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With
a swing and a miss by Wilkin Ruan on Sunday, the Dodgers' 2003 season
mercifully came to a close. Ten years ago, the Dodgers beat the
Giants 12-1 on the final day of the season to ruin their pennant
hopes. Sunday, the Giants kissed goodbye to the regular season by
crushing the Dodgers 12-3, though the Dodgers' pennant hopes were
dashed long ago. It would have been nice for the Dodgers to go out
on a high note, but this was more appropriate. Besides, there exists
no note high enough to lessen the frustration of the 2003 season.
(Well, Dan Evans' voice might be high enough, but no one wants to
hear that guy anymore.) So, the Dodgers end the season with 85 wins
and 77 losses, and miss the playoffs for the 47th straight year.
Is anyone still reading this? Does anyone still care? We sure as
hell don't. This web site is depressing and it's a goddamn burden.
That said, you can bet your ass that we'll carry you through the
winter, which is sure to be fun knowing that Evans and Tracy—barring
some sort of divine intervention—will be back next year. The
season may be over, but there is no end to the Blues.
Screwing
fans once again by taking away the only thing they still had to
cheer for, the Dodgers fucked up two possible save opportunities
for Eric Gagne on Saturday, splitting a double-header in San Francisco.
Leading 1-0 going into the ninth inning of game one, it looked like
an appearance by Goggle Boy was a sure thing. As long as the Dodgers
didn't score more than two runs in the ninth—and what were
the chances of that?—Gagne would have the opportunity to inch
closer to the major league save record. So what did the Dodgers
do? Score five. Sons of bitches. Of course, had Jim Tracy used his
brain and put in Jason Romano to pitch the bottom of the ninth,
Gagne might have been able to get a save after all. Instead, Gagne
was brought in to start the inning, and the Dodgers won 6-0. Then,
in game two, the Dodgers had a one-run lead in the 7th inning. Looking
good for Gagne. Well, not so fast. In a matter of minutes, Quantrill
and Mota tanked and the Dodgers were down 6-3. More embarassing,
however, was allowing Andres Gallaraga, the fattest slob in baseball,
to steal a base. That disgusting pig shouldn't even be able to beat
out a base hit to left, let alone steal a base. As bad as the Dodger
season has been, that, right there, was rock bottom.
The
Dodgers may be in San Francisco, but they're actually very close
to home—in third place. After the 10-1 beating they took Friday
night, the Dodgers are just a half game ahead of the Diamondbacks,
and with three games left, third place in the West is their's for
the taking. They didn't take the Wild Card, but third place... well,
that's a different story. The Dodgers have finished in third place
the past two seasons, and four of the last five. Another third place
finish would just be icing on the cake—a moldy cake from Albertsons,
that is. The Dodgers, however, reward mediocrity, and on Friday
announced that they're bringing back the coaching staff. Another
brilliant decision by an organization that's exuded nothing but
brilliance since Fox took over. The coaching staff has no personality,
no energy, no balls, and no successful track record. What's not
to like?
Since
you won't see that headline anywhere else for, oh, twenty years
or so, we thought we'd give you a sneak peak. Looks a little strange.
Doesn't really flow off the tongue. That's ok, though, you've got
a long time to practice. To take a beautiful line from Vin Scully
and mangle it: In a year so probable, the inevitable has happened.
Losing 6-1 to the Padres on Thursday night, the Dodgers were officially
eliminated from the Wild Card race. You'll probably hear Jim Tracy
say he's proud of his team, but let's get one thing straight: there's
isn't a goddamn thing to be proud of. Well, maybe Eric Gagne. This
was an absolutely pathetic season, and the entire organization should
be humiliated. Too bad no one cares other than the fans. And while
smart ones may have fully expected the team's failure, being prepared
doesn't make the disappointment any easier to take. It was, however,
an appropriate way for them to go out. Down by a run for eight innings,
the Dodgers did nothing but hit into double plays and leave guys
on base. Then, after the Padres scored five in the bottom of the
eighth, Jeromy Burnitz led of the ninth with a home run. Go blue.
Typical
day at the office. Dodger starter does well. Dodger bats do nothing.
Vin Scully shares details of Mark Loretta's childhood. Eric Gagne
picks up a save. And Jim Tracy, well, is Jim Tracy. With the score
tied and two on and two out in the top of the 10th inning, Tracy
sends up Joe Thurston to pinch hit. For a guy who keeps preaching
that the Dodgers are still in the race, sending up a September call-up
in that situation would suggest otherwise. It's amazing how "playing
the percentages" means turning off the brain. Thurston, to
no one's surprise, struck out. Nonetheless, the Dodgers came away
with a 2-1 victory—though, of course, it had more to do with
Padre mistakes than Dodger execution. With the bases loaded and
one out in the 11th, the Dodgers failed to break the game open,
settling instead for the easy run they were given by the generous
Padres. That run, however, turned out to be enough—despite
a shakey 11th inning by Gagne. Wait, this just in: it doesn't fucking
matter anyway.
The
Dodgers are only as good as their pitching—which explains why
they've lost 5 out of the last 7 games and are just a day or two
from official elimination. Brown, Nomo, and Ishii have all pitched
like crap in their most recent starts, and Odalis Perez continued
the trend by allowing four runs in the first inning Monday night.
Perez missed his last start with a broken nail, and was removed
after the first inning Monday with a blood blister, securing himself
the Mike Marshall Award for biggest Dodger puss. Rumor has it that
his sock was too tight also. Unfortunately, Perez's's's departure
didn't signal the end to the Padres' offensive fun. They ended up
collecting 16 hits and easily put away the Dodgers, 9-5. So, with
seven games left to play, the Dodgers are 3 1/2 back of the Marlins.
Not to panic, though, because according to Jim Tracy the Dodgers
are "still in it and still playing." Also according to
the Dodger manager, the space shuttle Columbia crew might still
be found alive. Tracy went on to say that record players could gain
popularity, predicted that Jessica Tandy will win another Oscar,
and promoted the power and flexibility of the Apple IIC.
While
back-to-back-to-back home runs and Eric Gagne's 53rd save were exciting,
it was the Avengers season tickets given away after the game that
really got fans pumped up. After a season full of Ron Coomer strikeouts,
Alex Cora pop-ups, Shawn Green double-plays, and genius Jim Tracy
moves, that's exactly what every fan wants: arena football tickets.
Oh, but it gets better. Hardly a single prize on Fan Appreciation
day was actually given away by the Dodgers. Real generous of the
Dodgers to give away prizes donated by the Bernie Mac Show, the
Clippers, and Burns Guitars. About all they contributed were autographed
Izturis and Beltre murals ripped off of a couple stadium columns—and
a pair of season tickets for the outer Loge level (which, appropriately
enough, went to a current season ticket holder sitting in aisle
47 of the Field level). Not even a pair of Daryle Ward's underpants
as we were promised all year long. And if the prizes themselves
weren't comical enough, the biggest joke came when audio difficulties
delayed the giveaway more than 15 minutes. Well, that's not true...
the biggest joke came when they tried to continue giving away prizes
by holding up winning ticket stubs to the camera. As embarassing
as the Dodgers have been during the season, it doesn't get more
pathetic than Rickey Henderson trying to hold a ticket stub up to
the camera while covering up half the information with his 80-year-old
fingers. For 15 miuntes, it was Fan Appreciation Day for the deaf.
Must have something to do with those deaf, dumb, and blind guys
who run the team.
On
noisemaker night at Dodger Stadium, the Dodgers were kind enough
to remain very quiet. The only sounds came from the Giants (who
scored six runs on thirteen hits) and from kids in the stands (who
were bashing each other over the head with the give-away thundersticks).
The Dodgers were shut out once again, and may we suggest to Dodger
management that they take their goddamn thundersticks and spend
all winter shoving them up their asses. How's it possible that each
Dodger game is worse than the one before? And how's it possible
that Shawn Green is still hitting .274 when he feebly grounds out
to first base ELEVEN TIMES A GAME? He's got to be sleeping with
someone who keeps the statistics. And we do mean sleeping.
Meanwhile, Marquis Grissom goes 4-for-5—and is quite possibly
darker than he was last year. Oh, relax. If we can say that Andy
Ashby is whiter than ever, we can say that Grissom is darker than
ever. Besides, what the hell else are we supposed to write about?
What a goddamn disaster.
Like
a crippled deer wandering into the forest to die, the Dodgers appear
resigned that their season is over. They took another step toward
that reality on Friday night, repeatedly failing to come through
in the clutch, and losing to the Giants, 6-4. The Dodgers managed
eleven hits—which ordinarily might inspire confidence—but
these are the Dodgers we're talking about. Those eleven hits were
spread nicely over the nine innings, and they made sure not to get
two in a row. After all, two hits in a row might constitute a rally,
and players with all intentions of being home in October have no
business starting a rally—which might explain why they insist
on swinging at the first pitch. The quicker they make out, the sooner
they go home. Fuckholes. Anybody want to suggest to them that they
might want to take a pitch or two? Is it too much to ask to have
some goddamn coaches who, um, coach? There isn't an ounce of talent,
energy, or passion among the entire coaching staff. Shelby? Riggleman?
Hoffman? Tracy? These guys could bore a goddamn chair to death.
You think there's any chance they inspire their players? They've
got to go. All of them. And they can take Hundley, Coomer, McGriff,
Cora, Burnitz.... well, there's no point listing everyone. With
not a single guy in the lineup whose at-bats fans can actually look
forward to, it's no wonder that most of the team photos that were
given out Friday were turned into deadly paper airplanes. Watching
Paul Lo Duca pop-up on the first pitch: not amusing. Watching a
2-pound piece of cardstock nosedive into a 65-year-old woman's head:
amusing.
When
Eric Gagne was summoned to start the eighth inning Thursday night,
Dodger fans everywhere sighed a collective "Oh shit, here we
go." It's no secret that Gagne doesn't pitch like Gagne
when he's brought into an unfamiliar situation—meaning anything
other than a clean 9th inning save opportunity—and Thursday
was no exception. The guy is setting new save records every other
day, so you can't really slam the guy, but you also can't deny the
fact that he's not the same pitcher if it isn't the ninth. After
seven brilliant innings by Wilson Alvarez—continuing his return
from the dead—Gagne was assigned the task of finishing the
game, and immediately got into trouble. But just when it looked
like his streak was about to die, Green and Cora combined to nail
Craig Counsell at the plate—and there's nothing more enjoyable
than watching that rat-faced twelve-year-old get thrown out. Spastic
freak. While half the stadium thought the game was over after Gagne
then struck out Junior Spivey to end the eighth, there was another
inning of trouble still to come. Gagne got through it, however,
and notched his 60th straight save. Coincidentally, it'll also be
the 60th straight year that the Dodgers miss the playoffs.
Why
should anything be different just because it's late September and
the season is on the line? Well, we don't have to answer that question
because nothing is different. Good pitching, shitty offense,
Dodgers lose. Even with the Dodgers' consistently amazing pitching
(on Wednesday, it was Edwin Jackson again), three hits is not going
to win a game—especially if one of those hits is nullified
by a certain third baseman who decided that it was a good idea to
try stretching a 9th inning base hit into a double. No matter, though,
even if Beltre had stayed at first where he belonged, what are the
chances that Burnitz or Cora would have come through? That was a
rhetorical question, but we'll answer it anyway: NOT TOO FUCKING
GOOD. The Dodgers were officially eliminated from the Western Division
race Wednesday, and elimination from the Wild Card can't come soon
enough. The longer they drag it out, the more painful it'll be,
so let's just get it over with. Thankfully, they seem to be cooperating,
losing the last two games and looking like a team who has no interest
in being on a baseball field come October. Shocking that the Dodgers
didn't sell out their Division Series tickets, which went on sale
this past weekend. People in Los Angeles are indeed stupid, but
apparently not as stupid as the Dodgers had hoped. Meanwhile, Wilkin
Ruan just collects dust on the bench. Such a shame.
In
their 3-2 loss to the Diamondbacks on Monday, the Dodgers showed
very little fire. Jim Tracy showed even less. After a close play
in the 7th inning didn't go the Dodgers' way, Tracy trotted out
towards first and had a few words with umpire Mark Carlson. It was
clear from the moment he stepped out of the dugout that it was one
of Tracy's "just for show" arguments. It's Jim's attempt
to show everyone that he actually cares. Only problem is that he
doesn't—or just hasn't got a clue how to show it. His intentions
are good, but his execution is just embarrassing. After briefly
arguing with Carlson, Tracy pulled out first base, walked about
10 feet up the line, and neatly set the base on the ground. That's
it? That's the tantrum? He's going to waste an ejection for that?
A real MANager picks up that base, tosses the goddamn thing across
the field, and then wildly kicks dirt. Tracy isn't a MANager. He's
a WOMANager. Someone desperately needs to sign Tracy up for Lou
Pinella's offseason tantrum lessons. The only reason anyone in the
stands cheered his antics was that there wasn't anything else in
the game to cheer about. The Dodgers got nine hits, but all were
poorly timed and they left seven guys on base. Dodger pinch-hitters
were 0-for-4, and Ron Coomer's game-ending at-bat was absolutely
disgraceful. Where's Wilkin Ruan when you need him?
For
Wilson Alvarez, it's all in the numbers. Runs allowed on Friday
night: zero. Number of hits allowed: four. Innings pitched: nine.
Number of years since his last shutout: six. Number of years since
his last sit-up: sixteen. In a game the Dodgers desperately needed
to win—oh, who are we kidding, they need to win EVERY game—Alvarez
pitched a gem and the Dodgers beat San Diego, 6-0. Since being recalled
on June 7, Alvarez is 5-1 with a 2.16 ERA. That's pretty astounding
considering the last five years of his career have been a complete
disaster and he's in the physical condition of a motorhome. Also
astounding is that Shawn Green has suddenly regained his power stroke
after disclosing that his shoulder is shitty. With a first-inning
homer on Friday, Green has now hit four home runs in the last week.
That's hardly a sign that he's healthy, but it's a clear indication
that the guy can't play under pressure. With the pressure now off
and the expectations low, Green's beginning to do alright. Too bad
he didn't make his revelation back in May. It's also too bad that
Wilson Alvarez keeps stealing Shawn's dinner.
Three
days ago it looked like the Dodgers were headed in the right direction.
They had won five in a row. Their bats had come alive. They were
just a game and half back in the Wild Card race. Today, however,
it's a different story, as the only thing consistent about the Dodgers
is their inconsistency. They've lost two in a row, scored one run
in the last 18 innings, and can't catch the ball. In other words,
they're the boring team we've grown accustomed to this season. Every
few weeks the Dodgers put together a few decent games, and Jim Tracy
talks proudly of how the team has turned a corner. "Do I feel
good about the direction we're headed," Tracy will ask himself.
"Yes, yes I do. Do I think we still have work to do? Of course.
Did I make a solid bowel movement this morning? No, no I didn't."
Then, as quickly as they string together a few wins, they've fallen
apart again. Thursday, it was Arizona rookie Chris Capuano's turn
to embarrass the Dodgers. Like every other rookie that's faced them
this season, Capuano completely shut down the Dodgers, giving up
just three hits over seven innings. The Diamondbacks got all they
needed in the seventh when Adrian Beltre botched a grounder and
Shawn Green made a half-assed attempt to catch a line drive that
ended up going just over his outstretched glove. So, the Dodgers
are 3 1/2 games back, looking like shit, and about to face the last-place
Padres who figure to beat the crap out of them. Good times. Goodnight.
It
was no secret that the Dodger bullpen was overdue for a huge collapse,
but that doesn't make it any easier to take. The Dodgers were cruising
along in the bottom of the eighth Wednesday night, leading 4-0,
when Tom Martin decided to make things interesting. Walk to Mondesi.
Home run by Hillenbrand. Single by Overbay. Bautista hit by a pitch.
Enter Paul Quantrill. Enter Steve Finley. Exit baseball. Terrific.
Quantrill managed to groove one exactly where Finley likes it, and
the Arizona pinch-hitter lined it over the wall in right-center
to give the Diamondbacks a 5-4 lead and the eventual win. Normally,
with the tying run coming to the plate with two outs in the eighth,
you'd think a manager would bring in his closer, but Jim Tracy has
apparently learned his lesson. So while Eric Gagne may have 50 saves
and a shitload of records, how good a closer is he if they're afraid
to go to him before the 9th? With 18 games left in the season, and
the Wild Card leaders refusing to budge, Wednesday's loss was a
crushing defeat—but a typical one. The Dodgers don't end 5-game
winning streaks quietly—they do it with style. Very sharp.
Speaking of which, here's hoping Martin and Quantrill are attacked
by cacti.
On
paper, it didn't look good: A future hall-of-famer vs. a 20-year-old
straight from Double-A. Well, so much for paper. Edwin Jackson celebrated
his 20th birthday by pitching six strong innings for the Dodgers
and picking up his first major league win. The Big Ugly Unit, twice
his age, gave up four runs and lost his eighth of the year. More
satisfying than that, however, was watching Raul Mondesi strike
out twice against Jackson and then get caught looking at an Eric
Gagne curve to end the game. Unfortunately, Mondesi will probably
have a huge home run to kill the Dodgers sometime next week, so
let's live it up while we can. Also while we can—meaning before
he's fired—let's take a second to ask Jim Tracy a question:
Wilkin Ruan? Wilkin-friggin-Ruan? Yeah, we get it, Randy Johnson
is left-handed. But that's no excuse for putting Wilkin Ruan in
the starting lineup. Obviously Tracy's migraine headaches are causing
serious brain damage. You don't put a weak-hitting rookie with 46
career at-bats in the starting lineup... in September... against
Randy Johnson... when you've got plenty of more qualified guys on
the bench. Yeah, the Dodgers won, but Ruan struck out twice against
Johnson, including once with the bases loaded. Not a brilliant move.
And speaking of brilliance, how about Shawn Green's ninth inning
"diving" catch? It seems that Green either doesn't dive
when he should—pulling up a foot or two from where the ball
lands— or dives when he doesn't need to. He almost looks like
that kid in high school who slows up on a ball just to be able to
dive at the last minute. The only difference is that the high school
kid doesn't mind getting dirty. Green, on the other hand, appears
to be frightened that his mom is going to yell at him if he comes
home with stains on his uniform. After his ninth inning catch on
Tuesday night, Green hopped up off the ground practically before
he finished sliding. The longer the slide, the worse the stain.
Besides, there are bugs on the ground.
Cesar
Izturis was about to hit for the cycle, and we were happily going
to take full credit. Less than a day after Dodger Blues added the
Cesar 500 Home Run Countdown, Izturis hit his first of the season
Monday in Arizona. Coincidence? Not a chance. Izturis also had a
triple and single in his first three at-bats, leaving him just a
double short of the Dodgers' first cycle in 33 years. With the game
tied at three in the seventh, Izturis—after an eleven pitch
at-bat—lined one into the gap in right-center. Steve Finley
cut the ball off and threw to second, ahead of Izturis. The tag,
however, was high, and replays showed that Izturis had both hands
on the base. Still, second base umpire Tony Randazzo called Izturis
out, and now we'll probably have to go another 33 years hearing
about Wes Parker. Cycle or not, the Dodgers' bats were once again
alive—this time outside of Colorado. The Dodgers scored 10
runs on 14 hits, including Shawn Green's sixth career grand slam—his
second home run in two days that robbed Eric Gagne of a save situation.
Good timing, Shawn. Again.
After
forty games, Shawn Green's homerless streak is over. With the Dodgers
leading the Rockies 5-2 in the ninth inning Sunday, Green lifted
one into the first couple rows of the right field stands for his
14th homer of the season and first since July 21st. Truth be told,
Green was given credit for two home runs during that span, but neither
was convincing. One actually hit the bullpen fence, and the other—hit
Saturday—bounced off the top of the wall. So, while Green's
streak may have officially ended on August 19th, in the eyes of
Dodger Blues it was alive until Sunday. It figures, however, that
Green's streak-breaking homer was poorly timed, as it gave the Dodgers
a 4-run lead, taking away a save situation for Eric Gagne. Not to
worry, though. Thanks to Paul Shuey—who is beginning to pitch
once again like the Shuey of last season—Gagne was summoned
with two guys on in the 9th, struck out two, and picked up his 49th
save of the season. With 21 games left in the season, Gagne is just
seven saves shy the single-season record, held by Bobby Thigpen—or,
as Vin Scully called him, Bobby Thigporn.
Strange
things happen in the thin air of Coors Field, and Saturday was no
exception. Shawn Green hit a home run, Ron Coomer hit two, and Odalis
Perez got a pair of hits. Even Jason Romano singled. Crazy, crazy
shit. Yet, the Dodgers gained no ground in the Wild Card race, as
the Phillies beat the crappy Mets and the Marlins beat the hell
out of Montreal... or, uh, San Juan. Saturday, however, was all
about Ron Coomer. Getting a rare start, Coomer hit a solo homer
in the fourth inning and added a two-run shot in the seventh. Physicists
surmise that Coomer's gut—when in motion—generates enough
wind in the mile-high air to add 40 or 50 feet to a fly ball. In
fact, it's likely that Coomer was moving around enough in the dugout
during Shawn Green's first inning at-bat to help Green's drive clear
the wall. Oh wait, it didn't clear the wall. It hit the top of the
wall and just happened to bounce over. Bum shoulder or not, that's
no legitimate home run. Sure he's in pain, but he gets no break
from us. As soon as Shawn Green hits a ball that actually goes over
the wall on its own, we'll take down the home run meter. Balls the
hit the bullpen gate do not count. Balls that hit the top of the
wall do not count. And balls that bounce off Jose Canseco's head
definitely do not count. 
The
Dodgers pulled off a rare comeback victory on Friday night in Colorado,
but they were hardly efficient about it. To score their eight runs,
the Dodgers knocked out 17 hits—and left 11 guys on base. For
a team that ususally celebrates if they manage more than five or
six hits, they apparently didn't know what to do with seventeen
of them. However, big home runs by Todd Hundley and Adrian Beltre
(Hundley and Beltre?) gave the Dodgers the jolts they needed to
recover from two 5-run deficits. And after some poor bullpen performances
of late, the Dodger pen threw six innings of scoreless relief—including
Eric Gagne's 235th consecutive save. The Dodger victory keeps the
team three games back in the Wild Card race and gets Kaz Ishii off
the hook. Ishii lasted only three innings Friday, giving up seven
runs on eight hits while walking three. The Dodger pitching staff
has now given up 26 runs in the last four games, and really needs
to get their shit together. Fans have been spoiled this season,
growing accustomed to the Dodger starters only giving up a run or
two, but that's exactly what needs to happen the rest of the way
if the Dodgers have a chance. We know the offense isn't going to
suddenly turn around (especially with Green's decaying body), so
it's really up to the pitching staff to keep them in the race. Well,
the pitching staff and Joe Thurston.
On
Monday, the Los Angeles Times revealed that a shoulder injury has
bothered Shawn Green all season, contributing in large part to his
power failure. Green and some of the Dodgers had kept the injury
a secret until now, prompting us to wonder what other secrets are
being hidden under Daryle Ward's ass. (Just because Ward is at Triple-A
doesn't mean we've forgotten about the size of that man's dumper.)
So, after almost 10 minutes of exhuastive investigation, we've discovered
a number of other Dodger secrets:
So,
let's see how much action Rodney Myers gets the rest of this month.
With Monday's game already a lost cause, Myers (just recalled from
Triple-A) was brought in to pitch the top of the ninth. Before recording
an out, Myers gave up a walk and three hits, including Jeff Kent's
10th career grand slam. Good first impression. The only way Myers
will end up on the mound again is if Hideo Nomo continues to pitch
like crap. Nomo gave up nine hits and four runs in just five innings,
less than a week after getting shelled by the Astros in Houston.
While Nomo's struggles have been out of character, there was nothing
unusual about the way the Dodgers swung the bat on Monday. The Dodgers
got just five hits, left nine guys on base, and pretty much looked
like a bunch of guys who don't give a shit—which means one
thing: it's September. But not to fear, Todd Hundley is back.