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> JANUARY 2004 January
29, 2004
January
27, 2004
In other news, Alex Cora broke his arm playing in the Puerto Rican winter league and will be out 4 to 6 weeks. Oh, the horror. January
24, 2004
So, what's our conclusion about hitting coach? We have no conclusion. What difference does it make? One man cannot possibly help the likes of Jeremy Giambi, Bubba Trammell, Jason Romano, and Alex Cora. However, judging from the personnel moves they've made this winter, it's a good bet that Billy Ashley will be named hitting coach. January
19, 2004
January
17, 2004
January
10, 2004
January
6, 2004
January
1, 2004
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Today
is January 29, 2004. Dodger fans, however, will come to know it
as 1/29. Obviously to compare it to 9/11 is both absurd and insulting,
but on 1/29, things will change forever. On 1/29, Frank McCourt's
purchase of the Los Angeles Dodgers will be approved by Major League
Baseball owners, who are essentially being led to their decision
by a jackass commissioner. Bud Selig isn't the only jackass, however.
There are lots of them in LA, a city whose futile attempt to stop
the sale has come far too slowly and far too late. It was painfully
clear from day one what the Boston developer's intentions were (despite
what he might say today), yet everyone continued to work toward
finalizing the deal. Only in the past week or two have anti-McCourt
efforts begun to materialize—far too late to have any impact.
The only impact there'll be now is the impact of the top deck collapsing
onto the reserved level below. And the reserved level collapsing
onto the loge level. And the loge level collapsing onto the yellow
seats. And an organization that was once a treasure collapsing into
a big fucking dust cloud that's going to kill us all. Sure, it's
been no picnic the last few years under Fox, and even during O'Malley's
final years, but we're entering new territory now. Enemy territory.
And we don't have weapons. Just Fred McGriff bobbleheads. Hard-core
Dodger fans have cursed and despised the team in recent years, but
there's one reason for that: we care. After 1/29, however, it's
going to be very tough to care. That's what's sad. When we know
the owner has no aspirations to win, when we know the castle we
call Dodger Stadium isn't long for this world, when we know even
the guys on the team are dejected and uninspired... it's going to
be very tough to care. Should we at least give McCourt a chance?
Judging by the look of his weasel-like face, no. At this point,
having any hope would only make the inevitable twice as painful.
And while pain is something Dodger fans have become very accustomed
to experiencing, the pain of watching it all go to shit is more
than many of us can take. There are a lot of people, however, who
are happy—most of them in the city of Boston. The fact that
Boston appears thrilled to be getting rid of McCourt is a pretty
morbid sign. The fact that this article isn't the least bit funny
is also pretty morbid. So let's lighten things up with this quote
from Bubba Trammell: "I can play hard and show the fans, hey,
I'm back." 
Realizing
his Dodger days are numbered, Dan Evans is making the most of his
time by doing what he does best: picking up other people's trash.
Soon after Frank McDickface is approved as owner of the Dodgers
on Thursday, Evans figures to be one of the first casualties. You
shouldn't take that to mean that McCourt actually wants a GM who
can do the job, just that McCourt wants his own guy to pick up trash.
The latest trash comes in the form of Jose Lima and Jose Hernandez—two
guys who (if they make the major league roster) are sure to help
the Dodgers secure last place. Jose Friggin' Lima? Swap the first
letters of his first and last name and what do you get? Lose Jima.
Don't know what Jima is, but "Lose" speaks volumes. Despite
some success with Astros in '98 and '99, the animated Lima quickly
went down the tubes, compiling a 6.65 ERA in 2000. On April 27,
2000, Lima served up four home runs to the Cubs in the first inning,
tying a major league record. By late September of that season, Lima
had set a major league record for most home runs allowed by a pitcher
in a single season. Lima regained a bit of his old form early last
season in Kansas City, but then fell apart after suffering a strained
groin. As for Jose Hernandez, well, you can do the same thing with
the letters in his name. You'll find that it spells Hose Jernandez.
Jernandez really isn't all that different from Hernandez, but "Hose"
suggests either that the Dodgers are getting hosed (Hernandez strikes
out more often than Billy Ashley), or that Hernandez has a huge
penis. Regardless, the "Dan Evans Trash Clean-Up" program
is gaining momentum. There's no telling what'll happen in the next
couple days. Anyone seen Pete Incaviglia lately?
Since
they haven't picked up any hitters this offseason, the Dodgers haven't
been too worried about their hitting coach vacancy. However, with
just a few weeks before Spring Training begins, a hiring is imminent.
Former Dodger Tim Wallach is apparently on the short list, but the
Dodgers are keeping quiet about the other candidates. We at Dodger
Blues, however, refuse to keep so quiet. Our team of highly-trained
journalists has spent the past few weeks camped out on the hills
around Chavez Ravine, stealthly keeping tabs on who's been visiting
the stadium. Here's what we noticed:
Despite
no formal announcement, it's clear the Dodgers are drastically cutting
their payroll. It's also clear that they're very confused about
how to do so. If you're looking to save money, common sense says
you don't give Jeremy Giambi $700,000, you don't give Alex Cora
$1.5 million, you don't give Juan Encarnacion $8 million, and you
sure as shit don't voluntarily give Adrian Beltre $5 million. Yet,
that's what they've done. On Monday, the Dodgers avoided arbitration
with Beltre, giving the putz a one-year deal worth $5 million. A
.240 average and .290 OBP earns him $5 million? Until he proves
that he can hit a curveball (and don't look for that to happen anytime
soon), Beltre doesn't deserve more than the major league minimum.
Terrific, he knows how to barehand little ground balls—not
worth $5 million. Sure, Dan Evans is in a tough position, but that's
not an excuse for stupidity. Had the Dodgers been a little less
free with their 1-year contracts to a bunch of nobodys this winter,
they'd have had ample money to get Vladimir Guerrero. So they wouldn't
have been able to get Giambi? Fine, let Wilkin Ruan be a backup
outfielder. Wouldn't have been able to pay Cora? Fine, let Joe Thurston
play second. Couldn't have re-signed Wilson Alvarez? Who gives a
shit! Sure, these guys aren't making a lot of money, but it adds
up... and in the Dodgers' case, it adds up to bloody fecal matter.
Generally,
the pain associated with being a Dodger fan comes from failure of
the team to live up to expectations. Generally, they look good on
paper. Now, however, it's safe to say that they don't. They don't
look good on paper. Not notebook paper, not tracing paper, not wax
paper. There isn't a piece of paper in the universe that could make
the Dodgers look good. A blindfold might be the only trick. But
get yours quick, because blindfold stores in the LA area are quickly
selling out... especially after the Dodgers announced on Friday
that they've signed crappy brother Jeremy Giambi (see other 
Pay
your respects. Cherish the memories. It's now official: the Dodgers
as you once knew them are dead. Obviously we weren't careful what
we wished for. We wished that the Dodgers would return to glory.
We wished that Fox would sell the team. We wished for anyone to
buy it. Well, anyone has bought it, and he's a poor mother fucker.
And he's a developer. And the only way that a poor developer can
make money off the Dodgers is to destroy the team. And then destory
the stadium. If Frank McCourt wanted to put together a winning team,
Vladimir Guerrero would be a Dodger. Period. But he's not. And not
only did he sign elsewhere, but he signed with Anaheim. It's like
your girlfriend breaking up with you, turning around, and blowing
your retarded brother. Only in this case, the Angels aren't the
retards. This offseason the Angels have picked up Guerrero, Bartolo
Colon, Jose Guillen, and Kelvim Escobar—and still have Garrett
Anderson, Troy Glaus, David Eckstein, Adam Kennedy, and Tim Salmon.
No, the Angels aren't the retards. So who are? Well, you are if
you go to a Dodger game next season. Your money would be better
spent on a daily enema adminstered by Bob Daly. Somehow, the Dodgers
won eighty-five games in 2003. They'll be lucky to win eight
next season. Look for Vin Scully to take a nose dive into the orange
seats sometime by late April. Unfortunately there won't be anyone
sitting there to break his fall. The worst part of this is that
we can't even blame Dan Evans. As shitty as he is, it's no longer
his fault. When Fox took over, Piazza was traded behind Fred Claire's
back. Now, as Frank McShitface prepares to take over the Dodgers,
it's clear that Evans' puny hands are tied. Sons of bitches have
the general manager bound by rope. Next they'll rape the fans. And
finally, they'll burn the stadium. Let's just hope Bubba Trammell
stays safe.
Hey,
under that empty container of Windex... what's that? It's Bubba
Trammell! Holy shit... look just below those bloody tissues... do
you see that? No, not the Cheez Whiz bottle; just to the right of
it... do you see those eyes blinking? It's Bill Simas! Hey, is that
Troy Brohawn hiding in that Wheat Thins box? Wow, all in one dumpster!
What a day for Dan Evans. Six hours, three pieces of garbage. On
Tuesday, the Dodgers signed outfielder Bubba Trammell to a one-year
contract, and invited two future Hall of Famers to spring training:
pitchers Bill Simas and Troy Brohawn. Trammell comes with baggage,
as he left the Yankees in the middle of last season because of depression.
At least he's got something in common with Dodger fans. Rumor has
it that Evans' sights are now set on Ken Landreaux and a 16-year-old
amputee who served Evans a Beef 'N Cheddar at Arby's over the weekend.
If the Dodgers weren't big pussies, they'd come clean and admit
they've begun a poorly-disguised fire sale. Or just admit that they
don't have a goddamn clue what the fuck they're doing. We'll see
how many fans show up for Bubba Trammell bobblehead night. Can't
wait to see the Bill Simas mural on the side of the stadium. The
Royals pick up Juan Gonzalez, the Diamondbacks get Roberto Alomar,
the Mets express interest in Vladimir Guerrero, and the Dodgers
invite Troy Brohawn to spring training. If you're thinking of puking,
do us a favor: hold it in until opening day and then barf on the
girl in the parking booth when she says, "Thirteen dollars,
please."
With
a new year come many changes: New laws go into effect. You have
to sign 2004 on all of your checks. And your Alex Cora desk calendar
is replaced with a brand new Jeff Weaver calendar. Big changes indeed.
Some things, however, never seem to change—like Dick Clark's
face, Jim Tracy's expression, your underpants, and, most importantly,
the mediocrity of the Dodgers. With a month and a half to go before
pitchers and catchers report to Florida, the Dodgers don't have
a solid left fielder, a first baseman, a second baseman, or a third
baseman who isn't named Adrian Beltre. Not to mention they've also
lost perhaps their most effective set-up man. And they have no hitting
coach—but that makes perfect sense considering they don't have
any hitters. Whether it's because of the ever-impending sale-from-hell
or simply because of Dan Evans' ineptitude, the Dodgers are in a
position to probably have their crappiest season in a decade. Unless
Evans has something up his pink sleeve (and don't count on it),
we're in for another year of the misery we've all grown to publicly
lament but secretly embrace. Whatever the hell that means. Regardless,
as a Dodger fan, your best bet is to walk into the kitchen, take
that empty champagne bottle, and beat the shit out of yourself.
If you're lucky, the coma will last through October.