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> FEBRUARY 2007 February 27, 2007 All he wanted was a hot Italian Tommy Lasorda is certainly a random person for a pimp to falsely accuse, so you'd like to think there's some truth to this whole thing... mainly because it's funny as hell. You'd like to think there's truth to this, but come on... Tommy? He's no saint, despite what he may preach, but Tommy? He might call for an ill-advised hit-and-run, but would he really call for a hooker? And can you imagine a prostitute finding out that she's got to nail Tommy Lasorda? It's a putrid thought. I'm pretty sure I can explain the whole thing. Tommy may very well have called Jody Gibson, but he actually thought he was calling Jody Maroni's. Here's how it went down: JG: Hello, this is Jody? TL: Hi... God, I'm hungry for something special. JG: Well, you've called the right number. TL: I hope so—do you deliver? JG: Jody Gibson always delivers. TL: Gibson? You're goddamn right—the toughest son-of-a-bitch I ever managed. Delivered in the clutch. JG: Uh... ok. Sir, what can I do for you? TL: Well, I really feel like something Italian. JG: Well, I can offer you a Sweet Italian, a very nice— TL: No, I need something spicy... and juicy. JG: Ok, how about a Hot Italian? Mary Nara. TL: Marinara? I love marinara! JG: Great, sir, can I have your name? TL: Tommy Lasorda. JG: Ok, Mr. Lasorda, when are you looking for the delivery? TL: When am I looking for the delivery? When the fuck do you think I want it? When am I looking for the delivery? Fuck, I'm on the fucking phone with you. What the fuck do you mean, "When am I looking for the delivery?" How could you ask me a question like that, "When am I looking for the delivery?" Fuck, I'm calling you, aren't I? And you ask me when I want the delivery? Fuck. That's a tough question to ask me, isn't it? When do I want the delivery? JG: Yes, it is. I asked it, and you gave me an answer... TL: Well, I didn't give you a good answer because I'm mad, but I mean... JG: Well, is wasn't a good question... TL: That's a tough question to ask me right now, "When am I looking for the delivery?" I mean, you want me to tell you when I'm looking for the delivery... JG: You just did... February
24, 2007 As for the decision to bat Furcal at the top, it should have been a no-brainer considering that Pierre gets on base about once a game. Fourty-five million is a lot to pay a guy to lay down a sac bunt (or, in Pierre's case, a sac dribbler), but that's essentially what the Dodgers will be doing... well, that is, when they're not paying him to throw a 12-hopper to the plate. With his wheels, Pierre would be better off running the ball in to the infield. What's that you say? It's Spring Training, a time for hope? Fine, I hope Juan Pierre gets hurt and Matt Kemp gets a chance in center. I hope that Luis Gonzalez's old legs can carry him to second base after he hits one in the gap. I hope that someone dresses up Mark Hendrickson like a palm tree and he just blends into the back of the bullpen, never to be used. I hope that Charlie Steiner grows his beard back to hide his bizarre face. And I hope that Scott Boras gets a tapeworm. Wow, I kind of like this hope thing. February
20, 2007 Moderator: Thanks for joining us. We're here with Brad Penny this afternoon. First question please. bluefan2: Hi, Brad. I'm a big fan. I can't wait to— Moderator: Ok, enough of the ass-kissing. Next question. doucheface: Brad, is it true that you weigh 280 pounds? Penny: Uh... next question please. Moderator: Bullshit, Brad—answer the question. Penny: Um, no, I... uh... I lost 10 pounds this offseason. Moderator: Great, so you went from 290 to 280? Penny: Ok, fine. But most of it is just gravy weight. jamiemccourtsass: Yo Brad, what was it like to bang Alyssa Milano? Did she ever accidentally call you Carl Pavano? Penny: Banging her was great, even though I was like nine times her size. She never called me Carl. I did find a bunch of crap about Zen in her nightstand, though—must have belonged to Zito. lil-fonville96: Is it true that you dated Alyssa Milano only because her name reminded you of the Pepperidge Farm cookie? Penny: Yes, at first that was the reason, but then I realized she had a nice ass. rickmondaysovercoat: Brad, I hear you traveled to Paris and Madrid over the winter. Did you go to the Louvre? Penny: Yes, I went to the bathroom many times when I was on my trip. jddrews_tampon: Are you looking forward to throwing to Mike Leiberthal? Penny: Mike Leiberthal?? What the hell happened to Paul Bako? Moderator: I believe Bako works at Circuit City. Ok, folks, we've got time for one more question. blueballssince88: Brad, will you be forcing an opposing batboy to drink a gallon of milk this season? Penny: Oh hell yeah, and since Nomar has twins, the milk might be homemade. Moderator: Excellent. Thank you all for participating in the chat. By the way, Brad's fingers smell like Eliza Dushku. February
15, 2007 Freeman, whose most redeeming quality is that he's the cousin of Torii Hunter, hit .225 with three homers and 29 RBIs in parts of three seasons with the Colorado Rockies. And I haven't looked, but I'm guessing one or two of those home runs came at Coors Field, so really we're talking about an outfielder with the power of a toaster oven—just what the Dodgers need. They've got Luis Gonzalez in left, Juan Pierre in center, and Andre Ethier in right. If those guys go bad, they've got Jason Repko, Larry Bigbie, and Matt Kemp. So unless the Dodgers invited Freeman to Spring Training just so the sound people at Holman Stadium can play a choo-choo sound every time he comes to bat, the signing seems pretty pointless. Nonetheless, it's Friday, which means pitchers and catchers are finally reporting to camp. Game on for D.J. Houlton autograph seekers. February
11, 2007 I'm not exactly sure how almost five months have passed since the Dodgers meekly succumbed to the New York Mets in three games, but baseball is back, and I'm wetting my pants. Actually, I'm wetting my chair since I'm not actually wearing pants. But that's a different issue. With Spring Training about to start, it's a perfect time for some Vero Beach predictions...
February
3, 2007 The Dodgers also made headlines on Friday by signing outfielder Larry Bigbie to a minor league contract with an invitation to Spring Training. We'll see whether Bigbie doesn't injure himself before Spring Training starts. He played in only 17 games in 2006, and over his six year career has made J.D. Drew look like Cal Ripken. When he's healthy, though, he... uh... well, he has a mediocre batting average, strikes out too much, doesn't hit for power, and steals very few bases. Hey, who couldn't use a guy like that?
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You
wouldn't necessarily think that Tommy Lasorda, Bruce Willis, and
Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones would have that much in
common, but it turns out they might. The three were apparently among
those on a list of clients belonging to Hollywood madam Jody Gibson—or
so she says. Gibson was busted eight years ago and ended up serving
twenty-two months in prison. Thursday, her autobiography will be
released in stores.
The
Dodgers have been in Vero Beach about a week, and Grady Little's
brain has been working overtime. Should Juan Pierre bat first? Should
Rafael Furcal bat first? Should Juan Pierre bat first? Should Rafael
Furcal bat first? Should Juan Pierre bat first? Should Olmedo Saenz
bat first? After Little finally announced that Furcal would bat
leadoff (a decision that will probably change three times before
the season starts), it was time for some more mind-wrenching debate:
Who would pitch Opening Day? It would be Derek Lowe, he finally
announced. Fine, but did Grady do anything else this past week other
than fill out fake lineup cards? I'm picturing Little sitting in
his office, with crayons in hand, trying to remember who the guys
on his team are. How much time do you think he spent deciding that
his starting pitchers would bat ninth? I've got it, Ned, I'll
put the fast guys at the top of the lineup and a power hitter fourth!
On
Tuesday, Takashi Saito took a break from Rick Honeycutt to chat
online with fans. Saito discussed the special socks he wears, the
challenge of facing Albert Pujols, and his friendship with Tim Hamulack.
Pretty riveting stuff. If only Dodger Blues ran these chats...
All
winter long, Ned Colletti has worked to shore up the Dodgers' pitching
staff, add some power, and strengthen the bench. He added Jason
Schmidt, Randy Wolf, Luis Gonzalez, and Mike Leiberthal, among others.
But something was missing. On Thursday, Ned finally filled that
hole, signing outfielder Choo Freeman to a minor league contract.
Aaah... now Spring Training can start.
Wednesday
is Valentine's Day, the only day you can spend $50 bucks on twelve
goddamn roses. More importantly, Wednesday is February 14th. That
means that Friday is February 16th—the day pitchers and catchers
report to Vero Beach, Florida. (If Odalis Perez was still on the
team, this date wouldn't apply to him, but thankfully he's someone
else's problem now.)
After
weeks of little baseball news, the big transaction came on Friday:
Oscar Robles was sold to the Mexico City Red Devils. Robles was
a surprise for the Dodgers in 2005, batting .272 in 110 games, and
getting on base more than guys paid ten times as much. With Ramon
Martinez on the roster in '06, however, Robles spent the majority
of the season at triple-A Las Vegas. After being sold on Friday,
Robles said that he'd like to get picked up by another Major League
team, which probably means he'll join the Padres in August just
in time to have a key ninth inning triple against the Dodgers.