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I sat with the McCourts for three days. They asked me questions and I asked them questions. I found them to be bright — visionaries, in fact.

- Ned Colletti
Who then asked for a napkin to wipe the shit off his nose

I apologize for all that.

- Jason Schmidt
On having been a Giant

It was a case where a team was wanting to win. That's what I'm all about.

- Kenny Lofton
Explaining why he signed with... Texas?

Our goal is to always keep Dodger Stadium affordable for all of our fans. While some of our ticket prices have gone up, we are the only major sports franchise in Southern California to still have a $4 season ticket package.

- Marty Greenspun (C.O.O.)
Conveniently ignoring the affordability of the
$5 water bottle, the $6 hot dog, and the $8 beer

I think I'm health-e e- uh uh... I know I'm healthy.

- Randy Wolf
In his first Dodger press conference

Each of the executives I spoke with yesterday said they believe the Pierre signing is, hands-down, the worst financial move of the off-season.

- Buster Olney (ESPN)
On Colletti's $45 million gift to Juan Pierre

Our priority is to get as many good players as possible.

- Ned Colletti
On his revolutionary offseason strategy

Pierre gets on base an awful lot.

- Ned Colletti
Apparently unaware that Pierre's OBP
has declined the last 3 years

It means more than just a hat. It's like my crown. It's like asking a king to remove his crown. A Jewish man -- would you ask me to remove my yarmulke? A Kofee? A turban? Anything like that? But I guess a Los Angeles Dodgers hat is not a religious symbol. That is secular. You respect religion but you don't respect this.

- Charles Littleton
On being arrested for refusing to remove his Dodgers cap
during a Saginaw, Michigan city council meeting

He wants out, he can have out.

- Ned Colletti
Ever so graciously accepting J.D. Drew's decision to walk

Now that was mean.

- Steve Lyons
On making fun of a blind guy on the air

Fuck the Dodgers.

- Paul Lo Duca
After beating the Dodgers in the Division Series

He (Nomar) came to play every day.

- Ned Colletti
Obviously forgetting the 40 days that Nomar
was injured and didn't come to play

Dodgers Turn Page on Successful Season.

Calling a sweep in the NLDS by a team
without its 2 top starters a success

It was a selfish thing to do. It's all about responsibility. I'm sure a lot of guys had dinner and a glass of wine but were responsible about it.

- Brett Tomko
Ripping Joe Beimel a new one

Don't blame Grady.

- Brad Penny
Preferring that people blame Rick Honeycutt for his crappiness

It happened in the second inning. You can't expect to win a ballgame in the second inning.

- Jeff Kent
On how the early innings don't count

I'm going to drink a couple bottles of champagne and then make the lineup.

- Grady Little
Acting like he's never done that before

She said she thought she was having the baby right there, and if she did, she was going to name it Olmedo.

- Rich Donnely
On his daughter's stupidity

Everybody in Los Angeles thought we weren't going to amount to anything.

- J.D. Drew
Showing his affection for the hometown fans

Dude, you're on fire.

- Matt Kemp
Telling Derek Lowe that his pants were burning

I'm tired of leaving my wife at home with no nanny and no cook to take care of four kids by herself.

- Jeff Kent
On not being able to afford a nanny

This time of year, each individual has to go deep down and dig out 10-15% more effort. It's like digging for oil. Where's all the oil? Down deep, that's where.

- Don Newcombe
On digging for oil

Chacon is in the passenger side of the car he is driving when it comes to negating base runners.

- Rick Monday
As eloquent as ever

Jeff Kent has had a great night at the plate dispite going 0-for-3.

- Rick Monday
Apparently confused about what 0-for-3 means

And of course Blum... rhymes with... plum.

- Vin Scully
Working on his Padres poetry

They acted like they won the division.

- Josh Barfield
On the nerve of the Dodgers to celebrate
one of the team's greatest wins ever

He [Mariano Duncan] said, 'We're gonna get your (expletive), you stupid cocky (expletive),' That's it, verbatim, with that little Dominican twang. I didn't even know who the guy was. But that's one classless individual. I'd love for him to come to San Diego Fight Club, where we train sometimes, so we can settle it there.

- Jake Peavy
Bitter that a dude with a Dominican twang got the best of him

That's not a good injury.

- Rick Monday
Stopping short of explaining what 'good injuries' are

You get into the postseason winning the division or via the Wild Card.

- Grady Little
Explaining the complicated format for making the playoffs

When I had to have the second operation, I thought about quitting and going home, but Darren Dreifort told me to keep going. He said he was 30 years old and he had two surgeries, and he was still pitching, and I should keep going, too.

- Hong-Chih Kuo
On his interesting choice of role models

Our guy was terrific.

- Jim Tracy
Evoking some nostalgia by showing that
he still doesn't know his own players names

We will put this game behind us and come back tomorrow and see if we will be ready to beat on somebody. Then when we start hitting the ball, starting having baserunners, we won't look flat anymore. I guarantee you.

- Grady Little
Explaining how hits and runs enliven a team

The more experienced you are, the better off you are.

- Ned Colletti
Sharing his profound knowledge of pinch-hitting

I kept telling them I wasn't swinging, but I looked hitterish, didn't I? I took fake practice swings, put pine tar on the bat. When you're batting .093, you put the fear of God in people.

- Derek Lowe
On getting walked despite his bad hand

J.D Drew nailed his brother.

- Vin Scully
Giving us a little too much information

He's got a baseball, fastball, curve and change.

- Vin Scully
Naming Claudio Vargas' pitches

My arm is feeling better than it has in two years.

- Eric Gagne
Saying the same thing he's been saying for, well, two years

I was throwing so many cutters it was messing up the release point on my sinker. I've only thrown about five cutters in the last four games.

- Derek Lowe
Jumping on the "Fire Rick Honeycutt" bandwagon

It's kind of nice not to take a shower.

- Andre Ethier
Tired of showering in between O. Saenz and Jonathan Broxton

When you miss it, you miss it. It could have happened in right field, it could have happened in left field, it could have happened at third.

- Julio Lugo
On how he's equally capable of making 2 errors at any position


- Grady Little
After being asked for an update on Jayson Werth's condition

He [Wilson Betemit] fit right in with the way we do rundowns. He's a Dodger. He thought he could catch him and it looked like Olmedo Saenz trying to catch me in a footrace; he just couldn't quite do it.

- Grady Little
Proving that even the manager can rag on a fatty

I'm the kind of guy who looks to be in first at the end of the season.

- Kenny Lofton
Distinguishing himself from those who look
to end the season in fourth place

Manuel Corpas is long and lean—the opposite of Olmedo Saenz.

- Vin Scully
Well aware that it wouldn't kill Saenz to eat a salad

Now there's no where to put Ken Hent.

- Vin Scully
Trying his best to say Jeff Kent

I think this was a hump game for him.

- Rick Honeycutt
Having seen Carolyn Hughes waiting for
Derek Lowe in the locker room

It gives us length down there.

- Grady Little
On the team's new penis pump

I'm very nervous.

- Julio Lugo
On the prospect of meeting Ricky Ledee


When they moved me to third base, I added about 20 pounds. I feel comfortable playing there now. The first time, it was a little confusing. The ball gets there quickly.

- Wilson Betemit
On how being fat makes him a better ballplayer

The Dodgers have now lost 13 of their last 14 games since the All-Star break. In fact, at yesterday's game even the players left after the fifth inning to beat the traffic.

- Jay Leno
Taking a second out of his boring monologue to talk baseball

You know, the team is a bad team. [But] I could be happy there because I can be the ace on staff.

- Odalis Perez
Immediately making friends with his new Royals teammates

It was like I lanced a boil and all this poison came out.

- Frank McCourt
After giving Olmedo Saenz a rubdown

Listen, the franchise hadn't won a postseason game in 16 years, the team was losing $60 million a year, the brand was eroding, and everyone's pissed at me! People were entrenched in jobs that paid $500,000 a year and they weren't trying to win, to make money, to do their fucking job... I said, 'Let me get this right. The team's losing money, hasn't won, the brand's eroding and you're fucking complaining because I'm making changes?'

- Frank McCourt
Failing to understand that Ross Porter wasn't the problem

You have to have patience. So don't fucking ask me if I can turn my vision into reality! I've been fucking building all my life! I never quit on anything!

- Frank McCourt
Making a case that he should be institutionalized

So, the Dodgers go 1-2-3. Gosh, you've heard me say that a lot.

- Vin Scully
Before stabbing himself in the chest

He's probably had better days out there, but he knows what he's doing.

- Grady Little
On Kenny Lofton's dying wheels

That equipment that he throws to the fan, he's got to try to go out and find a way to bring that cap back or pay for it. I don't think any equipment that says `L.A. Dodgers' belongs to him.

- Mariano Duncan
After throwing his hat at the umpire,
who caught it and handed it to a fan

The greatest part about it is it went into someone's beer. My initial reaction was to send one of the kids in the clubhouse out to buy them a new beer, then I found out it was a Dodgers fan. I told her I'm not going to buy her a beer if she's a Dodgers fan.

- Eric Byrnes
On his home run against the Dodgers

The same way my hair turning gray bothers me.

- Grady Little
When asked if the lack of power in the lineup bothered him

It's killing me as a professional and it's killing my career.

- Odalis Perez
Somehow under the impression that he's professional

If I've done something wrong, let me know, tell me. I want to know. I've been treated like trash.

- Odalis Perez
On being tossed in a bag with some half-eaten Dodger Dogs
and thrown in a dumpster behind the Loge level

That was a hard day.

- Camile Johnston
On twice being named Asshole of the Moment
(see Daily News)

I'm right on the teeter.

- Jeff Kent
First line of Jeff Kent's Pornstache Rap joint, yo

It's sort of like when my wife gets a flat tire on the freeway, there isn't ever a good time for that to happen.

- Grady Little
Equating the loss of Eric Gagne to his wife having to call AAA

I threw pretty well. I got beat on two swings, Bonds and Durham.

- Chad Billingsley
On how most of his pitches were good—except his crappy ones

I'm not a big Mark Hendrickson fan. Maybe he should go back to basketball with one of those 20-day deals or something. Whenever he's pitching I'm betting on the other guy, even if it's my 6-year-old daughter.

- Dave Stewart
Making up for his rendezvous with the transvestite hooker

That would mean I would have to watch another three or four ballgames and I don't know if I'd be able to make that because I hate watching baseball.

- Jeff Kent
Revealing that, sadly, he probably won't become
a broadcaster after he retires

So Carrara and Green go all the way.

- Vin Scully
On a special moment between old teammates

If we run into any of these clubs in the World Series, we've got 'em right where we want 'em. They'll come into that series totally overconfident.

- Grady Little
On the Dodgers' horrible record against the AL

If I put more effort into it, I might have made the catch.

- Odalis Perez
Further endearing himself to fans

When I got there in '04, I liked everybody, but everybody I liked either got fired or traded.

- Milton Bradley
Reminiscing about the good old days

They swore they wanted character guys, but then they signed a DUI guy and a guy sleeping with a reporter and that's fine, but I got character issues?

- Milton Bradley
Calling out Ned Colletti and Frank McCourt

Kielty hits a double, and the next two batters make out.

- Vin Scully
Describing the way the A's celebrate after leadoff hits

When you spend your own money [on charity], you want to be recognized for that. I don’t want to be a hero, but just pay more attention to what I’m doing. People don’t want to give me the recognition for it.

- Odalis Perez
Bitter because he only has $23 million left in the bank

I'm going to give up runs. Today just happened to be a bad day to do it.

- Joe Beimel
Apparently believing that there are good days to give up runs

They haven't said anything yet, so I'm just preparing to play my position.

- Cesar Izturis
Proving that communication is no better in the Colletti era

It's just incredible stuff. His [Gagne's] fastball's got life to it. His changeup is like a Nintendo changeup. His curveball is like a Nintendo curveball.

- Mark Langill
On how Eric Gagne could succeed
in video games after his career is over

Not many people have called me Mr. Mia Hamm... But it wouldn't bother me one bit if they did.

- Mr. Mia Hamm
On his wife wearing the pants in the family

He's strong-enough minded that he [Lowe] can do two things at a time.

- Grady Little
Clearly forgetting that Lowe has A.D.D.

Ground ball to Kent, he shovels to Izturis, who guns it in time to Garciaparra.

- Vin Scully
Just getting ready for Cesar's return

Furcal and Lofton make out.

- Vin Scully
On the Dodgers blossoming chemistry

We'll just have to fasten out seatbelts and away we go.

- Grady Little
On getting a ride home from Rafael Furcal

We have a lot of confidence in Danys.

- Grady Little
Who went on to replace Baez with Joe Beimel
and Takashi Saito the next two games

I don't think anything.

- Rafael Furcal
Proving it's possible to have $39 million but no brain

I'm glad he's no longer with the Giants; every fifth day was Halloween.

- Donna Tomko
On wearing her son's team colors on days when he pitches

We've got to get ourselves in a frame of mind where we can hold a nine run lead with three innings to go. We're not quite there yet.

- Grady Little
Acknowledging that his bullpen sucks

I'll retire from this game still scratching my head.

- Jeff Kent
Admitting his dandruff problem

It's like when my grandson puts on a tight T-shirt. When you do it for him, he screams bloody murder. When he does it himself, he's all smiles.

- Grady Little
On his policy of allowing the Dodgers to dress themselves

Players from the Dominican Republic have a history of not playing well in cold weather.... The ball hurts their hands when they make contact.

- Grady Little
Doing a poor job of explaining Rafael Furcal's shittiness

It's a situation where what's happened in the bullpen is a contagious thing. He caught the bullpen virus or whatever you want to call it.

- Grady Little
On how Dodger relievers share silverware

It's like the son I had. When he was little, I didn't wait until he got hit by a car in the street to go out there and say, `Don't play in the street.' We wanted to try to head it off before anything like that could possibly happen here.

- Grady Little
On how Oscar Robles likes to play in
the middle of Sunset Boulevard

He sees the flow of the game and we're ahead, 5-0, against a team struggling offensively. He's probably thinking more about somebody sitting in the third row than getting ready for the situation.

- Grady Little
On how Danys Baez was distracted by Dave Roberts' wife

I felt a little bit tired. I felt like I couldn't find the black on the plate.

- Danys Baez
A little politically incorrect, but explaining how
he walked Eric Young because he couldn't see him

I was thinking that if you just save six games each month, that's 36 for the season, and I already have eight.

- Danys Baez
Not at all conscious of his stats

Mike Lamb has only had 11 at-bats. He does have one home run or no home runs.

- Rick Monday
Unable to make up his mind

Estrada is working on his right hand stroke.

- Vin Scully
Invading Johnny Estrada's privacy

His velocity is the same as Greg Maddux. What's the difference? Location.

- Grady Little
On how Jae Seo is two inches away from being a Hall-of-Famer

He's a much better player than he's shown so far.

- Grady Little
On Dioner Navarro, who he's never seen play before this season

If we think about changing our rotation after every bad outing a starter has, we'll be scrambling the whole year.

- Grady Little
Acknowledging that the Dodgers' rotation sucks

I know Rick [Monday] has done a lot of good things as a player and as a person. But what he did for his country, he will be remembered for the rest of his life as an American hero.

- Manny Mota
Clearly never having listened to Monday on the radio

I think the last time I was 100 percent might have been when I was 5, but I'm feeling pretty good.

- Nomar Garciaparra
Explaining why he's perfect for the Dodgers

It's very important to have one of the guys we're banking on being in our regular lineup being back in there.

- Grady Little
Optimistic about having at least one healthy player on the field

It'll make him [Drew] feel like a million dollars.

- Grady Little
Suggesting that J.D. Drew is overpaid

The positive thing about men left on base is that you're putting them out there. We're not going to drive all those guys in, or these games would never get over with.

- Grady Little
On how he'd rather go home than watch the Dodgers score

It's like running a NASCAR race. We're running well on the track, but messing up a couple of pit stops. The car is still running well. If we clean up the pit stops, we'll finish the race in better shape.

- Grady Little
Kindly speaking in a language Jeff Kent can understand

Is there a chance he [Cody Ross] might not be the odd man out? Yes, there is a chance he might not be.

- Grady Little
Obviously having spent some time with
Jim Tracy in Pittsburgh

I'd have to say yes.

- Olmedo Saenz
On what he'd do if, hypothetically,
someone offered him a milkshake

Since the beginning of Spring Training I've been working with Eddie Murray on being aggressive and hitting the ball before it crosses the plate, and it's made a big difference for me.

- Sandy Alomar
Finally learning that it's easier to hit
the ball while it's still in front of him

Tagging is Drew, the throw by [Andruw] Jones will be cut off and scoring is Gay D. Drew.

- Vin Scully
Revealing a bit of personal info about the Dodgers' right fielder

Ground ball to short. Furcal is up with it and throws it high to 1st, where it's dug out nicely by Loney.

- Rick Monday
Already in mid-season form

He called it. I didn't.

- Sandy Alomar
Expaining why James Loney gets to ride shotgun in
Mariano Duncan's 1986 Nissan 300 ZX Turbo

What do I know about him? His name is Perez. That's about it.

- Sandy Alomar
On his deep connection with his new battery mate

I'm on the 60-day [DL] now? I didn't even know.

- Jayson Werth
Illustrating how much the communication has
improved since Ned Colletti took over

Do I use VORP? I may be using it and not even know it, and if I am, it's nobody's business. There are a lot of different criteria in judging players. I think I use, um, esoteric qualitative mathematical review times five. That's one of them.

- Ned Colletti
Neglecting to mention his favorite statistic: YGA
(Years on the Giants + Age)

The ball was squirting away like a runaway gyroscope.

- Vin Scully
Because everyone has seen a runaway gyroscope

I told Honeycutt whatever you just told Lowe, don't ever tell him that again.

- Grady Little
On Lowe giving up a bomb immediately
after a visit on the mound from Honeycutt

I kept swinging and kept feeling it. I was hoping it would feel better today, but it's still pretty sore.

- Nomar Garciaparra
On how he only made his injury worse

I feel good, and the way I determine it is through my workout. I work so hard in the offseason that if I'm able to do everything I have to, I figure I must be healthy.

- Nomar Garciaparra
Two days before going on the DL with a strained rib cage

I read it on one of those blobs, or whatever those things are on the internet...

- Charley Steiner
Getting the word blog confused with the shape of his belly

I'm in the best shape of anyone on this team.

- Kenny Lofton
From the trainer's room

All players are their own worst critics. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else is.

- Nomar Garciaparra
Proving that he's never read Dodger Blues

I've been talking with my boys. It came to a head last night.

- Jeff Kent
Revealing a little too much information about
his relationship with his private parts

Bringing in Danys [Baez] was huge. Everything isn't on me. He can save if there's a day I can't.

- Eric Gagne
Full of competitive spirit

In this locker room, if we have just average years, we'll be very good.

- Derek Lowe
Always striving for excellence

God's blessed me with a lot of talent to play the game of baseball, and I want to honor Him by playing it to the best of my ability and working as hard as I can.

- J.D. Drew
Explaining why his knee brace is shaped like Jesus

I told [McCourt] the season is like a kaleidoscope. Every day it changes one degree and the picture is different.

- Ned Colletti
After taking acid with the batboy

That's mostly from operating with a strange catcher.

- Grady Little
Describing Russell Martin

[Alfonso Soriano] is a superstar at second base. Only if you are in his position can you know how he feels. But it's like this. If you are a doctor, you are a doctor. You can't be something else. That's how I feel about it.

- Joel Guzman
Equating a position switch with a doctor changing careers

I throw the first pitch down the middle. It's that important to me to get ahead in the count. Even if a guy hits it, it's not jacking up my pitch count.

- Derek Lowe
Rationalizing the fact that he gets bombed

I asked myself, if we opened the season with Atlanta and had 3-2 games every day, will this man be ready to do that, pitch in the ninth inning? In my mind, I say yes, he will. I could see him doing that.

- Grady Little
Doing a bad Jim Tracy impression

I kind of like it. I'm not loving it, like McDonald's.

- Joel Guzman
Revealing that he's not crazy about playing left
and that he watches too much television

I'm a little stiff and sore from playing three days in a row, but that's the good kind of sore.

- J.D. Drew
After playing baseball for a whopping three straight days

It's a little soft, but that's to be expected.

- Kenny Lofton
On touching Olmedo Saenz' belly for the first time

The ball was coming out of his hand good, it just wasn't going where he wanted it.

- Grady Little
Explaining why Yhency Brazoban walked three
of the first four batters he faced

I can already see the value in Oscar Robles.

- Ned Colletti
Giving reporters a good laugh

I may not get a hit, but you'll see me playing hard. You see my outs, they will be quality outs.

- Kenny Lofton
On how fans will cheer when he grounds out to third

I'm not worried about it. I'm going to L.A., I'm already signed.

- Jose Cruz Jr.
Sounding ever-so-motivated for the upcoming season

I was a little scared he [Andre Ethier] was into that Oakland thing. We swing here on 3-0.

- Grady Little
Revealing that he probably wouldn't
have been hired by Paul DePodesta

I have good days and bad days, but they aren't much different.

- Eric Gagne
Apparently in need of a dictionary
to look up 'good' and 'bad'

There's a difference in a player that has a job and a player that doesn't have a job.

- Grady Little
Full of insight

After hitting only .221 last year, I want to prove to these guys that there's more than what they see in the numbers.

- Jason Repko
Hoping that his teammates recognize his
heart, sense of humor, and cooking skills

I've learned to never expect or require performances that exceed the player's ability. If they just equal their ability, that's what you want.

- Ned Colletti
On striving for mediocrity

The hitters will make the lineup for me.

- Grady Little
On his decision not to bother with tedious
managerial duties like making a lineup

Once I manage one game for the L.A. Dodgers, people are going to quit asking me about Pedro. They are going to start asking about what I screwed up in the game tonight.

- Grady Little
Already planning to fuck up

The touch-and-feel comes last.

- Grady Little
On getting to know his new players

If I stink, then someone can take my spot, but I don't think I'll stink..

- Eric Gagne
On his new hat deodorizer

Well, if we were nailed to the wall and had to make a decision, I would say it would be Lowe. But fortunately, the season doesn't start for three more months.

- Grady Little
Keeping hope alive that the Dodgers get
another pitcher before the season starts

Carter can pitch a couple innings at a time, which is intriguing, and he's also closed games. It takes a special character to be able to do that, a mindset and willingness. He was successful at it and that tells me a lot about his makeup..

- Ned Colletti
Impressed that one of his pitchers can
throw a couple innings at a time

Growing up, I never was a big follower of the Dodgers.

- Andre Ethier
Showing his excitement over being traded to L.A.

Being on the ballot is a lot different than getting in.

- Orel Hershiser
Explaining the complicated Hall-of-Fame ballot system

When you walk in, you can cut the air with a knife.

- Orel Hershiser
Talking about the locker room after
Olmedo Saenz had too many burritos

When you get to mid-September, it's almost like the postseason.

- Ned Colletti
Setting his sights high for 2006



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