chicago, Jason Bay tripled and scored the winning run in his first game with the Red Sox, and Andy LaRoche… well… he certainly didn’t hit into a double-play with the tying run on base in the ninth.