> 6.27.09 - Ronald Belisario
Whether or not Ronald Belisario is guilty of driving under the influence, I'm guessing he may be guilty of something else: eating dinner at Wokano, probably the only restaurant in the area open at that time—and probably the worst sushi I've ever had. On a more serious note, not only should baseball have a punishment for a player found guilty of a DUI, but it should actually be more severe than the punishment for using a banned substance.

> 6.24.09 - Alyssa Milano
Alyssa Milano writes on her blog that she's in Utah filming a movie. She also writes that Russell Martin was among her all-star votes. That being the case, I ask Alyssa this question: Are you filming a movie in Utah, or on the fucking moon?

> 6.21.09 - Jim Tracy
Have Jim Tracy's Rockies won fourteen of the last fifteen? Yes. Does it have the slightest thing to do with Jim Tracy? No chance in hell.

> 6.16.09 - Stephen McKeever
It was on this day in 1933 that Brooklyn Dodgers president Stephen McKeever traded 1932 batting champ Lefty O'Doul and 20-game winner Watty Clark to the Giants for first baseman Sam Leslie... who went on to hit just 14 home runs for the Dodgers.

> 6.14.09 - Eric Collins
Eric, it's ok to use crazy baseball terms like "3rd baseman", "home run", and "fastball". Really, you don't have to come up with announcer-like alternatives for everything. You sound kind of douchey.

> 6.13.09 - Andruw Jones
Thankfully the Dodgers won on Saturday. If they hadn't, I wouldn't be here to write this.

> 6.12.09 - Jonathan Broxton
So, Jonathan Broxton and his wife have had their first child. What did they name the 26 pounder? Jonathan. What creativity.

> 6.9.09 - Manny Ramirez
"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game," said Manny on Tuesday. Way to own up to your actions, buddy—you're the best.

> 6.7.09 - Joe Morgan
On Sunday, Joe Morgan shared a variety of insights, including the fact that he won an MVP award and a World Series championship in the same year, and that one of Davey Lopes' Gold Gloves really should have gone to him instead. Thanks, Joe, you really help fans to understand the game—mainly that it'll be a much better game when you die.

> 6.4.09 - Dodgers graphics department
I'm embarrassed it took me two months to notice this, but the Dodgers should probably be a little more embarrassed: Jonathan Broxton's name is misspelled on all of the posters around the stadium. There are marathons, telethons, and walkathons... but I don't think there's anything called a Jonathon.

> 6.1.09 - Travis Schlichting
If you're old enough to be called up by the Dodgers, you're old enough to change your last name. Do it.

> 5.28.09 - Jim Tracy
Am I happy to be the new manager of the Rockies? Yes. Do I deserve to keep getting managerial opportunities at the Major League level? Absolutely not.

> 5.27.09 - Eric Gagne
Gagne, who signed Wednesday with the Quebec Capitales of the Can-Am League, says he'd love to eventually return to the Dodgers. Hmmm... a lousy couple of seasons, a torn rotator cuff, and a history of steroids. Thanks, Eric, we'll pass.

> 5.25.09 - Rafael Furcal
Furcal was scratched from Monday's lineup because of—and I quote—"tightness in his buttocks." Literally, then, he's the Asshole of the Moment.

> 5.24.09 - Torri Hunter
As a baseball fan, it's a treat to watch Torri Hunter play centerfield. As a Dodger fan, I'd like to see him look at the sun too long and go blind.

> 5.20.09 - Juan Pierre
Juan-for-Two doesn't quite have the same ring as Juan-for-Four, does it?

> 5.17.09 - Cody Ross
Since I was away this weekend, I have to retroactively give former Dodger Cody Ross the proper recognition for breaking up Clayton Kershaw's no-hitter Sunday. A-hole.

> 5.14.09 - Jayson Werth
So, Jayson—you like those four strikeouts Thursday to go with your four steals Tuesday? That'll teach you not to have an extraneous Y in your name.

> 5.12.09 - Andruw Jones
Two home runs today makes it EIGHT for the season. EIGHT. Are you friggin' kidding me? I typically don't wish death upon anyone, but Jones is honestly testing me.

Update: Ok, so apparently Fatty doesn't have 8 home runs. A friend gave me the bad info, and I didn't bother to verify, instead launching into a violent tirade. I take back what I said, and wish instead for my friend to die.

> 5.9.09 - Brett Tomko
Well, looks like our favorite former Dodger has just been called up by the Yankees after going 1-0 with an 0.64 ERA in 10 appearances at Triple-A Scranton. I'm not quite sure how this imacts the Dodgers, but when do we get to the point where I no longer have to hear this guy's name?

> 5.7.09 - Manny Ramirez
Hmmm... you think? As much as Bruce Aven is an asshole for the 10th anniversary of his grand slam against the Dodgers, I think Manny Ramirez slightly edges him out today.

> 5.6.09 - Bruce Aven
It was on this day ten years ago that Bruce Aven hit the first pinch-hit grand slam in Marlin history, helping Florida beat the Dodgers, 6-3. Aven, of course, went on to play for the Dodgers... although he didn't actually play so much as just suck. Joke's on him, though—his name is Bruce.

> 5.5.09 - Joe Beimel
Just in time to likely help the Nationals ruin the Dodgers' home streak, Joe Beimel has been activated from the disabled list.

> 5.3.09 - James Loney
Loney is hitting a solid .293. Imagine if he didn't swing like a bad Japanese guy.

> 5.2.09 - Russell Martin
With three hits Saturday, Martin raised his average to .224. Way to go, Russell. Now you're totally justified walking around like you're such a bad-ass.

> 4.30.09 - Andre Ethier
While I'm impressed with the 12-pitch at-bats Ethier seems to regularly have, I'd be more impressed if he didn't ground into a double-play every goddamn game.

> 4.28.09 - Ned Colletti
The fact that Jonathan Broxton is being used twice a week to get five outs re-emphasizes one thing: Colletti completely ignored the bullpen this offseason.

> 4.26.09 - This dude
Not only does this guy waste precious space on the internet with this, but he's got the nerve to charge 94 cents for it? A-hole.

> 4.22.09 - Southwest Airlines Asian Lady
I can't fucking take it anymore. If I see this commercial one more time during a Dodger game, I'm never flying Southwest again. Or getting into an elevator again—especially with Asian women.

> 4.21.09 - Eric Collins
Today marked the debut of Eric Collins on the Dodgers' TV broadcast. To be honest, I didn't catch the broadcast, but he's not Vin Scully, so F him.

> 4.18.09 - Andruw Jones
Two weeks into the season, and Bag of Shit (a.k.a. Andruw Jones) is batting .545 and has already scored eight runs—practically half of what he scored all of last season for the Dodgers. Do they not have candy bars in Texas?

> 4.16.09 - Doug Mientkiewicz
The only thing more ridiculous than the spelling of Doug's last name was his slide in the sixth inning Thursday night. Hello, DL... goodbye, Doug.

> 4.15.09 - Ronald Belisario
Hey Ronnie, never hurts to start searching those Craigslist apartment listings in Albuquerque. Here's one.

> 4.13.09 - Manny Ramirez
"I would like to play for Cleveland one more time, to go back where I started," said Manny to USA Today this weekend. "I think to go back where you started is everyone's dream." Really? How about let us believe—even just for Opening Day—that making twenty-five million dollars to play in front of 3.5 million obsessed fans is everyone's dream. What a dick. Can't wait to watch his next at-bat.

> 4.11.09 - Wolfgang Puck
Mister L.A., Wolfgang Puck? Don't let that happen. Go to the Los Angeles Magazine 'Mister LA' contest, and for the love of God, vote for Vin Scully.

> 4.10.09 - Joe Torre
Second inning, Dodgers are up 1-0 and have guys on 1st and 2nd with one out. James McDonald is up, and works a 3-1 count (already Jon Garland's fifth tree-ball count of the game). So what does Joe Torre do? Let's McDonald swing away... right into an inning-ending double play. Idiotic. Either have him bunt, or just take pitches until he walks or strikes out. Worst that can happen is that Rafael Furcal comes up with two on and two out. I don't get it.

> 4.9.09 - Andrew Gallo
If ever there was an Asshole of the Moment, it’s this guy, who despite a suspended license from a previous drunk driving conviction, barreled through a red light in Fullerton early Thursday morning, killing three people—Angels’ pitcher Nick Adenhart among them. And as if it couldn’t get any more sickening, we were all forced to see that Scott Boras is actually a human being.

> 4.6.09 - David Eckstein
For some reason, I just want to break this guy’s little arms off and throw him in a cellar with Craig Counsell. Oh well, at least Vinny referred to him as "smallish" on Monday.

> 4.5.09 - Ned Colletti
Derek Lowe in his Braves debut: 8 innings, 2 hits, 0 runs. Yeah, who needs him.

> 4.2.09 - Eric Milton
Two innings on Wednesday: eight earned runs. Now he's headed to Albuquerque where he'll take a roster spot away from a kid who may actually have a future. Awesome.

> 3.30.09 - Casey Blake
George? He names his baby George? Jesus chirst, is the baby 65 years old? What an asshole.

> 3.25.09 - Chad Billingsley
Broken leg... strained groin... Do we have a Dreifort in the making? There's only 13 wins and $55 million separating the two.

> 3.21.09 - Joe Beimel
Joe Beimel finally found a taker on Friday, signing with the Nationals for $2 million. Beimel had a 2.02 ERA last season with the Dodgers, he's a lefty, and he's consistent—and it took him more than four months to find someone willing to pay him just slightly more than the $1.9 million he made in 2008?? We all know about his past issues, but here's guessing that he's got a lot more than any of us know about.

> 3.16.09 - Jason Schmidt
"I'm not thinking about Opening Day or five days from then," said Jason Schmidt on Monday after it was basically announced that he'll be starting the season on the DL again. "I don't have a set timetable. I'll just let it dictate itself." Great, so he has no problem cashing the Dodgers' paychecks, but setting a timetable for returning—that's too unreasonable.

> 3.10.09 - Claudio Vargas
On Tuesday Claudio Vargas managed to do what only three people had done all of last year—give up a home run to Andruw Jones. Safe to say that Vargas is no longer a candidate for the rotation?

> 3.7.09 - Jamie McCourt
Created by Jamie McCourt, DodgersWIN (Women's Initiatives Network) is designed to "reach out to women and bring them closer to the game of baseball." Hmmm... bringing women closer to the game of baseball. Oh, you mean like giving Jeanne Zelasko an opportunity to audition for the vacancy on the Dodgers' broadcasting team? Oh, I guess that would be bringing a woman too close to the game of baseball, huh Jamie?

> 3.4.09 - Ned Colletti
I have no problem letting Ned revel in the glory of finally signing Manny Ramirez. Do, do, do.... Ok, that's long enough, because as Manny was taking his physical on Wednesday, Colletti's last signee (Orlando Hudson) was being scratched from the lineup with a sore wrist—yes, the same surgically-repaired wrist that scared off every other team.

> 3.3.09 - ESPN Deportes
Don't screw with me, señors! If you're reporting that Manny and the Dodgers are possibly just hours away from a deal, you'd better damn well be correcto.

> 2.28.09 - Doug Mientkiewicz
My biggest nightmare has come true: I may have to start spelling Mientkiewicz on a regular basis.

> 2.26.09 - Scott Boras
After rejecting the Dodgers' fourth offer to Manny—a measly $45 million guaranteed and an opt-out clause—is there any doubt that Scott Boras is the worst person on the face of the Earth? I hope he wakes up tomorrow morning with a tapeworm in his balls.

Update: With reports that latest rejection is more about deferred money than it is about contract length, could it be that an agreement isn't actually that far off?

> 2.23.09 - Odalis Perez
How do you know your career is over? You're released by the Washington Nationals for being a dick. See you in hell, Odalis.

> 2.18.09 - Larry Bowa
Larry Bowa at odds with a former player? Shocking.

> 2.11.09 - Darryl Strawberry
So now I know what Darryl Strawberry was doing in the late 80s while I was busy spending $110 for his now worthless rookie card.

> 2.5.09 - Bernard Madoff
Sure, he defrauded his investors for almost $50 billion, but it wasn't until Thursday's news that I really started to hate this guy: Sandy Koufax was among Madoff's investors.

> 2.1.09 - Batting Stance Guy
What kind of loser imitates batting stances of current and former Dodgers without doing Tripp Cromer? Actually, this guy's pretty good. Pay special attention to the Shawn Green imitation.

> 1.27.09 - Joe Torre
I guess there's no love lost between Joe Torre and Alex Rodriguez because all of Joe's love is directed to Tanyon Fuckin' Sturtze. After pitching for Torre in New York, Sturtze joined the Dodgers for three games in August before being designated for assignment later that month. Well, he's back. Sturtze agreed to a minor league deal with the Dodgers on Tuesday, and rumor has it the deal includes a Valentine's Day dinner with Torre.

> 1.23.09 - DB
Ok, ok, the Dodgers' Triple-A affiliate is back in Albuquerque, and I didn't know. You can stop sending me emails. But seriously, when the F did that happen?

> 1.21.09 - Jason Repko
Jason Repko demands a trade? Say it ain't so! If he's not around, who will the Dodgers put on the DL in April?

> 1.15.09 - Ned Colletti
"We all had high hopes for him when he signed last year given his track record and everything that we had seen from him in the past and heard about him," said Ned Colletti after the Dodgers officially released Andruw Jones on Thursday. Really, Ned? Everything you had seen from him in the past? Like the fact that his power had steadily declined for three straight seasons? Like the fact that he hit .222 in 2007? If you had high hopes for him based on that, you're truly a moron.

> 1.12.09 - Baseball Writers Association of America
Lee Smith: 240 votes. Jesse Orosco: 1 vote. No justice, I tell ya.

> 1.7.09 - Ned Colletti
He lets Joe Beimel go so he can make an offer to Dennys Fuckin' Reyes? Is there something I'm missing?

> 1.3.09 - Rafael Furcal
Clearly someone needs to tell Rafael Furcal to stay away from Andruw Jones. From this picture of them in the Dominican Republic, it looks like Furcal is six months pregnant. (Click on photo to enlarge.)