When Kevin Malone was fired, we all breathed a sigh of relief. So when Dan Evans was named the permanent General Manager, hopes were high. But Evans wasted little time picking up James Baldwin, Terry Mulholland, Mike Trombley, and Omar Daal—and it quickly became clear that Danny Boy knew little about baseball. That being the case, we feel it's our responsibility to give Dan the occasional piece of advice... the first being: try speaking like a man.

> July 11, 2003

Dear Dan,

Rumor has it that you were about to deal Odalis Perez to Boston for Trot Nixon. First of all, Trot Nixon is not the answer. Second of all, do not trade Odalis Perez. Sure, he's had some problems this season with umpires. And he spoke his mind about some teammates. Those are not reasons to get rid of a guy. Those are reasons to keep him. Perez is one of the few Dodgers who shows emotion and has intensity. Having that spark means—more than likely—that you're going to have some incidents here and there. But it also means you have the drive to win. There are plenty of guys who don't have that drive. Trade them, not Odalis.

Sincerely,

> July 1, 2003

Dear Dan,

It's been a long time since we've written. A lot has happened since then. The Dodgers have scored 6 runs. Total. In the last two friggin' months. It's time to pull the trigger.... (on a move). Although I doubt too many people would complain if you misinterpreted that. Trade someone. Release someone. Send someone down to Triple-A. Hell, send everybody down to Triple-A. The attendance in Vegas is sure to go up if Shawn Green is the starting rightfielder for the 51's. OK, so you're probably not going to make a trade because you're a big puss. At the very least, then, please stop telling us that you've got confidence in the team. Even you aren't that stupid.

Sincerely,

> January 27, 2003

Dear Dan,

Jesus christ, man, get some sun. You look like a goddamn corpse. The pink clothes don't help, but issue #1 is the skin.

Sincerely,

> January 8, 2003

Dear Dan,

It appears that you're a little confused, but that's understandable. You see, Eddie Murray, who was just elected to the Hall of Fame, retired in '97. Calvin Murray, who you just invited to spring training, fucking sucks. Hopefully that helps.

Sincerely,

> December 20, 2002

Dear Dan,

Since it seems that you've been sitting in the closet picking your nose the last few weeks, I hope you found a booger with some power who can play first base.

Sincerely,

> December 3, 2002

Dear Dan,

If you had stuck your hand into a hat filled with the names of every major league baseball player, you couldn't have made a worse choice than Todd Hundley. Did you bash your head on the edge of your toilet this morning? If so, it's too bad you didn't knock yourself out completely.

Sincerely,

> November 5, 2002

Dear Dan,

It's been awhile, putz. But after hearing that you signed Luke Prokopec to a 2-year deal (despite a blown out arm), we felt that it was time to talk. What, you needed someone to sit on the bench next to Dreifort? Here's a little tip: rumor has it that John Tudor is available.

Sincerely,

> September 10, 2002

Dear Dan,

Are you proud of yourself? You picked up Jolbert Cabrera. You picked up Tyler Houston. You picked up Paul Shuey. Real impact players. And a huge impact they've made. The Giants go and get Kenny Lofton, the Dodgers bring up David Ross. You're chinsy as hell and it shows.

Sincerely,

> July 29, 2002

Dear Dan,

For the love of god, PLEASE STOP TRADING MINOR LEAGUE PITCHERS. You've got to find a way to pull off some deals without completely depleting your already-scarce supply of young arms. And deepen your voice a little. Just give it a try. Strike some fear into the other GMs. Be a man, Dan.

Sincerely,

> July 23, 2002

Dear Dan,

The ship is sinking, and you pick up Jolbert Cabrera to patch the leak. Impressive. You've got the rest of baseball shitting in their pants. Cabrera was hitting .111, Dan. One-fucking-eleven. That's not real good. You're a retard.

Sincerely,

> July 5, 2002

Dear Dan,

It's been awhile since I last wrote. The Dodgers are in first place, and some people think you're a genius. Most true Dodger fans know better, however. You've been lucky as hell, and you know it. Come on, Dan... admit that you know nothing about baseball. Go ahead, admit it. Fine, whatever... be cocky. But I can't wait for a year or two from now when you're playing Connect Four at Kevin Malone's apartment because neither of you have a job. Live it up while it lasts.

Sincerely,

> April 4, 2002

Dear Dan,

The Dodgers are now 0-3. They've scored twice. If you haven't yet figured it out, you're on shaky ground, shitboy.

Sincerely,

> February 13, 2002

Dear Dan,

ESPN.com's Rumor Central reports that the Dodgers are interested in Rey Sanchez and Gary DiSarcina. Hey Dan, can either of them lead off? Not a fuckin' chance. So you best stay the hell away from those old bastards. Thank you.

Sincerely,

> January 30, 2002

Dear Dan,

Dante Bichette? Roberto Kelly? Dave Roberts? Jesus, man... did you forget that you already have Goodwin and Grissom? Really, it's ok to sign players younger than you. Try it sometime.

Sincerely,

> January 16, 2002

Dear Dan,

Congratulations, you're a big boy now. You actually made a significant move. How long did it take you to clean your underpants afterwards? Don't get me wrong, Dan, it was a terrible trade, and you're an awful general manager, but you deserve a cookie or something.

Sincerely,

> January 3, 2002

Dear Dan,

I'm sure we agree on one thing: Gary Sheffield is an idiot. But once in awhile idiots have a point. This is not to say he makes sense, just to say he's definitely got reason not to trust the Dodgers. It's not too much for a player to ask to know where he stands in the team's plans. He deserves that right— regardless of what a dick he may be. And keep this in mind: he's an athlete. It's obvious he doesn't have the greatest tact and he's repeatedly proven that he doesn't have the ability to keep his mouth shut, but his job is to play ball. Your job, however, is to manage personnel. This means communicating with the goddamn players. You can choose to not return the phone calls of other GMs or of journalists, but jesus, man, you can't choose to avoid your players. Before Fox, the Dodgers did a great job of nurturing their relationships with their players. It's one of the things that made the Dodgers the envy of baseball. Now the Dodgers aren't even the envy of La Habra. Think about it, douchebag.

Sincerely,

> December 19, 2001

Dear Dan,

The Cubs signed Moises Alou. The Yankees got Giambi, Rondell White, and Steve Karsay. The Cardinals picked up Tino Martinez and Jason Isringhausen. The A's traded for Billy Koch and Justice. The Mets got Cedeno, Alomar, and Shawn Estes. The Braves re-signed Smoltz. The Giants hung onto Bonds. Our point is this: DAN, WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!!

Sincerely,

Dear Dan,

It's amazing. Apparently there are general managers out there who have less respect for you than us. Dan, you should have kicked Jim Bowden in the nuts after he refused to begin the meeting without Fat Tommy present. What an arrogant dick. I guess he felt that acquiring Baldwin, Trombley, Mulholland, and Daal wasn't enough of an embarassment for you. Our deepest sympathy.

Sincerely,

> December 8, 2001

Dear Dan,

It seems you're confused about something. Based on your moves this off-season, it appears you think that a starting rotation consists of two pitchers. I understand your confusion, considering that your expertise is in transaction rules (whatever the fuck those are). But I've got some news for you: usually there are five pitchers in a rotation. You can use your hand to count them. Now let's look at the Dodgers rotation. You've got Kevin Brown. Then you've got Andy Ashby, who isn't even totally healthy yet. Then you've got Darren Dreifort, who is likely to be out all year. Then there's Gagne, Prokopec, Daal, and Mulholland. Between those four, maybe you've got one mediocre pitcher—especially if you trade Gagne and/or Prokopec. You've decided not to re-sign Baldwin or Adams, and Park is a question mark. Basically, Dan, what I'm saying is that you're in deep shit.

Sincerely,

> December 7, 2001

Dear Dan,

Going after Billy Koch is smart. He's young, relatively inexpensive, and has a strange goatee that's perfect for a closer. Here's what's not smart: Trading Sheffield, Trombley, Gagne, AND Prokopec for Koch and Jermaine Dye. Are you out of your friggin mind? I mean, I'm all for getting rid of Trombley, but if that's your main goal, just run him over in the parking lot or something. Don't trade TWO young pitchers and one of your big run producers (although it would be fun to see how much shit Sheffield would talk if he's traded). Put your goddamn foot down and just say no. General managers around the league have gotten very used to taking advantage of the Dodgers the last few years, but that's got to stop. We're all tired of the Dodgers being gang raped.

Sincerely,

> December 5, 2001

Dear Dan,

Good to see that you're courting Dave Burba. Good to see that last year he was 10-10 with a 6.21 ERA. Good to know that it would be public relations suicide if you signed him, yet let Park and Adams go. Also, it's nice to see that you're thinking about trading Beltre in a package for Scott Rolen. We wait six years for Beltre and now you're going to trade him away before he realizes his potential? That's the classic Dodger move. Nurse a guy in the minor leagues. Don't trade him for a Cy Young winner. Give him the position in the majors and let him grow into his role. Nurse him back to health after he almost dies. Then trade him after he's done nothing for the team but he's primed to do well. Where's John Wetteland? I'll tell you where: probably shining his World Series ring somewhere. He knows this story. My dog's stool knows this story. My dog's stool knows not to trade a guy like Beltre now or to pick up a Dave Burba - unless, of course, you're trying to lose more games next season.

Sincerely,