> FEBRUARY 2008



February 26, 2008
Spring shocker: Schmidt not well

More than a week into Spring Training, and you can probably count on one hand the number of times Jeff Kent has spoken to a teammate. (You'd need lots of hands, though, to count the number of times he's snuck into the shitter with a Motocross magazine and some tissues.)

It's been a fairly quiet start in Vero, or maybe it just seems that way because everyone is afraid of Joe Torre—who, by the way, still looks bizarre in a Dodger uniform. You know who else looks bizarre in a Dodger uniform? Jason Schmidt. Hmmmm... maybe it has something to do with the 35 starts he missed last year. Here's betting he only misses about 33 this season. At this point the Dodgers say he's doubtful to start the season on the roster, which is probably a fair assumption considering that he's throwing in the 60's these days. An even more reasonable assumption would be that he won't pitch in a goddamn game before the All-Star Break, and when he does, the ball won't be moving fast enough to make it to the plate on the fly. That Darren Dreifort contract isn't looking so bad now, is it?

Speaking of Darren Dreifort... actually, I've got nothing. I just thought that would be a good segue. Unfortunately I had absolutely nothing Dreifort-related into which to segue. So on a completely different note, three Dodger outfielders hit home runs in an intrasquad game Tuesday afternoon. Can you guess which outfielder wasn't among those? Good guess.

February 21, 2008
Andruw reports to camp—then eats the camp

Apparently $36 million doesn't buy a a gym membership. Cheeseburgers, though, it clearly buys plenty of. Andruw Jones, the Dodgers' new centerfielder who had vowed to recapture his form, has apparently decided instead to capture the form of David Wells. It was acknowledged on Thursday that Jones reported to camp this week "heavier" than the team had expected. While no numbers were given, you've got to figure we're talking about more than a few pounds. If the guy simply had a couple slices of cake on his way to Vero, no one would have raised the issue. Maybe the rumor is true: No longer challenged in center, Jones is planning on catching fly balls with his belly.

In other important Dodger news, Joe Beimel has finally cut something other than his hand: his hair. At Joe Torre's request ("I didn't make him do anything, but I asked him to"), Beimel got his wavy locks chopped off at a salon. Good to see Joe Torre focusing on the things that'll bring a championship to Los Angeles. Maybe he'll ban ankle-length socks and the consumption of processed cheese. World Series, here we come!

February 13, 2008
Falkenborg fans unite in Vero

Well, the highly anticipated day is almost here. No, not the day when you get to spend $80 for a dozen roses that cost $20 any other time. I'm talking about Friday—the day when the Dodgers hold their first official spring workout in Vero Beach. Eager to injure themselves early, some Dodgers are already in camp, including a terrific crop of non-roster invitees like Brian Falkenborg, Greg Jones, Mike Koplove, Matt Riley, Brian Shackelford, Danny Ardoin, Rene Rivera, and John-Ford Griffin. John-Ford Griffin? Of all the things that give me the creeps, I must say that a hypenated first name tops the list. I have no idea who the hell this guy is, but if he's half as bad as his name, he'll be working at the Vero IHOP by the beginning of March. If anyone reading this is heading to Florida for Spring Training, I beg of you to take the hyphen from his name and beat him over the fucking head with it.

While position players aren't due in Vero for another week or so, Jason Repko has already checked into camp—presumably so he can pad all hard surfaces and hoard all of the gauze and bandages from the trainers' room. Repko claims that he's fully recovered from his injuries of last year, which should be music to the ears of... of... well, of fans who happen to be going to the Dodgers' first game and have a sick desire to see a player smash his head through a light post.

In other Dodger news, the team has agreed on a 1-year contract with closer Takashi Saito, who had 39 saves and a 1.40 ERA last season. The deal will pay Saito $2 million, less than a third of what they'll be paying Esteban Loaiza to give up a home run every other inning.

February 6, 2008
Charles in charge

For many decades, fans turned out in the millions each season to watch Major League Baseball games across the country. Amazingly, these games were played at stadiums without hot dog races on the scoreboard, without pop songs blaring between innings, and without museums perched above the left field corner. People didn't show up at the stadiums for these things—they showed up to watch baseball. That was all the entertainment they needed.

Then, somewhere along the line, teams with weak attendance started adding all kinds of bullshit to "boost the fan experience." Mascots, music, contests—all to entertain the fan when the product on the field just wasn't enough. For years, the Dodgers resisted such crap—mainly because the product on the field was enough. Koufax, Drysdale... Garvey, Lopes, and Cey... Valenzuela, Hershiser, Piazza. Fans didn't need entertainment between innings because there was plenty of entertainment during the innings. Imagine that.

Over the last decade, though—maybe a little longer—Dodger Stadium has slowly lost those things that made it unique (the organ, a clean outfield wall, a winning team) and replaced them with things that have no connection to Los Angeles baseball (the helmet challenge on Diamondvision, song voting, and Esteban Loaiza). Dodger Stadium is still a gorgeous fucking place to watch a game, but who would know there's a game going on when the assholes in front of you are standing up for twenty minutes with their tongues down eachothers throats hoping to get on "Kiss Cam"? Maybe I'm in the minority. Clearly someone has decided that there's a market for this shit, and Dodger fans are apparently eating it up.

From the looks of things, it's only going to get worse. And by 'things', I mean Charles Steinberg. Once the executive vice president of public affairs for the Boston Red Sox, Steinberg joined the Dodgers on New Years Day—itching to bring new promotions and gimmicks to needy Dodger fans. "Try to tell me why everybody stops what they're doing and sings 'Sweet Caroline' in Boston," Steinberg said. "There's a Rally Monkey in Anaheim. The Beer Barrel Polka is a signature in games in Milwaukee."

Fine, he's looking for something appropriate for L.A.? How about these ideas:

  • Between the seventh and eighth innings, everyone who's older than Rudy Seanez raises their hand.
  • Guess the Reliever contest: Take a current Dodger, put him in the right field pavilion, and see if anyone knows who the hell he is. Reward winners with more hot dogs.
  • Public Transportation Night (every night): Reward fans who take public transportation by making them walk two fucking miles to the bus stop.
  • Jamie McCourt Night: All attendees (14 years or younger) get a miniskirt, a dark pair of glasses, and a weaselly husband.
  • Rick Monday Night: Turn off the scoreboard after the third inning.
  • Name food items after former players: A burrito with a Dodger dog inside is called 'The Olmedo', a cheeseburger without the meat and cheese is called 'The Tripp Cromer', a full bottle of Coke that you smash with a bat is called 'The Carlos Perez.'
  • Start a 'Think Green' campaign where fans get a discount on concessions if they promise to reuse their beverage cups as barf bags when Juan Pierre makes a throw from the outfield.
  • A counter on the outfield wall that tracks the number of fans tackled on the field by security. (Sponsored by House of Bail Bonds)
  • Paste photos of current and ex Giants in the urinal troughs so Dodger fans can piss on Barry Bonds, Matt Williams, and Rick Reuschel.