> FEBRUARY 2006

Being that the Dodgers have four shortstops, the team has decided that they don't need a fifth. Prospect Joel Guzman, officially a shortstop, has been told that he'll be moved around the field during spring training. According to manager Grady Little, the 6'-6" Guzman will spend time at first base, third base, and the outfield. It is also expected that the Dodgers will take advantage of Guzman's height by using him to put up the flag, clean hard-to-reach spots on the scoreboard, and check Jayson Werth's head for lice. Guzman doesn't figure to make the club out of spring training, but considering that Ricky Ledee seems to be the only guy who's healthy, that could very well change. Jeff Kent, J.D. Drew, Rafael Furcal, Cesar Izturis, and Werth are all recuperating from recent surgeries, Nomar Garciaparra's groin is made of gauze, and utility infielder Ramon Martinez was hospitalized over the weekend with what Florida doctors thought was appendicitis (but turned out to be bad Chinese food). Furcal, it appears, isn't as far along as the Dodgers would have hoped, and Kent is a question mark considering that his wrist surgery in January turned out to be more complicated than first expected. All that being the case, not only could Guzman make the team, so could his 14-year-old nephew from Santo Domingo.

February 21, 2006
A new contract for an old friend

The last few years have clearly been tough ones for Dodger fans. With each loss, with each front office firing, with each new advertisment plastered on the outfield wall, a Dodger fan or two decides to check out. Those of us who remain wonder when the frustration will end, when the organization will be restored to its glory. Each season, following the team seems a little more painful. Each season, the Dodgers seem a little less like the Dodgers. And each season, we find ourselves pondering the awful question: How much longer can Vinny take it? How much longer can Mr. Dodger sit around and watch his organization crumble? Let's face it, it's his organization. He might not call the shots, he might not have a say, and sometimes he might not have any idea who the hell is at the plate, but to Dodger fans who've been around for awhile, Vin Scully is more than the sound of the Dodgers. He is the Dodgers. And surprisingly, Frank McCourt realizes that.

On Wednesday, the Dodgers will announce that Vinny's contract has been extended through the 2008 season. Scully, who's been 78 for the last five years, is entering his 57th season as Dodger broadcaster and was entering the last season of his old contract. Now he's set to broadcast into his 80s, at which time he'll be just a couple years younger than Pat Borders. While Scully fumbles and errs a little more often these days, we'd gladly listen to him until his mouth needs to be physically opened and closed by his caretaker (likely Mike Kinkade). Hearing Scully talk about his bowel movements would be far more comforting than listening to Rick Monday try to describe a 6-4-3 double-play. Forget about researching a cure for cancer, forget about figuring out how to reduce our country's dependency on oil, and forget about this whole terrorism thing. Let's get our doctors, scientists, and thinkers working together on the one thing that really matters: keeping Vin Scully's vocal cords working. (Or, if not that, maybe they can find a way to help Jayson Werth make contact.)

February 19, 2006
Let's all be Frank

On Tuesday at 2 p.m., Frank McCourt will log off of the Boston Red Sox web site and log on to Dodgers.com, where he'll chat for an hour with fans. Since we can't imagine a more entertaining way to spend an hour (short of darting in and out of moving traffic on Wilshire Boulevard), you'll definitely want to take part in the chat. If you don't know what to ask your favorite owner, allow us to help:

• Frank, when your wife wears short skirts and you see Olmedo Saenz eyeing her, do you get upset?

• Do you really think it's a good idea to fire so many people in the front office? Don't you realize that the more people you fire, the higher your chances of being attacked on the street by a disgruntled former employee?

• Mr. McCourt, I'm an idiot and don't have much money other than what I've inherited from relatives. Since you seem to be in a similar boat, what advice can you give me so that I, too, can dupe Major League Baseball into giving me a team?

• Frank, I'm going to Boston in a couple months and might need a place to park. Can you help me out?

• Dude, rumor has it that physical therapist Pat Screenar resigned because you ordered him to give J.D. Drew a pap-smear. Any truth to that?

• You're a pretty small person. How come you need a mansion?

• Are you bothered by the fact that Ned Colletti still wears his San Francisco Giants NL championship ring? Or are you not affected by it because you have no idea that the Dodgers and Giants are rivals?

• Frank, is it true that right now you're using Paul DePodesta's old laptop? And if so, does it still have a Hee Seop Choi screen saver?

• So, you say you're taking the stadium back to its original colors as a nod to history and tradition. Without looking in your media guide, name the last three Dodger championship teams. I said DON'T look in your media guide!

Sadly, the online chat will be sanitized like a clubhouse fork after Odalis Perez's dinner. More than likely, these are the questions that'll get through to Frank:

• Mr. McCourt, I've been a Dodger fan all my life, and I've never been so excited for a season to start. What do you think about the competition between Jose Cruz and Jason Repko?

• Frank, first of all I'd like to thank you for putting new seats in the stadium. Bravo! Second of all, I'd like to know how closely you've worked with Ned Colletti during the offseason.

• Hi... this is Trudi from West Covina. What type of new food services will you have at Dodger Stadium this season?

• Frank, I'd like to suggest more silent auctions during the season. I'd really love it if I could bid on a Paul Bako jersey. Also, I'm a big fan of pregame ceremonies. I think it's great to see boy scout troops introduced on the field. Maybe between innings, too? What do you think?

February 15, 2006
To fan's disappointment, Osoria missing

Pitchers and catchers reported to Dodgertown on Wednesday, a welcome sight for those in Vero Beach to watch the workouts. Derek Lowe fans were smiling, Eric Gagne fans were excited, and Mariano Duncan fans were in heaven. Amid the joy, however, was one fan who didn't share in the moment. Jerry Doyle had driven to Vero a night earlier from his home in Kissimmee, Florida. He had driven to Vero for one reason and one reason only: to watch Franquelis Osoria, his favorite player. While Doyle knew that most Dodgers don't have a clue who Osoria is, he didn't want to miss the reliever's first workout of the spring. Doyle checked into the Howard Johnson's Tuesday night, unpacked his binder of Osoria minor league cards, and went to bed with visions of Franquelis dancing in his head. Doyle awoke bright and early Wednesday, had breakfast at IHOP, and headed over to Dodgertown. He first saw Brad Penny. Then Brett Tomko. Then Kim Ng. (Or was it Jae Seo?) Doyle walked and walked, but no sight of Osoria. He began to worry, and after checking with Dodger officials, his worst fears were confirmed: Osoria had Visa problems and wouldn't be reporting until later in the week. "Visa problems," muttered a downcast Doyle. "I don't understand, I mean my credit ain't great, but I got me two Visas. And a MasterCard." It may be spring all right, but there's no spring in Jerry Doyle's step.

February 11, 2006
Penny, Perez emerge from hibernation

With just a couple days before the dawn of a new spring, pitchers and catchers throughout baseball are readying themselves for the rigors of the preseason. Tucking their kids into bed one last time. Enjoying a final dump in their own toilet. A last bang of the wife before the cheating begins. It's a familiar ritual, as players board planes, trains, and rafts this week with one common destination: Florida. (OK, and Arizona too, but does anyone really give a shit about the Milwaukee Brewers?)

While most Dodgers arrive at Vero from their winter homes or Hawaiian vacations, two guys are emerging from a different spot. Brad Penny and Odalis Perez, it seems, have spent the winter hibernating underground deep in the forests of Wyoming. Immediately after the 2005 season, Perez and Penny—wallowing in the complete failure of the team—packed up some cheeseburgers and set out for a remote mountainside in Yellowstone National Park. As they pounded Double-Doubles, the pair chatted about Jim Tracy's departure, Eric Gagne's health, and Alyssa Milano's ass. Soon after, they befriended a couple of black bears who led them to a dark cave nearby. It was there that the two Dodger pitchers spent the winter—sleeping, farting, and dreaming of a lineup capable of providing run support.

Their internal clocks ticking, Perez and Penny awoke over the weekend, smelling baseball in the air. No, wait... that's the smell of ground beef stuck in Penny's goatee. Nonetheless, the two are rested, rejuvenated, and ready to be misused by another manager.