> FEBRUARY 2002



February 26 , 2002
LoDuca Given 3-Year Deal

Pretending for a moment like they know something about baseball, the Dodgers rewarded Paul Lo Duca for his breakout 2001 season by signing him to a three-year, $7.25 million contract. LoDuca hit a team-high .320, with 25 home runs and 90 RBIs. More important than his stats, though, is the hustle this guy shows ALL the friggin' time. Not only that, he's a stand-up guy. Before the first game back after the 9/11 attacks, the Dodgers took the field to hold a giant flag along with some L.A. cops, firefighters, and other EMS workers. After the national anthem was through, and as his teammates headed back to the dugout, LoDuca stayed out on the field to shake the hand of every single one of those men and women. True, it's not our place to say positive things about a Dodger, but you can't say anything but positive things about LoDuca. Sure, when he hit .205 this year, we'll get on his ass, but for now, he's quality.

February 24 , 2002
Bournigal Hired By Dodgers

Raphael Bournigal, the whimpy Dodger infielder who once got duped by Matt Williams into falling for the hidden ball trick, has been hired by the Dodgers. However, the Dodgers have yet to determine his duties (though we're guessing it has something to do with empyting the trash in the locker room). Who the hell hires someone without determining their job duties? Especially a useless rodant like Raphael Bournigal? Was he so coveted that they couldn't afford to waste any time in offering him a job? Doubtful considering that he served me fries last week.

February 20 , 2002
Sheffield Wastes No Time in Being Himself

Within hours of arriving at the Atlanta Braves spring training camp, Gary Sheffield was blasting the Dodgers, saying that Jim Tracy hurt the team by favoring Shawn Green. Talking about Tracy swapping his spot in the lineup, Sheffield said, "It's all about how you approach it and what your goals are as a team. I have no problem batting wherever you want me to bat, but it has to be for the right reasons. It has to be to make the team better; it's not about one guy's numbers. Third or fourth—it doesn't matter to me. It's all about the team." Then, of course, Sheffield completely contradicted himself by lauding Bobby Cox: "The first thing Bobby Cox said to me was, 'Where do you want to bat?' He showed me the respect... that's all you want." Wait a second, I thought you wanted what was best for the team? Did you forget saying that about 5 seconds earlier? STUPID FUCK.

February 19, 2002
Goodwin Knows He's a Piece of Crap

While the rest of us have known this for some time, Tom Goodwin finally publicly acknowledged that he's total crap. In reference to trade rumors and his terrible 2001 season, The Los Angeles Times quotes Goodwin as saying "You've got to have some worth first before someone trades for you. We [Goodwin & Grissom] didn't have good years in 2001, so why would some other team want us?" True, Tom, only the Dodgers would want a piece of shit like you. Goodwin went on to say that he's got to improve his bunting and on-base percentage if he's going to stay with the team. Not true, Tom. As long as Dan Evans is general manager, you're safe.

February 12 , 2002
Dodgers Pick Up Two Worthless Relievers

The Dodgers today signed pitcher Tim Crabtree to a minor league contract and invited him to spring training as a non-roster player, two days after claiming right-handed pitcher Craig House off waivers from the Mets. Crabtree, 32, is 21-22 with a 4.20 ERA in seven seasons. Last season he was an impressive 0-5 with a 6.56 ERA in 21 games, and missed half the year due to rotator cuff surgery. Can't let let a guy like that slip by. House, 24, pitched the entire 2001 season for the Rockies' Triple-A team. Odds are he'll amount to nothing, but props to Dan Evans for finally picking up someone under the age of 30.

February 8, 2002
Kazu in Blue, and Some English Too

Waiting until the last minute, the Dodgers finally signed Kazuhisa Ishii to a 4-year deal. The 28-year-old lefty was 12-6 with a 3.39 ERA last season for the Yakult Swallows. He's been called the "Japanese Chuck Finley," which, frankly, isn't too exciting. But the thought of Omar Daal being knocked out of the rotation, however, is VERY exciting. Ishii, who wants to be called Kazu (and is apparently unaware of the stupid little music instrument with the same name), will earn $12.6 million over the course of his contract, probably a bargain if the guy can just break even. What's more, he actually made an effort to speak a bit of English at the Dodgers press conference, much more than can be said for that total bore of a human, Hideo Nomo. Got to give him some credit for that. But as soon as he fucks up on the field, he's on the Dodger Blues shit list.