Mike Marshall interviews
It is 3 hours before game time and longtime Dodgers announcer
Ross Porter sits down in the booth with Dodger Blues correspondent
Marshall: It's good to see you again, Ross.
Porter: It's the Moose. In 1985, you hit 28 home runs and had
95 RBIs for the Dodgers.
That's right, I did. Anyway, Dodger Blues asked me to interview
you about your announcing career.
You hit .243 in games the night after Steve Howe did blow off a
Wow, Ross. You haven't missed a beat.
then, the door opens and another man enters the booth. It is the
"other" Mike Marshall in Dodger history.
Mike Marshall: Ross Porter, I'm Dr. Mike Marshall.
In 1974, you won 15 games, had 21 saves and
won the National League Cy Young Award.
MM: That's right. Best goddamn pitcher in the league. Anyway,
I'm here because Dodger Blues asked me to interview you about your
The Dodger Blues website was founded in the year 2001 by a guy who
wanted even less of a life than he already had. The website had
14 visitors that year. All 14 were family or friends of the webmaster.
You can't come in here and steal my interview. I'm doing the interview
for Dodger Blues.
MM: I have three degrees from Michigan State, including a Ph.D.
in kinesiology, asshole. I think I'm qualified to conduct an interview
with Ross fucking Porter.
He wasn't even an announcer for the team when you played here.
Your pre-game meal on August 19, 1974 was lemon chicken with green
beans and a side salad with bleu cheese dressing.
MM: Okay, just plain damn creepy.
On days when you ate lemon chicken with green beans and salad, your
ERA was 2.92. However, if you opted for soup instead of salad, your
ERA rose to 3.54.
Mike Marshall gets up and flips through Porter's file cabinet of
MM: Jesus Christ, this guy has information on everybody who's
ever played for the organization. Statistics, personal information,
credit reports, naked photos of Rick Monday. You sick bastard!
There's only one way to settle this. Whoever had the biggest impact
for the Dodgers organization should conduct the interview.
MM: Deal. I helped the Dodgers to the 1974 pennant.
You have a career ERA of 3.65 against guys named "George,"
"Rusty," or "Boog."
I won a World Series with the Dodgers in 1988
and I was kind
of here in 1981. Ooh, SNAP!
You also missed 58 games in 1987 due to back, wrist and ankle injuries
as well as food poisoning and wart removal.
Mike Marshall cautiously distances himself from the warty Mike Marshall.
MM: I had 106 appearances and established Major League records
for most relief innings pitched (208), most consecutive games pitched
in a season (13) and I was named Fireman of the Year.
The fire department was summoned to Dodger Stadium on July 24, 1993
when Eric Davis and New York Met Vince Coleman threw firecrackers
out of a car in the parking lot.
I played with such Dodger greats as Pedro Guerrero, Kirk Gibson
and Steve Sax.
Steve Sax hit .356 in day games when his brother Dave was in the
lineup but didn't call home to their mom to tell her they were both
playing. You also played with Jack Fimple.
Who's Jack Fimple?
MM: I played with such greats as Steve Garvey, Billy Buckner
and Tommy John.
Steve Garvey's forearms measured 10" in circumference.
I played with great pitchers like Fernando Valenzuela, Bob Welch
and Dave Stewart.
Dave Stewart's dress size is 10 though he'll tell you he's still
a size six.
MM: You got in fights with your own teammates on a consistent
basis. They hated you.
They were all just jealous that I was fucking that chick from The
It doesn't matter what they say in the jealous games people play
hey hey hey!
MM: Godammit Ross, stop singing Go-Gos songs!
Vin Scully wouldn't sing during an interview.
That's it. You have insulted my honor. I demand satisfaction.
Porter pulls a pair of leather gloves out of his inside-jacket pocket
and drops one in front of each of the Mikes.
What the hell is he doing?
MM: He looks upset.
I challenge you both to a duel. I choose pistols at dawn. Good day,
What the hell does
I said, good day sirs.
dawn the next morning, unbeknownst by authorities or the Dodger
organization, Ross Porter shot and killed both Mike Marshalls and
buried them in a shallow grave on the Think Blue(s) hillside.