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> JANUARY 2008 January
27, 2008
Even though the McCourts are putting money into the team (albeit money that's spent in horrific ways by Ned Colletti), there's still something incredibly distasteful about watching these two douchebags snatching up multi-million dollar properties around the city. While Dodger fans keep reeling, Frank and Jamie keep gaining. Although this time, what did they really gain? They bought a 2,000 square foot house for $19 miillion. That's $9,500 per square foot—or about $152,000 for an area large enough for Jamie to drop anchor after taking too many laxatives for breakfast. If there's anything good to come out of this, it's that the more properties they own in Malibu, the more time they'll be spending out on the sand. The more time they spend out on the sand, the less frequently they'll be taking the hour and a half drive to the stadium during the summer. And the less frequently they're driving to the stadium, the more often you can look toward home plate without seeing them hamming it up in the front row. January
23, 2008
It's unclear exactly why Mattingly is stepping down, though the Dodgers announced it was for personal reasons that require him to spend more time at home. "I hope that everyone can respect our privacy during this time," he said. I'd like to respect his privacy, but I'd rather speculate about why he needs to stay at home. Here are my top five theories: (1) He's painting his living room and has decided to do it using a toothbrush, (2) He's addicted to internet porn, (3) He's one of those guys who will only go number two on a familiar toilet, (4) He got a new puppy, or (5) He really, really likes the sound of the mailman dropping magazines on his front porch. Okay, maybe not. Clearly he's got a family issue, and I'll leave it at that. (Although I'm pretty damn sure "family issue" is just his way of saying that Frank McCourt is a scumbag.) To be exact, Mattingly will be staying with the organization in a new role as a "special assignment coach." Apparently he'll be open to special assignments as long as they're in Evansville, Indiana. That should be good news for kids who happen to be playing ball at Benjamin Bosse High School. Whether Mattingly will return to the Dodgers in 2009 isn't clear, but it certainly sounds like this could deal a blow to his future in the organization. It's been widely discussed that he was the logical guy to take over for Joe Torre in a few years, but it might be tough for him to do that from his bedroom. And if he is able to return to the team next season, do the Dodgers just tie up Mike Easler and lock him in a closet? Actually, Easler sounds like he's out of the closet: "These kids can play," he said on Tuesday. "I know them inside and out." January
20, 2008
Of course the biggest change this offseason happened with the coaching staff, and late last week new manager Joe Torre made a visit to Dodger Stadium, appearing at the Dodgers' prospect minicamp. It's still a little bizarre to see Torre sporting a Dodger cap, and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if he's still wearing Yankees underpants. Torre answered questions about the Dodger roster, but for the most part admitted that he hadn't given things much thought. Glad he's earning his $13 million. Speaking of earning money (or not earning money), here's the latest on a couple of Ned Colletti's biggest signees:
Meanwhile, the Dodgers will pay $18 million to a centerfielder who hit .222 last season, $5 million to a 33-year-old pitcher who's never played in the Major Leagues, and $328,000 more than they should to a guy named D.J. January
9, 2008
Whether the lawsuit is justified or not I can't tell you, but I can give you ten better reasons to sue the Dodgers:
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Apparently
the threat of rising sea levels over the next few decades isn't
quite enough to scare the McCourts away from Malibu. After spending
$33.5 million in August to buy the beachfront home of Courtney
Cox and David Arquette, the McCourts are at it again, buying the
home next door for $19 million. With this newest purchase, Frank
and Jamie have now spent $84 million on residential property in
Southern California—this by two people who borrowed hundreds
of millions to buy the Dodgers four years ago. I suppose the math
is simple. They've increased the cost of tickets, parking, and
concessions, increased advertising revenue, given away fewer and
fewer prizes at Fan Appreciation Day, and attracted more fans
with the promise of all-you-can-eat hot dogs—all the while
keeping the payroll relatively stable by balancing bloated contracts
with an abundance of rookies. And clearly they're involved in
investment fraud, drug trafficking, and pimping.
After
spending the last two months watching videos of Dodger hitters
flail away at home plate, Don Mattingly has apparently had enough.
"Jesus christ," he said. "These guys are hopeless."
Well, he didn't quite say that, but he did step down on Tuesday,
with the Dodgers naming Mike Easler the new hitting coach. The
Dodgers are hoping that Easler lasts at least through Spring Training.
Like
dog piss on a San Bernardino sidewalk, the offseason is quickly
evaporating. The Dodgers report to Vero Beach in just less than
a month—and will be out of there in two. While the last few
weeks have been quiet (other than this weekend's big news that
the Dodgers have avoided arbitration with Scott Proctor), the
next few will be inevitably be filled with news of the Dodgers
extending Spring Training invitations to the likes of Steve Trachsel,
Jeff Cirillo, and Ryan Klesko. Meanwhile, it will be revealed
that Jonathan Broxton gained thirty pounds over the holidays,
Andy LaRoche is changing the capitalization of his last name again,
and Brad Penny is now dating Hannah Montana.
With
nothing doing lately in terms of the Dodgers' roster, the front
office, or even the broadcast booth, I'll resort to this: talking
about the fan who's suing the Dodgers because she got her ass
kicked in the parking lot. Actually, it was her eye—not her
ass—that apparently took the brunt of it. The case went to
trial on Tuesday, with Marta Parra Helenius claiming that the
Dodgers didn't protect her from an abusive fan after a Dodgers/Giants
game on July 17, 2005. Some might remember that fateful day for
Jason Grabowski's final at-bat as a Dodger, or for the three runs
that Yhency Brazoban gave up in the ninth inning, but Helenius
clearly remembers it for the punch in the head she took from a
fellow Dodger fan. That's the saddest part about the whole thing—you
can't even blame a Giants fan.