> SEPTEMBER 2004

Well, the year has definitely been inprobable. And now, the impossible has happened: Hee-Seop Choi and David Ross both came up with big hits—in the same game. Call it magic. Call it luck. Call it crazy. Just don't call Alex Cora, because he's busy icing his sphincter after being nailed in the butthole by a pitch with two outs in the 11th inning. Seconds later, Ross hit his first home run in almost two months, and the Dodgers had pulled out yet another come-from-behind victory. An inning earlier, it was Choi (hitting only because everyone including the batboy had already been used) who came up big, leading off the tenth with a pinch-hit double. As he rounded first, it's amazing that Choi didn't have to Mapquest his way to second base. It's been months since he's been anywhere near it. It's been much longer, though—nine years to be exact—since the Dodgers have been in the position they're in now. One win gives the Dodgers the division. Of course, almost as satisfying as winning the West would be keeping the Giants out of the playoffs entirely. A couple wins this weekend would do just that. The Dodgers will tell you, however, that they want just one. One win. One measly win. If you think that win is going to come easy, you're in for a surprise. Maybe not a surprise as huge as Ross's's's home run, but a surprise nonetheless. What wasn't a surprise on Thursday were Brent Mayne's two hits. Yesterday we suggested that Brent lift a weight, and obviously he listened. Simple as that. Also not a surprise was Jim Tracy's idiotic decision to put an ailing Eric Gagne into a tie game—on the eve of a monster series with the Giants. First of all, we all know how Gagne generally does in tie games (and that's a healthy Gagne). Second, you've got doctors saying he needs three days of rest. Third, um, oh yeah, you're playing three fucking games against the Giants this weekend. Against the Rockies, we can handle Carrara for an inning. Against the Giants, however, we need Filth. We need Nastiness. We need a guy who's insane enough to want to face Barry Bonds. We don't need that guy nursing a bad shoulder. Speaking of nursing (and if you get the reference, good for you), Dodger Blues would like to wish a happy birthday to Jose Lima, who tonight can have his cake and eat it too—just as long as he keeps it away from Wilson Alvarez.

September 29, 2004
This meltdown belongs to the pen

Milton Bradley served the first game of his five-game suspension on Wednedsay, but amazingly enough had as many hits as most of the guys in the lineup. The Dodgers were thoroughly stifled by 13-year-old Colorado rookie Jeff Francis, and despite a great outing by Odalis Perez (a.k.a. Afro with Legs), lost to the Rockies 4-1. Perez kept it close, giving up just a run over eight innings, but the Dodger pen immediately choked, giving up three in the ninth. Jeromy Burnitz (who else?) capped the inning with a 2-run single off Jim Tracy's boyfriend Mike Venafro. There was no ninth inning comeback for the Dodgers this time, who went down 1-2-3 to end the game. Thankfully the Padres stepped up and knocked off the Giants, so the Dodgers' three game lead remains intact... which is more than can be said for the Dodger team itself. They may be just two games from clinching the division, but they're far from being a well-oiled machine. Bradley is gone for the final five, Eric Gagne is hurting, Yhency has hit the wall, Shawn Green continues to ground out like there's no tomorrow, and Ishii's pants are higher than ever. If the Dodgers do make it to the postseason, they do so as a team on the verge of falling apart. They may cross the finish line, but they'll be bleeding from the crotch. Speaking of which, the latest diagnosis on Brad Penny is not bleeding from the crotch. It's not a strained bicep either. Nor is it a tear of the muscle. In fact, the Dodgers don't know what the hell is going on with Penny's arm. Dr. Frank Jobe, the Leonardo da Vinci of baseball doctors, hasn't seen an injury like Penny's in his 41 years with the team. Very comforting. At least Darren Driefort will have someone to sit with next season.

September 28, 2004
Uh, keep your shirt on too

Yesterday we told everyone to keep their pants on. Apparently we said nothing about shirts. Milton Bradley shed his on Tuesday night as he walked off the field in the midst of another classic freak-out. The rage has been building in Bradley for months, like lava in Mount St. Helens. Well, Mount St. Bradley erupted all over the field in the top of the eighth inning. After committing a costly error that led to three Colorado runs, a "fan" in the right field corner hurled a plastic beer bottle at Bradley. An outspoken critic of litter, Bradley walked the bottle back over to the stands, threw it at the feet of the "fan," and then went crazy. "Hey asshole," Bradley screamed. "Don't you know all this trash washes out to sea? It pollutes the beaches, not to mention it kills sand crabs and penguins. Stupid ass." After yelling at the fan, Bradley turned his attention to the umpire, who quickly booted him from the game. The eruption wasn't over, though, as Milton yanked his shirt off, gestured wildly with his arms, and yelled about litter to some fans above the Dodger dugout before being pulled to safety by Jim Riggleman. No doubt that the Dodgers are embarassed. No doubt that Bradley is embarassed. No doubt that Bradley's mom is embarassed. But most embarrassed has got to be T.J. Simers, whose column a few days ago was all about how Bradley has turned the corner. Maybe he's turned the corner, but he obviously hasn't crossed the street (which is a good thing, because he'd probably get in a fight with a moving car). It's obvious that they guy is passionate, which is great. A team needs passion. But they also need their right fielder. You can't condone Bradley's reaction, but it's understandable. Like Chris Rock once joked about OJ Simpson, "I ain't sayin' he should have killed her, but I understand." Now let's be clear—killing your ex-wife and tossing a bottle at an asshole in the stands are two very different things, but the point is this: uh... athletes are fucking crazy. Here's something even crazier: Kaz Ishii didn't allow a hit after the first inning, and the Dodgers scored five runs in the ninth inning to beat the Rockies, 5-4. Granted the Rockies' relievers aren't much better than those on a little league team, but the Dodgers easily could have called it quits after Milton did. Instead, Cesar Izturis jumped for joy like he was in an "Oh, What a Feeling" Toyota commercial, and the Dodgers' magic number is three. Such a shame for those Giants fans who must have been watching the scoreboard, counting the seconds until they pulled to within two. Our condolences, you Northern California bastards.

September 27, 2004
Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on

Fine, so they pulled it out again. Fine, so they never give up. Fine, so Beltre came through in the clutch again. Fine, so Mike Venafro actually struck out Todd Helton. Fine, so they beat the Rockies on Monday, 8-7. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You want to start partying? You want to dance around naked in that shithole you call a home? You want to go make out with Jamie McCourt? Fine, go for it. Go nuts... you idiot. But it's not over. Sure, it looks promising, but so did the career of Greg Brock. We've been screwed over too many times to fall for it again. It's terrific that they beat the Giants two of three, it's terrific that they picked up a half game on Monday, and it's terrific that the magic number is down to four. But until that number is zero, we're not celebrating. Come to think of it, we probably won't even celebrate when the number is zero. We'll be too busy preparing for their inevitable failure in the playoffs. Right now, however, we're too busy listing the ways Jim Tracy tried to lose the game for the Dodgers on Monday. First off all, he brought in Scott Stewart after Edwin Jackson went bad. (There's a reason why Stewart was available to the Dodgers at the end of August in exchange for 10 bucks and a box of Fernando talking mini keychains.) Second, he used three relievers on three batters in a tie game in the ninth—after already using four pitchers and having said prior to the game that he wouldn't use Eric Gagne. (If the game went extra, he's putting it entirely in the hands of Elmer Dessens?) Thirdly, with the go-ahead run at second and two outs in the eighth, Tracy sent Jason Grabowski to the plate. (Hell, who cares about his .138 average the last two months—he bats lefthanded!) Someone needs to rip Tracy's Dodger jersey off his back. Guaranteed you'll find a Giants jersey underneath. (Either that, or saggy man boobs.)

September 26, 2004
A San Francisco treat for Dodgers

There have been many surpises this season: Darren Dreifort's body made it intact all the way to August, Adrian Beltre figured out how to hit, and Hideo Nomo was spotted in the dugout actually speaking to someone. Perhaps the biggest surprise, though, is the Dodgers leaving San Francisco having won two of three. The Giants were hot, the Dodgers were not, and L.A.'s starters had begun to rot. An interesting plot. And the two teams fought. Scored a lot. In McCovey Cove there was a yacht. Weaver smoked pot. Milton got caught. Alex Cora perfected his home run trot. Gagne again in a tough spot. But at least Tracy didn't bring in Scott. What a twat. OK, enough. Anyway, the Dodgers got the breaks on Sunday, taking advantage of San Francisco errors and a bad call to knock off the Giants, 7-4. Interestingly enough, if you add 7 plus 4, you get 11. If you multiply 11 times itself, you get Felipe Alou's age. If you divide that number by 6, you get the number of boogers Alou snagged from his nose during the eighth inning. Snot or not (shit, here we go again), the Dodgers leave the Bay Area in pretty good shape—considering what could have been. Now, even if the Dodgers were to be swept by the Rockies while the Giants sweep San Diego, the Dodgers would enter next weekend's series down by a game. Some call that the worst-case senario, but we just call it Dodger baseball.

September 25, 2004
Yhency shmentzy; Dodgers get slammed

Eleven days ago, with the Dodgers four and a half games ahead of the Giants, we named Yhency Brazoban Asshole of the Moment. At the time, Brazoban had an ERA of 0.78 and had pretty much been perfect. So why was he Asshole of the Moment? Because it all had to balance out. He was going to have a shitty outing, and he was saving that shitty outing for the Giants. Well, what do ya know—Brazoban got shelled in the eighth inning Saturday (even though he probably shouldn't have still been in the game), giving up a grand slam to Pedro Feliz, and the Dodgers lost to San Francisco, 9-5. After an uplifting 3-2 win Friday night, a win on Saturday could have given the Dodgers a comfortable three and a half game lead. As we all know, though, there's no comfort in being a Dodger fan. The Dodgers blew two 2-run leads on Saturday, and now their lead is about as comfortable as a BJ from a shark. So, we're on the emotional roller coaster once again. One day they're finished. Next day there's false hope. Next day they're finished. Next day there's false hope. One thing is for sure: the emotional roller coaster has bad breaks, faulty wiring, and the tracks are broken ahead. Jump off now, or prepare for impact. Just don't forget to enjoy the ride. After all, it's the Dodgers and Giants. Doesn't get any better than that.

September 24, 2004
Double the drama, double the stress

You have to have a strong heart to be a Dodger fan. Those who don't are probably dead right about now. In the first of six huge games against the Giants, the Dodgers came away with an ulcer-inducing 3-2 win—one they really didn't deserve. The Dodgers hit into five double-plays—and still somehow managed to leave nine guys on base. Frankly, we think that's impossible, but leave it to the Dodgers to accomplish the feat. And leave it to Eric Gagne to make things interesting in the ninth. With Barry Bonds representing the winning run on deck, Gagne walked Pedro Feliz on four pitches. Don't think for a second that was an accident. Eric Gagne is crazy—there's no doubt the dude wanted to face Bonds with the game on the line. After Jim Tracy ordered Bonds to be intentionally walked, Gagne's body language made that clear. No way in hell Gagne wanted to give Bonds an intentional pass. Gagne may not be the pitcher he was earlier in the season, but you've got to love him for his competitiveness. Sort of like how you've got to love Jose Flores for his solid bat off the bench. Who, you ask? Oh, just the guy Jim Tracy sent to the plate with two guys on and nobody out in the ninth inning of perhaps the biggest game of the season. Just a guy who had yet to have an at-bat for the Dodgers this season. Just a guy who had no business whatsoever even being in the ballpark, let alone the game. Leave it to Jim Tracy to decide that was the perfect time to put this guy in the game. If he wants a bunt, why not just leave Odalis Perez (who looks like a caricature of himself these days) in the game? Has there been a game in the last three weeks in which Tracy hasn't made blatantly poor decisions? It's becoming clear that Tracy has a bunch of possible moves scribbled out on pieces of paper in a bucket, and when the time comes, he just fishes around in the bucket and pulls out the solution. Apparently he pulled the Jose Flores piece of paper in the ninth inning Friday. Almost as bad as the "Pitch Eric Gagne two innings" piece of paper he pulled out of the bucket Thursday night. With the Dodgers up by three runs in that game (on the eve of the series with the Giants), how could Tracy possibly feel that was the perfect time to use Gagne for two frames? How? Well, because his head is filled with cold soup. Speaking of soup, Shawn Green won't be having any until after sundown Saturday night. His decision to play in one of the two, however, is a decision that's looking pretty good for the Dodgers right about now. Green tied the game Friday with a two-run homer in the fourth inning, his 28th. He did ground out twice, though, so now he has something for which to atone.

September 23, 2004
Lance Berkman to the rescue

When fate is in their own hands, the Dodgers seem to panic. That's why Dodger fans should be looking elsewhere for help. Lance Berkman responded to the call on Thursday night, hitting a 3-run homer to lift the Astros to a come-from-behind ninth inning win over the Giants. Beautiful to watch those cocky fuckers lose it in the ninth. For a moment it seemed the Dodgers might suffer a similar fate, but Eric Gagne held off the Padres, 9-6. On a day when Brad Penny was declared legally dead (as far as pitching this season goes), Kaz Ishii made his last start of the season (for about the tenth time). Ishii went 4+ innings, walking a total of six before being pulled in the fifth inning. Thankfully for the Dodgers, Brian Lawrence wasn't much better. So, the Dodgers now enter the Big Ass Showdown with a game and a half lead over San Francisco. Breathing room? Well, it's like going from a smokey bar to an underground parking garage. It's an improvement, but not really worth talking about. Let's face it, all it means is that the Dodgers can stave off their fall into second place for another two days. And if, by some miracle, the Dodgers do make the playoffs, how deep into the playoffs can a roation of Weaver, Perez, and Lima take them? Not that they're alone with their shitty rotation. Here's the biggest series of the season for two teams, a rivalry that goes back a hundred years, and these are the pitching matchups: Perez vs. Rueter, Lima vs. Hennessey, and Weaver vs. Tomko. Actually, the Dodgers lucked out, missing Jason Schmidt (the Giants' ace) and Noah Lowry (who emerged from McCovey Cove less than two months ago and is suddenly one of the hottest pitchers in baseball). So here we go. A week left in the season. Dodgers vs. Giants. Smog vs. bridges. Good vs. Evil. Barry Bonds vs. Mike Venafro.

September 22, 2004
Half a game; fully screwed

Oh, the joy of being a Dodger fan. The joy of watching them get three hits. The joy of watching them strike out eleven times. The joy of watching Brad Penny re-injure himself because he was rushed back to the mound. The joy of Steve Finley in another 0-for-95 skid. The joy of seeing their once eight game lead slashed to a measly half game. The joy of vomit rising up from your stomach as the Dodgers sit on the verge of perhaps their biggest collapse ever. For your own sanity, we suggest you stop watching games. In place of Dodger baseball, we suggest the following, more enjoyable activities:

• Removing sores on your testicle (or vaginal lips) with an ice pick
• Scrubbing the Great Wall of China with a toothbrush
• Drinking gasoline straight from the pump
• Giving yourself a bobblehead enema
• Giving Rick Monday a bobblehead enema
• Repeatedly slamming the refrigerator door on your face
• Painting a life-size mural of Rafael Bournigal

The Dodgers' season is on the line and they put up three f'ing hits. Unbelievable. At this point they've lost all confidence in themselves, and you can't blame them. The Giants are playing incredible ball, and the Dodgers are more of a mess than Kevin Kennedy's face. Meanwhile, Shawn Green is still debating whether or not he'll miss two games this weekend because of Yom Kippur. At this point it looks like it won't even matter, but we've got a solution: send Hee-Seop Choi to temple to fill in for Green. It would be Choi's greatest contribution to the team, plus he'd get to repent for his sins ('sins' being another way of saying 'every at-bat he's had since he's been a Dodger'). Good times.

September 21, 2004
It's nothing out of the blue

Nothing much new going on with the Dodgers these days. Some losses to San Diego. A lead disappearing. A pitching staff crowding the trainer's room. A manager helping the team lose. Dodger fans drinking. Giant and Padre fans celebrating. Yep, it's September in Los Angeles. And it's pretty goddamn sickening. No matter how many years of practice you've had witnesssing Dodger collapses, it never seems to get any easier to swallow. The Dodgers didn't swallow on Tuesday, but they did take it in the ass. The Padres scored four runs in the 5th inning and beat Adrian Beltre handily, 9-4. Everyone on the Padres named Ramon hit a home run, and everyone on the Dodgers named Milton Bradley went 0-for-4 with two strikeouts. Meanwhile, Jeff Weaver appears to have caught whatever illness the rest of the pitching staff has—Weaver went 4 1/3 innings and gave up seven earned runs. Now the Dodgers turn to Brad Penny, who probably isn't ready to come back but is being sent to the mound so Paul DePodesta can save some face. We suggest he save the classified ads instead. Fuckers. All of 'em.

September 19, 2004
Late-inning drama keeps Dodgers' head above water

If it weren't for late-inning comebacks, would the Dodgers have any wins this year? Probably not. It's exciting, no doubt... but how about a 6-0 win once in a while? Or 7-2 occasionally? Here's a crazy thought: 9-1. Nothing comes easy to these Dodgers, but we suppose you've got to give 'em credit for never giving up. Down 5-0 in the seventh inning, Dodger teams of recent years would have taken off their cleats and called it a day—even in Colorado. After a pathetic 8-1 loss on Saturday, and down 5-0 on Sunday, things looked pretty goddamn bleak—especially considering the Giants were winning once again. Then it happened. Huge hits by Adrian Beltre and Milton Bradley got the Dodgers close, a sac fly by Robin Ventura tied the game, and then after immediately falling behind again in the bottom of the eighth, Shawn Green (Shawn Green?) came through in the clutch, hitting one over the wall in center with the Dodgers down to their last strike. It's amazing how the Dodgers can inspire hopelessness and hopefulness almost simulaneously. Every day it looks like their time in first place is running out... and then they pull off shit like this. So you start thinking, "Hell, maybe they can do it... maybe they can hang on." That is, until Tuesday when they get shut out by the Padres. Come on, don't let them fuck with you. Be strong. Be tough. Be a Dodger fan, but for the love of God, don't be a believer.

September 17, 2004
Nomo's done—Porter too?

On the eighth anniversary of his no-hitter in Colorado, Hideo Nomo almost pitched a no-outer on Friday night. Raising his horrifically high ERA even higher, Nomo gave up six runs in just over an inning. While that figures to be the end for Nomo, it's not as if the rest of the starters have been doing much better. On any given day, it seems, the chances of the Dodgers being down by four runs in the second inning are pretty damn good. Fortunately for the Dodgers, they rebounded on Friday, coming back to beat Colorado 8-6. Milton Bradley finally hit a ball out of the infield, and the infamous trio of Dessens, Stewart, and Venefro put together five scoreless innings of relief. Guaranteed that won't happen again the rest of our lives. Honestly, the odds of winning the lottery without buying a ticket are better than the odds of those three guys pitching another five scoreless innings. Hell, after that insanity, maybe it really is the Dodgers' year. It also might be Ross Porter's last year. The contracts of Porter and Rick Monday expire after the season, and rumor has it Porter won't be invited back. Porter and Monday are both creepy dudes, but there's one huge difference between the two: Ross Porter can call a game. Rick Monday couldn't make less sense if he took off his pants and sat on the goddamn microphone. The fact that the Dodgers would keep Monday and let Porter go is sickening—though not surprising. Like everything else, it's about money. Porter, who's been broadcasting Dodger games for the last 28 years, figures to command a higher salary than Monday. Simple as that. Can't wait to hear Monday on the air with color man (hey, we didn't make up the name) Eric Davis next year:

Monday: "Ground ball... Green at first... runner slides at the bag... off the bag..."

Davis: "Yo, Rick, let's go throw some firecrackers at fans in the parking lot."

Monday: "Up the middle... that's three at-bats, Cora covering second... right side, down the line..."

Davis: "Yo, Rick, why you saved that flag?"

Monday: "That's hit well... Mayne out to field the ball... Izturis at second... runner advances..."

Davis: "Yo, Rick, I grew up with Darryl."

Monday: "Two outs... one out... ballsack itches... two outs... Bradley charges the ball... throws home... I've got a turkey neck."

Should be really enjoyable. They'll let Porter go, but keep Monday. They'll let Beltre go, but keep Tracy. They'll let Perez go, but bring back Wilkin Ruan. But that's 2005. No reason to dwell on the misery of next year when there's plenty of pain to experience right now. Nomo is done, Dreifort is done, Penny is still out, Lima's down, Alvarez is fading, Ishii is unpredictable and appears to wear diapers, Jackson is coming off an injury... sure, go ahead, keep the faith. Just don't come running to us when the Dodgers are in second place next week.

September 16, 2004
Told you so, told you so

If you've been a Dodger fan long enough, you know there are certain things you can rely on year after year: the cost of parking going up, Nancy Bea's organ time going down, and of course, a Dodger collapse in September. We're well into September, and it's pretty safe to say we're well into the Dodgers' collapse. They were shut out by San Diego on Thursday, and now lead the Giants by just two and a half games—with six games remaining against Matt Herges and company. Any surprise that the Padres came to town and beat the Dodgers three out of four? Actually, the only surprise is that there are still Dodger fans out there who couldn't see this coming. Really? You really thought they'd just take the West, uncontested? When's the last fucking time that happened? Go ahead, eat your nacho cheese sauce and cheer for your favorite song on Diamondvision... meanwhile, the Dodgers are sinking faster than a pop fly in front of Shawn Green. You know things are bad when the Dodgers call on Phil Jackson for motivation. (Or maybe it's an indication that the guy who's supposed to motivate the team—Jim Tracy—couldn't motivate a dog to eat if he was wrapped in meat.) Anyway, Phil has already seen one team collapse this year—now he can make it two. Zen bastard.

September 15, 2004
Dodgers lose to dudes in beige uniforms

Over the past few years the Padres have really only been good at one thing: beating the Dodgers. The Boys in Beige have put that talent to use once again this week, knocking off the Dodgers on Wednesday night for the second time in three games. You've got to wonder whether the gravitational pull of Bruce Bochy's enormous head is doing something to screw with the Dodger bats—or distracting Dodger pitchers on the mound. Or maybe it's just the fact that the LA Times has started printing the Dodgers' magic number in the paper—a sure kiss of death. The only thing magical about that number is how slowly it figures to change. Unless Dodger starters put together some quality starts, Milton Bradley starts occasionally hitting the ball out of the infield, and someone locks Scott Stewart and Mike Venafro in the trunk of a car, the next couple weeks don't figure to be easy. A lead of three and a half games with seventeen to play isn't a particularly safe lead. But at least the Dodgers have white uniforms.

September 14, 2004
This just in: Penny takes a solid dump

This just in: Brad Penny has just eaten a sandwich. This just in: Brad Penny clipped his nails. This just in: Brad Penny took a piss. Every day, brand new exciting news about Brad Penny's rehab. Tuesday, it was the fact that he pitched to live batters—although the term 'batter' is a stretch. Penny faced Chin-Feng Chen, Hee-Seop Choi, Jose Flores, Antonio Perez, David Ross and Joe Thurston. The Dodgers might as well have randomly picked six fans from the bleachers to hit against Penny. Actually, it was smart move. The last thing they wanted was someone to nail Penny with a line drive. You put those guys at the plate, you're pretty much guaranteed the ball won't even make it to the mound. No screen necessary. Hell, Penny didn't even need a glove. Speaking of gloves, Adrian Beltre is apparently confused about how to use his. Too cool for school, Beltre tried making a basket catch on a foul pop-up in the 4th inning, only to have the ball roll out of his glove. Given a second life, Ryan Klesko jacked the next pitch over the right field wall. Luckily for Beltre, however, the Dodgers rallied to beat San Diego, 6-3... even though they failed to score off Andy Ashby, who hasn't eaten since 2002. Meanwhile, this just in: Brad Penny has changed his underpants. Brad Penny has just found a dried booger in his locker. Brad Penny has just identified Olmedo Saenz as the booger's owner.

September 12, 2004
A brief lapse or a total collapse?

It's September, so every Dodger win seems to be a major accomplishment. Conversely, every Dodgers loss is cause for concern. Is it the beginning of the end, you wonder? The Dodgers' 5-game winning streak ended Sunday at the hands of St. Louis, who beat them 7-6. It's not as if they got shelled (and, in fact, they came from four runs behind to tie the game in the fifth), but a loss is a loss. When you come from four runs down to tie the game, only to immediately fall behind again, it's a drag. When you can't remove a struggling pitcher from the starting rotation because you've got no one to replace him with, it's a drag. When you hear Vin Scully call Jason Isringhausen "Izzyhouse" instead, it's a drag. Three weeks left in the season. Plenty of time for anything to happen. (And we hope "anything" includes Jim Tracy getting captured by martians or a Samoan family.) However we know better. We know that "anything" means Adrian Beltre slipping into a horrendous slump. Or Cesar Izturis suddenly throwing balls into the stands. Or Milton Bradley making even less contact than he has the past month. Or, even more likely, the Dodgers will get their asses swept by the Padres, who come to town for four games starting Monday. Make way for Bruce Bochy—that dude's huge.

September 11, 2004
Dodgers overcome deficit and Tracy to beat Cards

Down by three runs in the 6th inning Saturday, the Dodgers loaded the bases with two out. Alex Cora got nailed by a pitch (again) and the Dodgers were within two. Bases still loaded. With a chance for the Dodgers to quickly get back in the game, Jim Tracy went to his bases-loaded man: Robin Ventura. The Cardinals immediately brought in a lefty. OK, fine, big deal. Ventura is a pro, he's had a great career... been around for 15 years... obviously he's had hits off lefties. If you're a Dodger fan, no doubt you'd want Ventura at the plate in that situation. Apparently, however, Jim Tracy is no Dodger fan. Playing into Tony La Russa's scummy hands, Tracy pulled Ventura, replacing him with Olmedo Saenz. First of all, you're pulling a guy who's third on the all-time list for grand slams in a career. (Third in baseball fuckin' history.) Second, you're wasting another pinch-hitter in the 6th inning of a huge game against the Cardinals. (Not the 9th inning—the sixth inning.) Third, well... actually there doesn't need to be a third thing wrong with what Tracy did. Two is enough. Saenz, of course, ended up striking out to end the threat. Then, two innings later, Tracy was at it again, bringing in Mike Venafro (Mike Fuckin' Venafro!) to pitch to Larry Walker with the game tied in the top of the eighth. Walker, of course, immediately drove in the go-ahead run, and Venafro was gone. The point is this: Jim Tracy has no brain. None. No brain, no personailty. We've said it before, and apparently we'll have to say it again: the man's head is completely empty. It's a wonder the asshole can even find his way to the stadium. It would be no surprise at all if he ended up instead at a Chevron station in Indio. The fact that anyone could possibly mention Tracy as a candidate for manager of the year is scarier than coming across Rick Monday in a dark alley. Thanks to a couple lucky breaks, the Dodgers came back to win on Saturday night, but not an ounce of credit can go to Jim Tracy. Christ, we hate him more than life itself.

September 10, 2004
Dreifort under the knife; Dodgers are sharp

As the Dodgers prepared for their game against St. Louis, Darren Dreifort was in Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh?) to have season-ending hip surgery. If doctors are smart, they'll install zippers on Dreifort's body instead of sewing him up. Then, next time he blows out his elbow, knee, or nutsack, doctors (or the batboy, for that matter), can unzip him, toss in a new ligament or organ, and then quickly zip him back up. No needles, no anesthesia, no blood. Zipper or no zipper, Dreifort figures to be out til mid-2005, best-case scenario. Actually, best-case scenario would be seeing Kevin Malone run over by a cement mixer. Truly unbelievable how that guy managed to take Fox's millions and drop it, bill by bill, into the sewer. But that was then, and this is now. And now the Dodgers are once again six games ahead of San Francisco. Four Dodger homers helped them knock off St. Louis on Friday night, 7-6. Steve Finley once again had the big blow, breaking a 5-5 tie in the seventh. Eric Gagne was brought in early, and wasn't particularly sharp... but he hung on for his 39th save. And you gotta love his message to Cardinals manager Tony La Russa after getting the last out in the bottom of the eighth. After the second out of the inning, La Russa (who feels the need to wear sunglasses at night) bitched to first base umpire Charlie Reliford about Gagne swapping baseballs and tossing the shitty ball into the Dodger dugout—rather than throwing it back to the umpire. (Obviously La Russa is showcasing himself for the Yankees, who encourage their guys to pull chicken-shit crap like that.) Gagne, however, had the last laugh, taking Shawn Green's feed for the third out of the inning, and then tossing the ball (or a big middle finger that looked like a ball) toward the Cardinal dugout. God bless Eric.

September 8, 2004
He should change his name to Oalis (no D)

On a night when the Dodger-Diamondback connection played big, Olmedo Saenz came up big, and Odalis Perez... well, he's just big. Perez picked up yet another no-decision on Wednesday night, his 112th of the season. Perez pitched five innings, allowing two home runs to Somebody Snyder (who now has four home runs this year—three off Perez), and then was bailed out in the bottom of the 5th when Olmedo Saenz hit a grand slam off of Arizona starter Casey Fossum, who probably doesn't weight as much as one of Olmedo's legs. With the Dodgers up 4-3, it then became all about former Diamondbacks and former Dodgers. Elmer Dessens, who came to the Dodgers a few weeks back much to the delight of nobody, immediately blew the lead, giving up a 2-run homer to Shea Hillenbrand. Former Diamondback Brent Mayne singled to lead off the seventh for the Dodgers, but former Dodger Mike Fetters came in to get Adrian Beltre on a groundout to end the inning. Then in the ninth, Steve Finley broke out of a nasty slump with a game-winning double against his former teammates. Terrific that the Dodgers won, but should it really be that tough? (No, it shouldn't.) They're lucky, too. No one on the team can bunt worth a shit, and guys like David Ross think it's a good idea to swing at the first pitch with the bases loaded and nobody out—facing a pitcher who had just walked a batter. You make mistakes like that, you don't particularly belong in first place. But the Dodgers are still there, Jason Grabowski still blows, and Odalis still has a D in his name.

September 7, 2004
Slam man does it again

There's a good possibility that Robin Ventura expends more energy brushing his teeth than he does swinging a bat. There's little difference, if any, between the swings he takes at the plate and the swings he takes in the on-deck circle. It's as if the guy was napping in the dugout and then suddenly found himself at home plate with guys on base. "Hey, Robin... Robin, wake up." "Huh?" "Robin, man, you're up." "Me? Huh?" Sleepy or not, you can't argue with success. Ventura hit his 18th career grand slam on Tuesday—a pinch-hit shot in the seventh—helping the Dodgers to a much-needed 8-2 win over the Diamondbacks. Hideo Nomo picked up his first win in something like 7 years, and more importantly, Brent Mayne showed signs of becoming the offensive powerhouse that we all know he can be. Mayne knocked in a run with a base hit in the 4th inning, hitting the ball past the infield dirt on the fly—an accomplishment worthy of a contract extension. Too bad for Mayne, however, that Paul DePodesta seems focused on a contract extention for someone else: Big, Bad Jim.

September 5, 2004
A wasted comeback

The Dodgers' 9th inning rally on Sunday might have momentarily boosted their confidence, but there'll be no partying on the flight home to Los Angeles. After losing in the 11th inning, the Dodgers lead over San Francisco is down to just 3 1/2 games, which isn't much. The way the Dodgers are playing of late, the lead should be gone by the weekend. Being swept by the Cardinals isn't necessarily anything to be ashamed of, but if you're planning on sticking around in the postseason (or even making it to the postseason, for that matter), a sweep doesn't fly—regardless of who you're playing. If they've got any chance of maintaining their lead in the West, the Dodgers know they need to be on the other end of a sweep when Arizona comes to town for three games this week. Two out of three isn't good enough, especially when they're lucky enough to miss Randy Johnson. Leaving a guy on third base with nobody out and the top of the lineup coming up isn't good enough. Failing to run down a fly ball in the 11th inning that bounces about two feet away isn't good enough. Leaving the game because you made diarrhea in your pants isn't good enough. Not in September. Not in a pennant race. Not with Hee Seop Choi coming off the bench.

September 4, 2004
We've got Busch, but no action for Dodgers

After facing mediocre teams the last few weeks, the Dodgers have finally been given a chance to prove to naysayers (like us) that they belong among baseball's elite. Only problem is, they don't belong among baseball's elite, and it's a point they're making quite clear. The Dodgers were shut out by Jason Marquis (a Jewish guy with a black man's last name) for the first seven innings on Saturday, a day after being compeltely blanked by Matt Morris. Combined with wins by the Giants and Padres, the Dodgers' lead in the West is down to 4 1/2 games. If the last two games are any indication, the Dodgers might be better off watching that lead disappear and hope that they win the Wild Card. If the Dodgers win the division (which would put them up against the Cardinals in the Division Series), their postseason life figures to be pretty brief. If they were to win the Wild Card (and face the Braves in the Division Series), they might actually have a chance. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Unless the Dodgers find a way to score some runs, there won't be a postseason at all. With lineups like Saturday's, though, runs might be pretty friggin' tough to come by. Hee Seop Choi (2 K's, GIDP) is a total waste of flesh, and if you put Brent Mayne (0-2, GIDP) in the same lineup... well, let's just say you're not scaring any opposing pitchers. Jim Tracy HAS GOT TO STOP putting Choi in the lineup. The Dodgers have plenty of first basemen—use ANY of them. Hell, put Todd Hundley on crutches, give him a beer, and stick him at first. For the love of God, anybody but Choi. This is why Jim Tracy is so easy to hate. Milton Bradley, who had left the team to attend the funeral of his grandfather, was back on Saturday and could have played. But Tracy wanted to play it safe, so he sat Bradley, put Werth in left, Green in right, and Choi at first. Tracy said he didn't want Bradley to hurt himself and figured he needed a good night's sleep. What, Bradley can't handle a fucking plane flight? He flew from Arizona to L.A. (which takes about an hour) on Friday morning, and then joined up with the team early Saturday in St. Louis. Big fucking deal. Bradley is a professional athlete—he can handle it. Tracy, however, is a big goddamn pussy who apparently thinks the Dodgers are as good with Choi in the lineup as they are with Bradley. Jim Tracy is not a manager deserving of a new contract. A knee in the crotch, maybe, but not a new contract.

September 3, 2004
Dodgers shut down by the big boys

Facing the first place St. Louis Cardinals for the first time this season, the Dodgers learned quickly on Friday why they're 90-44. Yes, the Dodgers are in first place too, but it sure didn't feel that way. The Dodgers looked like little kids being taught a lesson about what a real baseball team is. The Big Boys didn't exactly beat the hell out of the Dodgers, but a 3-0 shutout was enough to send a message to the little boys in blue: if you face us in the playoffs, it won't be for very long. Matt Morris made quick work of the Dodgers on Friday, limiting them to two hits in a game that took less than 2 hours to play. The Dodgers didn't even get a man to second base (although Shawn Green was seen stepping on the bag on his way to right field before the bottom of the sixth). Good times.

September 2, 2004
Dodgers gain ground; Odalis gains weight

Many people have talked about the Dodgers' need to fatten up against crappy teams like the Arizona Diamondbacks, but Odalis Perez apparently misunderstood. Perez, who didn't have a particularly sharp outing on Thursday, has taken it upon himself to fatten up. Seriously, the dude looks like he's put on 20 pounds since his last start. And he's obviously been getting lessons from Darren Dreifort on how to have body language that says "I don't give a shit." Nonetheless, the Dodgers beat the Diamondbacks 8-4, and finally gained a game on those bastards down south and up north, who both lost on Thursday. Adrian Beltre broke out of a 2-game slump, hitting his 43rd home run of the season, and shoddy defense by the double-A Diamondbacks gave the Dodgers a couple gift runs in the eighth inning. But back to Odalis, whose body is beginning to resemble the 'O' in his name. Perez is listed at 220, so you've got to figure he's at 230 now, which means he'll hit 240 after a shitload of peanuts on the flight to St. Louis... by the end of the season he'll be at 250. He'll report to spring training (for whatever team he's playing for) at 280, and by the time he's 30 years old (three seasons from now), he'll be shuttled from the dugout to the mound on a little flatbed truck driven by David Ross (who will have retired two years prior).

September 1, 2004
Dodgers caught by D'Backs' Webb

As Arizona pitcher Brandon Webb pretty much shut the Dodgers down on Wednesday, a few things became clear: (1) The Dodgers were wasting a golden chance to gain ground on San Diego and San Francisco, (2) Hideo Nomo has the biggest sideburns of any Asian man in history, and (3) Hee-Seop Choi is completely worthless. We always knew Choi was no good, but it's time to admit his worthlessness. He's on his 3rd team in a year—really, what does that say? Oh, you say it means he has potential? It means he has trade value? Well, he's hit .174 since joining the Dodgers. We call that worthless. His entire body pulls off the ball when he swings. If a high school ballplayer swung like that, he'd be benched. So why the hell is this guy up at the plate for the Dodgers? Oh yeah, that's right... because Paul DePodesta traded half the team for him. But let's look at the bright side of Wednesday's loss. First, Brent Mayne got a base hit (and the ball actually made it to the outfield). Second, Hideo Nomo returned (and made it clear that he sure as hell didn't work on bunting while he was down at Triple-A). And thirdly, well... uh... actually, there's no thirdly. And come to think of it, there's no secondly. And there's no firstly. There's no bright side of a 3-1 loss to the crappy fucking Diamondbacks. None. (Although there's still pleasure to be gained from the Yankees' 22-0 loss to Cleveland.)