|
> FEBRUARY 2005 February
27, 2005
February
23, 2005
The bad apple: First, Jim Tracy said that he knew who his opening day center fielder would be. Moments later, he said all three starting outfielders (Bradley, Drew, and Jayson Werth) would get time in center during spring training. He then immediately contradicted himself by saying Jayson Werth would be in left. Hey Jim, what would you like for lunch? "I'll have a turkey sandwich on white bread." OK Jim, here's your turkey sandwich. "I said I wanted a teriyaki bowl." Jesus Christ, this man is either retarded, stupid, or just likes screwing with the media. (We're going with the first two... After all, he was delivering newspapers at age 30.) Sour grapes: Milton Bradley, well, you gotta love him. He's as bitter as ever, and he's obviously incapable of answering a question without taking it as a personal attack. (When his second grade teacher asked him if he had seen the box of crayons, Milton shot back, "I didn't steal shit, Teach," and overturned his desk.) Asked by the L.A. Times this week about the center field situation, Bradley arrogantly responded, "I'm a centerfielder; I do that better than anybody. But I don't make the decisions. If I did, a lot of things would be different." A simple "I enjoy center field and we'll see what happens the next month and a half" would have sufficed, but Bradley is Bradley. Frankly, he's a great center fielder and that's where he should be, but as a Dodger fan, you've got to admit you're a little curious to see what building he burns down if he's in right field on Opening Day. The lemon: J.D. Drew, who has a long history of feebleness, showed up Tuesday but then left because he was sick. At $55 million, the dude should have been in a hermetically sealed bubble since December. J.D, take a multi-vitamin, drink a cup of green tea, and put on your goddamn uniform. Meanwhile, Drew says that playing right field puts extra stress on his knee. Beautiful. The Dodgers have one guy who's liable to snap if they don't put him in center, and another guy who's leg might snap if they put him in right. Didn't Drew just get done saying he's never been healthier? Now he's saying he's concerned about how his knee might respond if he has to plant quickly to play a ball in the corner. We've got some news for J.D.: if you can't plant your leg, you're not going to make it two weeks. What happens when he gets into a rundown? What happens when he makes a hard turn at second? What happens when Wilson Alvarez misses lunch and decides Drew would make a good meal? The Dodgers just gave Mike Marshall $55 million. (No, not Mike Marshall the pitcher, Mike Marshall the pussy.) And the cherry on top: Non-roster reliever Mike Venafro was sidelined after straining his hamstring during fielding drills. What next—Ricky Ledee gets chicken pox? February
19, 2005
February
17, 2005
February
12, 2005
February
6, 2005
Pee-Pee
Irrigation A
Not-So-Bright Idea Allowances
Are for 5-Year-Olds Front
Office Appreciation Day February
2, 2005
|
It's
that time of year again. We learn about minor leaguers. We hear
about how excited the new guys are to be on the team. We listen
to the general manager talk about how the Dodgers have an excellent
chance of competing. And, oh, we get minute-by-minute updates on
the guy who's trying to rebound from a season-ending injury. In
2002 it was Kevin Brown. In 2003 it was Darren Dreifort. In 2004
it was Paul Shuey. This spring, that guy is Brad Penny. On Sunday,
Penny threw 52 pitches off an indoor mound. After the 17th pitch,
Penny raised his right arm and adjusted his cap. After the 33rd
pitch, Penny coughed. Just before his last pitch, Jim Colborn told
Penny, "This is your last pitch." After his throwing session,
Penny drank 16 ounces of water. Later in the afternoon, he showered,
ate, and pooped. Physical therapist Pat Screenar estimated that
Penny is currently pooping at about 85%. "We'd like to see
him at 90% by next weekend," Screenar said. "Basically
that means a deeper shade of brown and less corn."
Although
the Dodgers have yet to have a full-squad workout this spring (the
first coming on Thursday), it's already feeling a lot like July.
Jim Tracy hasn't wasted any time talking out of his ass, Milton
Bradley hasn't wasted any time talking like an ass, and J.D.
Drew has done nothing but sit on his ass. 
Since
its release last week, Jose Canseco's book Juiced has been
the hot topic of conversation among baseball fans, steroid users,
and Cubans. In the book, Canseco accuses countless players of using
steroids, and even says he personally injected some of them—including
Wilson Alvarez (in the ass) when the two were teammates in Tampa
Bay. Alvarez has called the accusations absurd, telling reporters
that they need look no further than his jiggly belly for proof that
he's never taken steroids. The controversy surround Alvarez is just
beginning, though. On the heals of Juiced, former Dodger
Ron Coomer plans to release his own book: Juice... and Hot Dogs,
Quesadillas, Ice Cream, and Meatballs. Coomer, who retired after
batting .240 for the Dodgers in 2003, obviously feels the time is
right to expose another problem rampant among major leaguers: high
cholesterol. Dodger Blues has managed to get an advance copy of
the book, which doesn't hit bookstores until Coomer can make enough
copies at Kinkos. Coomer writes about dozens of current and former
ballplayers, all of whom he accuses of eating poorly. Names include
former Dodgers Lenny Harris, Angel Pena, Antonio Osuna, Brian Bohanon,
and Dennys Reyes. In the chapter called "I could have been
taking BP but I was taking a dump instead," Coomer writes that
he personally injected Daryle Ward and Wilson Alvarez with cheese
sauce when the three were teammates in 2003. "We were always
looking for more efficient ways to digest cheeseburgers," wrote
Coomer. "Once before a game I tossed a couple Big Macs in a
blender. I poured the stuff in a syringe, and shot up Daryle and
Wilson with the juice. Daryle didn't get hungry again until the
6th inning." Alvarez vehemently denied injecting meat and cheese
into his veins. "That's ridiculous," he said. "Why
would I want to deprive myself of the taste of a Big Mac?"
In the book, Coomer says that there was tremendous competition within
the majors to be bigger than the next guy. "Everybody wanted
to be big," he writes. "I got big naturally—no supplements.
Just lasagna for breakfast. A lot of guys couldn't handle the diarrhea,
but it didn't bother me. I'd get my pants dirty before the game
so it would camouflage the leakage. If guys picked up on the smell,
I'd just blame Nomo because he didn't know what the hell I was talking
about." Good times, Ron.
Hey
hockey fan... yeah, you. You know who you are. You're the only one
crying right now. Wipe those tears away and count the cancellation
of the NHL season as a blessing. The timing couldn't be better.
The season was cancelled Wednesday, the baseball preseason starts
Friday. That gives you a full day to mourn over the loss of ice,
slapshots, and a bunch of Canadian dudes. Come Friday you can trade
in your Gordie Howe jersey for a Steve Howe jersey. (Just make sure
to wipe the coke off the sleves.) Pitchers and catchers don't officially
report until Friday, but many showed up at Vero on Thursday, including
Derek Lowe, Jeff Weaver, Odalis Perez, Kazuhisa Ishii, Yhency Brazoban,
Edwin Jackson, and Jose Lima. Sadly, Lima had to be informed he
was no longer with the team, and dejectedly walked away. The clubhouse
was then sterilized. Lowe, who signed a $36 million contract with
the Dodgers this offseason, showed up only because he was physcially
booted from the Red Sox spring training complex where he had been
working out. Lowe had hope to make it through March without being
noticed, even conjuring up a plan to steal Trot Nixon's uniform
and dump the Boston outfielder in the Atlantic Ocean. Foiled in
his attempt, Lowe will now have to settle for being a Dodger. As
the old saying goes, you can take a player away from Boston, but
you can't take away his Red Sox underpants. (Jim Tracy already tried,
and it wasn't pretty--neither the confrontation or the underpants.)
So, hockey fan, baseball players might not smell as bad as hockey
players... they might not fight like hockey players... and they
might not be able to make it 3 feet in a pair of skates... but ELMER
DESSENS IS IN VERO! We repeat, ELMER DESSENS IS IN VERO! 
Yes,
they're destroying baseball. Who? Oh, everyone really...
the greedy agents who can coax a team into dropping $35 million
for a medicore pitcher... the greedy owners who can pay a medicore
pitcher $35 million by raising parking to $20... the greedy players
who would follow the cash even if it meant playing on Mars (or in
Detroit)... the commissioner who allows a broke real estate developer
to buy a team... the guys using steroids... the MLB Players Association...
the people doing the wave. Undoubtedly there are a lot of things
wrong with baseball. There's no denying that. Baseball has changed
dramatically over the years, and dramatically for the worse. For
Dodger fans, there's the additional pain of watching the self-destruction
of an organization that not long ago served as a model for the rest
of baseball. There's certainly a lot to be bitter about. But if
the bitterness is all you dwell on, you're probably one of the many
fans who's said, "I've had enough... I'm done." (Yes,
we realize that this is coming from a web site that prides itself
on a foundation of bitterness, but underneath that bitterness is
a love of the game.) If you've thrown in the towel, or you're finding
yourself totally apathetic that Spring Training is just a couple
days away, you're not alone. But you owe it to yourself—as
a baseball fan—to recognize the distinction between the economics
of baseball and the game of baseball. The economics of baseball
suck. The game of baseball, however, is alive and well. Between
the lines, things are really ok. There are still 90 feet between
the bases, four balls still make a walk, and a grand slam is still
exciting as hell. You might argue that we're being naive, but if
naiveté is what it takes to keep enjoying baseball, bring
it on. After all, we're talking about a bunch of grown men playing
a kids' game. Sure, it's depressing that Beltre is gone. Sure, it
sucks that the Dodgers let Finley go. Sure, it's nauseating to think
that Frank McCourt may very well eventually replace Dodger Stadium
with condos. It's only healthy to be pissed about those things.
But if baseball is as important to you as it is to us, you've got
to bend over and take it up the ass—while making sure your
Dodger hat doesn't fall off. Let's face it: when the Dodgers are
suddenly a winning team a couple years from now, you'll jump back
on the bandwagon anyway. So forget that Paul Bako will catch half
the Dodgers' games. Forget that J.D. Drew will inevitably break
his leg before the season starts. And forget about the fact that
you can't afford tickets anymore. It's spring. Play ball.
Last
week it was disclosed that the Dodgers have halted seismic improvements
to Dodger Stadium that began in 1999, calling them unnecessary.
Considering they also think having a decent third baseman is unncessary,
it's a bit difficult to trust anything ownership says. Nonetheless,
three million fans will show up... even at the risk of being hit
in the head by chunks of concrete, pieces of steel, or a falling
Charley Steiner. Even scarier, though, are the Dodgers' cost-cutting
plans that have yet to be revealed—until now.
To
no one's surprise, the Dodgers agreed Wednesday on a minor league
contract with third baseman Norihiro Nakamura from the Japanese
league. Nakamura trained briefly with the Dodgers during Spring
Training last year and expressed desire to eventually join the team.
A year later, here he is. Thankfully for Nakamura, his numbers have
fallen off enough the last two seasons to make him affordable to
the Dodgers. After two good seasons in 2001 and 2002, Nakamura tanked
the past couple years and spent a good portion of the 2004 season
injured. Nonetheless, he figures to get shot at third base this
spring. Um, we mean get a shot at third base. What a competition.
Nakamura and Jose Valentin. You can feel the excitement in the air...
No, wait, that's the mist from the fog covering Paul DePodesta's
eyes. Norihiro Nakamura? There's just something about the
guy that doesn't seem right. Oh yeah, it's the Cory Snyer-like blond
mullet cascading down from Nakamura's fat face. (Yes, you are correct,
we've mentioned Cory Snyder in two consecutive articles.) Blond
hair on an Asian guy is just wrong. Wrong, and a little gross. It's
like seeing a 13-year-old girl with breast implants. Or a monkey
with zebra stripes. Or Nancy Bea Hefley in a miniskirt. An Asian
guy shouldn't look like Jeff Weaver. Period.