|
> FEBRUARY 2004 February
29, 2004
February
24, 2004
Welcome to Vero Beach. I'm Frank McCourt. I know that means nothing to you Cesar Izturis, so let me explain. I bought the Dodgers over the winter and I'm really excited about the future of the organization. I think we've got a lot of work to do, but we've got a great foundation to build on. Well, a decent foundation. OK, fine, the foundation is cracked and falling apart. That's why I'm going to knock down the fucking stadium. Oops, I didn't mean for that to slip out. It's a good thing none of you are listening. Hey, Bubba, wipe that depressed look off your face. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that the door to my office will always be open. I'll never actually be in my office, of course, but feel free to come in and drop your comments in the suggestion box. I also call it the trash can. But I digress. Adrian, 'digress' means to stray from my main point. And my main point is that Paul DePodesta does not wear pink. I'd also like to say that we're pleased to have Jose Canseco joining us for open tryouts in March. While Major League Baseball frowns upon steroid use, I believe it's time for desperate measures. In fact, I've been giving my wife steroids for years. But that's neither here nor there. What I'm trying to say is that I think very highly of all of you, with the possible exception of anyone who Dan Evans picked up in the past two years. Hey Weaver, stop looking at Norihiro Nakamura's hair. What, you've never seen a Japanese guy with hair blonder than yours? Well, guys, I just want to conclude by saying we've got a great team, I'm thrilled to be here, and GO RED SOX! February
21, 2004
February
18, 2004
February
17, 2004
In other news, apparently Dan Evans has a sense of humor. Unfortunately for him, he waited until now to show it. In his farewell posting on [cough] Dodgers.com, Evans ended with this: "Lastly, I never realized that one pink shirt would cause so much discussion!" February
16, 2004
February
13, 2004
February
10, 2004
February
6, 2004
February
3 , 2004
February
1 , 2004
|
A
week into spring training, there's big news coming out of Vero Beach.
OK, fine, there's news coming out of Vero Beach. Actually,
if no one cares, can it really be called news? Here's what we're
talking about: Shawn Green is having some problems playing first
(who'd have thunk it?), Bubba Trammell admits he was depressed last
year (who can blame him, being that he was the worst guy on the
Yankees), Cesar Izturis might be moved to the second spot in the
lineup (which, we all know, will be an experiment that won't last
past April), Jose Lima talks a lot (which doesn't say much considering
most of the guys on the team are mute), and Joe Thurston feels for
Edwin Jackson (knowing that both of them will be out of baseball
by 2006). That's some exciting shit. Dodger fans are pumped. Dodger
fans can't wait to buy Jeremy Giambi jerseys. Dodger fans can't
wait to hear Wilkin Ruan's favorite song blasting from the stadium
speakers. Dodger fans can't wait to see the difference Tim Wallach
is going to make in Adrian Beltre's swing. Dodger fans can't wait
til the season... because the sooner the season starts, the sooner
the season will be over. Go ahead, close your eyes. And set your
alarm clock for October 3rd.
Officially introducing himself to Dodger players for the first time,
Frank McCourt spoke to the team on Tuesday in Vero Beach. Luckily
we planted a microphone in Tim Wallach's pants, and it's our pleasure
to share with you the text of McCourt's speech:
The only part of Darren Dreifort that's gone unscathed over the
last couple years is his wallet. He's hurt his hip, his leg, his
elbow, his shoulder, his eyelid, his wisdom tooth, and, according
to sources, his left nipple. Dreifort missed half of 2001 and all
of 2002 after undergoing his second Tommy John surgery. He then
hurt his knee during rehab. He then appeared in 10 games in 2003
before going down again. After signing that fateful $55 million
deal in December 2000 (more than three years ago), Dreifort has
pitched in a total of 26 games. But that's in the past. Well, $30
million of it is in the past, at least. Now the question is, what's
he got left? Probably a couple ligaments, a few bones, probably
some veins... maybe a heart. Will he be healthy when the season
starts? Ha. Will he be healthy ever again? Ha. But the Dodgers owe
him a lot of money, and you can bet your Brian Jordan bobblehead
that Dreifort will have a spot on the team. He doesn't figure to
be in the rotation—partially because the rotation is full,
and partially because his body evidently can't handle it—and
the Dodgers have always feared using him in relief... well, not
always. His first two years in the majors were spent in the bullpen,
and with the frequency of his appearances, the Dodgers can probably
blame themselves for his arm trouble. But we digress, as that's
in the past. Well, $30 million of it is in the past, at least. So
what's our point? Who the fuck knows. Just get used to Darren Dreifort
being the highest paid mop-up man in baseball history. Either that,
or he'll be serving you $9 beers.
Pitchers and catchers reported to Vero Beach on Wednesday, but not
Todd Hundley. It's amazing that anyone even noticed he was missing.
The Dodgers disclosed that Hundley underwent a secret back operation
in November, and then re-injured himself recently during rehab.
(What's new?) Rumor has it that during the November surgery, Hundley
stashed his $6.5 million salary inside his back, hoping that the
Dodgers wouldn't find it. "Todd's discomfort is in a different
area than his previous injuries," said physical therapist Pat
Screnar. "Most likely his current discomfort is being caused
by the pressure of hundred dollar bills pressing against his spine."
Saying Todd Hundley is useless is like saying Daryle Ward liked
to snack—which is to say it's an understatement. Hundley has
had three back injuries in the past year, and missed more than four
months last season. The big question now is whether he'll even report
to Spring Training at all. Actually, a bigger question would be
why we care. And we don't. We don't care. Especially when we have
more important things to be worried about, like Troy Brohawn's health.
As expected, Tim Wallach was hired by the Dodgers on Tuesday. His
role, however, is unclear. Sure, officially he's the hitting coach,
but unofficially, it's a good bet that he's being used to scare
Adrian Beltre. After all, Beltre turned it up a notch (granted,
a small notch) after the Dodgers picked up Tyler Houston in 2002
and Robin Ventura in 2003. When Beltre feels his job is in jeopardy,
he seems to play better. So why wait until July? Tim Wallach hasn't
played in eight years, but Beltre doesn't have to know that (and
let's face it, he's no Paul De Podesta). If Adrian sees a guy in
uniform taking grounders at third, he'll know it's time to get his
shit together. As for Wallach helping the Dodger hitters, let's
be real: it ain't gonna happen. He might be a nice guy to have sitting
on the bench, but like we said a couple days ago, there's no hitting
coach in the universe who can teach Jason Romano how to hit. With
the Dodgers' roster as it is, either Tim Wallach has some major
balls or he's hard up for cash. We're going with the latter. Hopefully
the poor guy realizes that, after the Dodgers hit .204 through early
September, he'll be blamed, cursed, and canned. (Unless of course
Beltre is struggling, in which case he'll play third.)
Could it be that the Dodgers, for once, made the right move? Without
a doubt. On Monday, Frank McCourt announced that he's hired Oakland
A's assistant GM Paul DePodesta to replace Dan Evans. Beautiful
words to hear. While it's clear that Dan Evans was screwed from
the start by Kevin Malone, and had his hands tied during the recent
ownership transition, he accomplished nothing with the major league
club. Enter De Podesta. The guy knows baseball, knows value, and
knows that wearing pink just isn't right. Although it's painful
to say, we've... well, we've got to give... um, give credit to Frank
McCourt. There, we said it. Christ that was hard. He could have
easily gone after a guy like Pat Gillick, who has a proven track
record and about 90 years of experience, but an old man is not what
the Dodgers need. Thankfully, McCourt recognized that. De Podesta's
hiring obviously indicates that McCourt plans on slashing payroll
and wants a guy who can work under budget constraints, but that's
fine. We'll take De Podesta and $70 million over Evans and $115
million any day. After all, where the fuck did $115 million get
the Dodgers? (Although to be fair, half of that is still being paid
to Carlos Perez.) Now the attention is on De Podesta, who inherits
a team with the combined talent of a soap opera actor. If De Podesta
can right this sinking ship, the man deserves his own bobblehead.
Paul Ball begins now.
Two weeks after his purchase of the Dodgers was approved by major
league baseball, Frank McCourt officially closed the sale on Friday.
The fact that this happened on Friday the 13th... well, it doesn't
bode well for the Dodger future. Neither does what McCourt had to
say in a statement to the media: "My family and I are extremely
excited to have learned that the closing is official and to have
this process behind us so that we may now move forward with our
plans." MOVE FORWARD WITH OUR PLANS? All that was missing was
an evil laugh at the end. WE'RE MOVING FORWARD WITH OUR PLANS TO
TAKE OVER THE STADIUM, AND THEN THE WORLD... HA HA HA HA HA. Almost
as scary as an Alex Cora at-bat. We'll see if his plans might include
hiring a hitting coach, something the Dodgers have been without
since Jim Hendrick announced shortly after the season that he didn't
want to come back. He's no idiot... it's like an airline pilot wanting
to fly a plane without wings. It's a death wish. Which probably
explains why the position is still vacant, just days before Spring
Training begins. A couple weeks back, Tim Wallach was rumored to
be at the top of the Dodgers' list, but that list must have been
thrown away (along with any lingering hope for 2004). If McCourt
was smart, and truly wanted to save money, he'd just quietly forget
about the hitting coach position. Would anyone know the difference?
Would it truly matter? Let's face it, there's no hitting coach in
the universe who could teach Jason Romano to hit. 
Although Dan Evans is officially still the Dodgers' general manager,
it appears he may be pulling the strings for other teams. On Monday,
the Twins signed former Dodger Jose Offerman to a minor-league contract.
On Tuesday, former Dodger duds Terry Mulholland and Fred McGriff
were both signed to minor league contracts, by the Mariners and
Devil Rays, respectively. Speaking of respect, we have none for
those three guys. Offerman's 417 errors as a Dodger do not earn
him respect from us. Mulholland's 21.87 ERA as a Dodger does not
earn him respect from us. McGriff's 493 career home runs do not
earn respect from us. Well, ok, that does earn him some respect....
but last season in LA was a complete waste, and for that, he's still
on our shit-list. At least Dodger fans can be thankful that there
are three pieces of garbage who won't be playing in LA this season.
But that really goes without saying, since the garbage cans at Dodger
Stadium are already full. In other news, there's this Sporting News
quote from a Dodger official regarding the teams chances of signing
Vladimir Guerrero had the ownership situation not been in limbo:
"There's no doubt we had the guy—none." Terrific.
Thus begins the Vlad Curse. With Mike Piazza's career winding down,
and the Piazza Curse soon to lift, the Vlad Curse will pick right
up from there, assuring Dodger fans of continued misery for years
to come. 
We ought to get one thing straight right from the start: regardless
of who wears the GM pants for them this season, the Dodgers are
not going to win. Period. That said, they've got to get the best
guy they can—and do it soon. Obviously the moves they make
now impact the moves they can make later, so there's no reason to
keep Dan Evans simply because the season is about to start. Thankfully,
it doesn't appear like that's the plan. As Evans sits in his office
playing with Barbies and a brand new Fisher Price oven, Frank McCourt
is planning to begin his search by interviewing Oakland A's assistant
GM Paul DePodesta. Hopefully that's where McCourt's search ends
as well. DePodesta, 31, may not have the intensity of Billy Beane,
but he's got the brains—and desire. After guys like Fred Claire,
Kevin Malone, and Dan Evans, the Dodgers need a change. They don't
need Pat Gillick. They need "Paul Ball." (No, that's not
Lo Duca's testicle—that's Paul's Ball.) It's clear that
McCourt isn't going to be dumping $110 million into payroll like
Fox did. Hell, if he has his way (and being the owner, you can bet
he will), the Dodgers payroll will probably drop down to the $70
million range in the next year or two. Winning with $70 million
isn't going to be fun, but it's possible—if you've got a guy
like DePodesta. A Harvard graduate, DePodesta has helped keep the
A's in contention the last few seasons despite a limited payroll.
If you haven't read 
If this was 1996, maybe there'd be reason for excitement. But it's
2004. And Greg Maddux is 38. If reports are accurate, the Dodgers
have expressed interest in signing the free-agent pitcher. This
would violate their policy of getting the crappy brother, but maybe
they feel it's ok since the crappy brother has already been on the
Dodgers—and the better brother is over the hill. Nevertheless,
it might not be a bad move. If the Dodgers can sign Maddux for a
reasonable price (which is unlikely considering that his agent is
Scott Boras), they'd be in a position to deal another starter for
a bat. Actually, for Darren Dreifort, they might literally be able
to get a bat. Maybe even an autographed one. As for Maddux's value,
he's old and definitely not the pitcher he once was, but is there
anyone who'd prefer to see Jose Lima in the rotation? Maddux alone
won't make the Dodgers a contender (not even God is that powerful),
but at the very least maybe he can convince Ishii to throw a couple
strikes. What's funny about this is the way the Dodgers have apparently
gotten involved in the bidding. According to reports, Jim Colborn
and Jim Tracy contacted Mike Maddux to gauge his brother's
interest in joining the Dodgers. That's just pathetic. It's like
not having the balls to ask a cute girl out, and instead finding
out from her best friend if she's interested. (Actually, that's
the best way to do it. Gotta save your dignity.) In the case of
the Dodgers, though, what the hell is that? Hey, let's see if Mike
can tell us something so we won't embarrass ourselves. Hey, while
we're at it, let's call Juan Encarnacion's sister-in-law to find
out what uniform number he wants. What a joke.
As
expected, Frank McCourt is looking for a new general manager—and
rightly so. But knowing that the chances of finding a new GM in
the next two weeks are slim, McCourt is covering his ass by naming
Dan Evans as one of the candidates. If they can't find anyone else,
Evans lucks out and stays on as GM—albeit one who's not particularly
wanted. Let's make one thing clear: If McCourt truly had confidence
in Evans, there'd be no search for a new GM. Period. But if McCourt
truly had any balls, he'd have fired Evans. The way it's going down,
McCourt's search looks more like a pathetic attempt to placate angry
fans than it does an honest GM search. By acknowledging Evans' ineptitude,
McCourt is basically kissing the asses of Dodger fans, hoping to
win back the hearts of a few of the millions of people who are ready
to hang him from the upper deck. It's a smooth PR move, actually.
If McCourt comes in and suddenly cleans house, he comes across as
a maniacal dictator who's willing to do anything—including
level the stadium. But by keeping the pink slip in his pocket, McCourt
keeps his options open without increasing the risk of pissing people
off or ending up totally GM-less. McCourt has found a nice little
piece of middle ground, and he's parked his ass in a lawnchair.
As for Danielle Evans, well... the poor man's testicles must have
shriveled up completely by now. He's been raped by other GMs for
the past couple years, he had no power to make changes this offseason,
and now he's happily competing for his own job. Pink shirts for
everyone!