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> MAY 2005 May
31, 2005 -
Cubs 2, Dodgers 1
May
30, 2005 -
Cubs 5, Olmedo 3
May
28, 2005 -
Diamondbacks 5, Dodgers 4
May
27, 2005 -
Dodgers 7, Diamondbacks 4
May
26, 2005 -
Dodgers 6, Giants 4
May
25, 2005 -
Giants 10, Dodgers 2
May
22, 2005 -
Dodgers 6, Angels 2
May
21, 2005 -
Angels 3, Dodgers 1
May
20, 2005 -
Angels 9, Dodgers 0
May
19, 2005
Arte Moreno and the Angels fit every definition of the word. They feed on the City of Los Angeles for fans but contribute nothing to its well-being. They've taken advantage of the Dodgers' generosity by grabbing guys like Mike Scioscia and Steve Finley, and all the Dodgers get in return are guys like Dennis Springer and Larry Barnes. They live off the wealth of the county to the north, posting billboards aimed at sucking the entertainment dollars from the pockets of Los Angelenos. And, most obvious of all, they attend frequent dinners in Sparta and Cornith. Not only should the Dodgers refuse to post 'LAA' on the stadium scoreboard, they should go as far as to replace it with 'PAR'. Don't be surprised if you see Arte Moreno walking around Dodger Stadium this weekend like he owns the place. Don't be surprised if the Angels trot onto the field wearing their home uniforms. And don't be surprised if the outfield wall is painted red by the time the weekend is over. The more we think about the whole thing, it wouldn't hurt for someone to keep an eye on Randy Newman. He could very well be the Angels' next target. Rolling down... Katella Avenue... May
17, 2005 -
Dodgers 14, Marlins 5
May
16, 2005 -
Marlins 6, Dodgers 2
May
15, 2005 -
Braves 5, Dodgers 2
May
13, 2005 -
Dodgers 7, Braves 4
May
12, 2005 -
Cardinals 10, Dodgers 3
Lesson
#1: Touching the goddamn base Lesson
#2: There's no crying in baseball Lesson
#3: Making plays at the plate Lesson
#4: Drawing a throw Lesson
#5: Pitching with an 0-2 count Lesson
#6: D.J. would probably be better as a deejay Lesson
#7: You're allowed to hit with two outs Well, that concludes the lesson for today. If someone could please remind Steve Schmoll that there'll be a quiz tomorrow, we'd appreciate it. May
11, 2005 -
Cardinals 9, Dodgers 3
May
10, 2005 -
Dodgers 9, Cardinals 8
May
9, 2005 -
Pujols 4, Dodgers 2
May
8, 2005 -
Dodgers 9, Reds 3
May
6, 2005 -
Dodgers 13, Reds 6
May
4, 2005 -
Nationals 5, Dodgers 2
May
3, 2005 -
Dodgers 4, Nationals 2
May
2, 2005 -
Nationals 6, Dodgers 2
May
1, 2005 -
Dodgers 2, Rockies 1
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One run, one hit, one error. One more loss. One more useless rookie.
One more terrrible decision by Jim Tracy. One more game further
back in the standings. One day closer to Opening Day 2006. One more
reason to become a Kansas City Royals fan. The Dodgers' struggles
continued in a big way on Tuesday, as Carlos Zambrano and two Chicago
relievers completely shut them down. Cesar Izturis' bloop double
(that probably shouldn't have dropped) in the third inning accounted
for the Dodgers' only hit, knocking in Hee Seop Choi, who had reached
base only because he struck out on a pitch so crappy that it went
to the backstop. The Cubs scored only one run off Brad Penny in
eight innings, but got to Yhency Brazoban in the 10th. Rick-E Ledee
didn't help matters by failing to field an easy one-hopper that
most grandmothers could have gloved. It was just Ledee's second
error in the last three years, but he picked a hell of a time for
it. Of course, just to fuck with the 4,000 Dodger fans still at
the stadium, the Dodgers put the tying run on base to start the
bottom of the 10th. That's when Jim Tracy opted to have Hee Seop
Choi bunt Antonio Perez to second. Sacrifices are great and all,
but when it leaves you with just two chances to tie the game, you've
got to think twice... especially if one of those chances is in the
person of Mike Rose, a guy making his first major league start.
If you're hell bent on Choi sacrificing, you pinch hit Jason Phillips
for Rose. If you're not going to pinch hit for Rose, you don't have
Choi sacrifice. Tracy, however, didn't wake up and smell the Rose.
Choi bunted, Rose popped out, and it was all left up to Olmedo Saenz,
whose testicles Tracy likes to caress on a regular basis. If that
guy says one more thing about Saenz being a "professional hitter,"
we're going to light the Think Blue sign on fire. A professional
hitter? Ten hitters on the team are making over a million dollars
a year, and Saenz is the only professional hitter? Christ...
no wonder the Dodgers are six and a half games back.
If there was a positive for the Dodgers on Monday night, it was
that an opposing pitcher didn't hit a home run. Unfortunately, three
other guys did, and the Cubs beat the Dodgers, 5-3. Wilson Alvarez,
who is rapidly showing signs that his career is coming to a close
(unlike his pants), gave up a bomb to the first batter he faced
and then yielded two more over five innings. Alvarez has now given
up 117 home runs in his last 12 innings pitched (two short of the
major league record set by Scott Erickson earlier this season).
The Dodgers only left four guys on base, but blew a chance to get
back in the game in the eighth inning. With two on and nobody out,
Jayson Werth grounded into an easy double play. Perhaps his concentration
was thrown off because of the TOOTHPICK he was chewing on while
he stood at the plate. Did he just come back from Sizzler? Is he
suddenly concerned about dental hygiene? Or is he just insane? Hell,
for all we know, it might not even have been a toothpick—could
have been a piece of bench he bit off last week. Toothpick or bench,
the Dodgers are well on their way to becoming the .500 team we all
expected. When they win two games against the Brewers later this
week, keep it in your pants.
You've got to figure it would take a lot to overshadow a stolen
base and diving catch by Shawn Green. Turns out that it only took
a couple things: Duaner Sanchez's two brain cells. With the Dodgers
leading 4-2 in the 7th inning, and Derek Thompson in line for his
first major league win, Sanchez lost his mind. (After all, when
something is very small, it's easy to lose.) Luis Terrero blooped
one high over the mound, and when Sanchez realized he wouldn't be
able to reach the ball, he did what any scummy 9-year-old would
do, tossing his glove in the air. Amazingly enough (and we do give
him credit for accuracy), the glove snared the ball, and both fell
to the ground. Sanchez tossed the ball to first, but too late to
get Terrero. While Jeff Kent stood and laughed, Terrero was sent
to third base. The humor was quickly lost when Chad Tracy's grounder
scored Terrero. Obviously shaken by his own stupidity, Sanchez then
gave up a game-tying home run to Luis Gonzalez. Oh, it wasn't Gonzalez?
Must have been Troy Glaus? No, it wasn't Glaus? Well, Shawn Green
then? No, it wasn't Green? Oh, that's right... it was the pitcher.
Sanchez gives up a game-tying blast to Javier Goddamn Vazquez. What's
wrong, Duaner? Couldn't knock that one down with your glove? Friggin'
ridiculous. And it didn't get any better. Cesar Izturis failed to
get a bunt down in the 9th, Jeff Kent couldn't catch a throw to
first, and Giovanni Carrara walked in the winning run. Wonder if
Derek Thompson's dad was using his disposable camera to take pictures
of that shit.
Friday
night marked the first time in a month that the Dodgers won consecutive
games. It also marked the third time in about two weeks that a questionable
move by Jim Tracy was nullified by timely Dodger offense. With the
Dodgers leading 4-2 in the bottom of the seventh, Tracy pulled Derek
Lowe after he allowed a bloop single with one out. Lowe had made
only 94 pitches, didn't look tired, and wasn't being hit particularly
hard. However, switch-hitter Tony Clark was up for Arizona, and
Jim Tracy wanted him to bat right-handed. In fact, having Clark
bat righty was more important to Tracy than who'd be on the mound
pitching to him. So douche-face brings in Kelly Wunsch. First pitch,
gone. Game tied. Wait, wait... let's get this straight... you mean
Tracy's strategy backfired? Imagine that. Worse than even putting
in a lefty to face a lefty, Tracy was putting in a lefty to simply
to turn a guy around. Rather than have Lowe—pretty much your
goddamn ace—pitching to Clark batting lefty, he chose Wunsch
pitching to Clark batting righty. Lame and unnecessary... yet so
typical. Also typical was the way the Dodgers came back and bailed
their manager out. Olmedo Saenz came up with a clutch 2-run homer
in the top of the eighth, and the Dodgers went on to beat Arizona,
7-3. Sweeter than that was the fact that Craig Counsell made the
final out. Rat Boy had Derek Lowe so repulsed in the first inning
that Lowe balked on consecutive pitches and then gave up a two-run
homer. Counsell was on base three times on Friday and has something
like a .600 on-base percentage against the Dodgers this season—to
go along with his undiagnosed case of Tourette's Syndrome. Scrawny
freak.
What
does it say about Edwin Jackson when the Dodgers—in search
of someone to pitch on Saturday—pass him up for a currently
disabled Double-A pitcher with cadaver cartilage in his knees? More
importantly, what does it say about the Dodgers when they're facing
the Arizona Diamondbacks and the best guy they can find to throw
is a currently disabled Double-A pitcher with cadaver cartilage
in his knees? Not looking good for the Dodgers. Not looking good
for Edwin Jackson. Not looking good for anyone really... well, except
maybe Derek Thompson (the currently disabled Double-A pitcher with
cadaver cartilage in his knees). After searching Mexican leagues,
local high schools, and homeless shelters for a pitcher, the Dodgers
announced Thursday that Thompson would start on Saturday against
Arizona. Thompson, the Darren Dreifort of the minor leagues, admits
that his knee is only at about 75%—which means there's a 95%
chance that his ACL will pop out of his leg while pitching to Shawn
Green. Awesome. In brighter news, the Dodgers overcame a Yhency
collapse on Thursday, beating the Giants 6-4. Antonio Perez had
four hits, Ricky Ledee had a big single in the ninth, and Eric Gagne
picked up his first save of the year (despite giving up two hits
and a run). The Dodgers win one of three and Jim Tracy is talking
about how it's a momentum builder. It's clear that the Dodger manager
has something in common with their new pitcher Derek Thompson...
only Tracy's cadaver cartilage isn't in his knees.
With
the Dodgers losing 10 of the last 13, we've got a question: Are
you really still watching? Sober? Without a gun to your head? It's
one thing to lose 10 of 13 games. It's quite another thing to just
get blown apart. It happened again on Wednesday, as Wilson Alvarez
made it clear from the outset that he's no starter. Alvarez, starting
in place of the injured Odalis Perez, gave up two bombs to the Giants
in the first inning, and six runs in just three innings. You could
see that Wilson was distracted by the huge Coke bottle in left field,
obviously imagining the size of a cheeseburger he could wash down
with 50,000 gallons of soda. Actually, watching Alvarez shove meat
patties in his mouth would be a lot less disturbing than watching
Jeff Kent hit. Or Buddy Carlyle pitch. Or Jim Colborn walk to the
mound, inevitably to say something that only makes matters worse.
Tuesday marked the return of Jayson Werth, but unless he learned
to pitch when he was in Vegas, he's not going to make much of a
difference. Speaking of differences, is there a difference between
pouring hot glue in your eyes and watching Dodger baseball? No.
The
Dodgers finally won a game on Sunday, and if you listen to a lot
of people, Jim Tracy deserves all the credit. Why? Because he moved
a struggling J.D. Drew up to the #2 spot in the lineup. Since Drew
responded with two hits and two RBIs, Tracy is apparently an early
favorite for Manager of the Year. Really takes some imagination
and guts to move a guy one spot higher in the lineup... really changes
the whole complexion of the game. Instead of Choi batting second
and Drew third, it's the other way around. Truly an incredible move.
Maybe if Tracy bats Paul Bako seventh instead of eighth, he'll hit
40 home runs. There's no telling how baseball history might be forever
changed by Tracy's brilliance on Sunday. The win, of course, had
nothing to do with the fact that Derek Lowe gave up just two early
runs, nothing to do with the fact that Ricky Ledee and Jason Phillips
homered, nothing to do with the fact that Cesar Izturis had another
multi-hit game, and nothing to do with the fact that Yhency Brazoban
and Eric Gagne pitched a perfect final two innings. It doesn't take
a genius to see that.
If
you're looking for excitement these days, try walking down the aisles
of Office Depot. Maybe read something written by Homer. Or try tearing
up the phonebook and then taping the pages back together. Whatever
you do, just don't watch a Dodger game. After being shut out on
Friday, the Dodgers came back to score just a single run on Saturday,
losing 3-1. Swept in the Freeway Series by the Angels, the Dodgers
are on the verge of suffering an embarrassing repeat—to a team
missing their two biggest hitters. The game was typical not just
in the Dodgers' inability to score, but in fan behavior, too. During
the bottom of the 6th inning, security had to tackle a guy running
across the field. While the guy didn't seem to have evil intentions
(obviously just trying to escape the stadium before having to see
the Dodgers go down in order yet again), it's time to set an example.
The next time someone runs on the field, here's what happens: First,
he's beaten over the head with an Olmedo Saenz bat. (In fact, let
Olmedo do the beating.) Next, he's dragged onto the infield dirt
where each player is then allowed to either spike him in the mouth
with their cleats or piss on the guy's clothes. After that, he's
chained to Jim Tracy until the end of the game, upon which time
he's forced to watch Brad Penny take bunting practice. Finally,
after washing Manny Mota's underpants, he gets a ride to jail from
Rick Monday. You want people to stop running on the field? There's
the solution.
Back
in Spring Training it looked like Scott Erickson was giving it everything
he had. Apparently he was, because he's got nothing left.
He hung around for just an inning and two-thirds on Friday night,
giving up four runs to Anaheim before he was mercifully pulled.
It's always a little pathetic when a guy leaves the mound in the
second inning. It's even more pathetic when you know he might be
leaving it for the final time. Erickson's only saving grace is that
the Dodgers aren't exactly brimming with tons of 5th starter options—and
right now he's not even doing that much worse than anyone else on
the staff. (He does, however, have a much squarer head.) After Friday,
Erickson's ERA is a plump 7.22. If he makes it to 7/22, it would
be a miracle. He's obviously afraid to challenge anyone, and you
can't blame him since he gets torn apart every time he does. It's
one thing for fans to lose confidence in a guy, but when a pitcher
loses confidence in himself, that's it... it's over. Especially
if you're throwing in the mid 70's. What's scary is that Erickson
didn't even have the worst Dodger outing on Friday. That honor belonged
to Kelly Wunsch, who pitched a third of an inning and allowed three
runs. Wunsch, of course, might want to share the honor with Yhency
Brazoban, who followed him by immediately walking in a run and then
giving up a slam to Juan Rivera. Apparently Yhency misses being
the closer. Since he's returned to the setup role, he's given up
6 runs in less than three innings. It's all meaningless, though,
until the Dodgers learn how to score a few runs. They failed miserably
on Friday, and aside from their 14-run abberation on Tuesday, haven't
really been hitting well all month. Kind of explains why they're
dropping in the standings as fast as a lactose intolerant kid in
a pizza-eating contest drops anchor. Whatever the hell that means.
What
do Arte Moreno, the neighbor who steals your electricity, and the
worm in your small intestine all have in common? They're goddamn
parasites. The dictionary gives a couple of definitions for 'parasite':
Busting
out of their little funk (at least for a day), the Dodgers had nineteen
hits on Tuesday night and beat Florida, 14-5. Nineteen hits for
the Dodgers—none for J.D. Drew. While Cesar Izturis tied a
career high with five hits, Olmedo Saenz had a career-high 5 RBIs,
and Jason Grabowski had a season-high 1 hit, Drew struck out four
times. What the hell does he care, though... he's got a 21-year-old
wife. But back to the Dodgers' offensive outburst, their biggest
of the season. Fourteen runs was just enough to restore some faith
in the team... faith in knowing that they're capable of scoring
first... faith in knowing that they're capable of scoring enough
runs to negate the Tracy factor... faith in knowing that Jason Repko
wasn't just a two week flash in the pan... and faith in knowing
that every twelve games or so they'll do something entertaining.
Next entertaining game: Tuesday, May 31st.
As
a Dodger fan, you can always count on three things: (1) an annual
increase in the cost of parking, (2) fewer prizes each Fan Appreciation
Day, and (3) former Dodgers coming home to beat the shit out of
their old team. Monday, it happened yet again. Paul Lo Duca, Juan
Encarnacion, and Lenny Harris all helped to easily put away the
lowly Dodgers, 6-2. Lo Duca doubled and singled, Encarnacion homered
and tripled, and Harris—now 73 years old—had a pinch-hit
single to drive in a run. Meanwhile, Brad Penny was also facing
his former team, but when was the last time a Dodger had a big game
against his old team? Maybe in 1989 when Kal Daniels doubled against
the Reds. The pattern held true last week when J.D. Drew went 4-for-24
against the Cardinals and Braves, his old teams. More of the same
on Monday, as Penny got lit up by his old teammates for nine hits,
including two home runs in the first four innings. Dodger pitchers
have now given up nine home runs in the last three games. Amazingly,
D.J. Houlton has allowed none of them. While that's a surprise,
there's one thing that's not: Jim Tracy's daily disaster. Monday,
it was his decision to pull Hee Seop Choi with the tying runs on
base and two out in the 7th inning. With lefty Matt Perisho on the
mound, Tracy (who we're now convinced is actually a robot) immediately
went for the right-handed batter, Olmedo Saenz. Choi is the Dodgers'
hottest hitter, and Tracy plays the percentages. You want some more
percentages? Percent of the time that Jim Tracy is a jackoff: 100.
Percent of the time that Jim Tracy owns up to his mistakes: 0. Percent
of the time that Jim Tracy makes us vomit onto our $8 beer: 78.
(The other 22 percent of the time the vomit ends up on the little
girl in the next row.)
Even
though they've been playing rather poorly for a couple weeks, the
Dodgers had somehow managed to hang on to first place... until Sunday,
that is. Their 5-2 loss to Atlanta, combined with Arizona and San
Diego victories, has not only dropped them out of first, but out
of second too. Proceed to third place, they've been told—do
not stop at second. Finally being tested by some good teams, the
Dodgers are failing. After scoring just a run on Saturday, the Dodgers
didn't do much better on Sunday, scoring just two runs despite 9
hits, a walk, a hit batter, and two Atlanta fielding errors. Their
biggest chance was in the 6th inning when they loaded the bases
with two out. With the game tied and Tim Hudson on the mound, it
was a huge at-bat. Up stepped Oscar Robles, the 155-lb third baseman
who was 1-for-16 since joining the Dodgers. Considering the fact
that Robles has looked like, oh, total crap at the plate, here's
a thought: pinch-hit for the putz. You've got Mike Edwards to play
third, so there's absolutely no reason to keep Robles in the game
(or on the roster, but that's another story). Jim Tracy, however,
decided to let Robles hit. Atlanta pitching coach Leo Mazzone made
a quick visit to the mound—presumably to tell his pitcher that
Robles is actually just paper mache in the shape of a baseball player—and
four pitches later, the Braves were out of the inning. Let's jump
to the bottom of the 9th. One out. Bases empty. Tracy puts in Olmedo
Saenz pinch hit for Robles. Now? In the 9th goddamn inning? With
the bases empty? Utterly retarded... yet quite typical of a
guy who manages a third place team.
The
Dodgers might not be the greatest team, but they certainly do have
a knack for saving Jim Tracy's ass. On Friday night, it was Milton
Bradley who came to the rescue. Leading 2-0 in the eighth, Tracy
pulled his usual—sticking with a starting pitcher too long.
By the time Jeff Weaver had loaded the bases in the eighth inning,
he had made 115 pitches. Weaver was brilliant for most of the game—keeping
the Braves hitless until the 6th inning—but it was obvious
he was tiring. Half the pitches he made in the eighth inning came
closer to hitting batters than they came to crossing the plate.
Yet, Weaver was left in the game to face Chipper Jones with two
guys on base. He should have been sitting in the dugout, but he
walked Jones on four pitches. Now Tracy has a second chance to pull
Weaver. But he doesn't. Half the guys in the bullpen had been warming
up by that point, but Tracy sticks with his guy. And Adam
LaRoche sticks one into the right field pavilion. Suddenly, the
Dodgers are deflated and the Braves are up 4-2. Their grand slam
euphoria, however, was to be short-lived. With two-outs and the
bases loaded in the bottom of the eighth, Milton Bradley returned
the favor, driving a Chris Reitsma pitch deep into the right field
stands. Crossing home plate, Bradley had so much adrenaline pumping
through his body that it looked as if he might rip off his own arms.
(Thankfully he didn't, saving the bat boy from having to clean up
the bloody mess.) Once again, god bless that dude's passion. (Passion,
insanity... whatever you want to call it, we love it.) It was Bradley's
second home run of the game and third in two days. It also woke
up the Dodger hitters, who followed with three more hits, finally
realizing (thanks, of course, to our lesson yesterday) that an inning
isn't over just because there are two outs on the scoreboard. Let's
not, however, let the excitement of the bottom of the eighth cloud
the real issue: the fact that Jim Tracy's is a twit. After the game,
in reference to leaving Weaver in, Tracy insipidly repeated, "Why
would you take him out? Why would you take him out? Why would you
take him out?" Well, Jim, here's why: The idea is to win the
game, not reward a guy for pitching seven great innings. Douche.
Not
that it's much of a surprise (at least not to geniuses like us),
but the Dodgers are playing terrible baseball. Their pitching is
poor. Their hitting is weak. Their defense is sketchy. Thursday
afternoon, all of their deficiencies were perfectly in synch, leading
to a rather embarrassing 10-3 loss to the Cardinals. As the Dodgers
made one mistake after another, it became painfully obvious that
the guys really need to hit the books. 
Note
to all non-Korean Dodgers: feel free to give Hee Seop a little bit
of help. The dude can't do it by himself. Choi had three more hits
on Wednesday, but the Dodgers couldn't muster much off Jeff Suppan
and a couple of St. Louis relievers, losing 9-3. The game was close
until the fifth, when things turned turned to feces for the Dodgers.
With two guys on and nobody out in the top of the inning, the Dodgers
had the middle of their order coming up and seemed poised to break
the game open. Two strikeouts and a ground out later, however, the
Dodgers had blown the chance. Within minutes, Brad Penny had fallen
apart (grooving an 0-2 pitch to friggin' Suppan) and suddenly the
Dodgers were down 6-3. Enter Steve Schmoll and D.J. Houlton, and
the Dodgers fell behind by six. This Houlton guy is bad news. He's
given up 12 hits in his last three innings and always seems a bit
perplexed out there on the mound. Maybe he's perplexed over how
he's still on the roster. If that's the case, we can help him out:
he was a Rule 5 pick, meaning that if the Dodgers don't keep him
on the major league roster all season, they're required to offer
him back to Houston. Apparently the thought of losing such a promising,
young piece of crap frightens the Dodgers enough to put up with
his 7.94 ERA. Of course, If we were running the show, we'd
not only offer Houlton back to Houston (Houlton, Houston... Houston,
Houlton), we'd put a pretty little bow on his head, decorate him
with lights, and personally escort him to Minute Maid Field.
You
hear that sound coming from the GM's office at Dodger Stadium? No,
it's not the sound of a keyboard. It's the sound of Paul DePodesta
saying, "I told you so." Hee Seop Choi, the Dodgers' precious
acquisition at the trading deadline last season, is finally starting
to look like a major league baseball player. He's working pitchers
deep into the count, he's staying back on the ball, and—brace
yourselves—he's actually making contact. Tuesday, he knocked
in four runs, three on his sixth home run of the season—a sixth-inning
shot that capped the Dodgers' late-inning comeback. Like a 16-year-old
boy suddenly discovering that he has a penis, Choi has finally figured
out what to do with that piece of lumber in his hands. While praise
from Dodger Blues is usually the kiss of death (meaning Choi will
likely be down to .235 in about a week and a half), DePodesta is
undoubtedly relieved that the big dude is actually putting some
numbers on the board. Lest he get too comfortable, we've got a message
for Paul: Stop smiling and go find a goddamn third baseman. Third
base is not a position where you want a different guy every inning.
Tuesday, the start was given to Oscar Robles, the seventy-fourth
guy to play third for the Dodgers since Adrian Beltre left. Like
the previous seventy-three, Robles went 0-for-4. Nonetheless, the
Dodgers won a tough one, a game in which they were up by three and
then down by four. Aside from Choi's heroics, three other amazing
things happened: J.D. Drew made a sliding catch into the right field
wall (meaning he'll probably be sore for the next two weeks), Albert
Poo-Holes grounded into a huge double-play to end the eighth inning
(meaning he'll make up for it with 13 RBIs on Wednesday), and Scott
Erickson only gave up seven earned runs (instead of his usual eight).
Crazy shit. 
For
the first month of the season, the Dodgers faced some pretty lame
competition: San Diego, San Francisco, Colorado, Milwaukee, Cincinnati...
not exactly the best the league has to offer. On Monday, they faced
the Cardinals—a real baseball team. The result? A real loss.
Albert Pujols picked up where left off last October against L.A.,
hitting two homers and driving in all four of the Cardinals' runs.
Here's a new rule for Odalis Perez: walk that 300-pound monster.
Against Perez, Albert Pujols is 8-for-12 with 4 home runs and 11
RBI (not counting, of course, his HR off Perez in Game 1 of the
NLDS). Pujols, however, was only part of the problem on Monday.
The Dodgers struck out fifteen times, including thirteen against
St. Louis starter Mark Mulder. Strikeout fifteen came with two outs
in the 9th, as Milton Bradley—representing the tying run—stood
at the plate with the bat on his shoulder. Meanwhile, J.D. Drew
had to miss the game with the sniffles. It's not all bad news for
Dodger fans, though, as Norihiro Nakamura was designated for assignment
late Sunday. Nakamura was batting something like .022, and beyond
the stats, just seemed a little peculiar. Publicly, the Dodgers
say they hope Nakamura clears waivers so he can be sent to the minors.
Privately, they're busy shredding all evidence that he ever played
for the team.
A
day after falling to the lowly Reds, the Dodgers came back on Sunday
with a convincing 9-3 win. Assuming that Jason Phillips' mom is
still alive (sorry, there are just some things not worth wasting
the time to research), he gave her a hell of a Mother's Day present,
going 4-for-5 and hitting his first home run as a Dodger—a
grand slam in the 6th inning. While there's a good chance that Phillips'
mom can run faster than him, the Dodgers aren't complaining. We,
however, will complain. Just before Phillips went yard off
Eric Milton, the Dodgers had the bases loaded with nobody out. The
Reds were leading 2-1, and Olmedo Saenz had a 3-0 count. With Phillips
and Ricky Ledee due up, Saenz got the green light and swung, popping
up to short center. Hey, if you've got the pitcher or Mike Edwards
on deck, sure, go ahead and green light Olmedo on a 3-0 count. But
when you've got the 6 and 7 spots in the lineup waiting to hit,
that's a pretty poor move. Jason Phillips was kind enough to take
Jim Tracy off the hook, but we're not quite so kind... especially
considering that Tracy waited far too long on Saturday to give Derek
Lowe the hook. In fact, we'd like to take a hook and stick it in
Tracy's ear... just far enough to poke that tiny brain out the other
side. Put a drop of ketchup on it, and you'd have a nice little
hor dourve in some countries... or in some parts of Ohio.
Heading
into Cincinnati, the Dodgers had scored a total of 10 runs in their
previous four games. It took them about 25 minutes to score 10 runs
on Friday night. Reds' starter Paul Wilson failed to record an out,
and the first eight Dodger batters came around to score. The outburst
tied the team record for runs scored in a single inning, a feat
last accomplished by the Dodgers in September of 1977—right
around the time Brad Penny was being conceived. Penny was the beneficiary
of the Dodgers' mother inning on Friday, taking the mound in the
bottom of the first with a 10-run lead. To Penny's credit, you wouldn't
have known the score from the way he pitched. Aside from two walks
and a 6th inning single, the big boy was flawless. Hee Seop Choi,
the other big boy, had his first multi-homer game as a Dodger, proving
once again that home run swings aren't always pretty. It wasn't
fun and games for all the Dodgers, though. Jason Grabowski (0-for-1)
and Norihiro Nakamura (0-for-2) are each an at-bat or two from dipping
under the glorious .100 mark, and D.J. Houlton... well, he should
be on Southwest.com looking for flights to Vegas. (Although we'd
prefer Yemen.)
With
everything torn in Jose Valentin's knee, the Dodgers found themselves
short a moustache on Wednesday night. Even so, the seventh inning
was pretty hairy. With the score still 1-1, and Jose Vidro on first
for Washington, Vinny Castilla doubled to right-center. The throw
came in to Jeff Kent, who wheeled and threw home. (That was the
first problem—someone should have yelled at him to hold the
ball.) His throw bounced past Jason Phillips and then past Odalis
Perez, who was backing up the plate. (That was the second problem—Perez
was standing about 4 feet from home, making it useless to even be
there.) Perez then jogged over to pick up the ball and tossed it
to third, too late to get Castilla. (That was the third problem—Perez
didn't seem to be in any hurry to retrieve the ball, blowing any
chance he might have had to get Vinny the Sloth lumbering into third.)
With the Dodger outfield seemingly moving in slow motion, the Nationals
went on to score three more runs in the 7th, putting the game out
of reach for the hapless Dodgers. Continuing their pathetic hitting,
the Dodgers had only four hits through the first seven innings,
and failed to score with the bases loaded in the fifth. Both runs
they scored were on ground ball outs. Speaking of out, Jose Valentin
is apparently gone until late July. Big deal. He was hitting .193,
and at best he's a mediocre third baseman. Norihiro Nakamura figures
to get the starting job for awhile, but it won't take more than
a few weeks for the Dodgers to look elsewhere. Nakamura is better
with the glove than Valentin, but he's a piece of crap hitter. Look
for Antonio Perez to steal the job from Nakamura, only to hit .180
and get replaced in July by Tim Wallach.
For
the first couple innings Tuesday, it looked like more of the same
for the Dodgers. Lifeless, they had just two hits entering the fourth
inning. Then, just about the time Dodger fans started getting to
the game, they broke through for a double, three singles, and a
walk, tying the score at two. A clutch double by Jason Phillips
in the 5th gave the Dodgers a two-run lead, and that was enough
to knock off Washington, 4-2. Blah, blah, blah. It's nice that they
won and all, but is it really worth writing about? Who the hell
cares about a 4-2 win unless the four runs are scored in the ninth,
someone hits for the cycle, or an outfielder gets hit by a car?
Call us malcontent, but Dodger games of late have become a goddamn
drag. Look at the scores of the last six Dodger games: 6-3, 6-3,
6-2, 2-1, 6-2, 4-2. Other than Sunday's 2-1 game that included a
9th inning beanball, there really hasn't been anything interesting
in more than a week. No unbelievable comeback victories, no 8-run
innings, no player tirades.... Wait, there's a police chase on Channel
2! Even better, it's right around the corner! Finally, the excitement
that's been missing! Screw the Dodgers—it's chase time! (We
can only hope that it's Jose Valentin they're chasing.)
On
Friday night, the Dodgers had five hits. On Saturday, they had six
hits. Sunday, they had four hits. The Dodgers aimed to break out
of their offensive slump on Monday against the Washington Nationals,
but things didn't quite go as planned. For the second consecutive
day, they managed just four hits. If you're not good with numbers,
we'll do the math: thirty-six innings, nineteen hits. That's like
two hits a game. (Hey, shut up, you're not good at math.) Monday,
their offensive woes spoiled six scoreless innings from Scott Erickson.
Actually, Erickson spoiled those innings himself by failing to field
a bunt in the seventh inning, eventually leading to a couple of
Washington runs. The Nationals then scored two in the eighth off
Steve Schmoll and two in the ninth off Buddy Carlyle, more than
enough to put the Dodgers to sleep. Sweet dreams, bastards.
As
games go, Sunday's wasn't the most enthralling... until the ninth
inning, that is. Through the first eight, the Dodgers had just four
hits; the Rockies six. The Dodgers two runs; the Rockies one. The
Dodgers had left ten guys on base; the Rockies five. Then Yhency
Brazoban entered the game. Brazoban walked Brad Hawpe to begin the
ninth, and then faced pinch-hitter Luis Gonzalez. Whether Gonzalez
had just dipped the handle of his bat in a tub of Vaseline or Brazoban
simply had him fooled we'll never know, but we do know this: Gonzalez
lost his grip on the bat three times, twice sending it hurling toward
Brazoban. The third time, as he struck out with Hawpe stealing second,
Gonzalez was called for interference. (Well, officially he was called
for interference; unofficially he was called for just being a moron.)
With the interference call, the bases were suddenly empty with two
outs—the perfect scenario for Yhency's Revenge. Up stepped
Dustan Mohr, batting .167. With the crowd still energized from Gonzalez's
bat-tossing display, Yhency drilled Mohr in the back with a fastball.
You've got to love a pitcher who fights back. You toss your fucking
bat at me? I'll toss a 93-mph fastball at your lucky teammate. Beautiful.
As for the Dodgers, who managed to win with fewer hits than the
Rockies for the third consecutive game, things are slightly more
encouraging than they were a few days ago. Beating the Rockies is
certainly no cause for celebration, but losing to them would have
been definite cause for panic. (Don't worry, there'll be cause for
panic soon enough.)