.2005
>
12.26.05
- Dude
who can't read
Even though we've posted notice that we're on vacation, it's
a sure thing that some asshole will email us asking why we haven't updated the
site. You, my friend, are an asshole.
>
12.24.05
- Salvation
Army bell ringers
Look, all I want to do is pick up a couple greeting cards at
Rite Aid. But I can't do it without some dude ringing a bell in my face and
making me feel bad because I won't throw a quarter in his little red kettle.
If the money was going into the Dodger rotation, maybe I'd donate, but toys
for children? Meals for the poor? Clothes for the homeless? What kind of causes
are those? Jesus.
>
12.21.05
- Steve
Howe
Nice example he set for his son, Brian, who was arrested earlier
this month in Santa Clarita on a charge of possession of a controlled substance.
The Valencia High School baseball coach said Brian would be disciplined, meaning
he'll need just six more suspensions to match his Daddy's total.
>
12.18.05
- Frank
McCourt
Hey Frank, don't think that you're suddenly a hero just because
the Furcal, Mueller, and Garciaparra signings happen to be fairly well-received.
You're still an asshole.
>
12.14.05
- Ned
Colletti
After trading Milton Bradley on Tuesday, Colletti said he did
all he could to find a way to keep the volatile outfielder. If that's the case,
you'd think he could have picked up the phone and given Milton a call. But he
didn't. Nor did he call Jeff Kent. Real throrough job, Ned.
>
12.12.05
- J.T.
Snow
If you've spent nine seasons with the Giants, you're an asshole.
Period. Saving Dusty Baker's kid doesn't make you Dodger material. Ned Colletti,
however, seems to be pursuing the 38-year-old first baseman. Considering that
Snow hit a whopping four home runs last season, who can blame him?
>
12.8.05
- Ned
Colletti
Milton Bradley to Toronto for Miguel Friggin' Batista??? Colletti
must be smoking Batista's stats, because he's sure as hell not reading them.
Christ, man... don't make that move.
>
12.7.05
- Jason
Grabowski
So much for the Dodgers winning it all in 2006. Jason Grabowski—the
team's heart and soul—has signed a 1-year deal with the Orix Buffaloes
of the Japanese Pacific League, who are apparently in need of a .196 hitter.
Come on, Jason, say it ain't so.
> 12.6.05 - Ned Colletti
It's great that the Dodgers are now at least in the mix when it comes to trade rumors, but Alfonso Soriano? Sure, he can hit home runs, but what exactly is Colletti's problem with Cesar Izturis (other than the fact that he'll miss half the season)? Rafael Furcal obviously displaces Izturis from shortstop, and if Soriano and Kent were to make up the right side of the infield, Izturis—probably the best fielding shortstop in the league and a guy Dodger fans have come to love watching—would be relegated to cleaning the shit stains out of Ricky Ledee's shorts.
>
12.4.05
- Jeff
Kent & Milton Bradley
Without a doubt, the Dodgers are a better team with Jeff Kent
and Milton Bradley. However, because Bradley and Kent are big babies
who can't get along, Bradley figures to be tradedpossibly to the Cubs,
A's, or Yankees. Hey, jackoffs: put your personal shit aside, realize that the
Dodgers need both of you, and tell Ned that it's all good.
>
11.30.05
- Tommy
Hawkins
Former Dodger VP Tommy Hawkins blasted the organization this
week, saying that the team is in complete disarray, the front office is totally
disjointed, and that some of Frank McCourt's recent personnel decisions make
him "want to throw up." So much bashing, but nothing about the fact
that they're about to lose Elmer Dessens? Come on, Tommylet's focus on
the important stuff.
>
11.24.05
- Frank
McCourt
Another day, another candidate declining an interview. Gee, why
would so many people be afraid to work for the Dodgers? Hmmmmm.
>
11.23.05
- Bud
Black
The Dodgers have invited Blackthe Angels' pitching coachto
interview for manager, but he won't accept the interview. But he won't decline
the interview either. Look, you Angel prick: yes or no. Don't
make it harder than it already is for the Dodgers to find a manager.
>
11.19.05
- Orel
Hershiser
On Friday, Hershiser resigned as pitching coach of the Rangers,
taking a position in their front office. Geez, a little impatient, isn't he?
He goes out and gets another job just because the Dodgers interviewed him two
months ago, haven't talked to him since, have hired a new GM, and are interviewing
other people for the managerial vacancy? What a jerk.
>
11.16.05
- You
people
Jesus Christ, people, you're missing the point of the "Introducing
Rabbi Hitler" headline. Do we really have to explain? Fine. We're equating
the Dodgers hiring of a guy from the Giants (the most hated of foes) to a temple
turning to Hitler for a leader. Pretty simple. We're not suggesting Ned Colletti
is a nazi, we're not trivializing the deaths of millions of Jews, and we're
not making a pitch for the swastika to be added to the Dodger uniforms. Please
stop sending us stupid emails.
>
11.15.05
- Al
Campanis
It all started with one stupid comment. Now the Dodgers are on
their 10th general manager. What an asshole.
>
11.14.05
- Ned
Colletti
We don't know much about this guy, but we do know that he's been
in San Francisco for nine years. That means he rides some dude named Bart, shits
orange and black, and hates the Dodgers. Screw that.
>
11.10.05
- Camille
Johnston
Congrats to CamileAsshole of the Moment twice in a week.
Responding to a reporter's question about a phone survey the Dodgers are conducting,
the Dodgers' VP of communication had this to say: "There
is a difference between corporate ownership and family ownership. Our goal is
to determine how many of our customers know that we're a family-owned organization."
First of all, we're baseball fans, not customers. If you guys had a little bit
of respect for us, we wouldn't hate you so much. Second, you can pass this on
to Frank: Instead of worrying about how many people know the Dodgers are family-owned,
why don't you worry about GETTTING A GODDAMN GENERAL MANAGER BEFORE THE APOCALYPSE.
>
11.7.05
- Baseball
owners
If baseball owners weren't so uptight, they'd realize that the
sport needs cheerleaders. Then, if we're all really lucky, Dodger cheerleaders
might be caught having sex with each other in a bathroom stall, just like the
Carolina
Panthers' cheerleaders over the weeekend.
>
11.5.05
- Camille
Johnston
Listen to this one from Dodger spokesperson Camille Johnston
after rumors spread that John Hart was no longer interested in being Dodger
GM: "We aren't commenting on the selection process, but we have no reason
to believe he doesn't have interest." Way to stay true to your word, Camille.
You're a perfect fit.
>
11.4.05
- John
Hart
Yeah, that's what the Dodgers need—a guy who gave $65 million
to Chan Ho Park.
>
11.1.05
- Peter
O'Malley
Imagine if that bastard never sold the Dodgers. Mike Scioscia
would be the manager, Mike Piazza would be about to begin his 14th season in
L.A., and Mike Judd... uh... nevermind.
>
10.30.05
- Frank
McCourt
Frank McCourt is an asshole not for firing Paul DePodesta, but
for doing so when Dodger Blues was out of town for three days without an internet
connection. That's chicken shit.
>
10.25.05
- Pedro
Guerrero
It was on this date in 1981 that Steve Yeager and Pedro Guerrero
hit back-to-back home runs in the 7th inning to lift the Dodgers to a 2-1 World
Series victory over the Yankees. Why does that make Guerrero an asshole? Not
sure, but he did go on a 2-day drug binge with O.J. Simpson's girlfriend in
'99, so that's good enough for us.
>
10.23.05
- Paul
DePodesta
How nice of Paul to interview Orel Hershiser. The way he waited
for a week after his initial four interviews to even contact Hershiser really
speaks of his high regard for the former Dodger. Orel, don't be surprised if
DePodesta's laptop is open as you're rambling on about how you lowered the Rangers'
team ERA to 4.96.
>
10.16.05
- Orel
Hershiser
Asked about the possibilty of interviewing for the Dodgers' managerial
position, Hershiser said this: "Just as I was excited in the Oakland job,
I'm even more excited about the Dodger job. I'm also excited about remaining
the Texas Ranger pitching coach and finishing the job we started." Hershiser
also went on to say he's excited about having some orange juice, excited about
going to Pep Boys this weekend, and excited about the new roll of toilet paper
in his bathroom.
>
10.12.05
- Alan
Trammell
Trammell, who interviews with the Dodgers on Tuesday, makes us
think of Bubba Trammell, who played with the Dodgers in Spring Training '04.
While supposedly there's no relation, the Dodgers shouldn't take the chance.
>
10.7.05
- Frank
McCourt
So, old Frankie is "disappointed" that Eric Gagne vented
to the paper this week about the pathetic state of the organization instead
of venting to him directly. Maybe instead of being disappointed, weasel-face
should take it as a sign that he'd better get his shit together. Eric Gagne
isn't stupid, nor is he a troublemaker, so if he's going to the media, you know
things must seem pretty goddamn hopeless. God bless Gagne for speaking up. McCourt
should be happy that there's at least one person on the Dodgers who cares enough
to be upset.
>
10.5.05
- Mickey
Owens
It was on this day in 1941 that Mickey Owens' passed ball in
the bottom of ninth with two outs and two strikes in Game 4 of the World Series
turned a sure 4-3 Brooklyn win into a heartbreaking 7-4 loss to the Yankees.
What a dick.
>
10.4.05
- You
douchebags
Relax, nutjobs. The Gibson clock will be back in a couple days...
the Tracy clock is just a joke. We didn't just rape your mom, so please spare
us the angry emails as if we did.
> 10.4.05 - Frank McCourt
The Dodgers dismiss Jim Tracy, and Frank McCourt can't take 30 seconds to give the guy a call and say goodbye. If there was ever an asshole move, that was it.
> 10.3.05 - Former Dodgers
It is out of sheer bitterness and jealousy that we name the following playoff-bound former Dodgers as the Assholes of the Moment: Brian Jordan, Todd Hollandsworth, Jose Vizcaino, Pedro Astacio, Chan Ho Park, Rudy Seanez, David Ross, Eric Young, Dave Roberts, Al Reyes, Mark Grudzielanek, Alex Cora, Paul Konerko, Steve Finley, Bubba Crosby, Tanyon Sturtze, and Gary Sheffield.
>
10.1.05
- Jim
Tracy
If these are Jim Tracy's final days as Dodger manager, he'll
spend them as Asshole of the Moment. It's only fair. (Honorable Mention, however,
goes to DePodesta & McCourt, who say they're mulling over whether to give
Tracy an extension. Mulling, huh? If you wanted him back, you'd have given him
an extension yesterday. Spare everyone your bullshiteven Dodger fans aren't
that stupid.)
>
9.28.05
- Yhency
Brazoban
Here's your assignment this offseason, Yhency: study the strike
zone. Notice how it's of decent size. Notice how there's an inside corner. Notice
how there's an outside corner. Notice that there's a high strike. Notice that
there's a low strike. Notice how there are many places to throw the ball other
than RIGHT DOWN THE GODDAMN MIDDLE.
>
9.26.05
- Dodger
Stadium ushers
With the season a lost cause, the Dodger stadium ushers should
be instructed to give oral pleasure to the loyal fans who actually come out
to support this hellhole of a team. Instead, the ushers are making themselves
useful by ordering fans (yeah, me) to move back to their original seats (five
fucking rows back, mind you) in the bottom of the 8th inning of a 9-4 game attended
by no more than 175 people. Kind ushers, may you all be struck in the knees
by Jason Phillips' Kia Sportage as he leaves the stadium. Assholes.
>
9.25.05
- Daryle
Ward
Despite the fact that Ward went 0-for-4 against the Dodgers on
Sunday, it's still disturbing to see that he's hitting .260 with 63 RBIs and
21 doubles... and looks about 20 cheeseburgers lighter than he did when he was
a Dodger.
> 9.21.05 - Paul DePodesta
So, what's Paul DePodesta's big plan for turning the Dodgers around in 2006? Prayer, apparently. On Tuesday, DePodesta discussed next season, saying "A healthy Eric Gagne and a healthy J.D. Drew will make a big difference." Well, so would a 12-inch penis, but that's probably not going to happen, now is it? Banking on a healthy Gagne and Drew is like expecting that your incontinent dog won't diarrhea on your bed. It's just stupid.
>
9.20.05
- Shawn
Green
Now that the games don't matter, you go 0-for-4 against the Dodgers.
Thanks.
>
9.18.05
- Jim
Tracy
Did the Dodgers lose three games over the weekend? Yes, they
did. Are the Dodgers 15 games below .500? Yes, they are. Are there just thirteen
games left in the season? Yes, it seems that's the case. Is Jim Tracy assured
of his first losing season as manager of the Dodgers? You're goddamn right he
is.
>
9.16.05
- Monique
Bradley
With Milton Bradley's 911 calls released on Thursday, it's clear
that everything was his wife's fault. "I have a bad temper," a composed
Milty told a 911 dispatcher in June. "And I went through anger management
and I've been doing all this stuff because it was starting to affect my career.
I don't need that." By that, Bradley is referring to the fact that
his awful wife apparently scratched and pulled on him. No man needs that. All
Bradley had done was choke her, bloody her lip, and push her against a wall.
Damn woman, why the scratching?
>
9.15.05
- Eric
Karros
Eric, you're probably right when you say that next year will
be "another year of suffering" for the Dodgers, but is it necessary
to still be so bitter about the fact you were traded for Todd Hundley and Chad
Hermansen? Get over it.
>
9.13.05
- Jim
Tracy
As if putting together one of the worst lineups of the year wasn't
bad enough on Tuesday, Tracy really pulled off a genius move in the 8th inning.
With the tying runs on base and two out, Tracy used Antonio Perez (leading the
Dodgers in batting average) as a pinch-runner, and left Jason Phillips (a .237
hitter) at the plate to hit. Why not use Jason Repko to pinch-run? And if you're
stuck on having Perez pinch run, why not hit Olmedo Saenz for Phillips? Oh,
that's right... you've got to save Saenz for the ninth inning when the bases
are empty. Douchebag.
>
9.12.05
- Tommy
Lasorda
There you are in Louisiana with nothing. You've lost your home,
your belongings, your job, family members... but waitis that Tommy Lasorda??
Oh, LIFE IS GOOD! Hey Tommy, could you autograph this shirt I've been wearing
for two weeks? Ricotta-faced bastard.
>
9.10.05
- Kelly
Wunsch
Kelly Wunsch was lost for the season in July when he tore a ligament
in his right ankle making a warmup pitch in the bullpen. Now, Wunsch will undergo
surgery on his left hip. What, did he hurt his hip lying on the fucking couch?
>
9.7.05
- Vin
Scully
Look Vinny, we love you. But you've got to stop giving
us the play-by-play of the Padres games every four seconds. It's the beginning
of September and the Dodgers are six games out. If Khalil Greene happens to
scratch his crotch with two guys on base, we're fine reading about it in the
paper tomorrow.
>
9.6.05
- Dr.
Lewis Yocum
There's something very disturbing about the Angels' team physician
helping Barry Bonds recover from his knee injury. Hey Yocum, next time you run
into Eric Gagne at the Kerlan-Jobe Clinic, why not just punch him in the nuts
while you're at it? Stethoscope bastard.
>
9.4.05
- Chad
Fonville
On this date ten years ago, Chad Fonville went 0-for-4. What
an asshole.
>
9.2.05
- Rockies'
scoreboard operator
So, the count is 1-3, huh? And the Dominican guy at the plate
is Jeff Kent? Get it together, putz.
>
8.31.05 - Steve
Lyons
As Charley Steiner left the broadcast booth for an inning to sing "Take
Me Out to the Ball Game" on Wednesday afternoon at Wrigley, all Steve Lyons
had to do was handle the play-by-play for about five minutes. Instead, he spent
most of the time doing absolutely nothing. At one point, there was complete
silence for a major league record 31 seconds. There were also periods of dead
air for 24 seconds and 11 seconds. Vin Scully he is not.
>
8.29.05 - Jeromy
Burnitz
Two home runs agains the Dodgers on Monday? He can go to hell.
>
8.28.05 - Shawn
Green
Forget about the fact that Green hit a grand slam for the Diamondbacks on
Sunday. More disturbing is the fact that he named his newborn daughter Chandler.
What an asshole.
>
8.24.05 - Milton
Bradley
If you can put aside the embarrassment he's bringing to his teammates, the
Dodger organization, and the fans, the saddest part about the whole Bradley
situation is that he's ruining what could be a pretty damn good career. Milton
Bradley is a great ballplayer. He's a smooth outfielder, a smart baserunner,
and a natural hitter. How many guys do you see hit 420ft home runs and then
try to bunt for a base hit in their next at-bat? Controversy-free, he's got
as much potential as anybody. Way to keep fucking it up, Milton.
>
8.23.05 - Jeff
Weaver
Milton Bradley has an episode, and Jeff Weaver has the nerve to try to grab
the attention by getting three hits and three RBIs. What an asshole.
>
8.21.05 - Caesar
Izturis
Three months ago, we named Izturis the Asshole of the Moment for embarrassing
his teammates by getting too many hits. Since then, Cesar he's hit about .180...
leading us to name him Asshole of the Moment againthis time for embarrassing
the 1.6 million people who voted him an All-Star.
>
8.19.05 - Charley
Steiner
Note to Steiner: His name is Juan EN-CAR-NAH-CEE-OWN. Yes, it's fairly
long, but it's doable. Maybe practice when you're lying in bed at night. Or
when you're on the can. Or in the drive-thru lane. Please, we beg of you.
>
8.16.05 - Scott
Boras
The Dodgers don't appear close to signing their top draft pick because his
agent is Scott Boras and Scott Boras is, well, an asshole. Luke Hochevar was
Baseball America's college pitcher of the year, but you'd think he has a 120-mph
fastball and a 12-inch dick from what Boras is demanding: $4 million and a major
league contract. Scott, you F'd the Dodgers with Kevin Brown and Darren Dreifortwhattya
say you take $2 million for Hochevar and stop destroying baseball? Prick.
>
8.14.05 - Fred
Claire
As Pedro Martinez took a no-hitter into the eighth inning on Sunday, our
thoughts kept turning to Delino DeShields... his .220 average, his plastic face
mask, his incessant bitching about the racial makeup of the team. With constant
thoughts of Delino, our precious Sunday was ruined. Screw Fred Claire for that.
Screw him in his wrinkled bunghole.
>
8.10.05 - Paul
DePodesta
The Dodger bullpen is a total disaster and DePodesta goes out and spends
a million dollars on an outfielder who was over-the-hill before he even reached
the hill. Brilliant.
>
8.8.05 - Milton
Bradley
With the Dodgers' season fading away and the team a complete bore, the time
has come for Bradley to lose his mind. Kick an ump in the nuts, piss on a fan,
light the outfield wall on fire. Do anything. Please. We're begging you.
>
8.5.05 - Gary
Sheffield
Three years removed from L.A., it's nice to know that Gary Sheffield still
hasn't learned how to keep his mouth shut. In an interview with New York Magazine,
Sheffield was typically humble: "I know who the leader is on the team.
I ain't going to say who it is, but I know who it is. I know who the team feeds
off." He went on to deride the Yankees' for their worship of Derek Jeter
and A-Rod, and then, of course, played the race card: "It happens because
you're white and I'm black. My interpretation of things is different. You don't
see it the way I see it. You write how you understand it, how you would articulate
it, not how I, as a black man, would articulate it." Well, Gary, here's
how we'd articulate it: You're an asshole.
>
8.4.05 - You
people
Stop emailing us about Derek Lowe and Carolyn Hughes. If you want gossip,
go read the goddamn tabloids. We run a respectable web site and will not write
anything that threatens our journalistic integrity. Penis.
>
8.1.05 - Yhency
Brazoban
Yhency is married to Yoneidi. Their first daughter is named Yelaini. Their
second daughter, born last week, was just named Yoneider. Yhency, Yoneidi, Yelaini,
and Yoneider. Something tells us that if Brazoban ever has a boy, he won't be
named Jason. (Maybe Yason, though.)
>
7.31.05 - The
Trade Deadline
All hype, no deals. Jeff Weaver is still a Dodger, Adam Dunn is still a
Red, and Paul DePodesta is apparently still playing Tetris. (Actually, according
to ESPN.com, he's John DePodesta.)
>
7.28.05 - David
Ross
Former Dodger catcher David Ross, who was recently optioned to the minors
by the Pirates, was acquired by the San Diego Padres on Thursday, adding to
the team's collection of former Dodgers. Terrificnow, with the division
on the line on the last weekend of the season, Paul Quantrill can shut down
the Dodgers for three innings, Dave Roberts can walk and steal second, and David
Ross can drive in the winning run. Can't wait.
>
7.25.05 - The
Jason Patrol
Yeah, we all get it by now: the Dodgers have a lot of Jasons. Add the Reds'
battery to the mix in the 7th inning Monday, and there wasn't a single player
on the field with a different name. But can we please let it go? Is Dodger baseball
that boring? Wait, don't answer that.
>
7.22.05 - Frank
McCourt
So, the Dodgers are planning more changes for Dodger Stadium. Among them,
another advertising ribbon will be wrapped around the Reserved Level. Why not
just shove a Fed Ex envelope up the ass of each fan as they enter the ballpark?
Or, better yet, stamp Dodger Dogs with an Adelphia logo. Scumbags.
>
7.19.05 - Milton
Bradley
As Milton Bradley gets his body ready for a return to the team, he's getting
his mouth ready, too. "When
I was in (the lineup), it felt different," Bradley told the Daily News
on Tuesday."When I'm not in there, we don't have that same fire. We have
more low-key guys. I felt like every guy was trying to outdo the next guy. Now,
we're back to being flat, except for Kent. He knows what to do." Look,
nobody's going to argue with what Bradley is saying, but do his teammates really
need to know that he hates them?
>
7.15.05 - Curt
Schilling
Just off the disabled list, Curt Schilling came in for the Red Sox on Thursday
as a closer. All closers have music, so what song did Schilling come out to?
It sort of sounded familiar... hmmm... what's the name of that song... oh, that's
right, it's called Welcome to the Jungle. Schilling promptly blew the
save, and hopefully contracted malaria on his way home. What an asshole.
>
7.14.05 - Brad
Penny
You're a huge dude, and we're a little scared of you, but WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING GETTING KICKED OUT IN THE THIRD INNING? Blue might have been a
little quick with the boot, but why even give him a reason to look at you? When
you're the only Dodger starter who's capable of pitching a good seven or eight
innings, just walk off the field, kick Mike Rose in the nuts if you have to,
and worry about your pitching. Monster.
>
7.13.05 - Jeff
Shaw
It was seven years ago that Jeff Shaw debuted for L.A.wearing the
Dodger uniform in the '98 All-Star game before ever throwing a pitch for the
team. Time really flies, but time doesn't erase the memories of a blown save
a week. What an asshole.
>
7.11.05 - Reggie
Jackson
Reggie, you may be Mr. October, but it's July... and you're not playing
anymore. So shut the F up and let Hee Seop have his moment. Old bastard.
>
7.10.05 - Hee
Seop Choi
In anticipation of Choi coming in last in the Home Run Contest and further
disgracing the Dodger name, Hee's Asshole of the Moment. (Of course, since we've
named him that, he'll probably win.)
>
7.6.05 - Jason
Phillips
What, you're too special to get injured? You're better than your teammates?
You think it's all cool to be healthy? Asshole.
>
7.4.05 - Chin-Feng
Chen
Chin-Feng Chen, who in parts of three seasons has never done so much as
ground out to shortstop, was called up on Monday to replace J.D. Drew on the
roster. His first at bat came with the bases loaded and the Dodgers down 3-0
in the 7th inning. Unbelievably, he singled up the middle, driving in two runs.
So startled were we that Chen actually did something meaningful, we forgot about
the cherry bomb we had just lit. Moments later there was an explosion and the
Dodger Blues offices were in ruins. Broken glass... burning furniture... charred
pieces of Brian Jordan bobbleheads. If there's a lesson to be learned, though,
it's not to play with fireworks... especially when crappy Dodgers are batting.
>
7.2.05 - Dodger
fans
So let's get this straight: you interfere with balls in play at least a
couple times a game, but when there's a ball that's legitimately in the stands,
you quickly back away and let Luis Gonzalez reach two rows into the seats to
rob Jason Phillips of a game-tying homer. Stupid bastards.
>
7.1.05 - Jim
Tracy
Is Jim Tracy a corpse? Actually, there are corpses with more personality
than Tracy. Jesus, man, show us a sign that you're alive. Listening to Tracy
be interviewed, you wouldn't know whether he just won, lost, or had his anal
virginity taken by a buffalo.
>
6.29.05 - Shawn
Green
In anticipation of three home runs and a permanent smile this weekend, Shawn
Green is Asshole of the Moment.
>
6.28.05 - Khalil
Greene
Khalil, we hope your dick gets caught in the bathtub.
>
6.26.05 - Jason
Phillips
You say "most definitely" one more time in an interview and we'll
most definitely shove shards of glass in our ears.
>
6.24.05 - Paul
DePodesta
So, DePodesta now acknowledges that "chemistry is critical." Yeah,
it's critical when a team doesn't have any.
>
6.23.05 - Ligaments
They tear, they strain, they need to be replaced. Ligaments suck. F 'em.
>
6.22.05 - Antonio
Perez
Until you learn how to bunt, you'll be up here. A-hole.
>
6.21.05 - Antonio
Perez
First and second, nobody out in the ninth inning. Perez bunts... right back
to Trevor Hoffman. Next time you try to sacrifice, Antonio, maybe just catch
the ball and hand it to the pitcher.
>
6.20.05 - Kevin
Towers
In an era where baseball is more mixed than a Jamba Juice smoothie, the
Padres GM has managed to assemble not only the whitest team in the last 50 years,
but a team Hitler would be proud to call his own. Khalil Greene, Robert Fick,
Jake Peavy, Sean Burroughs, Ryan Klesko, Brian Giles... the list goes on and
on. Look, we're not saying these guys are anti-Semitic, but it's probably a
good idea to keep your yarmulka away from Petco Park just to be safe.
>
6.17.05 - Al
Downing
If there was ever an Asshole of the Moment, it's Al Downing. Actually, he's
an asshole of many moments. Among his other problems, Downingwho apparently
knows even more about baseball than Joe Morganfeels the need to belittle
Charley Steiner every chance he gets. On Friday, Downing was in rare form. When
Steiner said that Mike Edwards has been a pleasant surprise, Downing countered
by saying that Edwards was impressive during spring training. When Steiner talked
about how Olmedo Saenz' is prone to injury, Downing said that players are actually
very resilient. When Steiner made the innocent observation that Mike Rose blocked
the plate like a goaltender, Downing pointed out that it was just a basic play
for a catcher. When Steiner stated that the Dodgers failed to get guys in scoring
position, Downing said that sometimes you have to give credit to the opposing
pitcher. When Steiner mentioned that Scott Podsednik has a .365 on base percentage,
Downing suggested that a player's OBP isn't as important as what he does once
he gets on base. When Steiner said that it hurts to get hit in the ribs, Downing
said that it hurts more when a ball hits you on the elbow. Meanwhile, Downing
is busy making brilliant comments such as "Baseball is not a five man game."
How long before Charley Steiner punches Downing in the nuts?
>
6.15.05 - Jose
Lima
You really forget how much this a-hole's dancing and prancing gets on your
nerves when he's on the opposing team. On Wednesday, Lima had plenty of reason
to hop around like a rabbit on fire, doing a job on the lethargic Dodgers. Revenge
may be sweet, Jose, but you're still on the Royals.
>
6.14.05 - Eric
Gagne
So, Eric Gagne is headed back to the DL. It's a killer for the Dodgers to
lose their closer, but even worse is how it'll prolong Jim Tracy's career. If
the Dodgers remain in contention despite all their injuries, Jim Tracy looks
like a genius. "Tracy really got the most out of a thin roster," people
will say. Oh yeah? Eat me. It doesn't take a genius to make Brazoban the temporary
closer. It doesn't take a genius to put Drew in center with Bradley out. It
doesn't take a genius to pinch-hit Olmedo Saenz with two guys on base n the
8th inning of a tie game. What, you gonna put Oscar Robles up? Jesus.
>
6.12.05 - The
smiling Ricoh guy
Okay,
we've had enough of this fucker. You know, he's the red-headed putz in the Ricoh
commerical who walks around the office with a big smile on his face like he
dropped a load in his pants. If you watch a Dodger game, you get to see him
at least a half dozen times. Well, we're not huge advocates of violence, but
it's time for someone break a chair over his goddamn head. Let's see if he's
still similing then.
>
6.10.05 - Juan
Castro
We don't recall Juan Castro ever hitting the ball hard (or even making contact,
for that matter) when he was a Dodger. First at-bat Fridaysmashes one
to the gap in left-center. What an asshole.
>
6.8.05 - Jason
Grabowski
When we decided to campaign for your election to the All-Star Team,
it was a joke. It's not funny when you hit game-winning home runs.
>
6.7.05 - Frank
McCourt
Frank, you can hire a P.R. firm to spin your B.S. any way you want,
but Dodger fans aren't as stupid as you think. Instead of trying to convince
people that you're doing the right thing, how about just doing
the right thing? Here's a start: (1) Stop lying. If the payroll is going to
be at $85 million, say so. If not, get it to where you promised it would be.
(2) Stop firing people, especially people who are well-respected and have history
with the organization (that is, if there's anybody left who fits that bill).
(3) Cut the goddamn sound effects at the stadium and give the reins back to
Nancy Bea. (4) Put the names back on the uniforms. We may have very little confidence
in the guys on the team, but it's nice at least to be able to tell them apart.
(5) Paint the railing on the Reserved level. It looks like it was hit by a goddamn
meteor.
Sure, by addressing these issues (and believe us, there's more than just five),
you'll definitely be acknowledging that you've made some mistakes. More importantly,
though, you'll be showing fans that you're willing to fix your mistakes. You
want to keep your name off this page? Do the right thing. And remember, the
Dodgers aren't your team. They're ours.
>
6.5.05 - Alex
Trevino
Hey, why not?
>
6.1.05 - Elmer
Dessens
What does it say about the Dodgers when we're actually looking
forward to the return of Elmer Dessens? Not sure why that makes him Asshole
of the Moment, but whatever.
>
5.31.05 - San
Diego Padres
Lose, godammit, lose.
>
5.30.05 - J.D.
Drew
Jesus, get injured already so we can take down the stupid counter.
>
5.28.05 - Duaner
Sanchez
What are you, nine years old? Throwing your glove at the ball? Jackoff.
>
5.25.05 - Cesar
Izturis
Stop getting hits, man. You're embarrasing the rest of the team.
>
5.24.05 - Dodger
Blues
Giants vs. Dodgers, and no update on the site. Sorry, we're assholesassholes
who happen to be busy today.
>
5.22.05 - Oscar
Robles
Incapable of getting a hit for his first two weeks, Robles finally
decides to drive in a run in the eighth inning on Sundaydoing nothing
but take away a save opportunity from Eric Gagne. Great timing, a-hole.
>
5.20.05 - Glenn
Hoffman
When Olmedo Saenz is barely to third base as the left fielder picks
up the ball about about 30 feet past the infield, you hold that fat bastard.
Doesn't matter how many goddamn outs there are or what piece of crap is on deck.
Way to go, Genius.
>
5.19.05 - Jason
Grabowski
We go out of our way to encourage fans to vote Grabowski to the
All-Star team, and the next day he goes on the disabled list. What an asshole.
>
5.16.05 - The
Official Scorer
Any chance that Paul DePodesta was the official scorer on Monday?
Oscar Robles, batting for Duaner Sanchez in the 7th, hit a grounder that went
off the chest of second baseman Damion Easley... and somehow it was ruled a
hit. Don't be fooled by Robles' career-high batting average of .111... in our
book he's at .055.
>
5.14.05 - Raul
Mondesi
Doing what most former Dodgers do when they return to L.A., Mondesi
threw out Milton Bradley from right field on Friday, and then hit a home run.
After crossing the plate, Mondesi mimicked Bradley's ritual of crossing his
arms and dusting off his jersey. Good to see Raul is still a huge asshole.
>
5.13.05 - The
Peanut Guy
On Friday night, the Dodger Stadium peanut guy appeared on Jay Leno
in an accuracy contest against a fish thrower from Seattle's Pike Place Market.
Peanut guy lost 2-0; he didn't hit the target once.
>
5.12.05 - Norihiro
Nakamura
If the fact that Nakamura cleared waivers on Thursday says anything
about his value, it's that he has none... at least not in the United States.
Since no team claimed him, he's headed to Vegas... hopefully as a cab driver.
>
5.11.05 - Jim
Tracy
By the 5th inning Wednesday, it was clear that Brad Penny had run
out of gas. So what did Jim Tracy do? He pulled him. Just like he should have.
So what's our beef, you ask? Well, very simple: it's tougher to rip Tracy when
he does the right thing. Thankfully that doesn't happen too often, but when
it does, it's very upsetting.
>
5.9.05 - Brian
Falkenborg
Remember Brian? Right-handed pitcher who had a 7.54 ERA for the Dodgers
last year? Well, he's pitching for the Padres now. His ERA? A tidy 0.00. (Ok,
so he's only pitched an inning, but he's still an asshole.)
>
5.6.05 - D.J.
Houlton
Brad Penny made 89 pitches Thursday night and gave up one hit. It
took D.J. Houlton all of two pitches to give up a hit. Forty-eight crappy pitches
later, Houlton had given up six runs. Up by thirteen runs, the Dodgers asked
Houlton to pitch two lousy innings. He couldn't even do that. What an asshole.
>
5.4.05 - Jason
Phillips
Jason, any chance of running without tilting your head back and sticking
out your chest? Watch some tape of yourself. You run down the line like a supermodel
runs along the beach. It's goofy. Stop it please.
>
5.3.05 - Kevin
Brown
Kevin Brown gave up 8 runs in 5 innings on Tuesday, raising his ERA
for the Yankees to a plump 8.25. Gotta love it when an asshole's career is in
the shitter.
>
5.2.05 - Jose
Valentin
The guy is hitless in his last 26 at-bats. (Of course now that he's
Asshole of the Moment, he'll go 3-for-4 on Tuesday with a home run and three
RBIs.)
>
5.1.05 - Bob
Watson
After being ejected from a game during the first week of the season,
Eric Gagne was apparently ordered by Major League Baseball to stay out of the
dugout for the remainder of his stint on the disabled list. Gagne didn't follow
the absurd penalty (claiming he was never informed of the ban), and now he's
been suspended. Does Bob WatsonDean of Disciplinereally have nothing
better to do? Dude loves to exert the little bit of power he has. It's surprising
he's not a parking enforcement officer.
>
4.30.05 - Frank
McCourt
Obviously embarassed over the criticism of the recent stadium renovations,
Frank McCourt fired Doug Duennes, vice president of stadium operations. While
accountability is a good thing, a knee-jerk reaction is not... especially when
it's coming from the man at the top. How's it possible for an organization to
maintain stability when someone in the front office is fired every time something
goes wrong? What a dick.
>
4.28.05 - Hope
A week ago, Dodger fans had it. Hope. What a fucking waste.
>
4.25.05 - Brandon
Lyon
Here's what pitcher Brandon Lyon used to look like. Now that a closer
for Arizona, though, he suddenly has long hair, a bushy goatee, and wears number
38. Hmmm... wonder where he got that idea.
>
4.24.05 - Jose
Valentin
Next time you roll around on the ground like a little girl, you'd
better have more than a bruise.
>
4.21.05 - Frank
McCourt
Now that everyone is done pissing on themselves over the Dodgers'
streak, it's time to get back to business.
>
4.20.05 - Dodger
management
So, Brady Penny is starting for the Dodgers on Sunday in Colorado.
Can't think of a better place to bring back a pitcher with an arm problem. A
mile high and 40 degrees. Pure genius.
>
4.19.05 - Milton
Bradley
Five home runs, but not a single ejection. Unacceptable.
>
4.15.05 - David
Ross
It figures, really. David Ross, who the Dodgers traded to Pittsburgh
for $75,000, hit his second and third home runs of the year on Friday. He homered
to right in the second inning (with who else but Daryle Ward on base) and then
hit one out to left in the fifth. If we were decent people, we'd say "Good
for him!"... but we're not. So we say "What an asshole!" (Actually,
the real asshole is Carlos Zambrano for throwing Ross anything other than curveballs
in the dirt.)
>
4.14.05 - Peter
Gammons
Possibly distracted by his leaking Depends, Peter Gammons neglected
to give L.A. Times columnist Steve Henson credit for a piece mentioned in Gammon's
column on Wednesday. This confirms what we've suspected for years: Gammons is
nothing more than a 93-year-old plagiarizer. He issued an apology
for his oversight, but it's too latethe trust is gone. Gammons has
betrayed not only you and I, but the entire baseball world. Including Brent
Mayne.
>
4.12.05 - The
360° ad ribbon
How long before the McCourts sell advertising space on Scully's ballsack?
>
4.11.05 - Derek
Lowe
The jokes about Derek Lowe's infatuation with Boston are beginning
to lose their humor. It was clear that Lowe never wanted to leave the Red Sox
(and you can't blame him), but it's time for him to get over it. Lowe was in
Boston on Monday to get his World Series ring... and to cry over spilled milk:
"I was standing next to Jason (Varitek)," Lowe told Boston.com, "and
I said 'You're lucky, you get to play here for the next four years.'" Lowe
went on to lament the fact that the Red Sox never contacted him about coming
back. He then chained himself to David Ortiz and refused to leave the field.
Yeah, tough to be making $36 million.
A-hole.
>
4.9.05 - Jim
Tracy
A few days ago, Jim Tracy refused to talk about 2004. After being
asked about Adrian Beltre, Tracy repeatedly said, "It's 2005." Funny
how quickly he forgot. After Jose Valentin's home run Friday night, Tracy immediately
spoke of last year: "What we witnessed was indicative during the entire
2004 season. You didn't beat the Dodgers until you recorded all 27 outs."
So full of shit.
>
4.8.05 - Shawn
Green
In anticipation of Green not once grounding weakly to the right side
against the Dodgers this weekend, he's Asshole of the Moment.
>
4.6.05 - Jose
Valentin
Never fails. We make a guy Asshole of the Moment one day, he has
4 RBIs the next. What an asshole.
>
4.5.05 - Jose
Valentin
Said Jose Valentin after his game-costing error on Tuesday: "The
ball and the chalk are the same color." The ball and the chalk are
the same color? It's one thing to lose a ball in the lights, lose a ball
in the sun, or lose a ball in the crowd. But lose a ball in the fucking ground?
Wow, what an asshole.
>
4.4.05 - Darren
Dreifort
As the Dodgers open the season, we'd like to take a moment to remember
the one guy on the team who won't be setting foot on the field all season: Darren
Dreifort. So, while he and his nine wins (each of which cost the Dodgers $6.1
million over the past 4 years) are still in our memory, Dreifort is Asshole of
the Moment.
>
4.3.05 - Dodger
Stadium painters
The outfield wall at Dodger Stadium is now black. (The Dodgers may
claim it's dark blue, but let's be seriousit's black.) While the color
black is probably appropriate considering that most Dodger fans are still in
mourning over the loss of their favorite players, it's a little too dark. Even
for us. How 'bout stepping it down to midnight blue?
>
4.1.05 - Rex
Hudler
With the each year's Freeway Series come a few certainties: Remorse
over the Dodgers' loss of Mike Scioscia, depression over the reality of the
Dodgers' roster, and Rex Hudler as Asshole of the Moment. Angel fans might get
to watch Vladimir Guerrero, but they also have to listen to Hudler, a schmuck
if there ever was one. He insists on holding a baseball in the booth (in case
the Angels suddenly need another guy on the field), he calls Jason Repko 'Jason
Reepko' (apparently because it's way too tough to learn how to prononce a new
name), and he gloats about how he knew how severe Adam Kennedy's injury was
as soon as the guy walked off the field (as opposed to his broadcast partner
Steve Physioc, who was so foolish as to think Kennedy was ok). Hey Rex,
you suck.
>
3.31.05 - The
Inland Empire
It was recently brought to our attention that Chin Feng Chen's uniform
number (43) was retired in San Bernardino, where he played for the Dodgers'
Single-A team in 1999. The guy can't seem to make it past Triple-A, but a bunch
of people in San Bernardino thought he was the next Ken Griffey Jr. (whose retired
number is hanging 20 feet from Chen's). Only in the 909.
>
3.28.05 - Kaz
Ishii
Big surprise: Kas Ishii has suddenly discovered the strike zone.
In his first appearance as a New York Met (albeit in a minor league game), Ishii
pitched two scoreless innings, striking out three and throwing 17 of his 25
pitches for strikes. Ishii faces the Dodgers on Thursday. Look for him to strike
out Jason Phillips seven times.
>
3.27.05 - Dodger
medical staff
While Eric Gagne might say that his sprained knee is better, it's
obvious that he isn't right. After a couple shaky outings last week, Gagne had
a rough inning against Washington minor leaguers on Sunday, giving up a run
and throwing two wild pitches. Gagne is a competitor, and you've got to love
that, but he's not going to raise his hand and say he can't pitch. It's the
responsibility of the medical staff to make that call. Unfortunately, they've
made a number of bad calls in recent years (Shawn Green, Brad Penny, etc.).
The Dodgers can't afford to lose Gagne for the season, and there's really no
point having a Gagne who's only pitching at 75%. Someone needs to step up, and
for the good of the team, sit Gagne down.
>
3.23.05 - Paul
DePodesta
Once again, the Dodgers are all over the place. When they traded
for Hee Seop Choi last season, Paul DePodesta said he was pleased to "add
a young, powerful, left-handed bat to the lineup." He went on to say, "This
trade will not only help us this season, but we also expect to reap the rewards
for years to come... In
order to do something special, sometimes you have to take some risks."
By February, however, DePodesta had changed his tune: "He doesn't need
to be spectacular," he said of Choi. On Thursday, DePodesta lowered his
expectations even more, saying that he'd be satisfied if Choi hit 15 home runs
and knocked in 40. "We've improved our lineup by adding the power of Jeff
Kent, J.D. Drew, Jose Valentin," said DePodesta, explaining that Choi's
offensive production isn't the key to the Dodgers success. Interesting how less
than a month ago Jim Tracy said the complete opposite: "Our ballclub is
structured to where you must get production from the first base position."
Just a thought, but maybe DePodesta and Tracy should chat once in awhile.
>
3.18.05 - The
House Committee
It's really a shame that the House committee didn't subpoena Jim
Tracy to testify yesterday. Just imagine…. Mr. Tracy, have you ever been aware
of steroid use in baseball? “Have I ever been aware of steroid use in baseball?”
Yes, Mr. Tracy, that is what we are asking you. “Am I aware that I was just
asked that question? Yes I am.” Well then, Mr. Tracy, will you please answer
the question? “Will I answer the question? Yes, I will.” Go ahead then, Mr.
Tracy. And please remember that you're under oath. “Have I taken an oath? Yes,
I have.” Mr. Tracy, one last time, please answer the question. “Have I ever
been aware of steroid use in baseball? I believe I have answered the question.”
>
3.17.05 - People
who wear green
Are you Irish? No? Then stop pretending like today means anything.
Even worse than the people who wear green, however, are the people who threaten
to pinch everyone who's not wearing green. Pinch me and I'll shove Peter
O'Malley's Irish fist up your ass. Thankfully the Dodgers were rained out so
no one had to see them play nine innings with green hats.
>
3.14.05 - Shawn
Green
The Dodgers were dismantled, and Shawn Green was one of the casualties.
Still, however, he refuses to talk shit. "I guess the way I look at it,
anything that's happened I haven't taken personal," Green said. Man, that's
no fun. How about, "I'm glad they fucking traded me. That organization
is a mess. And for the record, I was tired of throwing my batting gloves to
spoiled kids sitting in the front row." Asshole should have said something
like that.
>
3.9.05 - Brad
Penny
Big surprise: Penny probably won't be ready for opening day. It's
not his fault that he's got the arm of Darren Dreifort, but we've got to be
angry at someone.
>
3.5.05 - Paul
DePodesta
So, Paul DePodesta assembled the current mess of Dodgers with steroid
use a major consideration. He wanted a clean team, he told the LA Times. So
he lets go of Steve Finley, one of the healthiest guys in baseball? He dumps
Shawn Green, who probably wouldn't go so far as to even take a multi-vitamin?
He lets go of Alex Cora? Dave Roberts? Paul Lo Duca? The only juice these guys
were on was apple juice. Yet he picks up Jose Valentinwho many have their
suspicions about. What a load.
>
3.1.05 - Jim
Tracy
So, Jim Tracy is so concerned about the offensive production of his
two crappy catchers that he's considering carrying a third crappy catcher. Makes
perfect sense.
>
2.28.05 - Derek
Lowe
It's more than a week into spring training, but Derek Lowe is apparently
still learning everyone's name. On Monday, he referred to Jim Tracy as Paul
Tracy. Wait... that's awesome. Forget 'Asshole of the Moment'... Derek Lowe
is 'Hero of the Moment'. God bless him... not only screwing up his manager's
name, but fusing him together with the GM who gave him $36 million dollars.
Beautiful.
>
2.26.05 - The
U.S. Government
Someone in the United States governmentsomeone who's obviously
not a Dodger fanhas granted Norihiro Nakamura visa clearance. That unfortunately
means that the mediocre third baseman will be in camp on Tuesday. Truly a shame.
>
2.25.05 - Spring
Training drills
Fielding practice, baserunning clinics, those damn games of pepper.
If we've said it once, we've said it twice: these high-impact drills are just
accidents waiting to happen. When will coaches learn that under no circumstances
should a player have to twist, bend, plant, turn, jump, reach, or squat? Spring
training is not about getting ready for the seasonit's about avoiding
injury until the season. On Thursday, Eric Gagne sprained a ligament
in his left knee during a game of pepper. Gagne doesn't figure to miss much
time, but even if he did, would it really matter? After all, what good is a
closer if his team never has a lead? Nonetheless, these drills must stop before
someone gets killed... or even worse, improves their fielding.
>
2.24.05 - Jose
Valentin
The last time Jose Valentin tried to bat right-handed (2003), he
hit .131. Last season, he made the smart decision to stick to the left side
of the plate. Realizing, however, that he's likely facing a platoon situation
in '05, Valentin plans to switch hit once again. If the dude thinks a .131 average
from the right side of the plate is going to get him MORE playing time, he's
in for a surprise.
>
2.23.05 - J.D.
Drew
Well, J.D. Drew is batting 1.000... he missed the first day of Spring
Training due to the flu. It's a little early to pull out the 'flu' excuse, which
just means he'll be forced to use the 'I hurt my tooth with a spoon' excuse
very soon.
>
2.22.05 - Jim
Tracy
Just warming up for the regular season.
>
2.21.05 - Frank
and DePo
Two months after the Dodgers basically let him go, Steve Finley has
begun to talk. Not surprisingly, he doesn't have glowing things to say about
Frank and DePo. Finley says he was told back when the Dodgers acquired him that
they had every intention of keeping him if he met expectations. Maybe the Dodgers'
expectations were out of whack, because they essentially made no attempt to
bring him back. "That was the only thing sour about the Dodgers. I like
honesty. I like doing business the right way, and I didn't feel that was doing
business the right way." The Dodgers? Not doing business the
right way? Nooooooo. It can't be.
>
2.18.05 - Giovanni
Carrara
Carrara was the only Dodger pitcher or catcher not to report on time
to Vero. It's clear he won't be ready for the season. What an asshole.
>
2.11.05 - Jose
Canseco
If you're going to inject a teammate with steroids, at least inject
him in the right place. In his book, Canseco says he personally injected Wilson
Alvarez with steroids when the two were teammates in Tampa Bay. What Canseco
didn't say is that he injected Alvarez in his stomach.
>
2.2.05 - Jeromy
Burnitz
Jeromy Burnitz has taken his big chin to Chicago, the latest stop
in his Todd Zeile-like career. Burnitz figures to pick up with the Cubs where
he left off with the Rockies: hurting the Dodgers. Burnitz hit 7 home runs against
the Dodgers in '04, more than he hit against any other team. No reason to think
that'll change in '05. What an asshole.
>
1.29.05 - Paul
DePodesta
So, the Dodgers have made a bid for Japanese free agent third baseman
Norihiro Nakamura. Whether they have won the rights to negotiate with the blond
31-year-old depends on how the Dodgers' cash bid stacks up against that of other
interested teams. If Paul DePodesta bid any higher than $7, it's it's a shame.
Nakamura
hit 46 and 42 home runs in 2001 and 2002, but those numbers dropped to 23 and
19 in 2003 and 2004. Basically, Nakamura is Shawn Green... but Japanese. And
a third baseman. And kind of fat.
>
1.28.05 - Bill
Plaschke
How sweet. An entire article about how Chuck Tiffany (a Class-A prospect)
has been a Dodger fan his whole life. Gee, brings tears to our eyes. Tiffany
is at least two years away from the majors, and Plaschke is writing about how
he'd be the first homegrown Dodger All-Star in 30 years. Why stop there? Why
not write about how Tiffany figures to be the biggest thing in L.A. since Eddie
Murray's afro? Why not surmise whether Tiffany will enter the Hall of Fame in
a Dodgers hat or a St. Louis hat (where he'll be traded in 2013 after a bitter
contract dispute). Hey Bill, admit you've got an "I
Tiffany" shirt.
>
1.21.05 - Al
Downing
Completing their rape of the broadcast booth, the Dodgers have hired
Al Downing and Steve Lyons as analysts. A lot of people hate Steve Lyons. We
don't so much. A lot of people don't hate Al Downing. We do.... so much. Al
Downing is boring, arrogant, and makes Rick Monday seem like he has personality.
The thought of listening to three innings of Monday and Downing stroking themselves
is enough to make us wish we were deaf.
>
1.12.05 - Shawn
Green
For five years, Shawn Green played in Los Angeles. Not once did he
smile like he did on Tuesday when he was introduced as a member of the Arizona
Diamondbacks. Who even knew the guy had teeth. What an asshole.
>
1.10.05 - Mother
Nature
It's been raining in Los Angeles for about three weeks. Unless the
plan is for Kaz Ishii to be swept away in a flood, it's time for some friggin'
sun. Mother Naturewhat a bitch.
[Editor's note: We wrote the above on Monday night. On Tuesday morning, the sky was blueproof, yet again, of how influential Dodger Blues is.]
>
1.8.05 - Paul
DePodesta
First, it's Lo Duca and Roberts. Then Finley and Lima. Then Beltre
and Cora. You didn't think it could get any worse, but it just did: Brent Mayne
is gone. Just as fans were beginning to connect with the 120-pound catcher,
the Dodgers fail to offer him a contract. People aren't going to forgive PDP
for this oneunless, of course, he gets Tom Prince back.
>
1.4.05 - The
two guys who voted for Candiotti
Wade Boggs and Ryne Sandberg were elected to the Baseball Hall of
Fame on Tuesday. Not huge surprises. There was one surprise, though:
Tom Candiotti, a man who threw the ball slower than humanly possible, got two
votes. Not to harp on it, but the laws of physics suggest that Candiotti's pitches
should have literally fallen out of the air. The laws of physics, however, don't
explain why two people with voting power could possibly believe that a career
record of 151-164 was worthy of the Hall of Fame. (Is there any chance that
Kevin Malone got to vote?)
>
1.3.05 - Arte
Moreno
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? Let's at least be honest and call
them the Los Angeles Parasites of Anaheim. How long before the Anaheim stadium
grounds becomes 'Chavez Ravine'? How long before Rex Hudler starts going by
the name 'Vinny'? How long before the Angels retire Sandy Koufax's number? How
long before Dave Spiwack is pitching for the Angels at Dodger Stadium with Leslie
Neilsen calling balls and strikes?
>
1.1.05 - 2005
A brand new year... and brand new hope that come October, the Dodgers
will be World Champions. But just like 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998,
1997, 1996, 1995, 1994, 1993, 1992, 1991, 1990, and 1989, there's no reason
to think our hopes won't be dashed. Two-thousand five. What an asshole.