Contingent
on the passing of a physical, Fred McGriff is a Dodger. The 62-year-old
agreed to a one-year deal with the Dodgers Friday afternoon, meaning
two things: (1) Shawn Green will thankfully stay in right field,
and (2) so much for the long-rumored comeback of Sid Bream. With
their options limited, signing McGriff was probably the best move
the team could make. Since we absolutely refuse to commend Dan Evans
on a goddamn thing, let's just say he could have done worse. Despite
his age, McGriff has put up consistant numbers throughout his career,
and barring a total meltdown (which truthfully isn't out of the
question when you're talking about the Dodgers), he should be an
offensive improvement over Eric Karros. And at least it's only for
a year. In a related story, Alex Cora's wife is still named Nildamarie.
December
20, 2002 Evans
Playing His Own Game
While
other general managers have been on the phones, meeting with agents,
and pulling the trigger on deals that might actually help their
teams, Dan Evans has been playing Scrabble. He's not a terrific
GM, and apparently he's not very good at board games either. Jeff
Kent has signed with the Astros. Cliff Floyd is now a Met. The Giants
picked up Ray Durham and Edgardo Alfonzo. The Phillies beefed up
their roster with Jim Thome and Kevin Millwood. Meanwhile, Dan Evans
has 17 points. And has lost half his roster. Yes, the Dodgers have
some payroll limitations, but jesus, make a move. Incidentally,
is it really possible that the Dodgers are flirting with the $117
million payroll threshold? Unless Karros' razor blades are still
on the payroll, what the hell do they have to show for $117 million?
December
11, 2002 Off
the Bench... and Down the Coast
In
11 seasons with the Dodgers, Dave Hansen was nothing but pure class.
Was he ever arrested for drunk driving? Did he ever get in a fight
with a teammate? Did he ever take his gripes to the media? Did he
ever have a contract dispute? Never. And on top of it, the guy managed
to set the all-time Dodger pinch hit record. Coming off the bench,
day after day, year after year, Hansen accepted his role, and made
major contributions. On Tuesday, Hansen signed a two-year deal with
the Padres. Hansen generated little fanfare during his career with
the Dodgers, but as one of the senior members of the team, and as
a decent guy, Dodger fans owe him some parting respect. Unfortunately,
he'll probably F the Dodgers with a key pinch hit in late September,
a la Chris Gywnn. Asshole.
December
3, 2002 The
Sheriff is Back
Kevin
Malone is still running the Los Angeles Dodgers. With news of Eric
Karros and Mark Grudzielanek going to the Cubs in exchange for Todd
Hundley, Kevin Malone is the only explanation. TODD FUCKING HUNDLEY?
TODD GODDAMN HUNDLEY? TODD HUNDLEY? Why not get Ismael Valdes back
too? And how about Mulholland? If it's about performance, it makes
no sense. (Hundley sucks more than Karros.) If it's about salary,
it makes no sense. (Hundley is making $15 million--and has two years
left on his contract.) Weren't the locks changed at Dodger Stadium
after Malone was fired? Todd Hundley may very well be the worst
hitter in the majors. Last five seasons: .161, .207, .284, .187,
.211. That averages out to about .120. Of greater concern, however,
is that the Dodgers are trading away our prime sources of humor.
You really don't get the same enjoyment out of spelling "Hundley"
as you do "Grudzielanek." And unless Hundley doesn't get
a hair cut for about a year and a half, Karros' fro is a huge loss.
We conclude, for the moment, with a prediction: the Dodgers will
reacquire Grudzielsekekfnk in June for Shawn Green.
December
2, 2002 A
Blue Hanukkah for Green
The
first two nights of Hanukkah were terrific for Shawn Green. He had
gotten a pair of underpants and a dictionary. What more could a
young Jewish boy ask for? The third night of Hanukkah figured to
be even more special. Shawn had asked his mom for a new Dodger cap,
and he could see from the shape of the present, that's what he was
about to get. "Can I open it now, Mom?" Shawn pleaded.
"Only after you light the menorah," Mrs. Green replied.
So Shawn quickly chose the candles, and lit a match. Chanting the
Hanukkah prayer as he reached for the shamus, Shawn could only think
about the brand new Dodger hat waiting in the wings. So clean, so
crisp, so blue. He soon forgot he was holding a candle, and it began
to lean. Suddenly, a drop of wax fell from the 4-inch candle, landing
on his hand. Shawn screamed, and shook his hand in pain. Mrs. Green
lunged over to comfort her poor son. "Shawn, Shawn, oh my boy...
SOMEBODY GET SOME FUCKING ICE!!" A few minutes later, Shawn's
tears began to dry up, but there was no mistaking the 1/8 inch red
spot on his hand. A tragic turn to a special night. Oy vey.
Contingent
on the passing of a physical, Fred McGriff is a Dodger. The 62-year-old
agreed to a one-year deal with the Dodgers Friday afternoon, meaning
two things: (1) Shawn Green will thankfully stay in right field,
and (2) so much for the long-rumored comeback of Sid Bream. With
their options limited, signing McGriff was probably the best move
the team could make. Since we absolutely refuse to commend Dan Evans
on a goddamn thing, let's just say he could have done worse. Despite
his age, McGriff has put up consistant numbers throughout his career,
and barring a total meltdown (which truthfully isn't out of the
question when you're talking about the Dodgers), he should be an
offensive improvement over Eric Karros. And at least it's only for
a year. In a related story, Alex Cora's wife is still named Nildamarie.
While
other general managers have been on the phones, meeting with agents,
and pulling the trigger on deals that might actually help their
teams, Dan Evans has been playing Scrabble. He's not a terrific
GM, and apparently he's not very good at board games either. Jeff
Kent has signed with the Astros. Cliff Floyd is now a Met. The Giants
picked up Ray Durham and Edgardo Alfonzo. The Phillies beefed up
their roster with Jim Thome and Kevin Millwood. Meanwhile, Dan Evans
has 17 points. And has lost half his roster. Yes, the Dodgers have
some payroll limitations, but jesus, make a move. Incidentally,
is it really possible that the Dodgers are flirting with the $117
million payroll threshold? Unless Karros' razor blades are still
on the payroll, what the hell do they have to show for $117 million?
In
11 seasons with the Dodgers, Dave Hansen was nothing but pure class.
Was he ever arrested for drunk driving? Did he ever get in a fight
with a teammate? Did he ever take his gripes to the media? Did he
ever have a contract dispute? Never. And on top of it, the guy managed
to set the all-time Dodger pinch hit record. Coming off the bench,
day after day, year after year, Hansen accepted his role, and made
major contributions. On Tuesday, Hansen signed a two-year deal with
the Padres. Hansen generated little fanfare during his career with
the Dodgers, but as one of the senior members of the team, and as
a decent guy, Dodger fans owe him some parting respect. Unfortunately,
he'll probably F the Dodgers with a key pinch hit in late September,
a la Chris Gywnn. Asshole.
Kevin
Malone is still running the Los Angeles Dodgers. With news of Eric
Karros and Mark Grudzielanek going to the Cubs in exchange for Todd
Hundley, Kevin Malone is the only explanation. TODD FUCKING HUNDLEY?
TODD GODDAMN HUNDLEY? TODD HUNDLEY? Why not get Ismael Valdes back
too? And how about Mulholland? If it's about performance, it makes
no sense. (Hundley sucks more than Karros.) If it's about salary,
it makes no sense. (Hundley is making $15 million--and has two years
left on his contract.) Weren't the locks changed at Dodger Stadium
after Malone was fired? Todd Hundley may very well be the worst
hitter in the majors. Last five seasons: .161, .207, .284, .187,
.211. That averages out to about .120. Of greater concern, however,
is that the Dodgers are trading away our prime sources of humor.
You really don't get the same enjoyment out of spelling "Hundley"
as you do "Grudzielanek." And unless Hundley doesn't get
a hair cut for about a year and a half, Karros' fro is a huge loss.
We conclude, for the moment, with a prediction: the Dodgers will
reacquire Grudzielsekekfnk in June for Shawn Green.
The
first two nights of Hanukkah were terrific for Shawn Green. He had
gotten a pair of underpants and a dictionary. What more could a
young Jewish boy ask for? The third night of Hanukkah figured to
be even more special. Shawn had asked his mom for a new Dodger cap,
and he could see from the shape of the present, that's what he was
about to get. "Can I open it now, Mom?" Shawn pleaded.
"Only after you light the menorah," Mrs. Green replied.
So Shawn quickly chose the candles, and lit a match. Chanting the
Hanukkah prayer as he reached for the shamus, Shawn could only think
about the brand new Dodger hat waiting in the wings. So clean, so
crisp, so blue. He soon forgot he was holding a candle, and it began
to lean. Suddenly, a drop of wax fell from the 4-inch candle, landing
on his hand. Shawn screamed, and shook his hand in pain. Mrs. Green
lunged over to comfort her poor son. "Shawn, Shawn, oh my boy...
SOMEBODY GET SOME FUCKING ICE!!" A few minutes later, Shawn's
tears began to dry up, but there was no mistaking the 1/8 inch red
spot on his hand. A tragic turn to a special night. Oy vey.