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> Mike Piazza interviews Guillermo Mota

Mike Piazza is seated at a posh café on Beverly Blvd. Guillermo Mota walks in. When Piazza rises to greet him, Mota runs out of the restaurant and hops in a cab.

Mike Piazza: I guess we'll reschedule.

The next day… Guillermo Mota is seated this time and waits for Mike Piazza. Mota stares intently at the doorway, prepping himself for meeting the man who could potentially end his life. Suddenly, Mota is startled when Piazza, wearing a bright pink shirt, taps on him on the shoulder.

Mike Piazza: Nice to meet you. I'm not gay.

Guillermo Mota: You scared me, Mike Piazza.

MP: Sorry about startling you. I like to come in the back door.

Mota laughs and then is blinded by Piazza's bright pink shirt.

GM: Your shirt is very pink.

MP: It's not pink. It's "salmon."

GM: Where do you find shirt like that?

MP: I've had it for a while. I went looking for a fabulous shirt to wear this morning and was wearing this when I came out of the closet.

Mota laughs again.

GM: You are funny man, Mike Piazza. I'm still scared of you, but you are funny man.

MP: Uh…thanks. So, let's get begin the interview. How did you get started in baseball?

GM: Everybody in my village play baseball, so I play too.

MP: I hear you started out as a shortstop. How did you end up pitching?

GM: I change in minor leagues when coach find out I throw hard.

MP: Yes, hard is good. When I was in high school, I spent a lot of time on my knees playing with balls. I guess it was only natural that I became a catcher.

Mota smirks.

MP: You don't get many opportunities to hit. Do you ever take batting practice?

GM: No.

MP: I once tried switch-hitting, but discovered that no matter how much my parents wanted me to bat from the other side, I was going to be different from what they wanted.

Mota is trying to hold back the tears because he's laughing so hard. Just then, a waiter who looks suspiciously like Chad Fonville arrives to take their order. Actually, it is Chad Fonville.

GM: My name is Chad and I'll be your waiter. Oh hey, Mike. I didn't recognize you.

Piazza rises and shakes Fonville's hand.

MP: It's good to see you again, Chad. I'm not gay.

Chad Fonville: Riiiiiight. So, have you decided what you want?

GM: I will have chicken with no back bone. And a beer.

MP: Bring me your biggest Polish sausage.

CF: I see that's still your favorite. Would you like a salad?

MP: Sure. A salad and two waters please.

CF: We have fifty types of salad, Mike. Is there one you prefer?

MP: I prefer to have my salad tossed.

Fonville and Mota burst out laughing. Piazza doesn't understand why.

MP: What's so funny?

CF: Nothing. I'll be back in a moment with the drinks.

Fonville leaves. Mota is trying to catch his breath.

MP: The Dodgers have fallen behind early in a lot of games recently yet still found a way to win. Does it mean more to win like that?

GM: We are happy as long as we win. It does not matter how, just that we win.

Fonville returns with the drinks. Mota chugs half the beer. Piazza takes his keys.

MP: I hear ya. I found it's a lot more fun to come from behind.

Mota spits out his beer. Fonville looks at Mota.

CF: I really hope you're talking about baseball.

MP: Of course I am. What else would I be talking about? I'm not gay.

CF: Never mind.

MP: Anyway, back to the interview. Who do you consider to be your closest friend on the team?

GM: I room with Jose Lima on the road. He is always so happy except when I make hotel room dirty. He is very anal about keeping room neat.

MP: I find that anal is good. It's better than the other way.

Mota spits out his beer and Fonville falls down laughing. Mota holds his side.

MP: What is so goddamn funny?

Fonville crawls away laughing. Mota tries to drink his beer, but starts laughing every time he tries.

MP: That's it. This interview is over.

Frustrated, Piazza gets up and leaves. Mota and Fonville watch as Piazza drives away in his "salmon" Volkswagen Beetle convertible.

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