> NOVEMBER 2003

November 30, 2003
A twitch away from the Hall

The 2004 Hall of Fame ballot was released Saturday by the Baseball Writers' Association of America, and there is no bigger name on the ballot than Jim Eisenreich. With a twitch here and a curse there, Eisenreich battled for 15 seasons in the majors, his career coming to an end in Los Angeles (where most lousy careers end). Should Eisenreich recieve enough votes to be elected—and there's no reason why he shouldn't—it's a good bet that he'll go into the Hall as a Dodger. After all, in 75 games with the Dodgers, Jim hit .197 and scored a whopping 12 runs. He killed the Dodgers for most of his shitty career, and then turned to absolute crap once he put on the blue. Shocking. That's ok, though... it's not like the Dodgers gave up that much to get him. Just Mike Piazza. No big deal.

November 16, 2003
Evans/Beane transcript released

It began harmlessly enough a couple weeks ago. Oakland GM Billy Beane made a phone call to Dan Evans, asking for permission to interview Rick Honeycutt— one of the Dodger minor league pitching coordinators— for the position of Oakland pitching coach. According to reports, Evans eventually returned the call, granting Beane permission to interview Honeycutt. And then it got good. Paranoid about losing his job if Frank McCourt's purchase of the Dodgers is ever approved, Evans confronted Beane about rumors that he'd like to be the new GM in Los Angeles. "Rumor and speculation have a tendency to create insecurities. I'm not sure I was the best therapist," said Beane. So what exactly went down? Well, Dodger Blues has obtained (ok, created) the offical transcript of the Evans/Beane conversation. And here ya go:

Evans: Billy, this is Dan Evans... you called?

Beane: Yes. I'd like to have permission to interview Rick Honeycutt.

E: No, fucker, you can't have my job.

B: Excuse me? I'm just looking to interview Rick Honeycutt. We'd like to see how he might fit into our coaching plans.

E: I know what you're getting at. I'm not stupid.

B: You sure about that? After all, you traded for Tyler Houston and Daryle Ward.

E: Well, you do have a point, but if you think you're taking my job, you're out of your mind. You're crazy. You're a goddamn lunatic, Beane. What's wrong with you, Beane? You've lost it, Beane. You're...

B: Dan, relax.

E: Relax? Relax? I.... I.... (crying)... I can't take it. I can't handle it... it's not fair. I'm the GM!! Me!!!

B: Not for long.

E: What? What did you say?

B: Um, I said you need pot for the bong.

E: Billy? (crying)

B: Yes, Dan?

E: Billy.... I'm scared.

B: Dan, go search Google for your balls.

E: Billy.... will you hold me?

B: Jesus christ, Dan. Straighten up your skirt, button your blouse, fix your lipstick, and go do your fucking job. At least until I take it.

Dial tone.

November 13, 2003
The new face of Cy Young

When a closer goes an entire season without a blown save, he'd better damn well win the Cy Young award. Justice was served on Thursday as Eric Gagne became the first reliever in 11 years to win the award. He also became the first pitcher to immediately eat the award. The big fatty received 28 of 32 first place votes, and beat Jason Schmidt by 73 points. Not bad for a guy who sucked enough ass a couple years ago for the Dodgers to offer the right-hander to Toronto for Paul Quantrill and Cesar Izturis. The Blue Jays instead took Luke Prokopec and his pet kangaroo, and the Dodgers—for maybe the only time in that last 20 years—got the better end of a deal. On Thursday, after the results of the voting were announced, the Baseball Hall of Fame requested Eric Gagne's cap, but changed their mind after deciding that the mold could spread to other pieces of memorabilia. Instead, the Hall will receive Gagne's belt, which has doubled in size since the 2000 season. So now what for the big boy? Well, with a Cy Young award and an agent named Scott Boras, Gagne will undoubtedly command a huge salary raise in arbitration. Then, if history proves correct, he'll go on to save a total of 32 games the rest of his career and be out of baseball by 2006.

November 7, 2003
Hoffman to Sox? We can only pray

With the Red Sox pursuing Glenn Hoffman as a possible replacement for recently-fired manager Grady Little, Dodger fans everywhere are thinking one thing: thank God. Everyone blamed the Dodger hitters for the team's pathetic offense in 2003, but Glenn Hoffman actually deserves a lot of the credit. By our calculations, Hoffman's coaching at third base cost the Dodgers about 700-800 runs. Too conservative, too aggressive, too dull... whichever way you want to go, Hoffman sucks. Sure, he gives a mean high-five to every Dodger who rounds third after hitting a home run (all three of them), but a monkey can be trained to do that. In fact, if Hoffman goes to the Sox, the Dodgers should put a monkey in his old uniform and let him coach third. Name the monkey Glenn, give him a banana, and send him out to the coaching box. Between innings, the monkey could even help Jim Tracy decide who to not get up in the bullpen. Of course, we might be getting excited for nothing. Shortly after being interviewed by the Red Sox, Hoffman explained his managerial philosophy to Boston reporters: "The bottom line is, throw the ball over the plate and get them out. It's catching and throwing and things like that." Yep, things like that.