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> John Tudor interviews Cesar Izturis


John Tudor enters the NL Team locker room at Comerica Park in Detroit. He walks in to the bathroom to find Cesar Izturis weeping at sink. Tudor approaches him.

John Tudor: What's wrong, little boy?

Cesar Izturis (muttering): Lost.

JT: You're lost? Sorry kid, can't help you.

CI: No, I'm not lost. I lost. The all-star ballots. I lost.

JT: Oh, don't worry. You're still here though. It's no reason to cry.

CI: I have shamed my family. My brother Maicer won't return my calls. My mom called to say they've taken me out of family photos and replaced me with photos of David Eckstein.

JT: That's rough. Weren't you ahead by 50,000 votes with 2 days of voting to go?

CI: Yes. And that bastard Eckstein finished 344,000 votes ahead of me? In two days! How does that happen?

JT: Hmm… can you think of anybody who is so angry of jealous of you, that they'd turn to voter fraud to upset you?

Izturis thinks for a bit.

CI: It has to be my brother. He's been jealous of me since we were kids.

JT: And Maicer is older or younger?

CI: He is younger.

JT: By how much?

CI: He's seven months younger.

JT: That's impossible. Siblings can't be born seven months apart.

CI: I thought it was impossible to go 7-for-82, but I did.

JT: I wish I could help you feel better.

CI: But you can. You're a former Cardinals player. Maybe you can snoop around and find out if somebody here might have stuffed the email box.

JT: I already thought of that. Nobody from the Cardinals team had anything to do with it. Not even Eckstein. The guy doesn't even own a computer.

CI: I don't know, but I smell a rat.

JT: Actually, that smell is coming from Carlos Lee. Pedro dared him to eat 30 tacos in 30 minutes.

Just then, a Delivery Man enters the bathroom with a Gift Basket.

Delivery Man: Is there a Cesar Izturis in here?

CI: That's me.

Delivery Man: Sign here.

Izturis signs and takes the basket full of cookies, muffins, and other tasty treats.

JT: Let me guess, congratulations from somebody on your first all-star appearance?

CI: No, I get one of these every day from Dan Evans. It's his way of thanking me for making him look good in the deal for Luke Prokopec.

JT: Who's Luke Prokopec?

Izturis ignores the question.

CI: I don't know how this could have happened.

JT: Did you ever think that maybe this happened because David Eckstein is a better shortstop?

CI: No.

JT: Did you ever think that St.Louis is a better baseball town with better baseball fans who reward their better baseball players with all-star votes?

CI: You're starting to make me angry.

JT: Oh no, I'm making little Cesar angry.

CI: You shouldn't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

JT: Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?

Izturis' eyes widen and he starts to shake. His muscles begin to bulge and he breaks through his shirt. His skin turns a green hue. He screams like a monster and grabs a bat. He walks over to Tudor, screams at him, and then goes to a nearby toilet and proceeds to smash it into chunks. And then into tiny pieces. And then into dust.

JT: I guess this would be a bad time to tell you that I'm the one who rigged the All-Star election so the Cardinals would have six players… one of which would prevent you from being voted in as a starter.

CI: I'll kill you.

Izturis raises the bat over his head. Just as he is about to bring it down on Tudor's head, Tudor calmly tosses a baseball 12 feet to the right of Izturis. Instinctively, Izturis dives to keep the ball from getting past him. Tudor uses the time to quickly slip out the bathroom.

JT: Stupid gold glovers…never miss a chance to dive for a ball.


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