We all do a good job bashing Dodger management, but let's not forget where most of the stupidity can be found: in the stands. As a baseball fan, sitting through a game at Dodger Stadium can be frustrating. As a human being, it can be downright depressing. Below are some of the reasons why it's not a bad idea to just sit at home and watch the game.

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The wave is probably the most annoying of all Dodger fan activites. Usually started by drunk idiots in the bleachers, the wave inevitably catches on, and before you know it 40,000 morons are raising their arms above their head while making some unidentifiable grunting sound. If that's what you want, go to a friggin' concert. Go to a rave. Or go to hell. Whichever you choose, just stay away from Dodger Stadium. What's amazing about the wave at Dodger games is the timing. You could maybe understand it—not condone it, but understand it—if it only happened in runaway games or during pitching changes perhaps. But that's not the case. People will do the wave with the bases loaded and Paul Lo Duca at the plate (if that ever happened.) Or with Kevin Brown on the mound with a one-run lead and a guy on third. Look, idiots, if those situations aren't interesting enough for you to just sit there and watch the goddamn game, you shouldn't be at the game. What's more, Los Angeles is one of only a handful of cities still doing this barbaric goddamn thing. If only the drunk idiots in the bleachers would run back and forth down the aisle stabbing themselves, maybe that could catch on, and true baseball fans could be left to watch the game in peace.

There are hundreds of places where playing with a beachball can be fun. Maybe in the pool. At a park. On the front lawn. Hell, here's a wild place: the beach. It's hard to decide what the worst thing is about the beachball. Is it the distraction? Is it the game delay when it's knocked onto the field? Or is it the asshole in front of you who slams it directly into your face? Without a doubt, many people get more excited about a beachball near their seats than the game itself. HOLY SHIT, THERE'S A FLOATING PIECE OF PLASTIC!!! Ushers get booed for grabbing beachballs away from fans, but god bless them. If only they carried pins on extendable sticks. Or pellet guns. Unfortunately if you're a fan and have the nerve to pop one, you're subjecting yourself to the wrath of an entire section.

Dodger fans, of course, are notorious for arriving late and leaving early. But it's getting ridiculous. Arriving in the 4th or 5th inning just isn't acceptable. And it happens... often. The gates to the stadium should just be closed in the 2nd inning. Period. If you can't make it to the game within 45 minutes of game time, you'd shit out of luck. Sure, there's traffic in Los Angeles. SO GIVE YOURSELF MORE TIME. Don't have more time? Well, don't go to the game. And if you're one of these people who's insistent on arriving late, for the love of god, JUST FIND YOUR FUCKING SEAT AND SIT DOWN... which leads us to our next point...

Finding your seat at the stadium really isn't that difficult, yet it seems to be a huge challenge for some. A group of people will walk down an aisle, look around, look at their ticket stubs, and then walk back up the aisle... only to walk back down a minute later. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. You find your aisle. 118. Now find your row. H. Now find your seat. 12. Pretty goddamn simple. Sure, the confusing double row bullshit at Dodger Stadium (two A's, two B's, etc.) isn't a great idea when the average Dodger fan's IQ is lower than Pedro Guerrero's, but finding your seat is not a complicated process. It should not take 10 minutes of standing in the aisle, blocking everyone's view of the field. And if you really are that stupid that it takes you a full inning to find your seat, at least have the courtesy to kneel or squat down so you're out of the way. Finally, a note to the ushers: when you see a bunch of clueless dopes standing around not knowing where the fuck they are, feel free to go down and help. (The only problem is, half the ushers don't even know how to find a seat.)

It's one thing to stand up to applaud after a great play, a key strikeout, or a run-scoring triple. It's quite another to stand up to talk to a friend. Or to show off your Ron Coomer jersey. Or to spend five minutes preparing to go get food. If you're going up to get food, find out what everybody wants BEFORE YOU STAND UP. Here's what generally happens: the dad decides to get food for his family. So he stands up and starts to walk towards the aisle. Then he checks his wallet to see how much money he has. Then he asks his overweight wife what she wants. (Three dodger dogs, she says. No, wait, four.) Then his wife asks the kids what they want. The kids can't decide, but eventually demand cotton candy. All the while, asshole dad is still standing up, blocking everyone's view. Here's an idea: figure out what everyone wants while you're still sitting, and THEN stand up. Have some goddamn respect for the few fans who actually care about watching the game.

Stadium security should not search for weapons at the gate. They should search for cell phones. Forget about banning backpacks larger than 14 inches. Ban cell phones. If someone can't go three hours without talking on the phone, they've got a problem. And if they do have that problem, they should stay the fuck home. More annoying than normal cell phone use, however, are the shitheads who feel that they need to call their friend sitting three sections away and wave to them—standing up. "You see me, I'm over here. Nah, nah, over by the railing. You see me? I see you, you see me? Heeeey... wazzzzup!!!!" This has GOT to stop. If you really need to talk to your friend that badly, walk the fuck over there. Oh, they're on a different level? Well, meet them after the game at Del Taco. It's GOT to stop.

This one probably isn't unique to Dodger Stadium, but it's an issue nonetheless. It's the construction worker philosophy: you see a girl with big cans, you act like a retarded ape. This seems to be worst in the bleachers, but it happens throughout the stadium. What's funny—or sad, depending on how you look at it—is that the scumbags at the stadium seem to have boobie tunnel vision; that is, if she's got big boobies, she must be hot. They don't see the cottage cheese thighs, the Daryle Ward-sized ass, or the face that looks like a dead possum. All they see is bobbies. Hell, they'd probably holler at Ron Coomer if he walked up the aisle in a tube top.

Apparently the Dodgers are well aware of the average fan's level of baseball knowledge, flashing "MAKE SOME NOISE!" messages on the scoreboard during rallies. Without fail, the fans cooperate and make some noise. Only they probably have no idea why they're making noise other than the fact that they were told to. It's a bit sad that Dodger fans need to be told when to cheer. Maybe they should be told when to pee and when to leave, too. "TIME TO TAKE A DUMP," the scoreboard can flash. "TIME TO WIPE THE COTTON CANDY OFF OF YOUR KID'S DIRTY FACE."

When the drunks on the top deck run out of beer money, they go for the napkins. After twirling the edges, they go down to the front row and drop them. Then, as they slowly float toward the field, everyone ignores the game to watch paper in the air.

Lauro writes: "What's worse is when the drunks on the field level try to make them then throw them as well. WHERE THE HELL IS IT GONNA GO?! YOU'RE ON THE BOTTOM LEVEL!"

As soon as a ball is hit in the air, half the stadium thinks it's a home run. We're not talking about fly balls to the warning track—that's understandable. But most of the time it's a pop-up into shallow left. Or a foul ball off of first. New rule for Dodger fans: wait til the scoreboard flashes "HOME RUN"—then you can cheer.

Scott writes: "It makes me crazy when the lady in front of me sees Alex Cora make contact, and she jumps up and raises her arms. Look, lady, Cora can barely hit the ball out of the infield, so save your fucking energy."

It's Los Angeles, so it should come as no surprise that people drive like shit in the stadium parking lot. Whether it's the guy in the minivan who has no clue where Lot 18 is, the bitch who edges her can up 4 inches so you can't merge into traffic, or the dick that zips down the stadium exit to the 110 only to cut in at the last minute, drivers at Dodger Stadium are no different than drivers elsewhere in L.A.

Mark writes: "They need to post a sign that says 'No Questions- just pay and drive!' at the entrance to the stadium parking lot. People get up there and just sit and ask questions. How difficult is it to have $8 out and ready to go to pay???"

Since adults have their own problems behaving at the game, there's no reason to think kids should be able to control themselves. Yeah, kids need to be able to let loose a little bit once in a while, but that's what a park is for. Or the street. (Preferably a highway.) Inevitably, there's a kid jumping on his seat, dumping trash into the next row, and crawling all over the filthy concrete floor. Meanwhile, their parents jack them up on cotton candy, malts, and licorice. Hmmm... shocking that they're out of control.

Tim writes: "It seems like every time I go to a game, I get a family near me who practically refuses to watch their 5 or 6 year old kid. So the little shit is running up and down the aisle, smacking my arm or my leg, and screaming. Put a fucking leash on the little bastard."

Having team spirit is one thing... wearing a goddamn uniform is quite another. Half the Dodgers don't even deserve to wear uniforms... you sure as hell don't. Wearing a Dodger hat or shirt is reasonable—wearing a personalized jersey, grey pants, and a glove is not. Why not wear cleats, too, in case the Dodgers run out of players?

Dee writes: "Grown adults sporting baseball gloves. Gonna catch the foul ball ya big loser? Give me a break."

Editors note: No, they're not going to catch a foul ball. After Shawn Green tosses the ball into the stands, they're going to snatch it from a 4-year-old.

Unfortunately, booing is part of the game. But it wouldn't kill Dodger fans to discriminate a bit. If Shawn Green goes 0-for-80, sure, go ahead and boo. But when the opposing pitcher steps off the rubber, booing probably isn't necessary. If an umpire blatantly blows a call, boo. If the vendor runs out of peanuts, don't boo.

Dooley writes: "Without fail, when an ex-Dodger comes to town, he is booed. No matter what led to him becoming an ex-Dodger, be it a trade that was against his will, the Dodgers' unwillingness to pay him market value, or any other reason, the player must be booed lustily when his name is announced. I mean, how on earth could you really dislike Dave Hansen? He's Dave Hansen! Not once in 10 years did he do one thing that could even be remotely construed as being rude or disrespectful to Dodger fans or fellow teammates. Dodger management never gave him a shot to establish himself as a starter, so he spent a decade dutifully coming off the bench. Yet, he is announced at Dodger Stadium in a Padre uniform and you'd think they just introduced Bobby Thompson to throw out the first pitch (not that one person in the stadium would know who he is...). Yes, Dodger fan, boo anybody whose name you recognize."

Some people are hairier than others. That's fine. Eric Karros is hairy. Orel Hershiser isn't. Nothing wrong with being hairy—just as long as you don't subject the rest of the world to the Brillo pad covering your body. Nothing better than a day game at Dodger Stadium that inspires a hairy ape to wear a tank top to the game—or better yet, go shirtless.

Z writes: "Yes, we're all very impressed that you've managed to create an un-breaking sea of hair from your ass crack to the top of your head, but it's enough already. Speaking of hair, it's great that the Mrs. has been growing it out since she was six so it comes down to the back of her knees, but can she keep it the fuck off of mine and out of my food as well?!"

When the State of California gets around to banning cell phone use while driving, let's hope they ban it in the Dugout Club seats too. We all know the jackasses who are lucky enough to get the front row seats behind home plate, call their friends and tell them that they're on TV, and then wave at the TV camera DURING EACH PITCH FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME. Here's what their phone conversation must sound like: "Hey, am I on TV?" "Yeah, man, you're on!" "Hey, am I still on?" "Yeah, dude, I see you!" "Sweet... am I still on?" "Yeah, bro, you're still on... wave, man."

Terry writes: "Can't these morons who are sitting behind the backstop waving all game long be considered a distraction to the pitcher? Or to the rest of the world? They pay $200 for those seats, and they spend 3 hours on the phone. Just goes to show that the fans in the dugout section are no smarter than the idiots in the bleachers."

Dodger Stadium continues to be one of the most beautiful stadiums in the country, a testament to those who designed it. However, there was one fatal design flaw: the low fence by the foul poles. Years ago, when the small gates at the bottom of each aisle weren't secured, the gates would swing open as fans reached over the railing. The gates are now secured, but it hasn't stopped the morons from interfering with play. When a ball is hit down the line, whether fair or foul, there's a good half-dozen people reaching over the railing trying to grab it. Nevermind it's a tie game. Nevermind the Dodgers have a guy on first who might be able to come around to score. Nevermind there's an outfielder trying to pick up the ball. Dumb fucks.

John writes: "It's like they've been sitting on their hands for six or seven innings... on the verge of exploding... for the chance... to REACH OVER THE RAILING FOR A BALL. Our fans revel in their stupidity. Apparently it's loads of fun to interfere with the game."

You'd think that if people wanted to shoot the shit about their tomato plants, their second cousin's gay wedding, or their kid's venereal disease, they'd save thirty bucks and just stay at home. Sure, when the Dodgers don't get a hit for 6 innings the game can get boring... fine. But don't turn around and ask the guy behind you—who's actually been paying attention—how the other team loaded the bases. And four innings is long enough for you to figure out who the Dodgers starting pitcher is. You can kind of forgive someone sitting in the upper deck who isn't following every pitch, but when you're sitting three rows above the dugout and you don't have a clue what's happening, you're just an idiot. And you deserve to have a flying bat knock you unconscious.

Tom writes: "When a Dodger game ends, 40 percent of the fans at Dodger Stadium don't know the game is over. On most nights when I get up to leave the game, the people in my section turn to watch me rise, and I can see it in their eyes as they realize why I'm getting up: THE GAME IS OVER."

Sadly, most Dodger fans know less about baseball than they do about health, parenting, or hygiene. Here's a very simple rule: if you don't know anything about baseball, keep your mouth shut. Keep your hands to your sides. And do not stand up. Once you learn the game, you have permission to speak, clap, and stand.

Paul writes: "With a runner on first, no outs, late innings, tie game, the opposing pitcher comes to the plate and lays down a perfect sacrifice bunt. When the Dodger pitcher tosses the ball to the second baseman covering first, the home crowd applauds the out wildly, having no concept of the game or that the opponents just carried out one of the fundamentals of the game flawlessly."

Whether it's "Giants suck! Giants suck!", "Cubs suck! Cubs suck!" or "My mom sucks! My mom sucks!", there's nothing less creative or more pathetic than the "suck chant." You go to a game in other cities, and people actually have funny things to yell. Witty things. But in L.A., things just suck.

Kevin writes: "I am a Dodger fan, completely. However, everytime I go to a S.F. game at Dodger stadium, I want to lower my head in shame when the bleacher idiots start chanting Barry sucks. Is it a sign of respect, as so many commentators like to point out? No, it's a sign of too much watered down beer, coupled with an overwhelming absence of brain waves. Sure, I can't stand him. The son of a bitch has broken my Dodger heart countless times. But does he suck? Fuck no! He's probably the best! Deal with it Dodger fans. The only thing that happens when the crowd at Dodger Stadium chants Barry sucks!, is to show the entire world how ignorant Dodger fans can be."

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