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Jim Tracy: I will leave Giovanni Carrara in the game as long as he is breathing. Todd Hundley: I will never make a throw to second base on fewer than 2 hops. Adrian Beltre: I will not have surgery outside of the United States. Shawn Green: I will not show emotion. Kaz Ishii: I will not try to catch line drives with my forehead. Hideo Nomo: I will refuse to learn English. Dan Evans: I will always wear pink shirts. Mike Kinkade: I won't round the bases so slowly after a home run. Eric Gagne: I will not pick the insects out of my goatee. Paul Shuey: I will stop stealing Paul Quantrill's underpants.
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Assuring
that spring training is going to be one hell of a party, the Dodgers
continue to extend invitations to washed-up no-talents. The addition
of Ron Coomer, signed Thursday to a minor league contract and invited
to spring training, makes 12 players on the guest list. By mid-February,
the list is expected to reach Bar Mitzvah proportions. Coomer, who
spent the 2001 season striking out for the Yankees, is 36 and primarily
a third baseman. So he should enjoy playing in Las Vegas, taking
away time from younger guys who might actually have a future. Coomer
joins a fine list of nobodys who'll be blessing us with their presence
in Vero Beach: Wilson Alvarez, Larry Barnes, Pedro Borbon Jr., Troy
Brohawn, Bryan Corey, Calvin Maduro, Calvin Murray, Rodney Myers,
Yorkis Perez, Terry Shumpert and Quilvio Veras. Here's hoping the
rest of the invitations get lost in the mail. 
Filling
the fourth outfield spot that was vacated when Marquis Grissom left
for the Giants, the Dodgers acquired Daryle "Fatty" Ward
from Houston on Saturday. In return, the Astros get minor-league
pitcher Ruddy Lugo, who was 11-3 last year, splitting time between
single-A and double-A. While giving up a young, healthy arm generally
isn't the smartest thing to do, in this case it's acceptable for
one reason: his name is Ruddy. But back to Ward, who in a way was
the Adrian Beltre of Houston. Ward never seemed to do what the Astros
thought he could, batting .269 in 4 seasons with the team. A big
issue—no pun intended— is his weight. Rumor has it that
the Astros were forced to build a new stadium in 2000 after Ward
ate the Astrodome. Listed at 6'2", 240, Ward indeed has a big
tummy. Yet, he's only 27. Which can mean one of three things: (1)
he's about to reach his prime, and he'll realize his potential;
(2) he's about to reach his prime, and he won't get any better;
or (3) he'll weigh 300 by the time he's 30. (History would suggest
#2 or #3.) Regardless, this ranks up there as one of Dan Evans more
decent moves. Of course he had to accompany news of the trade with
an idiotic comment, reminding us what a douchebag he really is.
Evans apparently indicated that the Dodgers are still concerned
with the health of Kevin Brown and Darren Dreifort and might look
for another pitcher like Wilson Alvarez. Sure, makes perfect sense.
Since we've got three or four guys trying to rebound from major
injuries, let's back them up with a couple guys who haven't pitched
in two years. Hell, maybe Dave Dravecky is available.
Leaving
no stone unturned in his search for roster additions, Dan Evans
has found another warm body, this time in the intensive care unit
at St. Joseph's hospital in Tampa Bay. Late Thursday, the Dodgers
signed pitcher Wilson Alvarez to a minor league contract. Alvarez
was once good, and that's good enough for Evans. No need to dwell
on the fact that Alvarez has spent more time on the DL during his
career than actually playing. He missed the entire 2000 and 2001
seasons with injuries, and has had enough arm trouble to be legally
declared an amputee. Last year, Alvarez had a 5.23 ERA in 23 games.
And to top it off, he's fat. What's not to like? And speaking of
over-the-hill pieces of crap, Terry Shumpert is apparently on the
Dodgers' radar (to be exact, the Fisher Price radar system they
bought at K-Mart).
After
losing quite a few players this offseason, the Dodgers have a number
of roster spots to fill. With recent additions to their bullpen,
it's obvious the search for talent is well underway. Dan Evans and
crew have been frequenting garage sales and garbage dumps of late,
and have come away with what you'd expect: total shit. Continuing
their trend of signing worthless ex-Dodgers, the team picked up
reliever Pedro Bourbon on Monday. Bourbon had a 4.09 ERA for the
Dodgers in '99, and a beautiful 5.36 ERA last season. Bring 'em
back! Hey, they've still got his uniform somewhere in storage—that's
got to save at least $60. Quietly, the Dodgers have also added Rodney
Myers, Troy Brohawn, Yorkis Perez and Calvin Maduro, signing all
to minor league deals. When guys have been in the big leagues for
6 or 7 years, and they're agreeing to minor league contracts, it's
a good bet they stink. Which explains why they were in a garbage
dump.
After
months of intermittent speculation, Rupert Murdoch may indeed be
selling the Dodgers, an Australian newspaper reported on Sunday.
However, since the newspaper story was written by Luke Prokopec's
mom, there may be a question of validity. Regardless, it looks as
if happier days may lie ahead for Dodger fans. That's not exactly
good news for DodgerBlues, where we feast on Fox's follies, but
we're up for the challenge. Besides, in the five years under Rupert's
rule, the Dodgers have provided us with enough material to last
a lifetime. After all, we have Rupert to thank for the loss of Mike
Piazza, the disaster that was Kevin Malone, the absurdity of Kevin
Brown's contract, and that piece of shit rubber warning track. (Among
other things.) Thanks, Rupert! Now go bend over for a kangaroo.
Year
after year, the Dodgers resolve to be competitive. Year after year,
they disappoint. Finally, however, the Dodgers have set some realistic
goals for the new year. Here are some of the Dodgers' 2003 New Year's
resolutions: