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John Tudor interviews
Cesar Izturis |
John Tudor enters the NL Team locker room at Comerica Park
in Detroit. He walks in to the bathroom to find Cesar Izturis weeping
at sink. Tudor approaches him.
John
Tudor: What's wrong, little boy?
Cesar
Izturis (muttering): Lost.
JT:
You're lost? Sorry kid, can't help you.
CI:
No, I'm not lost. I lost. The all-star ballots. I lost.
JT:
Oh, don't worry. You're still here though. It's no reason to cry.
CI:
I have shamed my family. My brother Maicer won't return my calls.
My mom called to say they've taken me out of family photos and replaced
me with photos of David Eckstein.
JT:
That's rough. Weren't you ahead by 50,000 votes with 2 days of voting
to go?
CI:
Yes. And that bastard Eckstein finished 344,000 votes ahead of me?
In two days! How does that happen?
JT:
Hmm
can you think of anybody who is so angry of jealous of
you, that they'd turn to voter fraud to upset you?
Izturis
thinks for a bit.
CI:
It has to be my brother. He's been jealous of me since we were kids.
JT:
And Maicer is older or younger?
CI:
He is younger.
JT:
By how much?
CI:
He's seven months younger.
JT:
That's impossible. Siblings can't be born seven months apart.
CI:
I thought it was impossible to go 7-for-82, but I did.
JT:
I wish I could help you feel better.
CI:
But you can. You're a former Cardinals player. Maybe you can snoop
around and find out if somebody here might have stuffed the email
box.
JT:
I already thought of that. Nobody from the Cardinals team had anything
to do with it. Not even Eckstein. The guy doesn't even own a computer.
CI:
I don't know, but I smell a rat.
JT:
Actually, that smell is coming from Carlos Lee. Pedro dared him
to eat 30 tacos in 30 minutes.
Just
then, a Delivery Man enters the bathroom with a Gift Basket.
Delivery
Man: Is there a Cesar Izturis in here?
CI:
That's me.
Delivery
Man: Sign here.
Izturis
signs and takes the basket full of cookies, muffins, and other tasty
treats.
JT:
Let me guess, congratulations from somebody on your first all-star
appearance?
CI:
No, I get one of these every day from Dan Evans. It's his way of
thanking me for making him look good in the deal for Luke Prokopec.
JT:
Who's Luke Prokopec?
Izturis
ignores the question.
CI:
I don't know how this could have happened.
JT:
Did you ever think that maybe this happened because David Eckstein
is a better shortstop?
CI:
No.
JT:
Did you ever think that St.Louis is a better baseball town with
better baseball fans who reward their better baseball players with
all-star votes?
CI:
You're starting to make me angry.
JT:
Oh no, I'm making little Cesar angry.
CI:
You shouldn't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
JT:
Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?
Izturis'
eyes widen and he starts to shake. His muscles begin to bulge and
he breaks through his shirt. His skin turns a green hue. He screams
like a monster and grabs a bat. He walks over to Tudor, screams
at him, and then goes to a nearby toilet and proceeds to smash it
into chunks. And then into tiny pieces. And then into dust.
JT:
I guess this would be a bad time to tell you that I'm the one who
rigged the All-Star election so the Cardinals would have six players
one of which would prevent you from being voted in as a starter.
CI:
I'll kill you.
Izturis
raises the bat over his head. Just as he is about to bring it down
on Tudor's head, Tudor calmly tosses a baseball 12 feet to the right
of Izturis. Instinctively, Izturis dives to keep the ball from getting
past him. Tudor uses the time to quickly slip out the bathroom.
JT:
Stupid gold glovers
never miss a chance to dive for a ball.
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