John Shelby interviews
Jeff Kent pulls up at the far end of five urinals in the
Dodgertown clubhouse. Seconds later, John Shelby occupies the urinal
directly next to Jeff Kent.
Shelby: 'Sup, Jeff. How's it hanging?
Kent: Uh, it's hanging fine. Look, did you really need to take
the urinal directly next to me? I'm having a hard time going now.
Yes, for the sake of this interview.
Yeah, the dodgers stuck it in my contract. I'm one of the "Johns"
in the new "John in the john" series. Turns out there
are very few of us in Dodger history.
Interesting. Can we do this later?
Nope. It's gotta be in the john. So, I saw you with ice on your
knee after yesterday's game. What happened?
It's fine. It's just a little swollen from running.
You sure it didn't happen while washing your truck?
Funny. Hadn't heard that one before.
Even though you're a former Giant, I think the L.A. fans will welcome
you. After all, you stood up to Barry Bonds in that infamous "Slugout
in the Dugout" a few years back.
People have made too big a deal about that. Barry went into one
his steroid-induced rages and I had had enough of him and his big
So you're confirming that Barry Bonds did steroids?
Oh yeah. He did everything from steroids to growth hormones to animal
tranquilizers. Anything he could get his hands on he would inject
into himself. I once caught him injecting maple syrup.
What do you think about the 2005 Dodgers team?
I'm excited. I think we have great starting pitching. That number
38 in the bullpen has some nasty stuff. The fat-lefty guy who pitches
does a good job mixing up his pitches. I don't know his name but
I've been calling him Fernando.
JS: The guys in the clubhouse say you're running a close
second to Jose Valentin for the best porn-stache on the team.
For the last time, this isn't a porn-stache. This is a redneck mustache.
This is the mustache you see on the police officer who pulls you
over or on the guy in the pick-up truck with the confederate flag
painted on the back window. I'm tired of people calling it a porn-stache.
I'll make you a deal. I'll quit calling it a porn-stache if you
quit calling me T-boner.
You still peeing?
Good, me too. Let's shake on it.
and Kent each give a synchronized shake before zipping up.