> MARCH 2006

Good news for Mike Maddux, Jeff Reboulet, and every other former Dodger looking to resurrect their careers: Ned Colletti is in town, and he loves the moustache. On Wednesday, Colletti rewarded Jeff Kent for his upper lip hair, giving the 38-year-old second baseman a one-year extension with a team option for 2008. In an unusual move, the Dodgers included a clause that allows the team to void the contract should Kent shave his 'stache. "You really don't see as many guys with moustaches these days," said Colletti. "Look at me, don't you think it's manly?"

The extension of Kent's contract does seem like money well spent, at least for now. (When he goes down in May with a torn nutsack, the extension might not look so good.) While clearly not the most friendly guy, Kent has an intense desire to win and a bat that hasn't cooled off much over the last few years. When guys like Joel Guzman, Andy LaRoche, and James Loney start coming up, and guys like Kenny Lofton, Nomar Garciaparra, and Sandy Alomar are long gone, Kent figures to provide the veteran presence that'll be needed in the clubhouse. Can't you picture Kent in the locker room showing Guzman how to trim his moustache?

In other news, the Dodgers have decided to start the season with 12 pitchers. Translation: Eric Gagne isn't going to get anyone out with 81-mph fastballs.

March 27, 2006
Dodgers ship Wunsch, others to minors

With just a week to go before Opening Day, the Dodgers continued to whittle down their major league roster on Monday. Kelly Wunsch, Jonathan Broxton, D.J. Houlton, and Tim Hamulack—all relievers—will begin the season at triple-A Las Vegas. In a meeting with the coaching staff Monday morning, Ned Colletti was shocked to learn that Hamulack was even a Dodger. "Hamulack? Who the hell is that," asked the general manager. When told that Hamulack was acquired just a couple months ago from the Mets in the Duaner Sanchez deal, Colletti shook his head, insisting that he'd never deal for a guy who hadn't played for the Giants. In sending down Wunsch, Broxton, and Houlton—all of whom had spent time with the major league club last season—the Dodgers will pick between Yhency Brazoban, Franquelis Osoria, Aaron Sele, and Brian Meadows for the final two spots in the pen. Brazoban's inconsistency in '05, mediocre spring in '06, and recent shoulder soreness could spell Vegas for the guy everyone once pegged to be Eric Gagne's heir apparent. While neither Sele nor Meadows figures to have too much left in their arms, one of them could very well make the team as a mop-up man. That would come as terrrible news to Oscar Robles, who was seen scrubbing the bathroom floors over the weekend.

March 21, 2006
A Little mission: Protect J.D.

Grady Little has only been the Dodger manager for a couple months, but he 's caught on quickly to one thing: J.D. Drew's fragility. Trying to avoid the inevitable, Little has said that he's looking for creative ways to keep Drew healthy. This spring Drew has been playing in minor league games where the rules can be massaged to give major leaguers more playing time. "I got six at-bats in an hour yesterday, so it's very efficient," Drew said on Tuesday. That's all good now, but what happens during the season when the dude has to play more than three innings and isn't allowed to bat 2nd, 5th, and 8th in the same lineup? The fact that a $55 million player has to be treated like a rare 16th Century Chinese vase is goddamn ridiculous. But considering Drew's history, it's tough to argue. If Little runs out of creative ways to keep Drew healthy, allow us to help:

• Convert Drew into a third baseman. The distance from third base to the dugout is far shorter than the distance from right field. This would reduce the stress on Drew's knee, potentially saving hundreds of steps over the course of the season.

• If Drew gets on base, all subsequent Dodger batters must avoid putting the ball in play. This way, Drew will never be required to run.

• If Drew strikes out, he gets a ride back to the dugout on Jonathan Broxton's back. This way, Drew will never be required to move.

• The right field warning track gets replaced by a sea of dirt-colored pillows—over a six foot layer of cotton swabs.

• The right field wall gets equipped with air bags that deploy if Drew should accidentally crash into the wall.

• Kenny Lofton gets equipped with flashing lights and neon-colored face paint to reduce the chances of an outfield collision.

• Drew gets his own on-ramp onto the 110 Freeway to reduce the chances of a parking lot collision.

• Sheigh Drew required to change all baby diapers and keep her husband's vagina clear of obstructions.

March 19, 2006
Missing Milton

Oh, the difference a year makes. Last spring, when news from Vero Beach became dry and uninteresting, we all knew it was only a matter of time before there'd be something worth talking about. We all knew that like Old Faithful, Milton Bradley would eventually blow his lid. It was comforting to know that Milton was around, that Milton's temperature was rising, that Milton's rage would show its face. We didn't necessarily take pleasure in Milton's problems, but we did welcome the distraction. This spring, that distraction is missing. This spring, the Dodgers are a complete bore. There's only so much entertainment that can come from knowing that Jayson Werth still can't hold his own dick to pee. We need more juice. But sadly, we just don't see it coming.

It's terrific that guys like Nomar Garciaparra, Bill Meuller, and Sandy Alomar Jr. improve the chemistry of the ballclub, but what's chemistry without some nitrogen, sulfur, and a troublemaker? There are two weeks left of Spring Training. That's plenty of time for Oscar Robles and Ramon Martinez to come to blows over the last roster spot. It's plenty of time for Rick Honeycutt to walk in on a rookie with a hooker. It's plenty of time for Hee-Seop Choi to eat bad steak, puke all over his teammates, and steal D.J. Houlton's rental car. Are we asking for too much?

March 15, 2006
Signs of weakness are beginning to show

With the regular season less than three weeks away, the Dodgers are finding it increasingly difficult to camouflage the truth. The truth is this: Their outfield lacks power, their first baseman isn't a first baseman, half their roster is coming off of surgery of one kind or another, and aside from two closers, their bullpen isn't particularly impressive. Without a doubt the Dodgers are an improvement over the product they fielded a year ago, but that's like saying that Jeff Gordon would make a better pizza delivery driver than Stevie Wonder. While some Dodgers seem to be getting healthier (Furcal, Kent, Garciaparra, Gagne, Drew, Izturis), it's really just a matter of time until guys start re-aggravating their injuries (uh… Furcal, Kent, Garciaparra, Gagne, Drew, Izturis). If the success of the Dodgers didn't hinge on the health of the Surgical Six, we wouldn't be too concerned, but team's success does indeed fall squarely on their re-constructed shoulders… and elbows and knees and ankles.

To make matters worse, the healthy guys have begun to fall. Dioner Navarro is just 21 years old, but he looked about twice his age when he collapsed beyond the first base bag in the fourth inning Wednesday. Navarro strained his right hamstring and had to leave the game. Of course, the Dodgers' problems aren't limited to health issues. When Nomar bounced a throw to the plate in the third inning Wednesday, allowing the Braves to score two unearned runs, it served as a gentle reminder that at least two Dodgers might be starting the season out of position. Nomar, of course, doesn't belong at first, and Joel Guzman, everyone's favorite prospect, could be dropped into left-a place he's never set foot until about a week ago.

We're not trying to get you down. It's just that you shouldn't be quite so up. You're a Dodger fan, for godsakes. Start acting like it.

March 12, 2006
Being a fan is no picnic—wait, yes it is

With J.D. Drew hitting .467 in the spring, Cesar Izturis rebounding more quickly than expected from Tommy John surgery, and Vin Scully recently receiving a 2-year contract extension, things have been looking up for Dodger fans. Even Frank McCourt, however, knows that everything is sure to quickly fall apart once the season begins. Preparing for the worst on the field, McCourt continues to make cosmetic changes to Dodger Stadium in hopes of keeping fans around despite the appearance of Ricky Ledee in the outfield. The newest addition: a picnic area in the parking lot just outside the third base entrance to the Loge level. Slated to be in place by Opening Day, the area would accomodate 500 people and likely dispace a bunch of handicap parking stalls (unfortunately meaning that Sandy Alomar Jr. will have further to go in his wheelchair). McCourt described the picnic area as a "lush, heavily landscaped outdoor environment with a park-like feel," meaning the Dodgers hope that large trees can block the sight of the new Brett Tomko banner on the side of the stadium. If the picnic area truly does have a "park-like feel," expect to see homeless people asleep on the benches, piles of dog shit on the grass, and a Chad Fonville interpretive trail.

March 9, 2006
Furcal takes a big step... two, actually

Well on his way to earning the $39 million he's being paid, Rafael Furcal actually set foot on a baseball field Thursday. Recovering from knee surgery, Furcal took two steps on a practice field at Dodgertown and declared himself in the best shape of his career. "I'm in the best shape of my career," he muttered to no one in particular. Coach Dave Jauss agreed. "I agree," said Jauss. Furcal later fielded a few ground balls and took a few swings at the plate. The Dodgers are being cautious with Furcal's recovery, much of which has been carefully planned. Rafael will run the bases Friday, practice sliding next week, and will be introduced to Jeff Kent in early April. Kent, of course, is recovering from his own surgery and made his first appearance of spring on Wednesday against the Orioles. Kent singled twice, each time pulling a motocross magazine out of his back pocket as he reached first base. In other Dodger news, Sandy Alomar Jr. might have something to say about Barry Bonds catching Babe Ruth. Alomar has displayed a sudden burst of power this spring, hitting two home runs in his first six at-bats. Should the torrent pace continue when the regular season starts, Alomar would only need 1,809 at-bats to reach Ruth. Bonds had better watch his back (which, according to his ex-girlfriend, has lots of zits).

March 5, 2006
Korean coach: Choi stinks

Like all Americans, Dodger fans are surely mesmerized by the World Baseball Classic. Where else can you see such talent all in one tournament? The list of current and former Dodgers who are participating reads like a future Hall of Fame ballot: Giovanni Carrara, Dennys Reyes, Olmedo Saenz, Elmer Dessens, Karim Garcia, Juan Castro, Chan Ho Park, Jose Valentin, Ricky Ledee, Jose Cruz Jr, Juan Encarnacion, Duaner Sanchez, and, of course, our buddy Hee-Seop Choi (who's hitting .273—obviously a mistake). On Sunday, underdog Korea upset Japan in a Pool A showdown. What excitement! After the game, Dodger GM Ned Colletti sent a telegram to Seoul congratulating them on the win. He also asked that the Korean team assume the contract of Hee-Seop Choi, lock him in a cage, and never let him return to Los Angeles. In other news, Rafael Furcal's body is decomposing, Yhency Brazoban decided he needed a day off after being in camp for all of like four days, and former Dodger great Mike Venafro is scheduled to pitch for the Mets on Monday.

March 1, 2006
New promotions for those who bleed (blue)

Well, it's that time of year again. A few thousand die hard fans will wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning, drive out to Dodger Stadium, and line up to get wristbands. Then, as the suspense builds and they wait for the wristband lottery drawing (at which time they'll realize the entire morning was a waste of time), they'll sit and swap stories. Stories about how they once caught a Todd Benzinger foul ball. Stories about how many Dodger Dogs their nine kids once consumed. Stories about how their grandparents collected Bill Russell memorabilia and once ran into him at a Coco's. Finally, a Dodger employee will announce the starting wristband number, and everyone will quickly learn their ticket fate. Those lucky enough to have good numbers move toward the front, eager to learn where they'll be sitting for Nomar's first strikeout as a Dodger. Those with shitty numbers walk back to their cars, dejected and mumbling under their breath about how John Franco never should have been traded. Sadly, these folks won't be able to get tickets for the Dodgers' new promotions:

Nomar Garciaparra Batting Glove Night: The first 40,000 in attendance receive batting gloves that immediately come open after being fastened. With these gloves, you too can step out of the box (or your kitchen) every nine seconds to readjust your gloves.

Dodger Tampon Night: For the first 10,000 women who prove "it's that time of month." One lucky fan will get a tampon signed by J.D. Drew and lessons from the right fielder on proper technique.

Pocket Napkin Dispenser Day: Each fan in attendance will get a napkin dispenser, a gadget sure to come in handy after the douchebag sitting behind you spills beer all over your kid's head.

Dave Jauss Photo Night: All fans recieve an 8x10 photo of new Dodger bench coach Dave Jauss. Extra trash cans will be provided just inside the stadium gates so you can immediately throw away the photo.

Blindfold Night: Children 14 and under recieve a Dodger blindfold, perfect for hiding their eyes when Hee Seop Choi bats, when Kenny Lofton breaks his hip rounding first, or when Jason Repko—playing left field—dives for a ball hit to right-center.

Movie Trailer Night: The Dodgers and Washington Nationals will play three innings, followed by six innings of movie trailers on Diamondvision. Stadium vendors will sell malts, peanuts, and DVDs.

Brent Mayne Tribute Day: All fans in attendance will recieve a commemorative plaque honoring the Dodger great. The plaque depicts great moments in Mayne's Dodger career, such as the time he got clocked in the head by a batter's backswing and the time he walked on four pitches. Made of recycled newspapers, the plaque can also be used to set fire to anything flammable.