> JANUARY 2007

When you're hanging out with fellow Dodger fans, racking your brain to think of obscure Dodgers from the 90's, who comes to mind? If you're a long suffering fan, I guarantee you that Rudy Seanez and Joey Eischen are in the top ten. Now, thanks to Ned Colletti, Seanez and Eischen might soon overcome their obscurity. On Tuesday, the Dodgers signed Seanez to a minor league contract with a $700,000 guarantee if he makes the 40-man roster. While the Dodgers say that Seanez is 37 years old, I'm pretty sure he was 37 during his last tour of duty with the team—eleven years ago. As for Eischen, who's always looked a bit like a white supremacist, the Dodgers have apparently expressed interest. Eischen played in 17 games for the Dodgers in '95, so he's probably pretty tight with Seanez. Wow, can't wait for Little to go to the bullpen next season. Brett Tomko, Elmer Dessens, Mark Hendrickson, Rudy Seanez, and Joey Eischen.

Colletti was busy on Tuesday, also signing Fernando Tatis to a minor league contract. And why not? His .250, .194, .228, .255, and .253 averages over the last five seasons really make your head turn. (My head turns to the toilet, but Ned's turns to the checkbook.) It's especially impressive that Tatis was out of professional baseball in 2004 and 2005, obviously just sitting at home and staring at photos of Chan Ho Park. Big day, Ned.

January 11, 2007
Giving new meaning to "big fan"

Shortening the life expectancy of many fans while at the same time giving them a reason to stay for nine innings, the Dodgers announced this week that the Right Field Pavilion would become an all-you-can-eat section this season. For $35 in advance and $40 on game day, fans will have access to unlimited food, including Dodger Dogs, peanuts, and soda—everything a growing boy (or a fat girl) needs. The big question is whether the Dodgers will sell half as many tickets to the Right Field Pavilion to make room for all the slobs who'll take up two seats—well, actually three seats if you count the one they'll use to store their pile of nachos. All we've got to say is this: unlimited nacho cheese = unlimited diarrhea.

Good luck to those fans in the Right Field Pavilion who actually want to watch the game. I can imagine it now: Nomar comes to bat with the bases loaded and the 350-pounder in front of you stands up to go get another dozen Dodger Dogs for his family of four. And how about this scenario: Shawn Green hits a 3-run homer for the Mets and goes out to his position in right field after the inning. You don't think there'll be a group of people tossing Dodger Dogs at him? Why not, they're free? Look, I'm not encouraging it, but let's be serious: the people out there aren't exactly the ones working on a cure for cancer. And the Dodgers are giving them free projectiles? Fortunately, I guess, most of them will be spending the majority of the game in the bathroom excreting the 10 pounds of garbage they've just ingested.

January 1, 2007
New year, same friggin' resolutions

As you've been wallowing over the $250 you wasted to party on New Year's Eve, I've been deep in thought. Ok, fine, I've actually been passed out on the couch, but now I'm deep in thought... well, as deep as my thoughts are capable of going. Since there's nothing much happening on the baseball front these days, I thought it would be a good time to put together a list of resolutions for Dodger Blues.

Resolution #1: Declare a Fan of the Month for September and October before Spring Training starts.

Resolution #2: Update the Look-Alikes section for the first time since Jim Tracy was manager.

Resolution #3: More pictures of Paul Shuey and Tom Martin.

Resolution #4: Stop acting like there's a team of people working on the site when it's actually just me and my Olmedo bobblehead.

Resolution #5: Go through the 1,752 emails in my in-box and respond to at least 14 of them.

Resolution #6: Update the player profiles before Ned Colletti trades half of the guys he just signed.

Resolution #7: Don't write the Dodgers off in April. Wait until at least the middle of May.

Resolution #8: Increase annual ad revenue from $24 to at least $30.

Resolution #9: Produce official DB t-shirts and hire a midget to sell them outside the stadium.

Resolution #10: Figure out why Tim Hamulack is still on the 40-man roster.