do a good job bashing Dodger management, but let's not forget where
most of the stupidity can be found: in the stands. As a baseball
fan, sitting through a game at Dodger Stadium can be frustrating.
As a human being, it can be downright depressing. Below are some
of the reasons why it's not a bad idea to just sit at home and watch
This page hasn't been updated in a couple of years. We have about
300 suggestions still to add... one of these days.
wave is probably the most annoying of all Dodger fan activites.
Usually started by drunk idiots in the bleachers, the wave inevitably
catches on, and before you know it 40,000 morons are raising their
arms above their head while making some unidentifiable grunting
sound. If that's what you want, go to a friggin' concert. Go to
a rave. Or go to hell. Whichever you choose, just stay away from
Dodger Stadium. What's amazing about the wave at Dodger games is
the timing. You could maybe understand itnot condone it, but
understand itif it only happened in runaway games or during
pitching changes perhaps. But that's not the case. People will do
the wave with the bases loaded and Paul Lo Duca at the plate (if
that ever happened.) Or with Kevin Brown on the mound with a one-run
lead and a guy on third. Look, idiots, if those situations aren't
interesting enough for you to just sit there and watch the goddamn
game, you shouldn't be at the game. What's more, Los Angeles is
one of only a handful of cities still doing this barbaric goddamn
thing. If only the drunk idiots in the bleachers would run back
and forth down the aisle stabbing themselves, maybe that could catch
on, and true baseball fans could be left to watch the game in peace.
are hundreds of places where playing with a beachball can be fun.
Maybe in the pool. At a park. On the front lawn. Hell, here's a
wild place: the beach. It's hard to decide what the worst thing
is about the beachball. Is it the distraction? Is it the game delay
when it's knocked onto the field? Or is it the asshole in front
of you who slams it directly into your face? Without a doubt, many
people get more excited about a beachball near their seats than
the game itself. HOLY SHIT, THERE'S A FLOATING PIECE OF PLASTIC!!!
Ushers get booed for grabbing beachballs away from fans, but god
bless them. If only they carried pins on extendable sticks. Or pellet
guns. Unfortunately if you're a fan and have the nerve to pop one,
you're subjecting yourself to the wrath of an entire section.
fans, of course, are notorious for arriving late and leaving early.
But it's getting ridiculous. Arriving in the 4th or 5th inning just
isn't acceptable. And it happens... often. The gates to the stadium
should just be closed in the 2nd inning. Period. If you can't make
it to the game within 45 minutes of game time, you'd shit out of
luck. Sure, there's traffic in Los Angeles. SO GIVE YOURSELF MORE
TIME. Don't have more time? Well, don't go to the game. And if you're
one of these people who's insistent on arriving late, for the love
of god, JUST FIND YOUR FUCKING SEAT AND SIT DOWN... which leads
us to our next point...
your seat at the stadium really isn't that difficult, yet it seems
to be a huge challenge for some. A group of people will walk down
an aisle, look around, look at their ticket stubs, and then walk
back up the aisle... only to walk back down a minute later. IT'S
NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. You find your aisle. 118. Now find your row.
H. Now find your seat. 12. Pretty goddamn simple. Sure, the confusing
double row bullshit at Dodger Stadium (two A's, two B's, etc.) isn't
a great idea when the average Dodger fan's IQ is lower than Pedro
Guerrero's, but finding your seat is not a complicated process.
It should not take 10 minutes of standing in the aisle, blocking
everyone's view of the field. And if you really are that stupid
that it takes you a full inning to find your seat, at least have
the courtesy to kneel or squat down so you're out of the way. Finally,
a note to the ushers: when you see a bunch of clueless dopes standing
around not knowing where the fuck they are, feel free to go down
and help. (The only problem is, half the ushers don't even know
how to find a seat.)
in the rows & aisles
one thing to stand up to applaud after a great play, a key strikeout,
or a run-scoring triple. It's quite another to stand up to talk
to a friend. Or to show off your Ron Coomer jersey. Or to spend
five minutes preparing to go get food. If you're going up to get
food, find out what everybody wants BEFORE YOU STAND UP. Here's
what generally happens: the dad decides to get food for his family.
So he stands up and starts to walk towards the aisle. Then he checks
his wallet to see how much money he has. Then he asks his overweight
wife what she wants. (Three dodger dogs, she says. No, wait, four.)
Then his wife asks the kids what they want. The kids can't decide,
but eventually demand cotton candy. All the while, asshole dad is
still standing up, blocking everyone's view. Here's an idea: figure
out what everyone wants while you're still sitting, and THEN stand
up. Have some goddamn respect for the few fans who actually care
about watching the game.
security should not search for weapons at the gate. They should
search for cell phones. Forget about banning backpacks larger than
14 inches. Ban cell phones. If someone can't go three hours without
talking on the phone, they've got a problem. And if they do have
that problem, they should stay the fuck home. More annoying than
normal cell phone use, however, are the shitheads who feel that
they need to call their friend sitting three sections away and wave
to themstanding up. "You see me, I'm over here. Nah,
nah, over by the railing. You see me? I see you, you see me? Heeeey...
wazzzzup!!!!" This has GOT to stop. If you really need to talk
to your friend that badly, walk the fuck over there. Oh, they're
on a different level? Well, meet them after the game at Del Taco.
It's GOT to stop.
one probably isn't unique to Dodger Stadium, but it's an issue nonetheless.
It's the construction worker philosophy: you see a girl with big
cans, you act like a retarded ape. This seems to be worst in the
bleachers, but it happens throughout the stadium. What's funnyor
sad, depending on how you look at itis that the scumbags at
the stadium seem to have boobie tunnel vision; that is, if she's
got big boobies, she must be hot. They don't see the cottage cheese
thighs, the Daryle Ward-sized ass, or the face that looks like a
dead possum. All they see is bobbies. Hell, they'd probably holler
at Ron Coomer if he walked up the aisle in a tube top.
the Dodgers are well aware of the average fan's level of baseball
knowledge, flashing "MAKE SOME NOISE!" messages on the
scoreboard during rallies. Without fail, the fans cooperate and
make some noise. Only they probably have no idea why they're making
noise other than the fact that they were told to. It's a bit sad
that Dodger fans need to be told when to cheer. Maybe they should
be told when to pee and when to leave, too. "TIME TO TAKE A
DUMP," the scoreboard can flash. "TIME TO WIPE THE COTTON
CANDY OFF OF YOUR KID'S DIRTY FACE."
to those of you who submitted suggestions for Stadium Stupidity
(and we've got hundreds of suggestions to add). The things
listed below seemed to piss off people the most.
the drunks on the top deck run out of beer money, they go for the
napkins. After twirling the edges, they go down to the front row
and drop them. Then, as they slowly float toward the field, everyone
ignores the game to watch paper in the air.
worse is when the drunks on the field level try to make them then
throw them as well. WHERE THE HELL IS IT GONNA GO?! YOU'RE ON THE
soon as a ball is hit in the air, half the stadium thinks it's a
home run. We're not talking about fly balls to the warning trackthat's
understandable. But most of the time it's a pop-up into shallow
left. Or a foul ball off of first. New rule for Dodger fans: wait
til the scoreboard flashes "HOME RUN"then you can
makes me crazy when the lady in front of me sees Alex Cora make
contact, and she jumps up and raises her arms. Look, lady, Cora
can barely hit the ball out of the infield, so save your fucking
Los Angeles, so it should come as no surprise that people drive
like shit in the stadium parking lot. Whether it's the guy in the
minivan who has no clue where Lot 18 is, the bitch who edges her
can up 4 inches so you can't merge into traffic, or the dick that
zips down the stadium exit to the 110 only to cut in at the last
minute, drivers at Dodger Stadium are no different than drivers
elsewhere in L.A.
need to post a sign that says 'No Questions- just pay and drive!'
at the entrance to the stadium parking lot. People get up there
and just sit and ask questions. How difficult is it to have $8 out
and ready to go to pay???"
adults have their own problems behaving at the game, there's no
reason to think kids should be able to control themselves. Yeah,
kids need to be able to let loose a little bit once in a while,
but that's what a park is for. Or the street. (Preferably a highway.)
Inevitably, there's a kid jumping on his seat, dumping trash into
the next row, and crawling all over the filthy concrete floor. Meanwhile,
their parents jack them up on cotton candy, malts, and licorice.
Hmmm... shocking that they're out of control.
seems like every time I go to a game, I get a family near me who
practically refuses to watch their 5 or 6 year old kid. So the little
shit is running up and down the aisle, smacking my arm or my leg,
and screaming. Put a fucking leash on the little bastard."
Adults wearing full Dodger gear
team spirit is one thing... wearing a goddamn uniform is quite another.
Half the Dodgers don't even deserve to wear uniforms... you sure
as hell don't. Wearing a Dodger hat or shirt is reasonablewearing
a personalized jersey, grey pants, and a glove is not. Why not wear
cleats, too, in case the Dodgers run out of players?
adults sporting baseball gloves. Gonna catch the foul ball ya big
loser? Give me a break."
note: No, they're not going to catch a foul ball. After
Shawn Green tosses the ball into the stands, they're going to snatch
it from a 4-year-old.
Booing anything and everything
booing is part of the game. But it wouldn't kill Dodger fans to
discriminate a bit. If Shawn Green goes 0-for-80, sure, go ahead
and boo. But when the opposing pitcher steps off the rubber, booing
probably isn't necessary. If an umpire blatantly blows a call, boo.
If the vendor runs out of peanuts, don't boo.
fail, when an ex-Dodger comes to town, he is booed. No matter what
led to him becoming an ex-Dodger, be it a trade that was against
his will, the Dodgers' unwillingness to pay him market value, or
any other reason, the player must be booed lustily when his name
is announced. I mean, how on earth could you really dislike Dave
Hansen? He's Dave Hansen! Not once in 10 years did he do one thing
that could even be remotely construed as being rude or disrespectful
to Dodger fans or fellow teammates. Dodger management never gave
him a shot to establish himself as a starter, so he spent a decade
dutifully coming off the bench. Yet, he is announced at Dodger Stadium
in a Padre uniform and you'd think they just introduced Bobby Thompson
to throw out the first pitch (not that one person in the stadium
would know who he is...). Yes, Dodger fan, boo anybody whose name
people are hairier than others. That's fine. Eric Karros is hairy.
Orel Hershiser isn't. Nothing wrong with being hairyjust as
long as you don't subject the rest of the world to the Brillo pad
covering your body. Nothing better than a day game at Dodger Stadium
that inspires a hairy ape to wear a tank top to the gameor
better yet, go shirtless.
we're all very impressed that you've managed to create an un-breaking
sea of hair from your ass crack to the top of your head, but it's
enough already. Speaking of hair, it's great that the Mrs. has been
growing it out since she was six so it comes down to the back of
her knees, but can she keep it the fuck off of mine and out of my
food as well?!"
Behind-the-backstop cell phone wavers
the State of California gets around to banning cell phone use while
driving, let's hope they ban it in the Dugout Club seats too. We
all know the jackasses who are lucky enough to get the front row
seats behind home plate, call their friends and tell them that they're
on TV, and then wave at the TV camera DURING EACH PITCH FOR THE
ENTIRE FUCKING GAME. Here's what their phone conversation must sound
like: "Hey, am I on TV?" "Yeah, man, you're on!"
"Hey, am I still on?" "Yeah, dude, I see you!"
"Sweet... am I still on?" "Yeah, bro, you're still
on... wave, man."
these morons who are sitting behind the backstop waving all game
long be considered a distraction to the pitcher? Or to the rest
of the world? They pay $200 for those seats, and they spend 3 hours
on the phone. Just goes to show that the fans in the dugout section
are no smarter than the idiots in the bleachers."
A-holes who interfere with the game
Stadium continues to be one of the most beautiful stadiums in the
country, a testament to those who designed it. However, there was
one fatal design flaw: the low fence by the foul poles. Years ago,
when the small gates at the bottom of each aisle weren't secured,
the gates would swing open as fans reached over the railing. The
gates are now secured, but it hasn't stopped the morons from interfering
with play. When a ball is hit down the line, whether fair or foul,
there's a good half-dozen people reaching over the railing trying
to grab it. Nevermind it's a tie game. Nevermind the Dodgers have
a guy on first who might be able to come around to score. Nevermind
there's an outfielder trying to pick up the ball. Dumb fucks.
like they've been sitting on their hands for six or seven innings...
on the verge of exploding... for the chance... to REACH OVER THE
RAILING FOR A BALL. Our fans revel in their stupidity. Apparently
it's loads of fun to interfere with the game."
'Fans' who completely ignore the game
think that if people wanted to shoot the shit about their tomato
plants, their second cousin's gay wedding, or their kid's venereal
disease, they'd save thirty bucks and just stay at home. Sure, when
the Dodgers don't get a hit for 6 innings the game can get boring...
fine. But don't turn around and ask the guy behind youwho's
actually been paying attentionhow the other team loaded the
bases. And four innings is long enough for you to figure out who
the Dodgers starting pitcher is. You can kind of forgive someone
sitting in the upper deck who isn't following every pitch, but when
you're sitting three rows above the dugout and you don't have a
clue what's happening, you're just an idiot. And you deserve to
have a flying bat knock you unconscious.
a Dodger game ends, 40 percent of the fans at Dodger Stadium don't
know the game is over. On most nights when I get up to leave the
game, the people in my section turn to watch me rise, and I can
see it in their eyes as they realize why I'm getting up: THE GAME
Lack of baseball knowledge
most Dodger fans know less about baseball than they do about health,
parenting, or hygiene. Here's a very simple rule: if you don't know
anything about baseball, keep your mouth shut. Keep your hands to
your sides. And do not stand up. Once you learn the game, you have
permission to speak, clap, and stand.
a runner on first, no outs, late innings, tie game, the opposing
pitcher comes to the plate and lays down a perfect sacrifice bunt.
When the Dodger pitcher tosses the ball to the second baseman covering
first, the home crowd applauds the out wildly, having no concept
of the game or that the opponents just carried out one of the fundamentals
of the game flawlessly."
The 'Somebody sucks!' chant
it's "Giants suck! Giants suck!", "Cubs suck! Cubs
suck!" or "My mom sucks! My mom sucks!", there's
nothing less creative or more pathetic than the "suck chant."
You go to a game in other cities, and people actually have funny
things to yell. Witty things. But in L.A., things just suck.
am a Dodger fan, completely. However, everytime I go to a S.F. game
at Dodger stadium, I want to lower my head in shame when the bleacher
idiots start chanting Barry sucks. Is it a sign of respect, as so
many commentators like to point out? No, it's a sign of too much
watered down beer, coupled with an overwhelming absence of brain
waves. Sure, I can't stand him. The son of a bitch has broken my
Dodger heart countless times. But does he suck? Fuck no! He's probably
the best! Deal with it Dodger fans. The only thing that happens
when the crowd at Dodger Stadium chants Barry sucks!, is to show
the entire world how ignorant Dodger fans can be."
MORE TO COME
More stadium stupidity?
Submit your stadium pet peeve below.