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> Mike Ramsey interviews Robin Ventura


A white man walks into a Denny's. A black man stands and waves him over to his table.

Black Man: Are you Robin Ventura?

White Man: No, I'm Mike Ramsey. I played six games for the Dodgers in 1985.

BM: But I'm Mike Ramsey. I played outfield for the Dodgers in 1987 and batted over .300 for the first 7 games of the season. It all went downhill from there.

WM: Holy crap! You're the Mike Ramsey who stole my identity. It's your fault that I couldn't get a Sears card.

BM: Sorry, Opie. Goodbye police record for robbing liquor stores and beating my wife. Hello 75 extra points on my credit rating.

WM: So, what are you doing here?

BM: Dodger Blues called me to interview Robin Ventura.

WM: They called me to interview Robin Ventura.

BM: No shit? This is the second time in a row this has happened. Did you know both Mike Marshalls showed up to interview Ross Porter?

WM: Only a really crappy website with absolutely no creativity would allow something like this to happen in consecutive interviews.

BM: Totally. It's like they're not even trying.

WM: Hey, there's Robin Ventura-he's about to come through the door.

Robin Ventura enters. Both Mike Ramseys walk over to greet him.

BM: Hey Robin, welcome to Denny's.

Robin Ventura: Thanks, can I get a glass of water please?

BM: Uh, I'm not the waiter. I'm Mike Ramsey. I'm here to interview you for Dodger Blues.

RV: Then who are you?

WM: I'm Mike Ramsey. I'm also here to interview you for Dodger Blues.

RV: Wait a second. This is sounding a lot like the same joke they--

BM: Yeah, yeah. We already covered that.

RV: Okay, let's get this thing started.

WM: Robin, you've won six gold gloves in your career. Five with the White Sox and one with the Mets.

Ventura smiles.

WM: So let me ask you, what was it like getting your ass kicked by Nolan Ryan?

RV: I wouldn't say I got my ass kicked.

BM: Shall we role the videotape?

Ventura: No! That's okay. In retrospect, it was pretty foolish. I was new in the league and took exception to how he pitched me.

BM: You also took a half-dozen right hands to the face.

Both of the Mike Ramseys laugh. A waiter comes by to take their order. He looks a lot like Steve Sax, only less athletic. His name tag reads "Steve Sax's Brother."

Sax's Brother: Can I take your order?

WM: Uh, you guys have chicken and waffles?

SB: No.

WM: Do you have chicken?

SB: Yes.

WM: Do you have waffles?

SB: Yes.

WM: I'll have an order of each.

BM: I'll have a Spanish Omelet. Egg whites only. In fact, I want it as white as possible.

RV: I'll have a Grand Slam breakfast.

BM: Grand slam. That reminds me.

Ventura smiles proudly.

BM: When you're at the plate with the bases loaded, do you ever think about how you got your ass kicked in 1993 by a 46 year-old Nolan Ryan?

RV: Is that all we're going to talk about? Nolan Ryan kicking my ass?

WM: What else is there to discuss?

RV: We could talk about grand slams?

BM: You wanna talk about your breakfast?

RV: Baseball. Grand slams.

WM: Oh, I got you. You mean the grand slam you didn't hit in the 15th inning of Game 5 of the 1999 NLCS against the Braves because you only got credit for a single?

RV: It was a grand slam.

BM: I believe you only got as far as first base. But enough about your prom night.

WM: Hey-oh!

The Ramseys high-five each other. Steve Sax's Brother returns with their breakfasts.

WM: So what do you do for the Dodgers now?

RV: I sit on the bench and wait for a chance to pinch hit.

BM: When do you pinch hit?

RV: Jim Tracy, our manager, only lets me pinch hit against right-handed pitchers.

WM: What's your lifetime average against right-handed pitchers?

RV: Two seventy-one.

BM: What's your lifetime average against left-handed pitchers?

RV: Two fifty-seven.

The Ramseys look at each other.

WM: Fourteen points difference over 16 major league seasons? Well that makes complete sense.

BM: Yup, that Tracy guy is a genius. He should win manager of the year.

WM: He's got my vote.

Robin Ventura's phone rings.

RV: Sorry Mikes, that was Tracy—looks like the pitcher's spot is coming up. Gotta run.

WM: Tracy is putting you in to run?

BM: No, White Ramsey, it's an expression—it means he has to get going. He's going to pinch-hit.

WM: Oh, well in that case I have two quick questions. First, when the other team brings in a lefty and Tracy calls you back to the dugout, can we finish the interview?

RV: Sure. What's the other question?

WM: When Nolan Ryan was smacking you in the face—

Before black Mike Ramsey finishes his sentence, Ventura is out the door.

 


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