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Mike
Brito, who for the last 74 years has stood behind home plate at
Dodger Stadium with the speed gun, is missing. In his place for
the past two games has been a white guy who looks like Chandler
from Friends. Where the fuck is Mike Brito? Where's his big Mexican
hat? Where's his un-lit cigar? There are two possibilities: (1)
the Dodgers sent him down to Triple-A, or (2) he was finally overwhelmed
by the stench of his own hat and is presently lying unconscious
on his bathroom floor. Either way, Dodger Stadium just isn't the
same. By the way, the Dodgers beat the Brewers 8-4.
Kevin
Brown should take his $105 million and buy a nice little pink dress.
Maybe he can buy ballet shoes to go with it. Brown left Sunday's
game after just 20 pitches, again re-injuring his right elbow...
but not before giving up 4 runs. Dodger trainers should ice his
arm, and then chop the fucking thing off because it's a waste of
goddamn flesh. As for the game, the Dodgers came back from a 4-run
deficit against the Big Ugly Disgusting Bird-Like Unit, and took
a 7-4 lead, only to lose it in 10 innings, 10-9. Dodger relief pitching,
which has been especially shitty of late, continued to struggle,
walking 12 and giving up 16 hits. Dennis Springer, who honestly
looks older than both Terry Mulholland and Jesse Orosco, got the
loss. And goddamn Craig Counsell, that little rodant piece of shit
who did nothing while he was on the Dodgers, went 5-for-6. Spastic
bastard.
Shawn
Green is about as hot as it's possible to be. He may be hotter than
Britney Spears, Anna Kournikova, and Jennifer Love Hewitt all put
together. Wow... think about the three of them together..... OK,
anyway, Green blasted two more home runs on Saturday night, setting
a major league record with 7 in three games, and setting a new national
league mark with 9 home runs in the week. His 6 RBIs also give him
14 in the last 3 games. Dave Roberts apparently got jealous, knocking
in four runs of his own, all on his 2nd inning grand slam. Roberts
is now batting .311 and is starting to look legit. All bets are
off Sunday, however, as the Dodgers face the Big Ugly Disgusting
Bird-Like Unit.
A
day after crushing the Brewers 16-3, the Dodgers found themselves
on the other end of a rout Friday in Arizona. Behind 18 hits and
7 strong innings by Curt Shilling, the Diamondbacks gave the Dodgers
a little taste of what its like to face a good team. Odalis Perez
struggled for the first time as a Dodger, going only 4 innings and
allowing 5 runs. It quickly went downhill from there. After Guillermo
Mota allowed two runs in two innings, the Diamondbacks beat the
hell out of Jeff Williams, knocking him around for 6 runs in just
1/3 of an inning. If Williams left the stadium and was bit by a
rattlesnake, would anyone care? Probably not, as he was optioned
to Triple-A after the game, making room for crusty knuckleballer
Dennis Springer. One bright spot was Shawn Green. Continuing his
torrid streak, Green went 3-for-4 including a first inning home
run off Schilling. 
For
six innings on Tuesday, things were looking good. The Dodgers were
up 5-0, and Shawn Green had snapped out of his funk with two home
runs. Then Jim Tracy struck. After Kevin Brown gave up a run in
the seventh, and with guys on first and second, Tracy brought in
Giovanni Carrara. Fair enough. But when the guy gives up a 3-run
blast on his first pitch, YOU TAKE HIM OUT. But Tracy left him in.
And Cararra then walked Eric Young. But Tracy left him in. And then
Carrara gave up a double to Jeffrey Hammonds. But Tracy left him
in. And then Carrara walked Richie Sexson. But Tracy left him in.
And then up stepped Geoff Jenkins, who—go figure— crushed
a Carrara pitch deep into the right field stands, giving the Brewers
an 8-5 lead. Only then, after letting a late-inning game get completely
out of reach, did Jim Tracy slowly walk to the mound. Even to a
friggin' retard watching the game upside down, it was obvious after
the first batter that Carrara had nothing. But Jim Tracy—Mr.
Personality— left him in for SIX GODDAMN BATTERS!!! Brilliant
decision. Really.
The
Dodgers continued to play like shit on Thursday, but luck was on
their side for a night. Despite leaving nine guys on base—including
leaving the sacks full after loading them with nobody out in the
fifth—the Dodgers came from behind and beat the Expos, 4-3.
Down 3-2 in the eigth inning, the Dodgers got three bloop hits and
pushed across two runs, the go-ahead run scoring on Chad Kreuter's
pinch-hit two-out dunker into center. Shawn Green, who should start
trying to hit the ball with his ears, went 0-for-3 and grounded
into a double-play. 
Jeff
Reboulet, who resembles a 70s porn star more than a professional
baseball player, singled in the winning run in the 13th inning,
giving the Dodgers a 3-2 victory over the Mets. Reboulet, pinch-hitting
for Giovanni Carrara, drove a 1-2 pitch up the middle, somehow scoring
Eric Karros who, as always, was running like he had shit in his
pants. We can only hope that someone takes that shit and tosses
it in Shawn Green's face, because that guy needs to wake the F up.
Green, who has just three home runs this year, grounded into two
double-plays and struck out three times. How he's still batting
almost .250 is a complete fuckin' mystery.
Hideo
Nomo struck out the first three Marlins to face him on Sunday. Apparently
that was all he had. Nomo gave up seven runs in 4 2/3 innings, and
the Dodgers got their asses kicked, 11-3. You can lay some of the
blame on Jim Tracy, who stuck with Nomo long after it was obvious
the pitcher didn't have his best mediocre shit working. Let's not
forget to welcome Terry Mulholland's replacement, Jeff Williams,
who filled in nicely by giving up four runs in just one inning.
Williams, who for the last five years seems to spend about two weeks
on the major league roster, now has a 36.00 ERA. Makes old Terry
look like Greg-Fuckin'-Maddux.
The
Big Trade continued to loom large on Thursday, but this time the
Braves were the ones laughing. Gary Sheffield crushed a line-drive
3-run homer off of Andy Ashby, carrying the Braves to a 6-2 win
over the Dodgers. The guy may be a colossal prick, but no one can
deny that he's fun to watch. Christ he hit that ball hard. But let's
focus on what's important: he's a bitch who'll continue to burn
the Dodgers for years to come. 
The
last thing anyone wants is for Dan Evans to look good, so thankfully
we all know that any good baseball decisions he happens to make
are based on pure luck, not an understanding of the game. That said,
the Sheffield trade isn't looking quite so crappy anymore. Odalis
Perez dominated his former team on Wednesday, allowing just a run
in 8 innings. Perez is now 4-1 with a 1.66 ERA. Plus, he looks like
he's got his shit together mentally. And more importantly, Gary
Shitfield is batting .227. Since that probably won't last very long,
live it up now people.
It
was four hours past his bedtime, but Jesse Orosco struck out Marcus
Giles to end the 16th inning and give the Dodgers a 6-5 win over
Atlanta on Tuesday night. Early on it was a Brian Jordan/Gary Sheffield
dual, each figuring prominently in their first game against their
former teams. Jordan hit two solo shots, and Sheffield hit a game-tying
homer in the bottom of the ninth off of fat Goggle-Boy, who better
soon realize that he can't groove a fastball to a hitter like Sheffield.
Giovanni Carrara, who pitched five scoreless innings in relief despite
turning deep red and sweating profusely, picked up the win. And
how did the Dodgers score the eventual winning run? A botched double-play
grounder. Typical.
After
being shut out only eight times all of last year, the Dodgers were
shut out for the sixth time this season by the Cubs on Sunday, and
have now been blanked more than any other team in baseball. The
Dodgers' piece of shit offense managed only four hits and never
mounted a real threat (unless you call Alex Cora pinch-hitting a
threat). Dodger batters struck out eight times and popped-up on
the first pitch pretty much every other at-bat. One other thing:
Aren't we all a bit tired of hearing how Maury Wills is mentoring
Dave Roberts? It's obviously not working, so let's just shut the
fuck up.
Adrian
Beltre singled home the winning run in the bottom of the fourteenth
inning, giving the Dodgers a 3-2 win over the Reds and preventing
a Cincinnati sweep. The Dodgers scored only four runs in the series,
and blew countless chances, but once again have their pitching to
thank. Thursday night Odalis Perez continued to impress, pitching
eight strong innings, and Dodger relievers combined to retire the
last 17 Reds batters. Since we don't want to end on a positive note,
however, we'll end with this: the Dodgers lead the NL in grounding
into double-plays.