.2007
>
12.25.07
- Santa
Claus
I ask for HGH, and
all I get are socks. What an asshole.
>
12.18.07
- The
Front Office
Assuring that no
one in the organization will have time to get to know eachother, evaluate talent,
or even sleep, the Dodgers will be splitting time in Spring Training between
Florida, Arizona, China, Anaheim, and Los Angeles. Sounds pretty logical.
>
12.17.07
- Frank
McCourt
Two weeks ago, the
Dodgers hired Charles Steinberga devoted Bostonianas executive VP
of public relations and marketing. On Friday, Camille Johnston, the Dodgers
senior VP of communications who had been with the team for two years and had
managed to actually improve the McCourts' image, announced she was calling it
quits. "Resignation," was the term used, but all indications are that
she was pushed out by an owner who still hasn't learned anything. When the turnover
rate of front-office execs practically matches the turnover rate of players
on the field, it's pretty safe to call the owner an asshole. What the hell...
and his wife, too.
>
12.13.07
- Bill
Plaschke
"By the time
Gagne and Brown were at their Dodgers peak in the 2003 season, it was obvious
to me that both players were probably on steroids," writes Bill Plaschke
in an article published Friday. "You can no longer believe Gagne's record
84-game save streak. Sorry, it's as phony as he was."
You want to talk phony? How about Bill Plaschke? When Gagne signed with Texas last year, Plaschke sung his praisesdespite being convinced he was on steroids: "We'll miss his fist pump. We'll miss his baggy pants. We'll miss his wrinkled shirt and filthy cap and dorky eyewear and killer curve. Mostly, we'll miss his nightly entrance into a stadium that was transformed into a roaring jungle, Dodgers fans bonding together on late summer nights to witness the greatest throws on Earth."
Now, just a year later, Plaschke sees George Mitchell's report and takes the easy opportunity to tear apart Gagneboth the man and his accomplishments. What a fucking joke.
>
12.12.07
- George
Mitchell
If Oscar Robles
isn't among the 80 players mentioned in the Mitchell Report to be released on
Thursday, I'm moving to Iceland.
>
12.10.07
- Eric
Gagne
Here's Eric Gagne
on October 4, 2005: I dont want to be here if were just going
to play kids and rebuild. Yeah, I put my name on a contract, and I respect that.
But the Dodgers logo was on top of that contractnot the Milwaukee
Brewers or the Las Vegas 51s. Here's Eric Gagne on December 8, 2007: "What,
$10 million? I love the Brewers." Asshole.
>
12.8.07
- Chan
Ho Park
A month ago the
Dodgers thought they had a deal with Chan Ho Park, but the former Dodger backed
out to play in Korea. Thank God, we all thought... but we spoke too soon. Last
week the Dodgers apparently finalized the deal with Park, so sadly he's a Dodger
once againalbeit a minor-leaguer with an invitation to Spring Training.
Can't wait.
>
12.5.07
- Matt
Kemp
I'd love the Dodgers
to give you a chance, but since you're obviously not long for the team, I'll
take this final opportunity to call you out for being an asshole in San Diego
this past September. If you're sitting in a sidewalk cafe on Fifth Street an
hour after a Dodger/Padre game, don't act put out when a couple of fans happen
upon you and politely want to say hello. If you don't want attention, sit the
hell inside. Here's hoping you hit .211 next year for Baltimore. Dick.
>
12.1.07
- Randy
Wolf
Great to know he'll
be throwing shutouts against the Dodgers next year in a Padres uniform.
>
11.26.07
- Raiders
fans
Out of the 90,000
seats in the Coliseum, how many do you think will be filled with Raiders fans
when the Dodgers play the Red Sox on March 29th? More importantly, how many
of them will kick your ass after your son accidentally spills soda on the 400-pounder
in front of you?
>
11.21.07
- Torii
Hunter
Torii Hunter has
signed with the Angels, and while that's fine with me, it probably means one
of two things: Ned Colletti will deplete the entire Dodgers farm system to land
Miguel Cabrera, or he'll sign Andruw Jones to a 5-year, $85 million deal.
>
11.15.07
- Barry
Bonds
Hope the heat in
hell reduces your swollen head, Barry. A-hole.
>
11.9.07
- Frank
McCourt
Gee, what do you
knowanother shady McCourt deal in the works. With Spring Training just
three months away, the Dodgers still don't know where they'll be playing their
games. Florida? China? Phoenix? The Los Angeles Coliseum? Las Vegas? As far
as the folks in Vero Beach are concerned, the Dodgers can play their exhibition
games in Helland you can't blame them for feeling that way. Read the LA
Times article.
>
11.4.07
- Luis
Gonzalez
Here's Luis Gonzalez
on September 26th: "I'm not coming back. You can write that down. It's
no secret." Here's Luis Gonzalez on November 3rd: "This is no knock
against Grady, but the credibility that Joe [Torre] and his coaches bring is
definitely intriguing." No knock against Grady? Of course it's a
knock against Grady. Enjoy playing for the Giants, a-hole.
>
11.1.07
- Bud
Selig
What an assholeSelig
gives the Dodgers permission to skip the mandatory interviews of minority candidates?
There goes my fantasy of Norihiro Nakamura being the next Dodger manager.
>
10.27.07
- Kevin
Malone
"By the grace
of God, I'm now one of the owners of a Mercedes Benz dealership." That,
and ten more minutes of rambling
about Jesus Christ from the man who once challenged a Padres fan to a fight.
>
10.23.07
- Dave
Jauss
Dodger fans might
as well throw in the towel on 2008 now that bench coach Dave Jauss is taking
a position with Pittsburgh. What an asshole.
>
10.21.07
- Red
Sox fans
You boo J.D. Drew,
you boo J.D. Drew, you boo J.D. Drew... and then you give him a fucking standing
ovation for hitting a home run. You're just as bad as Dodger fans.
>
10.16.07
- Eric
Gagne
Had he been willing
to suffer through the season with a measly $5 million or so from the Dodgers,
Eric Gagne could be relaxing quietly at home these days. Instead, he's being
cursed by millions of Red Sox fans. Aw, poor guy.
>
10.7.07
- Hacker
If you're a user
of the DB Fan Forum, you've probably figured out by now that some fuckhole has
hacked in and taken control of everything, including my username. When I return
from vacation, I'll take care of the situation by finding this dickbag and lighting
his balls on fire, but in the meantime, there's not much I can do.
>
9.30.07
- Delino
DeShields
Why? Because I happen
to be sipping out of a Delino DeShields mug as I'm trying to come up with an
Asshole of the Moment. And don't bother asking me why I have a Delino DeShields
mugI have no legitimate excuse.
>
9.26.07
- Chad
Moeller
Some people blame
this season on Grady Little, others on the injuries, others on the rookies.
Personally, I hold Chad Moeller responsible.
>
9.22.07
- Eric
Byrnes
He's like Craig
Counsell, but with talent. Blond bastard.
>
9.21.07
- Ned
Colletti
In 19 innings since
joining the Dodgers, Esteban Loaiza has issued 14 walks, has given up 21 hits
(including 7 homers), and has allowed 18 earned runs. Good thing Colletti has
him locked up for $8 million next year. Wouldn't want a guy like that to get
away.
>
9.20.07
- Bill
Plaschke
On Tuesday, I crossed
a line: I spoke highly of a Bill Plaschke article. Thankfully, with a piece
to be published on Friday, he reminds me why I generally set fire to the paper
when I see his face. Now that the Dodgers have folded, Plaschke writes that
the Dodgers' youth movement has been a failure. Sure, douche, if you're going
to judge it on half of a badly-managed season, it's a failure. But a youth movement
isn't something that begins and ends in a five month period. Sadly, Plaschke
is exactly the reason why it's so hard to have a youth movement in Los Angelesno
one has the patience. Maybe everyone lost their patience reading shitty Plaschke
articles.
>
9.18.07
- Frank
McCourt
If Frank McCourt
knew anything about sports fans, he'd understand the passion they feel... and
he'd hire people who also understand that passion. He'd hire people who understand
that loving the Dodgers doesn't always mean defending them. He'd hire people
who understand that fans need to talk shitand it doesn't necessarily mean
they'll spend less money at the stadium. He'd hire people with nothing up their
asses other than a few dingleberries. Instead, people like Josh Rawtich work
for the Dodgers. On Sunday, Rawtichthe director of public relations and
broadcastingcalled Dodger Talk host Bob Harvey during a commercial to
tell him that his show was an embarrassment for being overly critical of the
organization. Harvey, to his credit, immediately told listeners about the inappropriate
call and defended his on-air candor. (Bill Plaschkewriting something interesting
for oncedetails the episode in Wednesday's L.A. Times.) The Dodgers are
on the verge of elimination, and we're all supposed to just kiss Ned Colletti's
ass? We're supposed to talk about how Grady Little creates great lineups? We're
supposed to talk about how excited we are for Jason Schmidt and Esteban Loaiza
to win three games next year? What are the Dodgers afraid ofthat people
actually care? Fucking ridiculous.
>
9.15.07
- Brett
Tomko
Unable to pitch
an inning for the Dodgers without giving up a run, Tomko pitched six scoreless
innings on Saturday for the Padres, leading them to a 6-0 victory over the Giants.
Thanks, Brett.
>
9.13.07
- Steve
Lyons
You look like a
child molester with that facial hair. Shave it, dude.
>
9.11.07
- Brett
Tomko
A home runthat's
it? Asshole.
>
9.9.07
- Grady
Little
Why win today when
you can win tomorrow, right Grady? Fucktard.
>
9.8.07
- Rafael
Furcal
Hey Raffy, feel
free to get a base hit. Or make a good throw. Your choice.
>
9.6.07
- Brent
Cookson
Today marks the
38th birthday of Brent Cookson, the outfielder who went 1-for-5 with the Dodgers
in 1999. Happy Birthday Brent, you asshole.
>
9.5.07
- Matt
Kemp
Enough already.
Shit or get off the pot. Or at least lay off pitches that are three feet out
of the strike zone.
>
9.3.07
- Scott
Proctor
Under the heading
of "Uncalled For," you can put Scott Proctor's actions on Monday afternoon.
After seeing Proctor land awkwardly and briefly squat after throwing a pitch,
trained Stan Conte headed to the mound to check on his guyonly to have
his head bitten off. "I'm fine, I'm fine... I'm not coming out," Proctor
yelled at Conte as if the trainer had just called him a pussy. Gotta say, I
would have pissed myself had Proctor snapped his knee on the next pitch.
>
9.1.07
- Juan
Pierre
No matter what Pierre
does, he screws up. Had it not been for his completely useless two hits on Saturday
against Jake Peavy, I would have finally witnessed a no-hitter. Dick.
>
8.31.07
- Juan
Pierre
Where's the ball?
Where's the ball? Where's the ball? The same place your head is, Juanup
your own ass.
>
8.28.07
- Frank
McCourt
So, Franky is adding
all-inclusive clubs on the Field level to improve the fan experience? How about
this to improve the fan experience: Hire a general manager who has a clue. (I
say that, but sad truth is that the product on the field has very little to
do with the fan experience in Los Angeles anymore. Depressing as hell.)
>
8.26.07
- Dodgers.com
The Dodger web site
lists David Wells at 250 pounds. Christ, his shits weigh more than 250
pounds.
>
8.25.07
- Tim
McCarver
Aside from practically
sticking his tongue up Ralph Kiner's ass during the Fox broadcast on Saturday,
McCarver was part of this witty banter with partner Kenny Albert when Shea Hillenbrand
came to bat:
Albert: It's Shea at Shea.
McCarver: Shea at Shea.
>
8.25.07
- Milton
Bradley
He didn't throw
a bottle into the stands. He didn't toss a bag of baseballs on the field. He
didn't accuse a teammate of being racist. Instead, on Friday, Bradley hit a
pair of 3-run homers to help the Padres extend their lead in Wild Card race.
Come on, Milton. You've got five weeks to show your true colors and destroy
the Padres. Make us proud, asshole.
>
8.24.07
- Ned
Colletti
Mark Sweeney, Shea
Hillenbrand, Roberto Hernandez, Scott Proctor, David Wells. These are the guys
Ned Colletti thinks will get the Dodgers to the postseason? Why bother? Colletti
should have either done it right, or done nothing at all. Putz.
>
8.21.07
- This
guy
A family member
happened to come across this DB shirt-wearing guy at the Del Mar racetrack recently.
Apparently he asked to be Asshole of the Moment. Sure, what the hell,
he bought a shirt. (Speaking of which, XL and XXL's are now in stockorder
now, Olmedo.)
>
8.19.07
- Wilson
Betemit
On a day when Scott
Proctor gave up a 2-run homer in the eighth inning, the man he was traded for
knocked in four runs for the Yankees. Beautiful.
>
8.17.07
- Juan
Pierre
Juan, it's terrific
that you've suddenly figured out how to hit, but I just put up that contract
countdown on the web site like a week ago. Can you help me out and make a couple
embarrassing throws so that counter still has some goddamn validity?
>
8.15.07
- Jose
Offerman
Still angry that
the Dodgers traded him to the Royals twelve years ago for pitcher Billy Brewer
(who once had an ERA of 108.00), Jose Offerman took out his aggression during
an Independent League game on Tuesday nighthitting people with his bat.
Offerman was arrested, which leads me to wonder: Are most of the Dodger hitters
not committing crimes every friggin' night?
>
8.14.07
- Mariano
Duncan
With two on and
the Dodgers down by three in the bottom of the ninth, Mariano Duncan has one
responsibility as a first base coach: make sure the runners know how many outs
there are. Way to go, Mariano.
>
8.13.07
- Grady
Little
Andre Ethier is
the only Dodger hitting worth a shit, and where does Grady have him in the lineup?
Eighthso the opposition can pitch around him. It's no different than buying
a rose bush, putting it under the sink, and then wondering why the leaves are
turning brown. Idiot.
>
8.12.07
- Mike
Lieberthal
You blew it, dude.
Grady finally gives you a start and you go 0-for-4? Martin's catching the next
thirty-two.
>
8.10.07
- Shea
Hillenbrand
One of the biggest
dickheads in baseball has just been signed to a minor league deal with the Dodgers.
He fights with teammates, fights with managers, once called Boston GM Theo Epstein
a faggot on the radio, and he's already been released by two teams in Southern
California in the past two months. Quality guy, quality signing.
>
8.9.07
- Charley
Steiner
Charley, you seem
pretty educated, you seem like you have the ability to read. So what's the deal
with the name Encarnación? Say it with me phonetically: En-car-nah-cee-own.
There's only one R, Charley.
>
8.8.07
- Tim
Kurkjian
For the second time
in as many weeks, ESPN's Tim Kurkjian stated that Tom Glavine is a better pitcher
than Sandy Koufax ever was. It's all because of his longevity, according to
Kurkjian. As a DB reader suggests, that must make Julio Franco a better hitter
than Ted Williams.
>
8.7.07
- Al
Downing
Since the video
of Hank Aaron setting the all-time home run record figures to get a little less
airplay from now on, perhaps it's a good time to give a little attention to
the man who gave up that record-setting home run. That man, of course, is Al
Downingthe same Al Downing who deeply scarred me as a child. It's was
1984, maybe 1985. I called up post-game Dodger talk to ask a question about
the gates in the corners at Dodger Stadiumyou know, the ones that used
to swing open every time a douchebag leaned over the railing trying to snag
a ball in play. Downing listened to half my question, made me feel like an idiot
for asking such a thing, and then hung up. Well, Al, who's got the web site
now, huh? Asshole!
>
8.5.07
- Grady
Little
On Saturday, the
scoreboard at Dodger Stadium boasted that Russell Martin leads all major league
catchers in innings and games caught. Instead of that fact, the scoreboard should
have just flashed "Grady Little is a friggin' moron." Having one catcher
start 90% of your games isn't something to be proud of, it's something to be
questioned. Mike Lieberthal, a very capable backup, has started 11 games this
season. Russell Martin has started 102, including all three this weekendincluding
a day game after a night game. Yes, he's young, but he's going to get old real
quick if he doesn't get some goddamn rest. Whether he wants the rest or not,
it's time for Little to act like a manager and give Martin a day off now and
then. A-hole.
>
8.4.07
- The
Mariners
The Seattle Mariners
had originally planned to draft Darren Dreifort with the first pick in the 1993
amatuer draft. Instead, they decided that they couldn't pass up a guy named
Alex Rodriguez. On Saturday, Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th career home run. Meanwhile
on Saturday, Darren Dreifort replaced the toilet paper in his bathroom, ate
Cheetos, and took a nap.
>
8.1.07
- Frank
McCourt
"I don't think
a Los Angeles Dodger fan should have the need to be negative about anybody or
anything," said McCourt on Tuesday, giving me just another reason to be
negative.
>
7.31.07
- Mark
Hendrickson
Just anticipating
that Shmendrickson will lay a couple of fat ones over the plate for Barry on
Wednesday. You can only hope that Hendrickson leaves in the top of the first
inning with altitude sickness and Saito's brought in to go nine.
>
7.29.07
- Marlins
pitching
Thanks a lot, assholes,
for only giving up one home run to Barry Bonds. You've given up the third most
home runs in baseball, but you keep Bonds in the ballpark on Saturday and Sunday
and force him to do it in Los Angeles. Bastards.
>
7.26.07
- Brad
Penny
With two hits on
Thursday, Brad Penny is now hitting .293. On behalf of the .232-hitting Wilson
Betemit, I name Penny the Asshole of the Moment.
>
7.23.07
- Tom
Prince
It was on this day
ten years ago that Dodgers backup catcher Tom Prince hit a solo home run, one
of five that he hit during his illustrious 5-year stint with the Dodgers. Why
an asshole? I don't know.
>
7.21.07
- Kid
in the first row
It didn't end up
making a difference in the game, but Rafael Furcal was robbed of at least a
triple in the fourth inning Saturday by a little dickhead down the right field
line who decided it was okay to interfere with a ball in play. I don't know
whether he was ejected from the stadium, but clearly the fear of ejection isn't
enough to prevent people from reaching over the railing. So let's try something
new: electrically-charged railings. It might be tougher on outfielders when
they reach into the stands for a foul ball, but I guarantee you there won't
be any 15-year-olds screwing with balls in play.
>
7.19.07
- Juan
Pierre
Juan Pierre had
two hits on Thursday, but he also failed to throw out three or four guys at
home. That's nothing new, of course, since he hasn't thrown out anyone all season.
In fact, has he ever? (I'm too lazy to look it up.) Here's an idea: Before
every home game, randomly pick a fan who gets to stand next to Pierre in center
and make throws for him. Honestly, I can't stand watching him anymore.
>
7.17.07
- Mark
Hendrickson
Starting to fool
fans after a few decent appearances, Mark Hendrickson re-assumed his title as
the Most Useless Dodger Pitcher on Tuesday, giving up seven runs on eleven hits
in just three innings. A close second: Shane Victorino. A product of the Dodgers'
system, Victorino had a career-high five hits.
>
7.15.07
- Me
If I can name Juan
Pierre an asshole for his play in the outfield, Mark Hendrickson an asshole
for his pitching, or Nomar Garciaparra an asshole for his lack of power, than
it's only fair that I'm today's Asshole of the Moment. I play in a baseball
league on Sundays, and if you were there to see me play today, you'd agree that
I didn't play so much as horrify anyone within a 5-mile radius of the
field. I misjudged a ball in center, got a horrible jump on another one, made
a couple of shitty throws to the plate (like Juan Pierre shitty), struck out
on a pitch three feet out of the strike zone, grounded into a force play with
the bases loaded and nobody out, and got nailed rounding second base because
I'm a fucking idiot. And an asshole.
>
7.14.07
- ESPN
For the first time
since the network began in 1979, ESPN has acknowledged the Dodgers' existence,
awarding them an ESPY for the "best finish" to a game (for their four
consecutive homers and extra-inning walk-off against the Padres last season).
An ESPY Award? Wow, thanks ESPN, you're the best.
>
7.11.07
- Sergio
Garcia
For the second time,
Dodger minor leaguer Sergio Garcia has been suspended for testing positive for
a banned substance. Apparently what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in
Vegas. Asshole.
>
7.10.07
- Eric
Karros
The biggest question
of the All-Star evening: Has Eric Karros had a haircut since he retired?
>
7.8.07
- Stan
Conte
So, Dodger trainer
Stan Conte was apparently named to the NL All-Star training staff. Sure, he's
done a great job. Jason Schmidt is done for the season, Yhency Brazoban came
back too soon, and Nomar Garciaparra has yet to be diagnosed with Rheumatic
Fever. The Dodgers have never been healthier.
>
7.6.07
- Brett
Tomko
You wouldn't think
it's possible, but Brett Tomko is actually getting worse. It's not that often
that I want to chop off someone's hand, but I've got to tell you, the idea is
intriguing.
>
7.5.07
- Andruw
Jones
After watching Andruw
Jones catch a couple balls on Wednesday as if he were the greatest player in
the history of the game, was there any greater satisfaction than watching a
line drive roll under his glove Thursday? I almost pissed myself.
>
7.3.07
- Frank
McCourt
Frank McCourt joined
Vin Scully on the air for half an inning Tuesday to thank Dodger fans for reaching
the 175 million mark in cumulative attendance. That's what he said, but this
is what I heard: "I'm so full of shit that it's coming out my pores."
Frank, until you figure out a way to talk and actually sound like you mean what
you're saying, do yourself a favor and stay down in your little field box pretending
that you're interested in the game.
>
7.1.07
- Ned
Colletti
If there's an ounce
of truth to the rumors that Ned Colletti is dangling Matt Kemp as trade bait,
I'll rip that moustache right off his pudgy face. You sign Juan Pierre for five
years but trade Matt Kemp? I don't care who you get for him. Whoever it is,
he won't help the Dodgers make it past the first round of the goddamn playoffs...
and he'll probably leave as a free agent after the season. You want to trade
someone? Trade Wilson Betemit. Oh, what's that, Ned? Betemit has no value?
Yeah, no kidding, douche.
>
6.28.07
- Julio
Lugo
With Julio Lugo
hitless in his last 31 at-bats, it really puts a cramp in my style. I'm used
to complaining about guys doing better once they leave the Dodgers. How
can I complain about a guy doing even worse? Certainly a new dilemma
for me.
>
6.26.07
- Charley
Steiner
It was a 5-5 tie
in the ninth inning on Tuesday... only I didn't know it because Charely Steiner
wouldn't tell me the fucking score. He told me how many outs there were, he
told me who was on base, and eventually even told me the inning. But until the
inning was over, not one mention of the score. Apparently he's been hanging
around Rick Monday too long. Before you know it he'll be wearing a trenchcoat.
>
6.23.07
- Nomar
Garciaparra
So does Nomar have
the flu, or are his power numbers just making him sick to his stomach?
>
6.20.07
- Ned
Colletti
Jason Schmidt is
lost for the season, and this is what the guy who spent $47 million on him has
to say: "With all due respect, he hasn't thrown well. It's not as if he
was on his way to a Cy Young season and suddenly you lost him." A couple
weeks ago when Schmidt was on the verge of returning, Colletti likened it to
making a big trade. Now that the Dodgers lose him, it's suddenly no big deal?
>
6.17.07
- Grady
Little
Hell, if you're
putting James Loney in right field, why not try Mark Hendrickson at third? Or
Matt Kemp on the mound? Douche.
>
6.16.07
- Russell
Martin
Next time you're
going to hit someone in the head with a throw, please let it be Juan Pierre.
Or Nomar. Or Grady.
>
6.13.07
- Shawn
Green
You hit ground balls
to the right side when you were a Dodger, and now you're stealing bases and
stealing signs? A-hole.
>
6.11.07
- Jerry
Seinfeld
You may be funnier
than me, but your team lost today. You and your dirty Mets hat should stay in
New Yorkthere's no room for your kind here.
>
6.10.07
- Juan
Pierre
The captain of the
outfield? Pierre didn't look like the captain of jack shit on Sunday... although
his two-hopper to the cutoff man was a blast to watch. Not to mention his comebacker
with the bases loaded. Forty-five million dollars of fun.
>
6.8.07
- Bill
Hefley
Bill Hefley recently
celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary with wife Nancy Bea. I've been holding
out for years, waiting for Nancy to come on the market, but I guess it's not
meant to be. She'll never see my organ.
>
6.7.07
- Nomar
Garciaparra
You're up by four
runs, and you're trying to get the lead runner? I hope your twins still love
you when you get back to L.A., because I doubt Mia does.
>
6.6.07
- Ned
Colletti
Hmmmm... sign Juan
Pierre for eternity, or re-sign Greg Maddux, put Matt Kemp in center, and
have $25 million left over? A-hole.
>
6.5.07
- Jeff
Kent
Maybe it's time
to shave the moustache. Or instead, here's an idea: get a hit.
>
6.4.07
- Stan
Conte
In anticipation
of Jason Schmidt coming out of Tuesday's game in the 2nd inning with internal
bleeding, I name Stan Conte Asshole of the Moment. Not that he's ever
recommended bringing anyone back too soon from an injury or anything. Not Stan.
No way.
>
6.3.07
- Grady
Little
Well, here's something
new to add to my oft-updated list of Grady Little weaknesses: his ejection behavior.
Little was booted by home plate umpire Bill Welke in the fourth inning Sunday,
saying about six words before walking back to the clubhouse. Six words? Try
kicking some dirt. Or spitting in the ump's eyes. Or pissing on home plate.
Christ, anything. Maybe give Lou Pinella a callhe's got plenty of time
to teach you the ways of the Ejected Manager.
>
5.31.07
- Jeff
Passan
Yahoo sports columnist
Jeff Passan has compiled this year's list of the most overpaid baseball playersand
Juan Pierre isn't on it. Well, I know who's going to top my list of the most
clueless sports columnists.
>
5.29.07
- Nelson
Liriano
It was on this day
ten years ago that Dodger pinch-hitter Nelson Liriano went 1-for-1 against the
Cardinals, raising his average to .231. Why an asshole? No particular reason,
but how often do I have the opportunity to mention Nelson Liriano?
>
5.27.07
- Juan
Pierre
It took a pitch
ricocheting off Juan Pierre's knee in the 11th inning Sunday for him to finally
put the ball on the ground. Prior to getting hit by the pitch, Pierre had flown
out four times... making it sixty-two times that he's flied out this season.
At least he uses those legs running back to the dugout.
>
5.26.07
- Daryle
Ward
While it was comforting
to watch him strike out on Saturday, it's very difficult to see Daryle Ward
without thinking of 2003 when he hit .183 for the Dodgerssixty-five points
less than he ever hit prior to his L.A. stint or since. Actually, I probably
shouldn't say, "it's very difficult to see Daryle Ward..." After all,
you really can't miss him.
>
5.24.07
- Dean
Hancock
So, I realize this
isn't Dodger related, but I can't let an asshole like this slip by. Hancock,
the father of late Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock, is suing not just the restaurant
that served his son alcohol that night, but the tow truck driver whose truck
his son crashed into. And if that's not ridiculous enough, he's suing the stranded
motorist who the tow truck had stopped to help. Are you fucking kidding me?
While you're at it, Dean, why not sue the paramedics for failing to reaching
the scene quickly enough, the engineer who designed the road, and Oral-B for
making the toothbrush Josh used that morning. Anything to take responsibility
out of your son's hands, asshole.
>
5.23.07
- Ned
Colletti
Prospect Tony Abreu
is with the Dodgers now, and rumor has it that it won't take much for him to
knock Juan Pierre down in the batting order. Awesomea month and a half
into the season, and the Dodgers already know that Juan Pierre is a complete
waste of space (let alone $45 million). Good signing, Ned.
>
5.20.07
- Jeff
Kent
"This game
is such a pain in the butt, I can't wait to retire," said Jeff Kent during
a post-game rant on Saturday. Pain in the butt? Yeah, making $9 million to play
a kid's game for half the year sounds pretty terrible. You want to retire, Jeff?
Be my guest. In the two years that you've been a Dodger, the team hasn't won
a postseason game. I'm pretty sure they could do equally bad without you. Hang
up your goddamn cleats and go ride a dirt bike off a cliff.
>
5.16.07
- Chad
Kreuter
It was on this day
seven years ago that a fan seated behind the Dodger bullpen in Chicago stole
Chad Kreuter's hat, leading to a melee between players and fans that eventually
resulted in nineteen suspensions. Kreuter should have been the bigger guy, knowing
thatoh, who am I kidding? That was one of the greatest moments in Dodger
history! God bless Chad Kreuter.
>
5.15.07
- Rafael
Furcal
A fly ball to left
in the 5th inning? Unacceptable.
>
5.14.07
- Wilson
Betemit
After picking up
two hits on Monday, Wilson Betemit is inching closer to the .200 mark. Another
dozen hits or so and I might actually have to remove the Betemit hit counter.
>
5.12.07
- Derek
Lowe
Had Derek Lowe never
banged Carolyn Hughes, Dodger fans wouldn't have to spend this season watching
Adrian Garcia after each game. What an asshole.
>
5.11.07
- Juan
Pierre
Sure, you can turn
nine different directions, catch the ball over your shoulder, and then fall
on the warning track. Or you could have turned the right direction in the first
place and made a fairly routine play. A great catch or a great job making the
play look way harder than it was?
>
5.9.07
- Time
Zones
Four o'clock games
were great when I used to get home from elementary school at 3:30, but good
luck if I can catch the last ten minutes of one these days. This whole time
zone thing is getting old. Enough already. This entire country should be in
one time zone... with the exception of Bakersfield, of course, which should
just be burned.
>
5.6.07
- Rafael
Furcal
Ok, we're a week
into May. Time to mix in a base hit occasionally.
>
5.4.07
- Josh
Hancock
Well, I'm sure I'm
going to get shit for this because the guy is dead (and not a Dodger, so why
the hell am I writing about him here?), but let's look at the facts released
on Friday. When Cardinals' pitcher Josh Hancock was killed in a car wreck last
Sunday, he was drunk, he was on his cell phone, he wasn't wearing a seat belt,
he had marijuana in his car, and he was speeding. Is that all? I mean no disrespect
to the deceased or his family, but everyone is lucky that he only killed himself.
A lot of people look to athletes to set examples for kids, and Hancock has certainly
done thissetting a great example not to follow.
>
5.1.07
- Andre
Ethier
Look, I like the
fact that Ethier is the Anti-Green and will actually dive for a ball in right,
but it doesn't hurt to be a little selective. For example, hmmmm... oh, say
that you're up by a run in the eighth inning and a sinking liner is about to
drop twenty feet in front of you. Here's a thought: play it on a hop and keep
the tying run at first base. For the love of God, stop watching video of Jason
Repko.
>
4.28.07
- Ned
Colletti
Bitter over the
loss of J.D. Drew, Colletti refuses to work anything out with another Scott
Boras' client, Greg Maddux, instead signing Jason Schmidt for $47 million. Now
Schmidt is on the DL with a dead arm, and Maddux screws the Dodgers for seven
innings.
>
4.25.07
- Stadium
Operations Staff
That smell at the
end of the Giants dugout on Wednesday? No, it wasn't Barry Bonds' gas. It was
the pile of wet paper towels at the bottom of the first base camera well soaking
up raw sewage. I don't know what the source of the sewage is, but I do know
that it smelled like someone tipped over a goddamn outhouse... right into my
nostrils. According to one usher, it's been a problem since last season. The
Dodgers spend $45 million on a centerfielder they didn't need, but won't spend
$400 for a plumber?
>
4.24.07
- Derek
Lowe
Giving up a home
run to Dave Roberts is like getting mugged and robbed by an 85-year-old amputee.
Embarrassing.
>
4.21.07
- Stan
Conte
"Stan is an
expert in physical therapy and conditioning," said Ned Colletti when the
head trainer was hired in October. These days, though, the expert is sure looking
like a novice. According the the LA Times, Conte admitted that Matt Kemp (who
had to be pulled from a rehab assignment after experiencing shoulder soreness)
shouldn't have been on the field so soon. The Dodgers were "a tad greedy,"
he said. Greedy, stupid... same difference. San Francisco bastard.
>
4.18.07
- Red
Barber
It was sixty-eight
years ago today that announcer Red Barber called the action in the Dodgers'
7-3 loss to the Giants. It marked the first time a regular season Brooklyn game
was broadcast on the radio. Had Barber done a lousy job, the whole radio broadcast
thing might never have caught on, and if it never caught on, we wouldn't have
to listen to Rick Monday and Charley Steiner.
>
4.17.07
- Jason
Schmidt
Are you hurt, Jason?
"No." Are you hurt, Jason? "No." Are you hurt, Jason? "No."
Are you totally full of shit, Jason? "Yes." After weeks of suspicion,
an MRI finally revealed on Tuesday that Jason Schmidt is hurt. Techincally,
he has inflammation in his bursa sac (which sounds like something near the penis),
but only time will tell whether it's actually responsible for his drop in velocity.
My guess as to the problem? His body is off-balance because of the $47 million
in his wallet.
>
4.15.07
- Dodgers.com
A headline on the
Dodger web site this weekend reads "Dodger Notes: Kent respects Robinson."
Gee, thanks for the big revelation. All of Major League Baseball is honoring
Jackie Robinson on Sunday, but the Dodgers feel the need to specifically point
out that Jeff Kent respects him? Now if the headline read "Dodger
Notes: Kent thinks all this Robinson stuff is a crock of shit," maybe that's
worthy of a mention.
>
4.13.07
- AT&T
Apparently AT&T
blew all their money on naming rights up north and can't afford to provide me
with a FUCKING MODEM THAT WORKS. Dickheads.
>
4.12.07
- The
Wind
Instead of knocking
over the 'T' in the 'Think Blue' sign, couldn't the wind have blown up an S
at the end?
>
4.11.07
- Stan
Conte
So, Rafael Furcal
had to leave his rehab game in the 6th inning on Wednesday after his sprained
left ankle tightened. Hmmm, do you think maybe it tightened because it wasn't
quite healed yet? Do you think maybe it tightened because he should still be
sitting on the bench at Dodger Stadium instead of running the bases in Rancho
Fuckin' Cucamonga? Good call, head trainer.
>
4.9.07
- Levy
Restaurants
I don't know about
the rest of the stadium, but by the seventh inning on Monday afternoon, at least
a good portion of the Field level was apparently out of Dodger Dogs. Unless
Olmedo Saenz placed a huge order from the dugout, how the hell do you run out
of Dodger Dogs on Opening Day? Good thing most people lost their appetite when
Rudy Seanez took the mound.
>
4.8.07
- Grady
Little
With Rafael Furcal
apparently making progress, the Dodgers sound like they could be activating
him any day now... which would be a horrible mistake. With Wilson Valdez and
Ramon Martinez obviously capable of filling in for a few more days, what's the
point of rushing it and risking another injury? Grady Little needs to take a
page out of his "How to Baby J.D. Drew" book and keep Furcal on the
shelf until next week.
>
4.6.07
- Vin
Scully
Vinny, you're the
best, but if you want to make love to Omar Vizquel, just do it already and stop
obsessing about it during the broadcast.
>
4.5.07
- Tommy
Lasorda
Just because Tommy
is as big as the planet, he thinks he's got the right to go anywhere on it.
Well, not the press box at Anaheim Stadium apparently. On Thursday night, security
personnel wouldn't allow Tommy in the press box without proper credentials.
Fat boy must have threatened to eat the security, though, because he was eventually
let in... so he could tell everyone how he taught Mike Piazza everything he
knows.
>
4.3.07
- Jason
Repko
The Dodgers acknowledged
on Tuesday that Rafael Furcal won't come off the disabled list on Saturday when
he's eligible. Furcal hasn't fielded ground balls, swung a bat, or run since
the injury. He has, however, tortured and mutilated the Jason Repko voodoo doll
that his teammates gave him.
>
4.1.07
- Frank
McCourt
It may be a new
season, but some things don't change.
>
3.29.07
- Eric
Gagne
So... the sun rises,
lesbians are hot, and Eric Gagne is on the DL. Go fucking figure. Here's a tip
for Eric: Next time someone asks you how your arm feels, instead of saying it's
never felt better and then proving it by throwing a bowling ball over a building,
maybe just shrug your shoulders or something. Just a thought.
>
3.27.07
- Andy
La ...Roche
Though he's never
played a day in the major leagues, Andy LaRoche showed up at Spring Training
with a message: Spell my last name with a space. Now, a month later, La Roche
has changed his tune, saying "I'm not sure what I was thinking." Well,
here's what I'm thinking: He's an asshole. (And you can spell that asshole,
ass hole, or ass-hole.)
>
3.24.07
- Grady
Little
If Rafael Furcal
isn't ready for Opening Day, don't expect Nomar to make the logical switch to
short with James Loney slipping in at first. Instead, it looks like Little would
go with Tony Abreu at shortstopa position he doesn't play. Little will
tell you that he doesn't want Nomar getting hurt, but if that's the case, why
even play him at all? Why not just put him in a display case behind home plate
and let people take pictures of him?
>
3.22.07
- Jason
Repko
Look, it's great
to give it your all, dive, and injure yourself, but at least have the sense
to pretend you're ok and keep the injury a secret for five months until you're
hitting .102 in September. Get with the program, man.
>
3.20.07
- Dodger
marketing department
The Dodgers might
not be the right ones to blame for this, but what the hell. It's now late March,
more than three months after Eric Gagne signed with the Rangers, and more than
two years since he regularly appeared for the Dodgers. Yet, on the wall at Union
Station in Downtown LA remains a giant Gagne poster. Rumor has it there's a
Greg Brock billboard still up in Torrance.
>
3.17.07
- Bell
ringer
Great to watch the
first telecast of Spring Training on Saturday... except for having to listen
to some jackass ring a fucking bell all game long. Unless it was a bell to remind
the seniors to take their medicine, that guy should fall into an alligator-infested
Florida swamp.
>
3.13.07
- Eric
Gagne
"It's the best
I've felt in two years," said Eric Gagne, after pitching for the Rangers
on Monday. Gee, never heard that before.
>
3.11.07
- Jeromy
Burnitz
Former Dodger Jeromy
Burnitz announced his retirement on Sunday, so this is our last chance to recognize
a guy who hit .204 as a Dodger but then spent the next few years hitting home
runs against them. Retired asshole.
>
3.7.07
- Lazy
Dodger fans
Yes, Frank McCourt
has increased parking at the stadium to $15 a car. Yes, he's a dick. But you're
the bigger asshole for actually paying the $15. Unless you've got gangrene and
can't walk more than a couple hundred feet, park your friggin' car outside the
stadium and get some goddamn exercise. Believe me, you can find parking... unless,
of course, McCourt manages to convince the City of LA to ban street parking
around the stadium, in which case he can eat my rotting dingleberries.
>
3.3.07
- Juan
Pierre's dad
Talking about his
name to the LA Times, Juan Pierre acknowledged that he was named after Juan
Marichalhis dad's favorite player. Christ, he might as well be named Joe
Morgan. Or Bobby Thompson. Or Beat L.A. What an asshole.
>
3.1.07
- Omar
Daal
A huge controversy
is brewing. Thursday, it seems, is the birthday of former Dodger Omar Daal.
Or is it? Some sources list his birthday as March 1st, but others list
is as February 23rd. So which is it? Come on Omar, fork over the birth certificate.
A-hole.
>
2.26.07
- Steve
Finley
Well, the NL West
slut keeps getting around. Steve Finley has signed a minor league deal with
the Colorado Rockiesthe only team in the West he hasn't played for. Whore.
>
2.24.07
- Andre
Ethier
It turns out that
Andre Etheir was hurt last season when he began to slump after his amazing start.
So, rather than telling anyone about the injury for fear he'd lose his starting
job, he began to struggle in August and hit .143 in September. Yeah, that'll
keep your job. Brilliant.
>
2.18.07
- Eric
Gagne
So, Eric Gagne says
that the Dodgers didn't show enough interest in him over the offseason, and
that's why he signed with Texas. Geez, forgive the Dodgers for not getting on
their knees to blow a guy who pitched fifteen innings over the last two years.
Four million dollars guaranteed and another $6 million in incentives, and that's
not enough interest? Jackass.
>
2.15.07
- Frank
McCourt
Heard Frank McCourt
talking about the Dodgers this morning, and about the "so-called big bat"
that they didn't get. So-called big bat? That's just something teams
without a big bat say.
>
2.11.07
- Joe
Beimel
Joe Beimel made
$425,000 last season, and then, as we all know, was unavailable in the playoffs
because of his own stupidity. Beimel asked the Dodgers to accept his apology...
and then asked for $1.25 million. That takes some serious balls. That's like
being a cop and shooting an unarmed kid holding a kitty... and then asking for
a promotion. Unfortunately for Joe, he lost the arbitration case, and his salary
has been set at $912,000. Poor guy.
>
2.5.07
- Southern
California Sports Broadcasters Association
Unless the "Special
Award" that the SCSB association gave to Rick Monday yesterday was for
managing to go an entire season without giving the score, they should be ashamed
of themselves.
>
1.22.07
- Wayne
Kirby
Monday marks Wayne
Kirby's 43rd birthday. Had he never been born, he wouldn't have hit .169 for
the Dodgers in 1997.
>
1.15.07
- Ned
Colletti
On Monday, the Dodgers
avoided arbitration with Mark Hendrickson, agreeing on a 1-year, $2.9 million
contract. Geez, good thing they avoided arbitration. I mean, there's no telling
what an arbitrator would have awarded a pitcher with a 6-15 record.
>
1.1.07
- Frank
McCourt
Hey, gotta start
the new year off right.